feeling insecure about dh's colleague

[pinklemonade84]

I've not been feeling good about myself for a long time now. A mixture of needing to lose weight, we hadn't been intimate for months and feeling like a burden after I had a pulmonary embolism in October

Dh started a new job about a month ago and gave one of his colleagues a lift home one evening in the opposite direction to where we live, when we had the bad weather. He was absolutely upfront about it. But the following morning when I got in the car, I could smell her perfume and it just didn't sit right with me for some reason

I had a really bad day insecurity wise a couple of days later, after catching him looking at half naked photos on Instagram and this erupted into a big row. With me ending up crying about how I feel. And in the middle of that, I let it slip that I wasn't comfortable with him giving a woman I don't know a lift home. His response was to say "well you'll have to get over it, because I'll be offering her a lift when we're on lates together as I'm not letting a woman walk home on her own at night!"

Dd was at a sleepover last night and I collected Dh from work, he was working with this woman and so I could meet her and try to get these insecurities out of my mind, I said she was more than welcome to a lift too.

When she got in the car, I could instantly smell her perfume. She kept staring at Dh (who was sat in the front with me) and barely said anything to me, despite me being friendly and trying to draw her into the conversation. When we dropped her off and me and Dh were switching places so he could drive home, she was saying to him (but looking at me as she said it) that she'd see him on their next shift together and what time he was due to start that day. Almost as if she'd memorised when his shifts are

I can't put my finger on why, but it just doesn't sit right with me. There's something about this woman that is making my insecurities flair up and I'm not sure how to explain this to Dh

I'm going to be frank here and I mean this kindly;you sound anxious,depressed and lacking in self esteem.These can take an enormous toll on someone and sometimes even make you feel slightly paranoid.

You need to concentrate on you;

*Have You seen your GP in regards to your mental health?
*Are you having any counselling ?

• What you do for yourself?;is there anything you enjoy doing like a hobby? *Do you get out to see friends even for a coffee? *When's the last time you did something for you like getting a haircut?

Think of it as a positive thing that your DH makes sure a lone female gets home safely after a late shift;he'd probably like to think someone would do the same for your DD when she's an adult.

As for you and your DH;it sounds as though you're stuck in a rut;have you thought about relationship counselling?

Forget about her - this is all about you.
It’s like you’re trying to find an issue so you can be like ‘see I knew you didn’t find me attractive etc’.

You are pushing your DH away.
You’re subconsciously doing this on purpose so he leaves or has an affair because you think that that’s what you deserve.

This women has done nothing wrong and it doesn’t sound like she’s any threat.
If he’s going to cheat, he’s going to cheat and i very much doubt it’s going to be with a work colleague.

Me and my male work colleague always give each other lifts home. We usually text in the evening too and sometimes meet for drinks.
There is absolutely nothing going on between us and never will be.

It’s hard but I think you need to not think about her or mention her.
Instead spend your energy on making yourself feel better and working on your relationship.
Start with smaller things like getting a new outfit, painting your nails, putting on make up etc.

I've not had the confidence to go out yet as I was in a shop when I collapsed from the pulmonary embolism. I don't get chance to go out for myself now and probably won't for a while. The majority of his shifts this next month are now late finishes. So, it'll be me holding down things at home while he's at work

I think you should always trust your instincts. If you have a gut feeling listen to it. You have mentioned a couple of times already that other colleagues don’t trigger this reaction in you. Does he talk about this woman at home?
You do sound as though you are feeling a little low at the moment but that’s ok, can you take extra time for yourself, make extra effort to do things/pamper yourself so that you can feel more confident? I would just watch and wait for now, see how this plays out.

I think you’re absolutely right. This woman isn’t your husband’s responsibility I’m afraid. You’re understandably in a low place having been through a lot and you’ve told him how his behaviour isn’t helping and he’s basically told you it’s tough.

There’s no way I’d tolerate my OH prioritising the needs and feelings of another woman. Ignore people who say how wonderful he is giving her a lift home at nights. She’s an adult and should sod off and look after herself without relying on your husband.

Trust your instincts here. Protect your self esteem by not accepting this shitty behaviour from him anymore, in addition to sorting any other issues you have. Your marriage needs a bit of work and there are sadly women out there possibly like this colleague who will prey on that sort of situation.

Also, don’t beat yourself up about lack of sex especially after what you’ve been through. There’s a lot of blame and negativity about yourself but what about oh…is he genuinely supporting you and putting you first? Doesn’t sound like it to me.

@WonderfulYou

Forget about her - this is all about you. It’s like you’re trying to find an issue so you can be like ‘see I knew you didn’t find me attractive etc’.

You are pushing your DH away.
You’re subconsciously doing this on purpose so he leaves or has an affair because you think that that’s what you deserve.

This women has done nothing wrong and it doesn’t sound like she’s any threat.
If he’s going to cheat, he’s going to cheat and i very much doubt it’s going to be with a work colleague.

Me and my male work colleague always give each other lifts home. We usually text in the evening too and sometimes meet for drinks.
There is absolutely nothing going on between us and never will be.

It’s hard but I think you need to not think about her or mention her.
Instead spend your energy on making yourself feel better and working on your relationship.
Start with smaller things like getting a new outfit, painting your nails, putting on make up etc.

Does your male work colleague ignore your DH and spray his cologne all over your car?

You have way bigger problems than your DHs new work colleague.

Firstly, I think you need to think about whether you want to continue in your relationship.

Then you need to think about what will make you happier/make life easier.

Your DH can’t give up his job but could he be more hands on during the weekend?
Do you have friends you can go out with?
Could you put your kids in nursery for a couple of hours so you don’t feel so overwhelmed?

I think you need to work on your insecurities. Saying that it’s best to be on your guard and trust your instincts. There’s a lot of potential husband stealers out there!

Ask him why he has taken up the role of her white Knight.

He has responsibilities at home

@GotBeatenUp

I wouldn't drive to work if it was only 1.5 miles each way

If it meant walking home in the dark at the end of a late shift I probably would for safety reasons more than anything.

Also, OP, you say it's in the opposite direction when he drives her home. Given it's only 1.5 miles it's not like he's going completely out his way for her

Oh OP I hope you feel better, listen to your gut ...her behaviour in the car isn’t on. Don’t be too nice about it tell your hubby you feel in comfortable it’s not his job to drive her around. These things can start off innocent and develop I know from bitter experience

@pinklemonade84

I'm actually mortified to admit that I put on a red lacy bodysuit thing under my hoodie and leggings when I went to pick Dh up, with every intention of giving him a little flash of the lace at my hips once she'd been dropped off. But, I felt so bleurgh, I bottled it and just couldn't bring myself to do it and when we got home I came upstairs and got into my pjs

OP, I genuinely mean this kindly, but you sound quite rattled and irrational, and to be desperately conscious of what you seem to see as your lack of appeal to your DH. This woman seems to me to have done nothing other than accept a lift home from a colleague, worn perfume you consider too strong or long-lasting, and paid less attention to you than you felt was appropriate during the lift — but you have to remember she’s not you, she doesn’t feel like she needs to apologise for existing or flash her underwear at someone to try to attract them. She’s probably just going about her day.

Honestly, OP, focus on yourself and your self-esteem. And your health — that must have really shaken you up. It’s not surprising you feel so strange.

Ask him why he has taken up the role of her white Knight.

He has responsibilities at home

Giving a lift to someone isn’t playing a white knight.

I’m shocked you’ve never given a lift to anyone.

OP please ignore all the 'cool wives' on this thread.
You're clearly not irrational as it's just this one person who bothers you.
But more importantly... you have a DH problem! Instead of comforting you or validating your feelings, he had the gall to put another woman over you???

Don't stand for it. You're better than this, you deserve his love and full consideration.

Btw neither I nor my partner can 'control' what the other does but healthy relationships involve listening. There are loads of things he could have done to make you feel more secure, especially when you're so vulnerable, but did he? Nope, just told you off.

Tell him what you feel honestly. And if he tries to blame you I'm sorry you've gotten your answer.

Also ... there's something about body languyage, Trust your instincts.
My own have saved me many times, if I listened to people calling me crazy or irrational I wouldn't have this life.

@BloodyForeland considering he's my Dh, I thought maybe trying to inject a bit of fun might have helped how I've been feeling. I know you say that you meant your reply kindly, but, you make it sound so sordid and dirty

How old is she? Is she much younger?
And do you know the street she lives on now, look on Google maps and see if there is a regular bus she can take instead (or an Uber for 1.5 miles is going to be about £4 at most) the point I'm making is does she need a lift from him every single time, the odd one to be nice ok but I don't like the way he reacted to you "You'd better get used to it"

Don’t be mortified about the bodysuit. I understand why you did that. I was going to tell my own embarrassing similar story but it would probably give you nightmares.

A serious illness changes the dynamics between a couple. You’ve undergone a trauma, and although not the same, so has he if he thought you were going to die. You are both vulnerable at the moment which is all the more reason why these lifts with weird perfume sprayer are not appropriate.

Surely other colleagues go in a similar direction, there might be a good reason why she is not offered lifts by others.

@bongobingo43, it would not be pitch dark if I walked home from 1.5 miles away. I have walked or cycled more than 1.5 miles home from work late at night many times.

I actually sympathise with OP as she is clearly struggling and insecure. I also think the colleagues attitude on the lift home sounds a bit odd

However, I'm more concerned at some of the responses suggesting that her DP should stop giving a colleague lifts as it's disrespectful and that by continuing to do so hes putting the colleague before his wife.

I completely disagree with this. If I had a DP that forbid me from giving a male colleague a lift on the basis he had a bad feeling about him (and I had never in the history of the relationship given my DP a reason not to trust me) I'd genuinely tell him where to go!!!

Expecting him to stop the lifts etc is a form of control and it sounds like she's trying to manipulate her partner into not doing it

If a woman posted on here that she worked late and gave a colleague a lift which added 5 mins to her journey but that her DP wasn't happy and was saying she didn't stop then she obviously wasn't prioritising the relationship, everyone would be calling the DP controlling, abusive, manipulative etc

[quote GotBeatenUp]@bongobingo43, it would not be pitch dark if I walked home from 1.5 miles away. I have walked or cycled more than 1.5 miles home from work late at night many times.[/quote]
How do you know it wouldn't be pitch dark? You don't know what time they finish when it's a late shift

to answer a few points that have been brought up

• she's a little bit older than myself and Dh, 4 or 5 years I think he said
• her route home is very well lit *they finish around 11pm at night

a woman posted on here that she worked late and gave a colleague a lift which added 5 mins to her journey but that her DP wasn't happy and was saying she didn't stop then she obviously wasn't prioritising the relationship, everyone would be calling the DP controlling, abusive, manipulative etc

It’s unlikely to happen because we all know men aren’t expected to put up with this disrespectful shit. It’s a rare man I think who wouldn’t object to his car stinking of someone else’s aftershave, or who would meakly accept being ignored while giving someone a lift.

@bongobingo43 I've not once told him to stop the lifts or tried to manipulate him into stopping them

By the time they've walked to where the car is parked and that he's dropped her off and come back through town, it's roughly around an extra 10 to 15 minutes. It might not seem like much to some people, but when I'm sitting up waiting for him to get in so I know he's safe, it makes a difference

*@bongobingo43, it would not be pitch dark if I walked home from 1.5 miles away. *

Because I live in a town centre. Have you not heard of street lighting?