Has somebody abducted my lovely, kind, thoughtful MIL and stolen her phone?

[TerfranosaurusVagina]

Name changed for this as it is so bonkers and outing. My DS is 2.5 and I've booked him in to nursery for 1 morning a week to give myself a bit of a break as I've been struggling a bit recently plus he is getting virtually no peer interaction. I'm a SAHM and he doesnt like playing by himself so is always clamouring for attention.
I thought I had a brilliant relationship with my MIL until last week when I mentioned this, and she was horrified.
She went off on one about how hard her life was bringing up 3 kids with no support and an alcoholic husband, told me she thought I was spending too much time at the allotment that I hadn't been to since Christmas , that he was "too young" to send to nursery, he'd get completely overtired and a million and 1 other objections.
I wasnt too fazed, she's very traditional thinking, and replied calmly telling her all the good points about nursery and thought that was the end of it. It wasnt.
That evening she messaged my husband asking him what he thought about it, he told her he couldn't see a problem with it, to which she replied, "It is, he's only 2!" He replied saying he's not really had much to do with it as it was all my doing.
The next evening, DH met FIL as they were doing some work together and FIL mentioned she had been very upset about it and had been crying. At this point I thought Ive made my point, so she knows where I stand.
A week later she messaged me on Monday to let me know that she could look after him as usual on the Tuesday pm. I told her not to worry as he had conjunctivitis and was feeling rubbish.
She replied saying "this was one of the reasons she can't BEAR to think of him going to nursery. He gets ill every time he gets overtired (bollocks) and will catch everything going.

I wanted to put a stop to this pretty quick because she ruminates on stuff like this and just doesnt stop thinking about it, so I wrote a very arsey message, slept on it, then took all of the emotion out the next morning before sending it. I wrote 'I understand you are very much against DS going to nursery. I'm sending him for some badly needed social development and to preserve my mental health. Can we please leave it at that?'

She came back with some very passive aggressive comments about how advanced DS is and how he is not expected to learn to share till he's 3½ anyway, then one about me not able to get out the house early, and then at the end, offered to take DS from 8am on Tuesdays to make it a longer day for me.

I ignored the anal comments though I was cross about them, and just replied thanking her for the offer, and taking her up on it.

5 hours later she replied rescinding it, saying it would be unfair as well as the 7.30 nursery starts.

I'm seething so I haven't responded yet as I dont trust myself to be polite yet.

Just WTAF?!??!?
Has somebody abducted my lovely, kind, thoughtful MIL and stolen her phone?

Not sure what she'd make of my 15 month DS who throws a little tantrum on none nursery days. He gets his shoes and points to his coat then stamps his feet at us not going. Bloody loves the place.
There's quite a bit of research that suggests from 2 they're really benefit from social interaction with their peers. They why there's funded hours from 2 for low incomes to try and boost the social development of those children.
Also yes he might get more colds but it's better than him getting ill all the time after he starts school and missing lots of school, build up the immunity now.

You do what’s right for you.

My child was in nursery 8-6 5 days a week when I returned to work when they were 12 months old! Remember my friend saying ‘but it’s such a long day’ - yes, it is. But I have to work! Are you going to give me money so I can stay home with my baby? Which is what I’d much rather be doing!

We've had a more sedate version of this from both sets of grandparents. DC went to CM at 9 months then nursery at 3.

I think there was less of an option to use childcare back in the day (talking about the 80s) and it was the norm for women to have the kids at home until they were 4/5 and ready to start school. That's what their idea of motherhood is, and the idea you could chop it up and start entrusting your kids to someone else seems a bit threatening.

They also have funny ideas of what nursery is like, I think GP associated it with routine, kids not having much 121 care, a ton of kids plonked in a room with high barred windows, basically.

You could try showing your MIL the website of the nursery, or pics etc to reassure her.

I've heard that kids do better with a bit longer each week, you might want to send him more than one morning as it doesn't give that much time to acclimatise to it.

@LadyPropane

If it were me I would not rely on her for any form of childcare anymore. Of course she can visit, come along on days out etc if you are all happy with that, but I would not have a regular arrangement where she has him at preagreed times every week. It's giving her the impression that she's in charge.

You need to put some boundaries in place. Obviously she loves her grandchild and has opinions on things, but it is absolutely not her choice and she has no say in any parenting decisions. She needs to understand this.

Ignore this. She does not think she is in charge. The boundaries that MNers talk about so much is in reality pushing close family away. If you want to have distant family relationships fine, but it would be a shame.

I had this when I went back to work after DD1 was born. She went to a CM from 4 days a week from the age of 6 months. I needed to work for income reasons, and I am shit socially and DD would never have had the interaction with other children if she had been with me 24/7. But also because I bloody well wanted to go back!

Ex MIL flipped her lid; there were tearful phonecalls, emails and she even sent us a study showing how damaging it was for children to be in childcare before the age of 3. She apparently "could not standby and watch us permanently damage DD1 brain". I am not sure quite what she proposed to do about it, but I was half expecting a SS referral.

I was told I should give up my job and become a teacher so I wasn't out of the house as much and would get the holidays . Aside from the fact that teaching is not at all like that, and I would in fact be the world's worst teacher, I love my job and worked very hard to get the professional career I have.

I think what pissed me off most was the sexism. This was all directed at me. There was never any suggestion whatsoever that ExH should give up his (similarly paid) job and stay at home or become a teacher.

So she made all that fuss, offered to take him instead and then rescinded it? I'd be frustrated but patient at the fuss and over-pushing of her opinion but it's the offering-then-rescinding I'd be furious about. That was just nasty imo.

It's clear you care a lot for her, but you may need to step back a little emotionally from her and retreat a bit inside your boundaries.

It's shocking though when a previously-lovely person that you trusted suddenly goes nuts!

Looks like her offer of taking your DC longer from 8am was maybe contingent (in her mind) on you giving up the nursery place?

The many incidents of her behaviour in this long saga show her repeated disregard and disrespect for your motherhood choices.

@Fridgeorflight

That's the kind of batshit response I get occasionally from my DM. Most of the time she's quite sane and then she gets a bee in her bonnet about something weird. She once phoned me in tears to tell me that I couldn't possibly get a new sofa as that would be too big a change for my 6yo DD to handle. Nothing I could say would persuade her that she was being a bit irrational. DD is fine with the new sofa .

Are you my sister??

My mum hates change, however positive.

I'm a SAHM and both my children have done 2 full days a week at nursery from 18 months it has been the absolute making of them and they adore it! They have best friends there and have so much fun and their development has been amazing.
I get time to do housework and errands and also time to just chill. It's definitely improved my relationship with them as I was starting to get burned out.
Don't listen to your MIL and do what is best for you and your son.

If she says anything again, say to her "That's lovely. And when you have your next child, you can parent them that way if you see fit. In the meantime, I will parent MY child in the way I see fit"

She probably thinks that day nursery at 2 is like nursery school for 4 year olds with the expectations that go with it when he'll actually be in the toddler room, being expected to behave like a toddler (as opposed to a pre schooler).

jeeez - my 11 month old goes to Nursery 3 days a week for 9 hours a day!

she's fine

deffo think stepping back from her babysitting at all is a good start

@alltheapples

Why do you think that it isn't possible to have a close relationship with grandparents if they aren't being used for childcare purposes? You can spend lots of time together without using them as childcare. This is how things are with my parents. We aren't "distant".

if she's in her 50s, then most definitely day nurseries were around and nursery schools were considered perfectly normal.

OFSTED, police checks, CBR checks (pre-DBS) were also around in the late 90s, Surestart and Early Years were introduced in the late 90s/early 2000s.

This isn't about her perceived impression of the nursery; it's her relationship with your DH, projected onto your DS. You need to stop it now before she becomes even more intrusive and outrageous, as my MIL did.

I need to add that nurseries are fantastic for children. I work in teacher training and consultancy and most of my time is spent visiting schools, with the majority of my experiences being in EY and KS1. I'm also chair of governors for 2 primary schools.

A good nursery experience does so much for a child's development, learning and sows the seeds - as others have pointed out - for successfully starting school.

Being "spoilt" by a grandparent might be lovely for the child-grandparent relationship, but not so much for the child's social development and wider learning.

Stick to your guns, 'grey rock' her and do not feel any need to justify yourself.

He'll catch various bugs that are going round, all children do. It's better to send him to nursery & get the worst of it over with while he's still pretty young. This was part of the reason we decided to send DD to nursery, although we could barely afford it. She's an only child, & doesn't have any cousins living nearby. As is normal, she caught lots of colds etc for 12-18 months, then it improved significantly. When she started primary school (next door to the nursery) many of the kids she knew from nursery went there too so she had a load of friends already, which was nice. The few kids who hadn't been to nursery & had no siblings, basically spent the first year having lots of time off, or struggling in school & miserable with constant colds etc while the ones who'd been to nursery had already got over that stage. Plus the new kids didn't have as many friends to start with, & it was probably harder for them at first due to having so much time off. DD came home quite a few times saying X was sick in class again today, & I recognised X as the child of the mum I'd talked to, & that X hadn't gone to nursery.

It's not about your MIL, it's your child that's important here, & what your family finances can stretch to.

FWIW, we put DD in nursery 3 long days a week from 2.5. We had to so I could work. 7:30 - 6, she loved it once she got used to the change.

"Their relationship is complicated as he was her emotional support from his early teens. I think its called emotional incest or enmeshment."

So there is more to MIL than just being "lovely, kind, thoughtful". Perhaps you didn't see her dysfunctional side before, but you're seeing it now. She hasn't had a personality transplant, she's always been like this - it's just that you haven't done anything that she's objected to before.

Be wary of people like this. You can have a false sense of security because they seem so caring and helpful - but it's all on their terms.

Check out the Susan Forward books, Toxic Parents for DH and Toxic In-laws for you.

*Not sure if I've picked you up wrong here, but are you saying you'll send him in to nursery 2 mornings instead of him having time with gran?

She's behaved appallingly and totally overstepped boundaries, BUT I do think a half day at nursery and half day with gran is a lovely balance for your child. It would be a real shame to lose that (as long as she backs off and stops commenting on your parenting choices!).

My DS had a mix of nursery and grandparents when he was younger and it was a lovely balance for him*

Yes I will be stepping back from her weekly time with him while he settles in to Nursery. There is no point giving her further ammunition to fuel her strange thinking.

I'm not doing it out of spite but it will enforce the boundaries I have asserted.

I dont think it would be long term. I dont want to deprive DS of his DGM. They adore each other.

I’m a SAHM to a 2yo and 4yo and pregnant with DC3. I could absolutely do with a break (don’t have access to any family childcare) and I personally wouldn’t send my 2yo to nursery as she just isn’t ready yet. My 4yo started 6 months ago and was totally ready, no tears, doesn’t need any help at the toilet, actively makes friends etc. My MIL made a comment about the 2yo starting nursery to ‘socialise’ (which is a nonsense anyway imo much before 3/4) but what my point was going to be was: it is totally my decision as they are my children, her opinion is annoying but completely irrelevant. While your parenting choices differ to mine, your situation is the same! Your child, your choice. She is being crazy and I would be having stern words with her about butting the hell out!

@TopCatsTopHat

I think you have found her psychological achilles heel and inadvertently pushed a button. Sounds like she had a tough time as a young mum and has probably survived that by telling herself that all the pain and difficulty was worth it cos she did it all 'right'. She was probably enjoying that her son had chosen a mother for his kids who went on to be a sahm, more confirmation that her sacrifice was worth it as her son wanted the same he'd had for his child. Etc etc then you make a change and she can't accept that this is an improvement, because that would be accepting that her way hadn't been as necessary as she needed to believe to get through raising 3 young kids with an alcoholic partner in an era where if you weren't a martyr to your motherhood you were doing it wrong. She may be jealous that you have the option of a safety valve.

Whether my little potted armchair analysis is accurate or not, the fact is she is a swirling mess of emotions and non of it is personal to you. It's all her internal thoughts in a mess splatting into your day. Annoying to deal with but ultimately not personal.
Just grey rock the whole issue and as you watch her writhe through her painful personal emotional mess, try to feel sympathy and be glad that won't be you in 30 years time, that might take the setting out of it.
If she's mean don't allow it though just say it's not on and you won't accept it. But don't engage, it's not worth it.
She'll get it into perspective eventually and you'll have nice mil back again.

This is very accurate. Have yoy thought of giving up your day job?

Sorry haven’t RTFT but I think that, at 2.5 your lockdown DS needs all the social interaction he can get. These dc have missed out on such a lot.
Would it help if mil were to go with you when you take him to nursery so that she can see you’re not putting him in prison 😲

Just a thought but have you thought of actually talking to her instead of texting? Half the problems that people post here are made far worst by trying to sort them out by text.

I would point out to her that 2 year olds have had a really restricted life, and haven't been able to interact with other children, go to mum and baby groups or visit other mums and babies in their homes for most of the last two years, as they would have done in normal times. Consequently they need extra socialisation.
There have been many childcare experts saying exactly this in the media. Certainly I was very worried about my 2yo granddaughter, and starting nursery a few months ago has made a huge difference to her interaction with others and her language development.

@Blossomtoes

Just a thought but have you thought of actually talking to her instead of texting? Half the problems that people post here are made far worst by trying to sort them out by text.

I couldn't agree more. This is a conversation that really needs tone of voice, facial expression and body language. As do most, frankly.

She went off on one about how hard her life was bringing up 3 kids with no support and an alcoholic husband

If she didn't wind her neck in I would be pointing out that raising children in an alcoholic home is much more harmful that nursery for a few hours a week, so her judgement may not be the best.

Yeah she's made mistakes and her choices were a result of those mistakes. Not your circus.