Does your DH shout at you?

[peacefullife]

Just that really. It started after we had kids. Now he’s losing his temper and shouting as a way of life. I never know what’s going to set him off. Yesterday one of the breakfast bowls slipped out of my hand and it split some milk on the floor that I immediately cleaned up. He went from super smiley chatty to shout “what the fuck are you doing. Be careful” in front of the kids. The look of anger was the worst. Blazing hatred from his eyes. He then just acts like nothing has happened and wants hugs/kisses and then gets annoyed because I don’t want to chat away happily to someone who has just roasted me in front of my kids. Do you think it’s reasonable to comment/shout anytime anything unexpected happens in the house? Like a spoon being dropped for example? I’d like to know how other people’s households work. I hate it and it’s making me anxious, withdrawn and depressed. I hate raised voices and it makes me feel incompetent. It’s filtering through to every aspect of my life.

This is not normal and it is not OK. By putting up with it you are modelling to your children that this is an acceptable way to behave in a relationship. Do you want them growing up to think that they can treat someone like that/that they should accept being treated like that? Because that's what they're learning sadly.

My marriage is not perfect, but my husband has never once shouted at me. And dear God if he'd raised his voice to my child for being upset that they'd fallen over our marriags would have been over right there and then. What a horrible way for him to treat an upset child. It must be horrid to live fearing being shouted at.

The fact that it's occasional doesn't excuse it, it's still not okay and it must be so hard waiting to see what might set it off.

You and your children deserve better.

What everyone else said. You need to leave, this is abuse and it will be very damaging to your children. I have been with my husband for thirty years and I honestly can't remember him ever shouting at me, let alone call me names. I did have a shouty uncle as a kid, I used to be terrified of him and used to hate going over to my cousin's house, so I can't imagine what it would be like to live with. I can't think how stressful it must be, even when he isn't angry, you must just be permanently waiting for the other shoe to drop. Please, for your sake and your childrens', make plans to get away from this nasty piece of work.

No. We bicker, and occasionally we can be snappy/short with one another, but we never shout at each other or name-call. Even when he was very ill (brain tumour) and on meds that were quite drastically altering his behaviour he shouted at objects but never at me. I grew up in a shouty house, my dad was always shouting at my mum or us for something minor, I was determined not to end up the same way.

Finallyreachedmylimit
Yes mine does, at the drop of a hat and uses really flamboyant over the top language to accuse me of things, just tonight I've been accused of "hurling abuse" when I tried to have a conversation with him about him making a bit more effort over something. He then stormed out of the room screaming and slammed the door. I haven't tried to console or plead with him as I'm keeping my head down until I let him know I'm leaving in a months time. I need to keep the facade up and get past the multitude of social events that are going on for his 50th birthday.

I will lose everything when I leave including most friends as they don't see his nasty side. I have a couple of friends that I think will stick by me but we'll see. I'll be skint, lonely and largely unsupported but at least I'll have peace and be free. It's taken me a long time to get to this point and I hope you do too.

All the best to you @Finallyreachedmylimit, well done and I hope you manage to make your escape unscathed, and I trust some of your friends stick with you - they'll be your true friends. Make sure you get as much financial evidence - pensions, savings etc - before leaving, and seek proper advice when you've left as I'm sure there's no reason for you to be skint, he needs to be made to pay full support given his appalling behaviour.

@peacefullife

It’s destroyed my self confidence. I’m fake happy all the time and can’t forge real friendships. I’m so terrified of offending anyone. I’ve turned into an overt people pleaser.

^ this says it all.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

it is not ok. It is not healthy for you or the kids.

Coercive Control is a criminal offence.

I'm so sorry to read your post. Shouting at someone is not OK.

You need to get into counselling or get out. Who knows what damage he's done to your DCs.

I'm well aware it is abusive and totally unacceptable and Op should ask him to leave or remove herself and DC from the situation immediately but still possible the man has a medical condition that has changed his character and behaviour and perhaps this could be suggested that he seeks medical advice promptly. I recall an otherwise calm and normal person change beyond all recognition due to a brain tumour.

@OhPumpkin
It started when the DCs were babies. It has been going on for years. He doesn't have a health problem.

It's not ok, nor will it ever be ok. He's a spoilt bully. It's not going to be easy to part company, but for the sake of yourself and your children, it's something that you need to seriously consider.
I've been married for 38 years and only once during all those years have I ever seen my DH seriously lose his temper...once! We bicker occasionally of course, show me a couple who doesn't, but there's a world of difference between the odd bicker and a full on temper tantrum.
A former neighbour of mine was like this, he constantly roared at his wife and called her horrible names, it was terrible to hear. Once on Xmas day morning fgs! She looked so downbeat and sad each time I saw her, then she finally found herself and divorced him. The difference in her was amazing, she actually looked happy and carefree.
If nothing else at least think of how terrible it must be for your children. The only reason they do as he says is because they're terrified of him, and no child should be terrified in their own home. Their home should be their sanctuary, as it should be yours.

Please leave. He is an abusive controlling bully. He will destroy you and your children if you stay.

If my DP shouted at me I would leave the next morning and not look back. That sounds like an awful way to live, OP. You deserve better

Thanks for all your replies. Some have asked what would happen if you said things like “fuck off you toddler” etc I’ve tried. It meant weeks of silent treatment. Until I apologised because I just couldn’t bear it. I end up having panic attacks when he’s ignoring me. It’s an utterly horrific way to be and I’m no good at being “hard nosed” I can keel it up for a day but I can’t sleep and I feel horrifically lonely all the time.

It meant weeks of silent treatment. Until I apologised because I just couldn’t bear it. I end up having panic attacks when he’s ignoring me. It’s an utterly horrific way to be and I’m no good at being “hard nosed” I can keel it up for a day but I can’t sleep and I feel horrifically lonely all the time.

Love, take a really, really big step back emotionally and ask yourself from the most objective position you can muster whether you genuinely think at any level that someone who doles out weeks (weeks! not hours or god forbid days, but actual weeks!) of silent treatment for any reason whatsoever actually feels any love, care or respect for the person they are ignoring?

One of the hard things to realise when you accept you're dealing with a disordered person is that not only did they treat you in a completely unacceptable way, you gaslit yourself into believing that the treatment was on some level acceptable.

@peacefullife, here is my advice:

Talk to your GP about the abuse. Ask for a referral to therapy centering on abuse. .

Call Women's Aid - 0808 2000 247.
You will leave a message telling WA the best time to call you back.
Ask for urgent help - therapy, a referral to a solicitor, practical help getting yourself together and planning to end this.

archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
Read this archived book.
It is about abusers, why they abuse, what they get out of it, and how difficult if not impossible it is to change them.
You need to understand that you are not alone, and that there is little you can do to stop this man destroying you and your children.

...there is little you can do to stop this man destroying you and your children if you stay together.

You are completely alone in this marriage. When the silent treatment starts it hits you in an undeniable way.

You need so much help. You are going to have to liberate yourself from this evil man in your mind and your heart.

Stand in front of your mirror and try saying to yourself, "I am alone here in this whether he is talking to me or not."

You need to accept that there is nothing worth saving in this relationship.

He wouldn't dare..... Tbh we haven't had an argument involving shouting since we were teenagers. I'm an adult, I wouldn't put up with that sort of shit off another adult. Least of all my partner.

No my husband doesn't shout at me and if I spilt some milk he'd rush to help clean it up. If my kids fall over he rushes to help them. Your husband sounds like my dad, none of us kids have seen or spoken to him in ten years. He's never met any of his grandkids because I won't have my kids holding their tongues in fear and confusion for some man who thinks he has the right to scare people because he's annoyed. I want them to know everyone is equal and everyone deserves respect.

No shouting or berating is normal.

I've been with H for nearly 20 years and he's never shouted at me. Not once. Out DC are teens now.

Called me a bitch? No. No.

Not normal or OK.

Ahhh @peacefullife. He's abusive. That's a horrible way to live.

He isn't a good man. He's a bad man.

My EXDP used to shout at me. It escalated when I told him I disliked it, then he would gaslight me by saying he wasn't shouting. His behaviour gave me the impression he had nothing but contempt, disrespect and rage towards me, and that is not how a loving relationship should be.

I left him last year, and the feeling of relief when I did was almost overwhelming. The tight knit in my stomach that I hadn't realised was there began unfurling, and I felt a calmness I hadn't felt for years.

*tight knot in my stomach

That's not normal OP, and it's not okay. I've been with my DH 11 years, married 6 and he has literally never once shouted at me. The more I've read of your posts, the sadder you sound

In our house we make sure to say "accidents happen" when things go wrong with a hard rule that no one gets in trouble for doing something by accident, because we hate the idea that our children would ever be fearful about telling us something if they needed help or had made a mistake.

I rarely, rarely say LTB but honestly, he sounds like he's massively damaging your self esteem and your kids sound scared of him. He sounds like a bully, and you all deserve better. Life is too short to be spending it living on eggshells and being shouted at for being human. Is there anyone you can reach out to for real life support? Would you consider leaving him? Sending you an unmumsnetty hug

You do not deserve to be treated like this.

Not acceptable at all!
My ex P did this and I still suffer from anxiety.
Current DP doesnt - we talk, it's different. He knows that I shudder still from loud sounds