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Original poster

He's got a fact finding hearing in court

155 replies

userclip · 22/02/2022 16:09

So I've been in a relationship for a few ninety's and things are going well but just wondering if I should take a step back or be a little careful

Basically this week he is going to court to get access to child (hasn't seen them for 8 months) but it turns out this week is a fact finding hearing because of allegations the ex has made, he claims all are untrue and no proof extra but I'm just wondering if a fact finding hearing is just usual practice or are these only done when absolutely necessary

He claims he's totally moved on from ex and things were bad for while before they split but he seems to be getting really worked up about having to see her in court (maybe this is normal to feel like that) Also just found out this weekend that they were in fact meant to of got married last august, everything booked and paid for

OP posts:
Itwasntmeright · 23/02/2022 11:13

Six months out of a relationship where he was going to marry her, the police were called on the night they split and he hasn’t told you what he’s accused of? Come on op.

Even if he’s completely innocent and she’s a nightmare, which I doubt, this is a drama train I’d be stepping well back to let pass.

Like a PP said on another thread, if there were two doors, neither of which you had to open, and behind one was a hungry tiger, why would you bother opening either?

RedToothBrush · 23/02/2022 11:25

@Louisianagumbo

Lots of people hate their exes and feel sick about seeing them. That doesn't have to be just women. Like you say, it's better to wait and see what the judge rules then you'll know what's gone on and can make an informed decision about your future.
Why exactly take the risk?

Even if it comes back that the court rules in his favour, its still not a guarantee that nothing happened.

Its just that the court cant find evidence to prove it did.

And if she is lying then you will be tied to her and her drama.

No scenario or outcome here is one worth risking your wellbeing and more importantly the wellbeing of your kids here.

If you think this is the best man you can get, then that only serves to show how vulnerable you are and how you should sort yourself out before being in a relationship.

As i say, OP loses every time on the possibilities here regardless of the outcome in court.

She will not necessarily be informed by it.

There is no guarantee that this guy will even tell her the truth about the outcome anyway. She only has his word to go on and she's already finding hes lying by omission to her.

She should not give the benefit of the doubt.

Atypicaldancer · 23/02/2022 11:31

The fact that she went to a refuge would worry me. My DH’s ex made up all sorts of spurious allegations, contradicted herself and then dropped the fact finding when DH’s barrister produced the evidence. But she didn’t go to a refuge - she moved in with her new man in the same village. No one goes to a refuge for fun. The fact that he worries about seeing her in court would also make me feel strange - I would feel caught up in the middle of their drama.

Atypicaldancer · 23/02/2022 11:34

DH also showed me everything- I read all the statements, all the transcripts- everything. He didn’t hide anything from me. It was still a bit of a turn off in the early days and I had to tell him to stop talking about it! I think it’s too much of a gamble for you, OP.

Keepyourheadscrewedon · 23/02/2022 11:37

How are you going to know anything?
You will just get his watered down account and what he wanted you to know.
Why aren’t you going with him out of interest?

00100001 · 23/02/2022 11:37

@Louisianagumbo

Lots of people hate their exes and feel sick about seeing them. That doesn't have to be just women. Like you say, it's better to wait and see what the judge rules then you'll know what's gone on and can make an informed decision about your future.
True.

But women don't go to refuges for a fucking holiday. It do fact finding cases happen very often.

Why give this known liar any chances, when given all of these happenings??

Fucking hell.

There's loads of decent men out there without ex's fleeing or having to get to FOF proceedings.

Have better standards.

SpilltheTea · 23/02/2022 11:50

Women don't go into a refuge if they feel they have any other option. Your feelings are warping your judgement. He's no bloody prize. He's lying and telling you any old crap you want to hear. Are you seriously that blind?

Pinkyxx · 23/02/2022 12:06

Listen to your gut... You know these are red flags... and something is telling you that you may not have the whole story.

None of us know the truth, but I can tell you from bitter experience that abusive men and extremely plausible, very charming when they want to be and adept at distorting the truth. Again, not saying you DP has done anything however he is not being transparent with you. Refuges are only available to abused women, so this speaks volumes and if he had not disclosed this before you need to ask yourself why he would hide such a thing.

Please also understand that a mother has no right to withhold access unless she genuinely believes contact implies a risk of harm to the child. If the fact finding is this week it is also not the first hearing that has taken place. The judge has to order a fact finding... please don't interpret her willingness to communicate over their child as any indication of whether he did or did not abuse her. I never stopped communicating with my ex ever, I sent photos etc. It's his child as much as mine, and while I have a right to protect myself and a responsibility to protect her I do not have the right to cut him out of her life. Any court would take a very dim view of a mother who did that.

Ask yourself why would he hide the court documentation from you? Believe me he knows what she is alleging as he has it in writing. At a minimum he owes you honesty and transparency and it really does not sound like you have either. Again, not saying he's guilty of what he's accused of but you will never know if he does not have the decency to be transparent with you.

RedToothBrush · 23/02/2022 12:39

Refuges are only available to abused women

Getting a space in one isn't necessarily straight forward nor easy. Keep in mind how much they've been under particularly high levels of pressure since the start of the pandemic. Lots of women simply havent been able to rock up and get a room.

The reality here is that, given that situation, its likely the shelter would have done an assessment of her situation and felt she was a priority over other women.

Likewise she's been given priority housing at a time when getting allocated, particularly that quickly, just isn't standard. Again someone has already done an assessment here and deemed her case to be pretty strong.

Once you start joining the dots of what he HAS told you, it doesn't paint a pretty picture.

So far she's jumped through three different hoops here: getting a space at a refuge, getting housing from the council and getting this court hearing. All three hoops seem to indicate someone is taking her claims seriously. And the police were called to an incident where he was arrested.

Start making decisions with your head, not your heart.

You cannot afford to take the risk of giving the benefit of the doubt in this scenario.

UserError012345 · 23/02/2022 12:48

Think about the knock on effect for your children. Is your DC's father about ? Would it impact on your custody of them if he found out current partners past? Alleged or founded, these are things you need to think about. It's not just about you.

CrumpetStrumpet · 23/02/2022 12:51

His ex ended up in a refuge with their small child????Shock

I'm sorry but I can't believe you are even considering not running a mile from this man. Especially as a mother yourself. He is bad news and a potential danger to you and your DC. There are plenty of men out there. Throw the while man away and start again!

CrumpetStrumpet · 23/02/2022 12:54

Also, how dare he ring you bleating about feeling sick at facing his ex? She ended up in a refuge because of him ffs! Your blood should be boiling for her not feeling sorry for him!

TrufflesAndToast · 23/02/2022 12:57

You have a seven year old child and you’re knowingly staying in a relationship with a man whose last partner fled to a refuge?

Shame on you.

Sausagedogsarethebest · 23/02/2022 12:59

How long have you been seeing him OP? In your first post you say "for a few ninety's" which is obviously a mistype, but I don't know if you mean weeks or months?

CheesusWept · 23/02/2022 12:59

Did you know his ex had been in a refuge?
You seemed to drop that calmly in your post.

Rewritethestars1 · 23/02/2022 13:10

Op, whether or not allegations are true, whether or not he lied, she lied or something else entirely you have been seeing this man a matter of months. Its already messy and complicated. You don't know him, you don't know her. What you do know is you have one life, one physical and mental health, one well being. Is this really worth it for a man you barely know. There are plenty of uncomplicated blokes out there. That may be a shame for him if he's telling the truth but that ain't your problem lass. Your problem is you and you only. On the chance the allegations are true he will likely go on to repeat the abuse with you and honestly that will ruin your life, you will be forever affected by that mentally or even physically. There is no need. Find yourself someone who else without this mess behind them.

Also in my opinion he should be focusing on 5his court case and contract with his children right now not starting a new relationship and complicating things further. Tells me alot about the type of man he is to be honest.

Sidge · 23/02/2022 13:16

To get a place in a refuge and then rehoused quickly means there will have been MARAC and MASH input aplenty.

That is some serious shit.

Regardless of the outcome of the FFH today I would be off faster than my little legs could carry me.

This man lies, omits the truth, minimises and manipulates.

He's not a good man @userclip

JeffThePilot · 23/02/2022 13:25

Fact finding hearings are not unusual in family cases and they are increasingly common especially with the new Domestic Abuse bill. A fact finding hearing in itself is not proof that abuse happened.

However… women do not go into refuges for fun. Would you uproot your whole life and your childrens lives to stay somewhere like that, for no good reason?

This is a new relationship. Is this really what you want?

womaninatightspot · 23/02/2022 13:30

The only time I've heard of a fact finding case it was being alleged he'd sexually abused another child in his family and therefore should not have any contact with his daughter. He wasn't given any contact and as far as I understand the cps wil be prosecuting him.

womaninatightspot · 23/02/2022 13:31

Sorry meant to say Run as fast as your legs will carry you!

IsThePopeCatholic · 23/02/2022 13:39

He sounds like a liar at best and an abuser at worst. Run!

Original poster
userclip · 23/02/2022 13:43

TrufflesAndToast FUCK OFF I'm not doing anything to put my child at risk

To start with we don't live together, contact with my child is absolutely minimum so far a couple of day trips out and a meal, he doesn't spend any time in my house when my children are present

I have purely been asking advice on exactly what a fact finding hearing is and what it's for as it's not something I am familiar with

There is obviously something that has been niggling me which is why I came here and asked the question, I have applied for Claire's law and I have no intention of carrying on the relationship and putting myself or my child at risk

Either way if he has done something or not there is clearly just to much drama and conflict between them both that I don't want to be part of

OP posts:
Clymene · 23/02/2022 13:48

When did you find out his ex and his child had to go to a refuge?

Bigassbeebuzzbuzz · 23/02/2022 13:50

Christ op I've never heard of a fact finding case before. I would of been like you at first but the fact she went in a refuge to get away from him is practically a red flag that could cover half the planet.

Jfb23 · 23/02/2022 13:52

A fact finding hearing only happens when one or both of then have made allegations against each other. The court then have a fact finding hearing to 'find' the truth. If he doesn't have contact then I think it's safe to assume that she's made allegations againt him and you should keep him at arms length until the results.

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