Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's got a fact finding hearing in court

155 replies

userclip · 22/02/2022 16:09

So I've been in a relationship for a few ninety's and things are going well but just wondering if I should take a step back or be a little careful

Basically this week he is going to court to get access to child (hasn't seen them for 8 months) but it turns out this week is a fact finding hearing because of allegations the ex has made, he claims all are untrue and no proof extra but I'm just wondering if a fact finding hearing is just usual practice or are these only done when absolutely necessary

He claims he's totally moved on from ex and things were bad for while before they split but he seems to be getting really worked up about having to see her in court (maybe this is normal to feel like that) Also just found out this weekend that they were in fact meant to of got married last august, everything booked and paid for

OP posts:
HaggisBurger · 23/02/2022 16:12

*love bombing

MsPavlichenko · 23/02/2022 16:16

Unless you get the report from court you won’t know what happens today. Only what he tells you.

His XW had to escape to a refuge. Emails sent at that time are only an indication of her poor mental state at that time no doubt exacerbated by his abuse. Please leave and block.

MadeForThis · 23/02/2022 17:00

He isn't over the relationship.

"His woman" is an incredibly controlling thing to call a ex who is apparently blocking access to his child and telling horrendous lies about him.

It sounds like she had to run and was probably right to do so.

Do the same.

FatCatThinCat · 23/02/2022 17:01

Trust your gut OP. You know he's being less than truthful and you know he's been involved in a situation which resulted in him being arrested and a woman and her child having to go into a refuge. That should be enough to make you walk away. There are lots of decent men in the world but he isn't one of them.

TooMuchToblerone · 23/02/2022 17:06

There will be a document called a "Scott Schedule" this will contain all of her allegations. There'll then be his response to it.
He's not allowed to show you documents from family law proceedings as they're confidential to the parties, but these docs are where you'd understand what's being said about him. He will know very specifically what the allegations are.
It is not unknown of for none of the allegations to be believed by the judge, but the judge will give a detailed judgment on what he or she thinks is or isn't likely to have happened from the allegations.

Mermaidwaves · 23/02/2022 18:40

So he's claiming that she's playing the system to get into a refuge and therefore housed Angry nothing to do with his behaviour then? I think this tells you all you need to know about this man, he's taking no responsibility at all, laying all the blame at her door. Typical abusive behaviour.

linchinton · 23/02/2022 18:58

Whether or not these allegations are true, (newsflash - they most likely are!) this is all so Jeremy Kyle and I wouldn't touch him with a shitty stick.

Honestly are there any other men in your town?

00100001 · 23/02/2022 19:13

LEAVE HIM

NOW.

tkwal · 23/02/2022 19:14

Sometimes the crazy ex IS the former female partner. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned etc. I'm sure the OP is mature enough to make her own decision once she has seen for herself what the accusations are. If her partner expects her support there's no reason for her not to see the papers. If he won't show them or tries to avoid letting her see them THEN that would be a huge red flag to me

HiDay · 23/02/2022 19:41

@userclip

I am sure you will make the right decision and leave him. You seem really sensible, finding out information, reading up, keeping him away from your DC etc.
Well done, so much easier to walk away now, you don't seem to have many doubts and know as he lives a little way from you, that ending this will be straightforward.

Good luck.

LightfoldEngines · 23/02/2022 19:49

@tkwal

Sometimes the crazy ex IS the former female partner. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned etc. I'm sure the OP is mature enough to make her own decision once she has seen for herself what the accusations are. If her partner expects her support there's no reason for her not to see the papers. If he won't show them or tries to avoid letting her see them THEN that would be a huge red flag to me
OP isn’t legally allowed to be shown the documents - the fact her DP is claiming he doesn’t know what his ex has accused him off is absolute bollocks, it’s detailed in the forms.

He’s a liar, so it stands to reason that it’s because he’s an abuser.

BoredZelda · 23/02/2022 20:06

she went to the refuge to get rehoused by council as she knows how to play the system

🚩 🚩 🚩

Anyone who talks about people doing stuff to “play the system” is basically lying.

Prettynails · 23/02/2022 20:11

@queenrollo

Yes, you can request a Clares Law disclosure.
This and now but I’ll be honest - he was arrested. He had cuts - possibly from her defending herself but please don’t get caught up in this. Walk away.
Oblomov22 · 23/02/2022 20:19

Red flags. He lied about location of court. He'd have documents re all her allegations. Why hasn't he showed you all the paperwork?

Justilou1 · 23/02/2022 20:53

He keeps calling me her “his woman”…. The flag is crimson and it’s a big one.

LightfoldEngines · 23/02/2022 21:06

@userclip

Claire's law has been applied for, though I'm guessing nothing is going to come back on that as if there was there wouldn't of been a need for a fact finding hearing as if found guilty in a criminal court then that's evidence enough..... please correct me if I'm wrong but that's how I understood it when reading online

Maybe this is classic love bombing behaviour as up until this week I had no doubts, he's the perfect gentleman, expensive gifts and treats, always trying to give me money, but me things etc

It was just this week something started bugging me

You’d think so, right? But actually, it’s not, and family courts are a fucking disgrace.
singlemummanurse · 23/02/2022 21:43

Criminal court and family court have different thresholds for evidence and likelihood of allegations to have happened to be ascertained as proven. Family Court will allow reports from health care professionals, staff at the refuge, staff from agencies that may have worked with mum (like women's aid), emails, texts etc. They may even find that all the allegations are true but that it doesn't pose a risk to the child therefore contact will go ahead, which quite often happens from my years of being on single parents boards.
With regards to the claires law application, even if he wasn't convicted they may still be able to tell you what he was arrested for, if there were other call outs for domestic disturbance (with any previous partner), ss involvement due to da/dv if they deem it in your best interests to divulge, if they think there may be a risk. Although as stated, there being nothing to disclose doesn't necessarily mean there was no da.

Philly1234 · 23/02/2022 21:53

Clare’s Law

JeffThePilot · 24/02/2022 00:40

You’d think so, right? But actually, it’s not, and family courts are a fucking disgrace.

If there’s been a conviction in a criminal court, which operates to a higher standard of proof, the family court wouldn’t hold a finding of fact for the same incident.

They might potentially have a finding of fact if the conviction was for, say, a single incident and the allegations in court described a pattern of controlling/abusive behaviour significantly beyond that incident, which was disputed. But they wouldn’t revisit an incident which had already led to a conviction.

So it may be that Claire’s Law shows up nothing, that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

Lachimolala · 24/02/2022 06:53

@MissMaple82

However, I have just seen your comment about her emailing him and sending pictures. In my personal opinion, as someone who has been through all this, she wouldn't be doing if she didn't want him in child's life, so he can't be that bad of a human. The whole point of a fact finding is to decide who is being more truthful. I'd just take caution.
No necessarily, this is indirect contact. I was made to do this by Cafcass I didn’t want to in the slightest.
bibliomania · 24/02/2022 08:26

My ex is now serving a long sentence based on what he did to the last poor woman who trusted him.

This is not a good man who has been cruelly done wrong. It would be very, very dangerous to trust him. Please don't, OP.

clpsmum · 24/02/2022 12:01

@BoredZelda

she went to the refuge to get rehoused by council as she knows how to play the system

🚩 🚩 🚩

Anyone who talks about people doing stuff to “play the system” is basically lying.

Exactly this. Do not trust him nobody wants to be in a refuge
Pinkyxx · 24/02/2022 14:16

she went to the refuge to get rehoused by council as she knows how to play the system

This alone convinces me of his absolute guilt. You don't just ring up and book a room. It's not a hotel.. she will have been independently assessed as in priority need with no other accommodation safe for her / the child.

The fact he has no conviction (that you know of) is irrelevant, the UK courts have a track record of failing abuse victims. It is to be expected the UK family court let her down, if they don't she's the exception not the rule - but again no indication of whether he abused her or not regardless of FOF outcome.

Ihatebullies2022 · 24/02/2022 14:23

When I went to a refuge it was arranged by the police and they took me there. My ex was arrested but released without charge. He later tried (and failed) to get unsupervised contact with DD and told anyone who'd listen how hard done by he was and it was all me being dramatic and playing the system. His new wife believed every word he told her and swiftly became his next victim.

Just saying ...