feeling insecure about dh's colleague

[pinklemonade84]

I've not been feeling good about myself for a long time now. A mixture of needing to lose weight, we hadn't been intimate for months and feeling like a burden after I had a pulmonary embolism in October

Dh started a new job about a month ago and gave one of his colleagues a lift home one evening in the opposite direction to where we live, when we had the bad weather. He was absolutely upfront about it. But the following morning when I got in the car, I could smell her perfume and it just didn't sit right with me for some reason

I had a really bad day insecurity wise a couple of days later, after catching him looking at half naked photos on Instagram and this erupted into a big row. With me ending up crying about how I feel. And in the middle of that, I let it slip that I wasn't comfortable with him giving a woman I don't know a lift home. His response was to say "well you'll have to get over it, because I'll be offering her a lift when we're on lates together as I'm not letting a woman walk home on her own at night!"

Dd was at a sleepover last night and I collected Dh from work, he was working with this woman and so I could meet her and try to get these insecurities out of my mind, I said she was more than welcome to a lift too.

When she got in the car, I could instantly smell her perfume. She kept staring at Dh (who was sat in the front with me) and barely said anything to me, despite me being friendly and trying to draw her into the conversation. When we dropped her off and me and Dh were switching places so he could drive home, she was saying to him (but looking at me as she said it) that she'd see him on their next shift together and what time he was due to start that day. Almost as if she'd memorised when his shifts are

I can't put my finger on why, but it just doesn't sit right with me. There's something about this woman that is making my insecurities flair up and I'm not sure how to explain this to Dh

but when I'm sitting up waiting for him to get in so I know he's safe, it makes a difference

Why are you waiting up for him?

In the kindest way I really think you need to see a gp. I’m worried about your MH

It’s not normal to worry he’s not going to get home safe and be so insecure about a work colleague that’s not given you anything to worry about.

@bongobingo43 I disagree that it would be concerning to ask the husband to stop giving the lifts. It's never about forbidding anything but being honest about your feelings and vulnerabilities with your spouse.

In a healthy marriage you should be able to say to your partner 'I know it's irrational but when you give X lifts home after your shift its making me feel anxious and insecure. Would you mind asking her to arrange other ride options so its not playing on my mind?' Honestly if I said that to my hubby I'd pretty sure I'd get a hug and we'd have a long chat about how I was feeling and what I need/ would help me feel better.

A marriage should put supporting your partner and their well being above something as trivial as saving a new colleague the expense of taxis. This isn't a lifelong best friend she's asking to be prioritised over! As long as she is being honest this is a one off thing and she's not cutting all women out of her husband's life in some kind of paranoid rage I really don't see why it should be a problem. If you can't be honest with your faults and failings with your spouse and feel loved and supported anyway then I think there are bigger things wrong in the relationship.

@WonderfulYou because you don't know what idiots are out on the road. I've had to nip out for medicine late at night for dd before and narrowly missed someone coming the wrong way round a roundabout. I just like to know that he's home safe as it only takes one moron

May I remind you that when an OP starts a thread like this one, they are almost certainly worried and have been dwelling on it for a while and are here for support.

I don't think that OP is being irrational or that she has MH issues, but could we all be supportive please?

OP has posted that she has needed to go out late at night to get medicine for her DC, and that she has had an embolism, so it sounds like she could do with a bit of solidarity.

It could well be that nothing is going on but I'd not be happy if my H was looking at half-naked photos and giving a female colleague lifts home.

[quote pinklemonade84]@BloodyForeland considering he's my Dh, I thought maybe trying to inject a bit of fun might have helped how I've been feeling. I know you say that you meant your reply kindly, but, you make it sound so sordid and dirty[/quote]
That wasn’t my intention, but you did say yourself that it ‘mortified’ you that you’d done it. I think you need to feel worthy of taking up space in the world, and regain confidence in your body after your illness. Which I get is difficult. I shattered a leg in a bad accident years ago and even after I was walking again after surgery and lots of physio, I didn’t quite believe my body would function properly again.

None of us know whether your instincts are right or whether it's insecurity OP.

But either way working on your self worth will help you. A if you feel better about yourself the dynamics in your marriage will change for the better, B if your instincts are right you won't be as floored as what you would be now.

Do you still want your marriage OP? Are you happy? It doesn't sound very fun atm with no date nights, no sex and feeling insecure. Maybe your insecurities are not to do with you but rather you haven't been shown love, care, thoughtfulness and affection in ages.

I don't think that OP is being irrational or that she has MH issues, but could we all be supportive please?

But admitting you need help isn’t a bad thing.
Most of us have children and have suffered from PND which can also cause major anxiety and bring irrational.

It’s clear that OP is very unhappy and from her posts it doesn’t seem like there’s anything to be paranoid about so she is being irrational - that tells me that there is definitely something else going on and I do think she’s showing signs of depression.

Yes and maybe op's insecurities are a combination of being seriously ill, neglected and made to feel shame for not wanting her husband to give a lift to this woman every time he finishes work and being told 'she'd better get used to it'.

Why after only two months at this company has he offered to be her regular driver. Surely she had other options before.

Do not try to defend your character against the cool brigade on here.

So many posts saying it’s the OP in the wrong, it’s almost like mumsnet is gaslighting you. You know your DH, we don’t. It’s not his responsibility to get her home, she doesn’t need rescuing, and not at your expense. You should be his priority.

So here I am a secure and confident woman and I am thinking she is spraying the perfume before getting in the car at the end of her shift and she is looking at you when speaking to him to see your reaction. Bit like a cat marking it’s territory.

It really doesn’t matter if others would be happy for their OH to seek out scantily clad women or go out of his way in the opposite direction to take a woman home after work? What matters is how you feel right now and how your DH responds and supports you.

You have said you have been ill and your marriage has been lacking. If you can’t rationalise this and feel threatened and unsupported trust your gut and keep talking with your DH.

Aw bless you OP.

Since he’s in a new job, might there be an element of helping out because he wants to make friends and be seen as a good guy by new colleagues? Just a thought.

[quote GotBeatenUp]**@bongobingo43, it would not be pitch dark if I walked home from 1.5 miles away.

Because I live in a town centre. Have you not heard of street lighting?[/quote]
Yes but I'm not talking about you, I'm talking about the OPs DPs colleague which is why im saying we don't know

Anyway, does nothing bad ever happen to lone females in a city centre late at night due to the street lighting??

[quote pinklemonade84]@bongobingo43 I've not once told him to stop the lifts or tried to manipulate him into stopping them

By the time they've walked to where the car is parked and that he's dropped her off and come back through town, it's roughly around an extra 10 to 15 minutes. It might not seem like much to some people, but when I'm sitting up waiting for him to get in so I know he's safe, it makes a difference[/quote]
I know you didn't say this OP, my post was in relation to some of the responses you got (sorry I thought I'd said that in my post).

And I'm sure he'd need to walk to his car whether he was giving her a lift or not so you can't really class that as extra time due to him giving her a lift. So it's prob an extra 10 mins? Meaning she's in his car for about 5 mins after work?

I can totally understand why you are feeling insecure. I have been in a situation years ago where my husband was emotionally unfaithful to me with one of his colleagues. She had only been working with him for a month when the sexting started. I told him to watch his boundaries and he assured me that he was. He had never lied or been unfaithful in the past so I had every reason to believe him. Believe me I never thought my husband would do this to me but sadly he did. If I was in your position I would put my foot down, I would not be ok with my husband giving a female work colleague a ride home. It is entirely inappropriate. She needs to find her own way home. Her personal security is not your husband's responsibility. His marriage and his wife's feelings should come first. Trust your instinct!

Lay down your boundaries with your husband @pinklemonade84. There is a reason this woman is raising your anxiety levels. ALWAYS trust your instincts. She is a grown woman, she can get herself home. Your husband should be prioritising you. Don’t tell him he’s great for doing something that hurts you and stuff down your feelings again.

You’re anxiety is being raised because you don’t feel safe. I suspect you’re absolutely right not to feel safe.

I don't think any of this is down to DH or his colleague. This starts with you, you've had a tough time health wise, and it's had an impact on your self esteem.
You've got to build it back up and stop feeling like a burden. You sound like a lovely person but you need to build your confidence or you may well push DH away.

Perhaps her DH should help rebuild that confidence to bring them closer rather than the OP bearing the burden of not pushing him away.

Pinklemonade, you’ve posted various threads through the years about your H’s detachment, financial abuse, and crossing lines with another woman. It appears that his pattern is to dismiss your valid feelings and boundaries.

You’ve written about his disengagement from you. You never went out as a couple and rarely as a family. After work he would immediately get on his game console instead of spending any time with you. Whenever you expressed your feelings about his disinterest and your loneliness, he would make jokes.

Some years ago he crossed boundaries with the woman he teamed with as carers for your ill mum. This woman was openly flirty and touchy-feely with him, and would leave him cryptic personal notes on the kitchen white board (which your mum never saw). When you expressed your discomfort, H accused you of being hormonal and melodramatic.

They actually went on what was essentially a date to an out-of-town concert. H didn’t say goodbye prior to leaving, and when he finally texted you 5 hours later, he failed to ask about DD, who had been in the hospital the week before. Sometime after he arrived home you told him that you felt hurt that you never did anything together, and he said, ‘I can’t help how you feel.’

Although he initially reassured you regarding your decreased mat leave pay, he eventually began sniping about it. When he humiliated you in front of your mum, she was not impressed.

In my view, H is gaining ego validation from this colleague, hence his abrupt ‘Get over it.’ I too would feel uncomfortable by the dynamic you witnessed—her blanking you while laser focusing on H, then watching you as she went over their schedule. Her behavior seems rather territorial, as does her strong perfume statement permeating your vehicle.

Pinklemonade, a respectful H would care about your discomfort. He would abhor this woman’s rudeness to you and would nix the lifts. I wouldn’t tolerate this disrespect or any of the callous disregard that H has dished out over the years. As you gather strength in your recovery, think carefully about whether you want to stay in this relationship. You deserve much better, and DD deserves a healthier relationship model.

Oh @pinklemonade84 after reading msdoglady’s post and looking myself he has form. You’ve been there. He’s already crossed so many boundaries for you. That’s why you feel so awful, you know this is him up to his nasty tricks.

How on earth are you ever going to feel better about yourself with a husband who belittles your feelings and chases other women for ego kibbles (among other nasty behaviours)?

You live one life sweetie and you deserve so much more than this man. Please start to look at ways of building your confidence up and realising you are worth more than this.

This woman could take her clothes off and dive naked into your DHs car but it doesn’t mean he has to have sex with her.

Maybe she is showing him attention over and above a colleague, maybe she isn’t. Literally no one but her will know for sure.
Your husband is the one who has to behave himself, if he suspects that she has a crush on him and he’s indulging it, then that’s 100% down to him.

It really comes down to whether your DH is genuine and honest enough to step away from a situation that could escalate.
And if you trust him to do so (and trust him to be old / wise enough to analyse the current situation and know if it’s appropriate or not)

It's difficult to explain, this man has been my rock through the worst moments of my life. Yes, we've had issues, but we've got through them. This isn't me saying that his behaviour at the moment is OK by the way, this is me saying that the bad times aren't the norm if that makes sense?

He had to go into work last minute last night because his manager is pregnant and isn't allowed to work on her own (he had her on speakerphone when she phoned and I saw her message thanking him). And he gave her a lift home too, there was no unease on my part. And I don't think there would be if he gave any of his other colleagues lifts. It's this one woman, and my unease has definitely increased since I was in the car with them that night

I'm going to ask Dh if he's ever noticed her putting fresh perfume on before getting to the car. Because when she got in the car I could smell her perfume over my own, that I'd quickly used a bit of on my way to the car

I agree with pps saying stop trying to be the cool wife. There does come a time when you have to just fuck that shit and look after number one. I had a similar ish situation with dh. I tried being cool, I tormented myself about how my feelings were to do with being insecure and having put on weight etc. One night she texted after a work night out hoping he'd got home safely. I was no longer a cool wife and told him straight he's got a fucking wife at home and 3 kids who are perfectly capable of providing the "hope you get home safely" text service so he needs to screw his fucking head on and stop acting like a prick. Not only should you draw the line op, you should do so with immense pride. See those feelings of insecurity? They'll soon diminish when you realise you will not put up with this shit and not afraid to say so. You won't be pushing him into anything with the colleague, if he's going he's going. He'll take himself there. All you can do is be CRYSTAL clear with him where you'll be going if he insists on continuing this nonsensical arrangement.

* can't put my finger on why, but it just doesn't sit right with me. *

Let me help
Something dodgy is going on

I'm going to ask Dh if he's ever noticed her putting fresh perfume on before getting to the car.

Why, op? What difference will his answer make to how you're feeling? If he says no, which he will, you'll then try and keep the conversation going about the fact it's odd then her perfume is so strong. He'll not engage probably shrug and you'll feel like absolute shit. If you're going to bring the topic up at all then make it something which is going to make you feel good. I'm not judging you by the way, I've been where you are many many a time. It's so so hard when you're going through it but honestly the minute you flip the narrative around in your head, away from the colleague, the perfume, and on to what YOU want out of your marriage you will feel so much better for it.

Because I feel like if he had noticed her doing so, then I'd know it was a deliberate thing on her part

I wish I knew how to build my confidence, how to make myself feel good about myself. This is what I hate the most. That I feel so rubbish about myself. I was trying to tell myself "fake it until I make it", and I felt so pathetic bottling at the last minute on Thursday night. When all I wanted to do was try and inject a bit of fun and surprise

You will start to feel good about yourself when you’re not with a man like your husband who’s been slowly breaking you down instead of building you up.