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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

feeling insecure about dh's colleague

148 replies

pinklemonade84 · 25/02/2022 09:14

I've not been feeling good about myself for a long time now. A mixture of needing to lose weight, we hadn't been intimate for months and feeling like a burden after I had a pulmonary embolism in October

Dh started a new job about a month ago and gave one of his colleagues a lift home one evening in the opposite direction to where we live, when we had the bad weather. He was absolutely upfront about it. But the following morning when I got in the car, I could smell her perfume and it just didn't sit right with me for some reason

I had a really bad day insecurity wise a couple of days later, after catching him looking at half naked photos on Instagram and this erupted into a big row. With me ending up crying about how I feel. And in the middle of that, I let it slip that I wasn't comfortable with him giving a woman I don't know a lift home. His response was to say "well you'll have to get over it, because I'll be offering her a lift when we're on lates together as I'm not letting a woman walk home on her own at night!"

Dd was at a sleepover last night and I collected Dh from work, he was working with this woman and so I could meet her and try to get these insecurities out of my mind, I said she was more than welcome to a lift too.

When she got in the car, I could instantly smell her perfume. She kept staring at Dh (who was sat in the front with me) and barely said anything to me, despite me being friendly and trying to draw her into the conversation. When we dropped her off and me and Dh were switching places so he could drive home, she was saying to him (but looking at me as she said it) that she'd see him on their next shift together and what time he was due to start that day. Almost as if she'd memorised when his shifts are

I can't put my finger on why, but it just doesn't sit right with me. There's something about this woman that is making my insecurities flair up and I'm not sure how to explain this to Dh

OP posts:

Crikeyalmighty · 26/02/2022 08:53

You feel as you do OP because he’s got form for this kind of shit. You can ‘get over’ previous incidents, you can tell yourself it’s all fine, but something in your gut tells you to be on your guard simply because you know he’s capable of poor boundaries

TuscanApothecary · 26/02/2022 09:17

You will feel a lot better about yourself if you leave this man. All of your self worth is tied into how he sees you. The 'injecting a bit of fun with the red suit' wasn't injecting fun OP it was a ploy to gain his approval back.

I know its hard. You sound so unhappy. Your h sounds like a total dick tbh.

MrMrsJones · 26/02/2022 09:24

@WonderfulYou

Ask him why he has taken up the role of her white Knight.

He has responsibilities at home

Giving a lift to someone isn’t playing a white knight.

I’m shocked you’ve never given a lift to anyone.

Oh give over

She is pretty, a female and he goes in completely the opposite direction.

It seems it will be a permanent arrangement, and wife will just have to get used to it.

She managed before he arrived ,but now suddenly she needs him.

Red flags all over the shop!!

And yes I have given lifts, if it didn't go out my way

lucylucyapplejuicy · 26/02/2022 09:32

@MrMrsJones

Would it be different if she wasn't pretty?

Pinkbonbon · 26/02/2022 09:45

Op you need to stop making it obvious to him that you think she is interested. Do not ask about the perfume.

Subliminally, in talking to him about this, you are making him think you will believe it is this womans fault if he cheats. That you'll buy 'she led me astray' if he cheats with her.

Stop bringing her up.
Right now, so long as he is coming home from work on time, I would stop worrying about it. Concentrate instead in getting better and feeling good in yourself again.

saleorbouy · 26/02/2022 09:55

I think you need to put the effort you are using to worry into yourself. If you are bothered about you appearance, weight and health the do something for yourself to address this. You could involve you DH with daily walks etc to spend time together and also assist in your transformation back to a more comfortable, confident self.
No point worrying about the other woman at work that in my opinion is not a suspicious thing. Much better to work on yourself and the relationship with DH.

Lilypresto · 26/02/2022 09:59

I'll often offer to give someone a lift - even if it's slightly different to the direction I am going. Both genders, all ages. What's different about this case is that it has the feel of becoming a regular habit. Unless someone is a relative, close friend, a minor, or is paying me, I would not allow someone to depend upon me in the way this man appears to be doing.

Opentooffers · 26/02/2022 10:04

It's ultimately up to you how much of his behaviour you chose to ignore - which is a lot. Yes it's infrequent and interspersed with good times, but it's all adding up to a pattern so you can continue to expect more of this. He will continue to attract women who crave male attention, she's just another one of many out there that he can use to his advantage for ego-stroking.

Rosebuud · 26/02/2022 10:09

Op please don’t ask him if he’s noticed her putting on perfume, you will come across as unhinged.

I would agree with the other posters, the issue here is you and your self esteem, not this woman, you’re jealous of her and desperately insecure that he fancies her.

Please heed the advice given and stop obsessing about this woman and instead try to focus on yourself, understand what it will take for you to feel good about yourself.

And please stop trying to compete with her with the underwear and the perfume when she’s about. Do those things becayse you want to, at the right time, not because yoire trying to Take part in an imaginary competition.

Rosebuud · 26/02/2022 10:11

She is pretty, a female and he goes in completely the opposite direction

It’s one and a half miles 😂 and she didn’t say she needs him.

Gonnagetgoing · 26/02/2022 10:16

Right ultimately it is your DH’s problem not hers. I can see how he and she are concerned for both their safety especially her after recent attacks but she needs to use a taxi more or learn to drive or get another job. I wouldn’t list my insecurities about her to DH though.

Think of it this way, if it were you posting here about a colleague you didn’t want to give a lift to for whatever reason most people would be in agreement with you.

Isn’t there another colleague who can drop her off?

Personally here I think it takes two to tango, yes it’s ultimately your DH’s decision whether he cheats but I’ve seen women with me and ex boyfriends etc launch/flaunt themselves at them and when she’s in the car with him you have no idea what they’re chatting about or how they behave. Also some women are quite brazen about flirting with other men if they’re attached or not and some see it as a game. Is she single?

You also need to get help from GP or private eg with therapy as you do sound depressed.

I also agree with @Opentooffers says - and think long term whether you want to live your life with it being happy sometimes and then he likes to get his ego stroked by random women and naturally most women would get insecure (I think) or as in your case after a severe illness and depression naturally you’ve lost your mojo and so feel down about yourself but his behaviour doesn’t help at all.

Only you can decide long term if you want to be with someone who as @Crikeyalmighty says has poor boundaries and it affects you like this.

Gonnagetgoing · 26/02/2022 10:21

I’ve read a couple of your older messages OP especially about his violence on Mother’s Day.

Please for the love of god, make plans quick to leave this man, he’s an abusive arsehole. I don’t say this lightly either.

Original poster

pinklemonade84 · 26/02/2022 10:55

@TuscanApothecary the way some people are wording it is as if I did something sordid or dirty. I wasn't trying to get his "approval" or making a ploy. I wanted to surprise him, in a fun way, to kind of get him looking forward to getting home

OP posts:

Original poster

pinklemonade84 · 26/02/2022 10:58

I won't ask about the perfume. I do get that that would come across as a strange question to ask. Especially as it's not really the thing that he would notice, so obviously he'd answer no, but given how I feel in myself at the moment, I don't think I'd fully believe him. Though I will still be going ahead with my plan of buying new air fresheners for the car

OP posts:

Original poster

pinklemonade84 · 26/02/2022 11:05

@Gonnagetgoing I think she is single, Dh has said she's never mentioned a boyfriend or partner, whereas his other colleagues, he knows one is single and the others are in relationships

And I agree with you that she needs to use taxis more. Dh's manager last night when he gave her a lift apparently said to him that she wouldn't expect him to be offering regularly. Whereas he has said that this colleague that I'm insecure about has said that if he's ever offering a lift, she'd always appreciate it. Which comes across to me as an expectation now that when they're on shift together he drops her at her home

OP posts:

Faevern · 26/02/2022 11:10

This is your life and your future, he is not going to change. This incident is just one of many, as long as you make excuses for him you'd life will continue this way. Find help to leave him, you are worth more. You say he's been your rock, sounds more like he's crushing you bit by bit.

thanktor · 26/02/2022 11:13

But there are children involved
So it’s no just the op
I get the sense on last post that she will do bugger all

Rosebuud · 26/02/2022 11:14

[quote pinklemonade84]@TuscanApothecary the way some people are wording it is as if I did something sordid or dirty. I wasn't trying to get his "approval" or making a ploy. I wanted to surprise him, in a fun way, to kind of get him looking forward to getting home[/quote]
I think the point people are making is it’s not normal behaviour for you. You weren’t just trying to surprise him in a fun way to make sure he was looking forward to getting home. You were desperately trying to think of a way to compete with this woman in a way that’s quite debasing because you were not doing it for any other reason than the fact she’s got a lift. It wasn’t about him. It wasn’t about you. It was about her. And your jealousy of her.

A pp said this whole thing is your husbands problem. It’s not. It’s your problem. He can give her a lift if he wants. Your problem should not be his problem, it can’t be used to control him. But it should be the reason you do what’s required to feel better about your self.

Rosebuud · 26/02/2022 11:16

@Faevern

What? End her marriage because he gives a colleague a lift? Is this serious?

thanktor · 26/02/2022 11:16

Sorry wrong thread

5128gap · 26/02/2022 11:20

@pinklemonade84

So, I've had a chat with dh about how I'm currently feeling. He noticed I've been a bit quiet since last night. I've explained how I felt about this colleague of his and that I felt uneasy about her knowing his timetable down to the times he starts work (Dh said she's the one out of their team that memorises things like that). I've said I love that he's kind enough to make sure that she gets home safely and that I don't want him to stop giving lifts, that I just want him to be careful that she doesn't mistake his kindness for something else

OP, men don't accidentally stray because a woman mistakes their kindness for something else and forces them into submission. You're not worried she will get the wrong idea, you're worried they will be mutually attracted and he will cheat, so if you're going to speak to him about it at all, you should be honest and not dress it up as something it isn't. Regardless of what idea she may or may not get, it's down to him to maintain boundaries. Unfortunately if he isn't going to, there's not a lot you can do about it, as he will find a way. On the other hand, if he's decent and committed to you, he won't be lured away by a colleague showing interest in him.

Original poster

pinklemonade84 · 26/02/2022 12:10

@Rosebuud I genuinely think you're reading too much into me putting some sexy underwear on and my intentions of giving Dh a little peek after we'd dropped her off. I was actually doing it for myself, trying to boost my confidence a little bit. Ive read so many times that this gives women a boost, so I was trying to see if it worked for me. I wasn't expecting to feel how I did after we'd dropped her off, so like I say, I lost the confidence to do what I'd planned

OP posts:

Faevern · 26/02/2022 12:21

@Rosebuud no not because he gives someone a lift ffs

Avarua · 26/02/2022 12:28

This is your insecurity. You risk coming across as a total loon.

Avarua · 26/02/2022 12:33

He will continue to attract women who crave male attention
WTF? She accepted a 1.5 mile lift at night and wire perfume. It's mysogynist to assume that she "craves male attention".

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