feeling insecure about dh's colleague

[pinklemonade84]

I've not been feeling good about myself for a long time now. A mixture of needing to lose weight, we hadn't been intimate for months and feeling like a burden after I had a pulmonary embolism in October

Dh started a new job about a month ago and gave one of his colleagues a lift home one evening in the opposite direction to where we live, when we had the bad weather. He was absolutely upfront about it. But the following morning when I got in the car, I could smell her perfume and it just didn't sit right with me for some reason

I had a really bad day insecurity wise a couple of days later, after catching him looking at half naked photos on Instagram and this erupted into a big row. With me ending up crying about how I feel. And in the middle of that, I let it slip that I wasn't comfortable with him giving a woman I don't know a lift home. His response was to say "well you'll have to get over it, because I'll be offering her a lift when we're on lates together as I'm not letting a woman walk home on her own at night!"

Dd was at a sleepover last night and I collected Dh from work, he was working with this woman and so I could meet her and try to get these insecurities out of my mind, I said she was more than welcome to a lift too.

When she got in the car, I could instantly smell her perfume. She kept staring at Dh (who was sat in the front with me) and barely said anything to me, despite me being friendly and trying to draw her into the conversation. When we dropped her off and me and Dh were switching places so he could drive home, she was saying to him (but looking at me as she said it) that she'd see him on their next shift together and what time he was due to start that day. Almost as if she'd memorised when his shifts are

I can't put my finger on why, but it just doesn't sit right with me. There's something about this woman that is making my insecurities flair up and I'm not sure how to explain this to Dh

well you'll have to get over it, because I'll be offering her a lift when we're on lates together as I'm not letting a woman walk home on her own at night!"

Nobody’s perfume is that strong after several hours. Not good op and I wouldn’t like it. Why did you drive her home?

I drove her home as Dh had said when they're on the same late shift together he'd give her a lift. And I didn't want her to feel awkward just because I was in the car too

And I do think she's spraying perfume at the end of her shift because how else would I smell it in the car. I wear one of two Jean Paul Gaultier ones and it definitely wasn't one of them

Honestly I think if you are feeling insecure it's because your partner isn't helping you to feel secure. My partner went to have a drink in the pub with a young lady last night as part of a mentorship he's being paid to offer. We have gone quite a while without being intimate due to new baby things, but his meetings with this woman don't worry me and we joke about them and all feels fine and it's just not a thing.

If I told him I wasn't comfortable with the meetings or with lifts home for another woman he would stop. He might try and find a middle ground which would work for both of us and make me feel comfortable, but ultimately he would always put us/me first and his response to you on this does feel off. If it's not an affair he's not being respectful of you. Assuming you don't ask for things like this often I think all partnerships have a little bit of indulging each others crazy without judgement at times.

I've said I love that he's kind enough to make sure that she gets home safely and that I don't want him to stop giving lifts, that I just want him to be careful that she doesn't mistake his kindness for something else

Can I ask op, what prompted you to stuff your feelings down your throat and say these things? You’ve actually not only sanctioned a situation that’s making you unhappy but praised him for it.

Is he generally the volunteering type who navel gazes about how a colleague he barely knows is getting home?

I’ve previously been a cool wife and it didn’t end well. Nowadays I would say dh it looks weird that you’re suddenly concerned about how a random woman is getting home. Are you now being a community driver? I don’t like she’s stinking my car out with perfume. Knock it off because it’s not a good look.

I drove her home as Dh had said when they're on the same late shift together he'd give her a lift. And I didn't want her to feel awkward just because I was in the car too

But it’s your husband that has made that arrangement Not you.He didn’t say my wife will chauffeur you around. You’re not obligated to drive her, or any other stranger home. Who cares if she feels awkward.

She wasn’t bothered about you feeling awkward before she doused herself in perfume, or stared at your dh or made you feel uncomfortable in your own car.

Did she even say thanks for the lift?

If they work shifts is he picking her up as well?

@MarbleQueen no he doesn't pick her up as they don't seem to start at the same time

Thinking about it, no, she didn't say thank you for the lift last night, she just said bye to Dh and went round to the door to her flat

Like you, I want to be a cool wife, OK with things like this. But at the moment, I just really aren't. But I worry if I start laying down the law, will it end up pushing him in her direction

You may be right to be worried but I think this is secondary to your lack of connection. 6 years without a night out together is too long. “Those who play together, stay together”

@pinklemonade84, I understand what you are feeling.

Some of the posters don't see it the way I do.
In your position I would feel exactly the same as you.

Not because we are insecure but because your gut feeling says 'this is a bit off'

I'd get the legal and financial information together and consider what your options are if it is an emotional affair or physical affair.

My thoughts are that there is something going on. Think hiding in plain sight

Been there, got the scars

[quote pinklemonade84]@MarbleQueen no he doesn't pick her up as they don't seem to start at the same time

Thinking about it, no, she didn't say thank you for the lift last night, she just said bye to Dh and went round to the door to her flat

Like you, I want to be a cool wife, OK with things like this. But at the moment, I just really aren't. But I worry if I start laying down the law, will it end up pushing him in her direction[/quote]
I think you should be honest about how you feel OP, and let the chips fall where they may. Her not acknowledging you, or thanking you, is not good. And you do not have to pretend to be okay with it.

If he continues to drive her home, I’d leave a bottle of Febreeze in the passenger seat with a note requesting that she spray before exiting because her smell is making you sick.

Spot on @THisbackwithavengeance

You're right about her though OP as putting fresh perfume on is a come on as normally at the end of the day perfume has faded.

I'm going to get a stronger air freshener for the car this week I think, anything to block the smell. It might sound petty of me, but it just doesn't feel nice

@GotBeatenUp it's so difficult to put into words to try and explain how I'm feeling

But you wouldn’t be laying down the law op, you’d be telling him truthfully how you feel about it. There’s a big difference between saying Right your not allowed to give her lifts anymore and saying Look, this community driver shit doesn’t wash. I don’t like it and I don’t like she’s dousing herself in perfume before she gets in the car. I also didn’t agree to chauffeur her around so don’t put me in that position again.

@pinklemonade84, obviously I don't know how exactly you are feeling, but the I want to be a cool wife, OK with things like this. But at the moment, I just really aren't. But I worry if I start laying down the law, will it end up pushing him in her direction is what I felt.

I trusted him. It was 'off' but it was just the sort of thing he'd do to help someone out.

Then there were more 'a bit off' things and a few more then bang I felt I'd been punched in the stomach.

Watch out for him making out that it is you not him. He may start finding misdemeanours on your part (could be something like accusing you of having an affair). There is something called 'The Script' and you'll almost certainly hear it.

Make sure you are covered in terms of house/tenancy and finances.

It may not be an affair but be prepared.

Huge huge HUG.

As PPs have said I'd turn your energy on building your self esteem and relationship.

When you are in this sort of negative insecure frame of mind, it's very very easy to misinterpret things and start to believe that everyone has bad intentions (in fact the latter is a sign of both depression and looming burn out.) As you know, there's nothing wrong with offering a colleague a lift, and nothing odd about doing so. Nothing you've said about the woman indicates anything is going on.

Talk to your DH about your plans to improve things, get his support on that.

For it still to smell the day after I’m wondering if she’s actually spraying it in your car.

Ask him if she’s doing that and tell him he’s putting himself in a daft situation with a woman he hardly knows. Tell him she was weird and rude and you won’t be doing it again.

John gottoman has done loads of research about cheaters and finds that most have similar negative traits. Unfortunately he’s also find that betrayed spouses have certain traits that enable cheating and the biggest one is being agreeable. Stop being agreeable and don’t betray yourself by telling him he’s being kind and that you don’t want him to stop giving her lifts.

I have noticed that the betrayal often starts with ourselves.

Tell him to knock it off and that if he’s so concerned about peoples well being he can volunteer as a community driver at the hospital and chauffeur elderly people around to their appointments.

Why doesn't she drive?

@dipdye I'm not sure to be honest. We live in a town with a good bus service and I guess some people just decide not to take lessons

I’m an ‘agreeable ‘ kind of person OP and have found it invariably has meant I got ‘shat on’ at various points in life and gone along with things I shouldn’t have with my H. I suddenly realised at one point he went out his way to help other people out but moaned if I needed help. If you get a gut instinct that doesn’t sit right with you then act on it, don’t sit simmering.

@dipdye

Why doesn't she drive?

Lol not everyone drives @dipdye

I wouldn't drive to work if it was only 1.5 miles each way

I hate feeling like this and wish I knew why it's her that's set off this overwhelming feeling of insecurity. Because it is overwhelming. I look at myself and I just see a burden that he drives to hospital appointments. I don't feel sexy. I don't feel like I bring anything to the marriage right now. Yet, I've met his other female colleagues and they're all so lovely and none of them have triggered me to feel like this

The biggest red flag for me is the total lack of respect for you when you gave her a lift home. No thanks for the lift, talking only to your DH. If I was in her position, with my work colleague's wife in the car I would be so aware that she might not like the situation and probably try to play it down and mention a partner/husband etc., but she did none of that!

I'm actually mortified to admit that I put on a red lacy bodysuit thing under my hoodie and leggings when I went to pick Dh up, with every intention of giving him a little flash of the lace at my hips once she'd been dropped off. But, I felt so bleurgh, I bottled it and just couldn't bring myself to do it and when we got home I came upstairs and got into my pjs