feeling insecure about dh's colleague

[pinklemonade84]

I've not been feeling good about myself for a long time now. A mixture of needing to lose weight, we hadn't been intimate for months and feeling like a burden after I had a pulmonary embolism in October

Dh started a new job about a month ago and gave one of his colleagues a lift home one evening in the opposite direction to where we live, when we had the bad weather. He was absolutely upfront about it. But the following morning when I got in the car, I could smell her perfume and it just didn't sit right with me for some reason

I had a really bad day insecurity wise a couple of days later, after catching him looking at half naked photos on Instagram and this erupted into a big row. With me ending up crying about how I feel. And in the middle of that, I let it slip that I wasn't comfortable with him giving a woman I don't know a lift home. His response was to say "well you'll have to get over it, because I'll be offering her a lift when we're on lates together as I'm not letting a woman walk home on her own at night!"

Dd was at a sleepover last night and I collected Dh from work, he was working with this woman and so I could meet her and try to get these insecurities out of my mind, I said she was more than welcome to a lift too.

When she got in the car, I could instantly smell her perfume. She kept staring at Dh (who was sat in the front with me) and barely said anything to me, despite me being friendly and trying to draw her into the conversation. When we dropped her off and me and Dh were switching places so he could drive home, she was saying to him (but looking at me as she said it) that she'd see him on their next shift together and what time he was due to start that day. Almost as if she'd memorised when his shifts are

I can't put my finger on why, but it just doesn't sit right with me. There's something about this woman that is making my insecurities flair up and I'm not sure how to explain this to Dh

I totally get the underwear thing OP, but it also reeks of a classic move in the ‘pick me dance’ where you vie for your husbands attention against an interloper.

I think many of the comments on here are from people who have not seen your husband’s history from your posts.

I’d focus on the advice coming from those who can see a distinct pattern.

I know you don’t want to see him as the problem but believe you and me, those that do have lived through and got to the other side of anxiety and low self esteem linked to a husband who constantly seeks validation from other women. It’s possible for the to be your rock at the same time as so damaging. The two things can happen simultaneously.

I’m not shouting ltb, I stayed but its time to draw a line deeply in that sand.

The fact there is some history here does change things a lot.

You should not attach your self worth to him, it’s nothing to do with you that he’s the way he is. He will have had these issues with validation way before you came along, and he’ll still have them when you are gone.

It sounds like you’ve been treated horribly by this man, you deserve better.

You've been (understandably) unhappy with this man for years OP.

He came storming into the front room, threw his work bag up the wall and started screaming in my face, and punched the side of the sofa next to my head before he went to take dd (who was screaming at this point) out of the house. I went and took her off him and said that she wasn't going anywhere while he was in that mood and he stormed off upstairs while I've sat downstairs crying and trying to calm down dd

This was a particularly horrible incident.

This woman this thread is about is small fry. She's a distraction from the real issue. Your focus should be on how to safely exit an unhealthy, unhappy relationship.

Your daughter is struggling to articulate her feelings to the point you've asked for advice on books to help with this. Living in an environment where there is so much underlying stress and tension is going to be making her ability to navigate complicated emotions really tough. It may well be contributing to her struggles already.

Staying doesn't sound like the best thing for her.

Dd adores her dad and he adores her. Her teacher this year has made a lot of progress with her with regards to building her confidence and helping her to be able to talk about her emotions

It sounds like I'm making excuses for him. I'm really not, especially with everything happening at the moment

But, that incident where he got angry and threw his bag up the wall etc, I made it clear to him that if he ever did anything like that again I would be gone and dd would be coming with me.

Yes I've mentioned some of the bad times. And like I've said he's been my rock. When I had the pulmonary embolism I was in the next town, he dropped everything and got in a taxi to get to me. He drove backwards and forwards 45 minutes each way everyday until I was discharged. The morning we lost my mum he held me while her body was collected by the funeral director. Similar to when we lost my Dad in hospital. There's so many good points to this man. As it is, so many of you will think I'm making excuses for him

My low self esteem doesn't stem from him. Well, I don't believe it does. I was bullied in school and I've struggled since then. Id be followed around the school by my bullies. Nothing was done because I was too scared to raise it. And then in university being excluded by someone in my friendship group. All of this, years and years before I met him

Yes I've mentioned some of the bad times. And like I've said he's been my rock. When I had the pulmonary embolism I was in the next town, he dropped everything and got in a taxi to get to me. He drove backwards and forwards 45 minutes each way everyday until I was discharged. The morning we lost my mum he held me while her body was collected by the funeral director. Similar to when we lost my Dad in hospital. There's so many good points to this man. As it is, so many of you will think I'm making excuses for him

I think that what he did is pretty normal to do for your life partner tbh. I’m pretty sure you would have done the same for him if tables were turned.

I don't think you'll do anything but this is not a healthy relationship and your self esteem issues will not improve whole
You are with him. Don't blame this other woman who is innocently accepting a life home from work though.

I’m wondering if you actually two different issues, completely separate for each other.

• your self esteem and how you feel, about yourself after being ill. Having a chronic illness, I know it can knock your confidence .
• your DH attitude towards that woman.

I’d be careful about putting it all down to your lack of self confidence.

@TravellingFrom yes I would have done. The way we lost both of my parents were particularly distressing, so yes, they stick in my mind a lot

I need to work on my confidence, and I'll readily admit that. I'm going to start taking some small steps to do so. I'm not sure what, but I'm sure I can find some inspiration

@TravellingFrom

Yes I've mentioned some of the bad times. And like I've said he's been my rock. When I had the pulmonary embolism I was in the next town, he dropped everything and got in a taxi to get to me. He drove backwards and forwards 45 minutes each way everyday until I was discharged. The morning we lost my mum he held me while her body was collected by the funeral director. Similar to when we lost my Dad in hospital. There's so many good points to this man. As it is, so many of you will think I'm making excuses for him

I think that what he did is pretty normal to do for your life partner tbh. I’m pretty sure you would have done the same for him if tables were turned.

This. None of that is anything over and above what anyone should expect from a partner in a healthy relationship.

It isn't stuff that would earn anyone brownie points and it certainly doesn't negate the bad stuff he's done.

I think you'd be much happier out of this relationship than you are in it.

OP I wouldn’t like this either if he has become her taxi driver every single time they worked together. She managed before he got there, surely? Also if I was her, I’d feel bad constantly accepting a lift from anyone when I couldn’t return the favour. I’d also worry his wife might not like it or think it wasn’t appropriate on a regular basis.
Yes, you need some help and support with your self esteem issues, but he should be helping you with those too. If my DH was uncomfortable with me giving the same guy from work a lift every time I worked with him, I would do it less or stop it and not consider I was being ‘controlled’ , (unless he had always been controlling and /or paranoid, which is a different thing) I’d do it out of respect for my DH’s feelings, I wouldn’t want my DH feeling uncomfortable every time I came home from work.
If he’d told you how amazing he thinks you are and told you that you had nothing to worry about and acted as if he thought you were, rather than basically telling you to get over it as he had no intention of stopping, then I’d say you were being foolish, but I’m not what MN calls a ‘cool wife’ either.
Not liking something your husband is doing, telling him you don’t, and asking him to respect the way you feel about it, if it’s a reasonable request, isn’t controlling. In the light of him knowing about your self esteem issues, it would be nice if he’d stop it, even for a little while, whilst he shows you how fabulous he knows you are and you find the help you need to really believe that. X

He is trying. He's never been forthcoming with compliments or affection (apart from on our wedding day). And when I put some make up on earlier, he said I looked nice. Which was a lovely change to be honest. I know my bar is set low at the moment, but it was nice for him to be complimentary

Something I also noticed, when I popped out for bread earlier this morning, there was no other perfume smell in the car.

@Thewookiemustgo that's what I keep thinking to myself. 4 weeks ago, he'd not even started working there. So she must have managed getting home from work. So why the need to rely on my husband. He initially offered the first lift one night when the weather was awful and it's spiralled from that

OP I didnt mean to hurt your feelings with the word ploy. Apologies your feelings have been hurt enough.

It does come across on this thread that you're (very understandably) desperate for your h to meet your basic emotional needs and you're doing things to get that connection with him. It comes across like he doesn't and won't and you are just going round in circles and getting further down.

You shouldn't need to fight to be treated well. Love, care and respect are bare minimums in a relationship and he's not providing that for you.

@TuscanApothecary honestly it's fine. I really appreciate the apology. I do get why people see this the way they are doing. Things aren't good and they really do need to improve. I absolutely agree with that

But, I do love him, and want to give him a chance to put things right. We've been together since 2007 and had a long fight to conceive dd, it's not something I want to throw away just yet. I want to build my confidence, figure out what it is that I want and us go from there

OP you do what you need to do. It took me almost a year once I saw through the fog and realised I was making the light of myself dimmer and dimmer each time I was shouted at and I stayed. I needed to know I had done everything I could to save my marriage before I left it. In the end two of my very good friends came over and helped me get him out. I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for them, I'm forever grateful that I don't have to live on eggshells and keep trying not to irritate my ex anymore.

Sounds cliche but try meditation twice a day and yoga if you can fit it in. Meet up with your friends, get a gym buddy, go for walks. Those things will bring you up, your H may not like it though, the more happier you get the worse your marriage might.

It doesn't sound like he or she have done anything wrong.

He gives her lifts home after late shifts, which is the right thing to do. It's completely normal for people to give male or female colleagues lifts home if working late at night.

Depending on the time of night, he would be a total arsehole if he didn't tbh.

You seem to have a problem because he is doing a nice thing and in doing so, has a female in his car. You have no proof anything has happened other than giving her a lift.

And as for her behaviour in the car with you, she was probably either shy, or picked up vibes from you that you think she's after your husband. You probably weren't as good an a actor as you think and she may have felt awkward about it.

The only issue you have here is with your own self esteem. Work on yourself - get some self help books, maybe some therapy, and take some steps to feel better about yourself. You wont feel good about yourself in your marriage until you sort your own feelings out first.

I can't believe how many people are gaslighting the OP.

It's the same old story, some people just like to put the boot in where they can. Just because I'm not as laid back as some people. Some of the words used havent been particularly nice or constructive. However, some of the replies are clear that they've come from a place of concern and I do appreciate them

@pinklemonade84 instead of focusing on this colleague who has nothing to do with you, focus on repairing the relationship with your husband. At the moment it's all about you and how insecure you feel, and you're not getting to the root of WHY you have cracks in the relationship (every long term relationship does, what matters is resolving it). If he's seeking company of this collegaue (it doesn't necessarily mean he wants an affair with her) it's likely because there are things lacking in the marriage that he misses and doesn't feel he's able to communicate with you due to your behaviour. It doesn't mean these issues are necessarily all your fault but lack of communication and understanding commonly destroys relationships.

If anyone is determined to have an affair, you won't be able to stop them from doing so. Jealousy on your part, combined with you refusing to address issues in the marriage will just drive him further away emotionally from you.

No intimacy in the marriage etc. are serious issues. Find a time when you're both free, relaxed and both happy to talk, to have an honest, non judgemental conversation with each other.

Ask him what he feels is going well in the marriage and what is not going so well. LISTEN without speaking and be prepared to look at things from his perspective. Ask what he thinks could be potential solutions. Take action ns prioritise those solutions. Both of you have heart to heart without trying to criticse and defend. Look at having counselling too where a neutral 3rd party can be really beneficial.

@pinklemonade84 to add that the lusting over Instagram women is sickening and unacceptable and very unstandable why you'll feel insecure about this. Unfortunately too many women are accepting of such behaviour then they wonder why men treat women the way they do. Have you spoken to him on how he would feel if these women were his daughters? And why he thinks its fine to lust over another womans body when he's meant to be in an exclusive relationship. After all they are all the daughters of someone.

Depending on the time of night, he would be a total arsehole if he didn't tbh.

FFS

@pondereplay90 😂 all we chatted about in the car was how Dh is getting on in his new job and that myself and dd had got stuck in traffic going home after dropping Dh off. How on earth are they giving off vibes that I think she's after my husband??

I don't understand why some people are coming up with the conclusion that it's me that's stopping us from communicating properly. Where in actual fact, it's Dh who's reluctant to do so, as he struggles to put his emotions into words

I've not accused him of anything. I've not banned him from giving her a lift. I'm not trying to control him like some people seem to be implying

I'll try and explain the insecurity about the perfume. I'm used to getting into our car and smelling our air fresheners. I've been feeling rubbish about myself lately and got into the car the morning after her gave her the first lift and I felt odd that I could smell another woman's perfume. It wasn't our usual scent of the car. And everytime he's given her a lift since, that's what I've smelt the following morning. Then when she got in the car the other night, her perfume was the first thing I smelt, and it was fresh perfume, like almost just sprayed if that makes sense? And that coupled with how she was with me in the car, seeing her watching Dh a few times (even when he wasn't talking), then not saying thank you or goodbye to me, and looking at me while she was talking to Dh about his shifts, it just seemed off and gave me an uncomfortable feeling about her

@pinklemonade84 I only read your original post as I assumed the key details would be in that. It sounds like counselling would be the best way forward for you both, plus individual counselling