feeling insecure about dh's colleague

[pinklemonade84]

I've not been feeling good about myself for a long time now. A mixture of needing to lose weight, we hadn't been intimate for months and feeling like a burden after I had a pulmonary embolism in October

Dh started a new job about a month ago and gave one of his colleagues a lift home one evening in the opposite direction to where we live, when we had the bad weather. He was absolutely upfront about it. But the following morning when I got in the car, I could smell her perfume and it just didn't sit right with me for some reason

I had a really bad day insecurity wise a couple of days later, after catching him looking at half naked photos on Instagram and this erupted into a big row. With me ending up crying about how I feel. And in the middle of that, I let it slip that I wasn't comfortable with him giving a woman I don't know a lift home. His response was to say "well you'll have to get over it, because I'll be offering her a lift when we're on lates together as I'm not letting a woman walk home on her own at night!"

Dd was at a sleepover last night and I collected Dh from work, he was working with this woman and so I could meet her and try to get these insecurities out of my mind, I said she was more than welcome to a lift too.

When she got in the car, I could instantly smell her perfume. She kept staring at Dh (who was sat in the front with me) and barely said anything to me, despite me being friendly and trying to draw her into the conversation. When we dropped her off and me and Dh were switching places so he could drive home, she was saying to him (but looking at me as she said it) that she'd see him on their next shift together and what time he was due to start that day. Almost as if she'd memorised when his shifts are

I can't put my finger on why, but it just doesn't sit right with me. There's something about this woman that is making my insecurities flair up and I'm not sure how to explain this to Dh

Can I be frank?

This woman isn't your problem.

Your problem is the fact that you don't feel secure about yourself and that you and your DH don't have sex. You mention ill health but it's not clear if that's the reason you don't have sex or not.

Like it or not, he may be susceptible to an affair and if he - rightly or wrongly - feels that he's not getting sex and attention at home, he might look elsewhere. We have no idea about this woman; the fact that she wears perfume and was a bit subdued in the car and knew his start time doesn't really mean shes trying to get into his pants in itself but you were there, not me.

No point banning lifts and making a ding dong about this woman if your marriage is in a bad state. Only you know if it's worth working on or not.

I think that because of your insecurity you are making giant leaps between everything - looking at photos online is one situation, giving a colleague a lift is another. He sounds lovely, thinking about the safety of colleagues getting home in the dark. I'm not sure what her perfume has to do with anything? Tbh if I'd got one lift home from a colleague, then the next time his wife turned up and started trying super hard to make conversation and be overly friendly I'd be weirded out too. Why wouldn't she know when his shifts are - they work together? Are you saying she was staring you down to make a point when asking him?

If there's issues in your marriage then it makes sense that you're looking at things differently, but all that will happen is you'll drive yourself crazy connecting dots. Have you spoken to your DH about how you're feeling?

I don’t get the perfume thing either. It sounds like you’re projecting a whole lot of feelings about yourself and your marriage onto this woman who doesn’t seem to have done anything wrong at all from what you’ve said. What were the circumstances in which you caught him looking at the picture on Instagram? And who was it of?

If I work with someone who gives me a lift home, I would definitely know their next shift with me.
As you said the weather is bad, its dark and he gave her a lift. I think letting her walk home alone would have been awful.

How long, before you got ill, did you and dh not have sex for?

Its sounds like your insecurities come from the lack of sex and your own insecurities.

Looking at half naked women, isn't great. But it really depends on the context. My Instagram will bring up posts from fitness accounts where you could describe them as 'half naked'. But if dp went mad because he saw them, the starting telling me I couldn't give someone a lift I would tell him he was controlling and he needed to sort himself out.

She may have felt awkward in the car because you clearly were uncomfortable. Maybe she is quite shy. Or tired after work.

I think this is more about you than him doing anything, tbh.

It's hard to describe. She's not the only female that he works with and I don't get these feelings of insecurity about any of the others

The photos were of someone that he'd come across on reddit and then he went searching for her Instagram (this was his explanation to me)

We spoke about me feeling insecure the day before I found him looking at these photos. At one point I was crying to him, trying to explain that I wasn't accusing him of anything, but that I feel so low in myself at the moment.

I think me getting iffy about her perfume was more because I wasn't expecting to get in the car the following morning and smell another woman's perfume

We'd not had sex for about 2 months before I got ill and then only started again a couple of weeks ago, despite me trying to initiate it at times. So that's definitely not been helping me confidence wise

Some men have an affair when they’re getting lots of sex at home
If he’s going to do it, there’s not a lot you can do I don’t think.
But you do need to help yourself, get your confidence back.
Do you two ever go out together ?

Don't let anyone dismiss your feelings OP. I'm quite great believer in intuition, it's never let me down. A lot of the time when you try to articulate what's setting off your spidey senses it can sound banal or even crazy but I think a lot of it is your subconscious brain analysing patterns and changes of behaviour. If you keep pushing your husband he'll start hiding things. Be clever in your investigations.

@ohhooh he's given her a few lifts home before last night, it wasn't that he'd just given her the one lift and then I immediately had to be there for the next one. Dd was out for the night and rather than asking mil to follow me down town so I could drop the car off and her take me home, I just thought it was easier for me to collect him (I really hope it's coming across right)

I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable in the car, so it wasn't like a constant stream of me chatting away to her. I just tried to involve her in the conversation, so she wasn't left out

@GeneLovesJezebel we've not been out together since before dd was born. So almost 6 years ago now

You sound lovely OP, and it could be a combination of things making you feel uneasy. Does not mean anything is going on, but your intuition is that you you don't quite trust this woman? And perhaps you're worried if she shows interest in your DH that, because of the recent issues, he may respond to it. Nothing wrong in feeling like that.

A Pulmonary embolism is not something easy to get over either, I hope you're recovering ok from that.

The only thing that strikes me from what you've said is that she didn't engage in conversaton with you in the car very readily and she looked at you when asking about your DH shifts. That feels a little off.

I have had lifts before with men from work and also at times their wives in the car, and I've made a point of engaging in conversation with their wife. More so than the collegue even thinking about it. Because they are my collegues wife, and it just feels like that is the right thing to do.
Her doing that has made your insecurity worse I'd say. Not to say there is anything going on at all, perhaps she is just rude. I also think that if your DH knew you were uncomfortable with it, he would not be giving her lifts, or ensuring you were reassured, not just brushing it ff and you being unreasonable.

You say you haven't been out in ages, 6 years is a long time. Can you suggest to DH about going on a date night?

@Bookworm20 I'm doing so much better than I was back in October when it happened. I'm being well looked after and monitored thankfully

It felt off to me too that she didn't engage in conversation and that it was me she was looking at when saying about his shifts. Especially as it was Dh she was talking to at the time

You're quite right in that, although nothing is probably going on at the moment, I do worry about her potentially showing an interest in him

I'm going to speak to him about us going out as a couple occasionally, see if we can reconnect a bit

So, I've had a chat with dh about how I'm currently feeling. He noticed I've been a bit quiet since last night. I've explained how I felt about this colleague of his and that I felt uneasy about her knowing his timetable down to the times he starts work (Dh said she's the one out of their team that memorises things like that). I've said I love that he's kind enough to make sure that she gets home safely and that I don't want him to stop giving lifts, that I just want him to be careful that she doesn't mistake his kindness for something else

@pinklemonade84
Honestly OP and I mean this in the nicest possible way, but your insecurities may be causing you to behave strangely.
It sounds almost like you were offering a ride as a way to ‘mark your territory’.
It must have been an extremely uncomfortable car ride for your DH’s colleague.
I am not surprised she didn’t engage in conversation and the looking at you whilst talking to your husband may be a sign of her almost ‘asking you for permission’.

So far her only crime has been to:
(a) wear perfume
(b) accept a ride
(c) not engage in conversation.

Can you see how you may appear unreasonable here?

I honestly speak from personal experience as something similar has happened to a colleague of mine. Things like in the workplace can easily lead to gossip about ‘so-and-so’s crazy wife’. 😢 Imagine how uncomfortable this would be for your DH.

I would strongly encourage you to focus on yourself rather than some random colleague who may or may not have bad intentions.

Is she pretty?? And yes everyone it does matter!

@AllAnts it was a bit last minute with dd stopping out for a sleepover, and I didn't want his colleague to think just because I was in the car too, that she wouldn't have been welcome to a lift home like Dh would have offered

@FuckThatBullshit I think she is. Not as pretty as some of his other colleagues. But still pretty

Why does he have to give her lifts?

What did she do before he started at the company?

He's been there 2 months and she's getting cosy already.

Erm nope

I think his statement about you having to get used to him giving her lifts home is rather strange! Honorable as this appears, her getting home is surely not his responsibility, especially if she lives in the opposite direction. I've given male colleagues lifts home, but only when it suits, it's not an expected thing. What about other female colleagues, do they get lifts home too in the dark?

Sometimes this is how things start, innocuous events that they both start to look forward to. I'm a cynical witch but I've seen many work affairs start like this, picking up extra shifts together, staying on later, lifts home. It enables people to spend extra time together.

I would speak to him about your fears. If he's so noble he should be listening to you and your needs. Don't go accusing him of anything yet but talk to him about your insecurities and maybe why you're feeling this way.

Trust your gut @pinklemonade84

Sorry OP I see you've already spoken to him. Keep an eye out and stay alert for the near future.

Why is it his responsibility to ensure she gets home safely? Is it written into his contract? What arrangements would she be making to ensure she gets home safely if your DH were not on the scene? What arrangement had she made prior to your DH's offer to ensure she gets home safely?
Yes it's nice that he's kind. But his response to you is odd.

As far as I'm aware before Dh started she'd either walk (roughly 1.5 miles) or she'd get a taxi. He said when I voiced my concerns that he'd offer the same to any of his colleagues if he knew they would be walking home late at night after finishing at the same time as him

It doesn't really help that he's on so many late finishes with her, I think 2 out of his 3 next week. And obviously dd won't be at a sleepover on those nights, so it just feels like I'll be sat up waiting for him to get home

One thing I’m learning as I approach middle age is that I do not have to pretend to be okay with things that aren’t okay with me. I’ve been the “cool wife” and gritted my teeth through a lot of BS and it has gotten me nowhere.

I don’t know why her ride situation is suddenly your husband’s responsibility or why she has to douse herself in perfume every time she sees him, but if it doesn’t sit right with you, you damn well have the right to say so. It’s not about whether he agrees or not, it’s not a matter of “right” or “wrong” but rather the situation is making you uncomfortable and this person and her ride situation should not come before your marriage.
You obviously can’t babysit him and he will likely do what he wants, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t tell him how you feel.

If it were me, I’d be picking him up a little more often and would certainly comment about the stink in the car, because I’m tired of always having to take the high road and let ppl walk all over me.

Having another woman’s scent suddenly filling up your vehicle would be quite unsettling. He probably wouldn’t like it if you brought the car home reeking of another man’s cologne.

I agree about the scent in the car. It seems an insignificant thing but it's not. Not when you're living with the scent regularly. Scents are so evocative and can bind memories and emotions. She must be spraying it at the end of her shift then?

Realistically, anywhere your DH works or socialises there will be women you feel insecure about - as you are not feeling good about yourself, so any woman will seem more attractive/interesting etc.

Forget about this woman for a minute. And focus on yourself - what are you doing to pull yourself out of this funk? You can either expend energy on worrying about her/your DH or you can use that energy to sort yourself out. Exercise, better eating, take up hobbies. Anything that will give you a sense of accomplishment and endorphins.

Then if you still feel uneasy about this woman, you know it's coming from a place of strength and you'll be better equipped to deal with with with your DH. Atm you can't completely trust your instincts because even with no woman in the picture you don't feel attractive, desired and have no sex life with DH.