He's got a fact finding hearing in court

[userclip]

So I've been in a relationship for a few ninety's and things are going well but just wondering if I should take a step back or be a little careful

Basically this week he is going to court to get access to child (hasn't seen them for 8 months) but it turns out this week is a fact finding hearing because of allegations the ex has made, he claims all are untrue and no proof extra but I'm just wondering if a fact finding hearing is just usual practice or are these only done when absolutely necessary

He claims he's totally moved on from ex and things were bad for while before they split but he seems to be getting really worked up about having to see her in court (maybe this is normal to feel like that) Also just found out this weekend that they were in fact meant to of got married last august, everything booked and paid for

When did you find out about the police being called, the FOF, the non contact with the child, the refuge and the safe house?

If it was over the past few days, you’ve been misled.

If you knew about these things sooner, you’ve absolutely been putting your child at risk.

I have applied for Claire's law and I have no intention of carrying on the relationship and putting myself or my child at risk

Either way if he has done something or not there is clearly just to much drama and conflict between them both that I don't want to be part of

These two statements are incompatible.

Theres no point in applying for this if you have no intention of carrying on the relationship.

Just end it and don't look back.

By your own admission you don't live with him. If splitting with him is going to unleash him going nuts at you, you will find that out without the need for the application.

Despite what you are saying here that you don't want to continue the relationship, your actions are saying something different.

You just don't want to admit what everyone here is saying is obvious to yourself. You feel you need to 'have proof' before making that decision.

Lets say this loud and clear: you may never get that proof you crave now, so you get involved cos 'innocent until proven guilty' and then find out the truth the hard way.

The bitter truth is this isn't like a criminal case where justice is ultimately always served (which it isn't anyway). Often the problem with this sort of situation is its largely based on one person's word against another. You get the wrong judge in court who isn't well versed in coercive control and the abuser gives a good impression and manages to raise questions of creditability cos they can afford a good solicitor (and their other half is reliant on an overworked legal aid solicitor) and they jump to their own conclusions due to lack of supporting evidence. This heavily disadvantages victims across the board.

I don't believe you when you say you are going to bin him. I think you are still seeking definitive answers.

This leaves you open to giving him a chance and then getting sucked in.

Forget the Claire Law application. Its clear you are still hoping it will go his way today and the application will come back clear so you can give it a chance.

Ditch it and dont look back however tempting it is. Prove me wrong.

It's just slowing bern coming out over last couple of days, up until then I knew he didn't know where the child was and hadn't seen it but that's it.

She has a council property and he brought a house that they moved into, they only lived there for 2 weeks when they split, lasts few days he has told me she went to the refuge to get rehoused by council as she knows how to play the system and also accused her ex husband of all sorts and has used a refuge once before

Bits a just dripping out daily

Like this morning I find out he's in a different town for court where as he had told me the court was somewhere else, we even had a conversation about it as it's a lovely town and he mentioned on the last day I could meet him there after snd we could go for food..

He's just called me and said it's all going really well and everything she is accusing him of is getting nowhere and even the judge is getting fed up of her

He referred to her as his woman a few times then corrected himself and said ex

@RedToothBrush please don't give that advice. Op should carry on with the clairs law request, she needs to know what she may end up dealing with, who she has been in a relationship and the potential risks.

Op have you had any support around DA. I see you were in an abusive relationship previously. Its worth you reaching out for some support and education so you are prepared for future relationships and not put in this position again. Also worth working through some of the emotional affects of that. Hope your ok.

If you are thinking of waiting for the results of the FOF and acting accordingly - do bear in mind that the British justice system has an appalling record on mistreatment of women and children. It's normal for men to commit crimes against women and get away with it. No reason why this hearing should be any more rigorous than the average rape or DV trial.

Personally I have adopted a policy of believing women and children unless I have seen concrete evidence to the contrary. So in your position I would have run a mile the moment he mentioned the allegations.

RedToothBrush yes I am interested in hearing his version of what's going in on court but something is niggling me that I can't ignore, I know I will forever question everything and I'm struggling with trust the last few days.... this is not what I want

I'm only a few months into this relationship so I need to end it before it goes any further, I e been on my own for years and years so not scared of that, I'm more scared of being in a unhealthy relationship and being unhappy

Either way weather he is abusive or not I don't think he's in the right place to be getting into a relationship with, he obviously isn't over it snd there is just to much drama

Either way I wasn't due to see him again until next week now, which I definitely won't be doing, I will let him get his couple of days in court out the way then just call it off, we live a little way from each other so it's not like I will ever even bump into him again

@RedToothBrush

Refuges are only available to abused women

Getting a space in one isn't necessarily straight forward nor easy. Keep in mind how much they've been under particularly high levels of pressure since the start of the pandemic. Lots of women simply havent been able to rock up and get a room.

The reality here is that, given that situation, its likely the shelter would have done an assessment of her situation and felt she was a priority over other women.

Likewise she's been given priority housing at a time when getting allocated, particularly that quickly, just isn't standard. Again someone has already done an assessment here and deemed her case to be pretty strong.

Once you start joining the dots of what he HAS told you, it doesn't paint a pretty picture.

So far she's jumped through three different hoops here: getting a space at a refuge, getting housing from the council and getting this court hearing. All three hoops seem to indicate someone is taking her claims seriously. And the police were called to an incident where he was arrested.

Start making decisions with your head, not your heart.

You cannot afford to take the risk of giving the benefit of the doubt in this scenario.

I just want to reiterate everything RedToothBrush is saying. She is speaking SO MUCH sense, OP. Please listen.

Also just to clarify he has taken her to court for access not the other way round.

Regardless my gut is telling me something isn't right here

[quote Rewritethestars1]@RedToothBrush please don't give that advice. Op should carry on with the clairs law request, she needs to know what she may end up dealing with, who she has been in a relationship and the potential risks.

Op have you had any support around DA. I see you were in an abusive relationship previously. Its worth you reaching out for some support and education so you are prepared for future relationships and not put in this position again. Also worth working through some of the emotional affects of that. Hope your ok.[/quote]
She should treat the risk the same way without a bit of beaucracy to prove it.

There is a tangible reason to suspect there is a risk.

We know that often victims don't press charges but there is a clear threat know to protection services.

Assume there is a problem here. The neon signs are flashing here.

I still maintain that the OP is still entertaining the idea that the ex is a liar and just playing the system. Just look at her last post.

If the application comes back as negative it could lull her into a false sense of security and that he's telling the truth and she should give him a chance. She's clinging to that hope.

She would be foolish to ignore everything else here and focus on the Claire's law application.

@userclip

Also just to clarify he has taken her to court for access not the other way round.

Regardless my gut is telling me something isn't right here

Well yes.

Thats not uncommon in coercive control scenarios.

Its not about the child. Its about punishing and controlling the ex.

Oh my god.

Of he can lie to you about his old relationship (the marriage), lie to you about reasons for going to court, lie to you about WHERE the court is...

Why the fuck would you believe him when he's telling you things like "oh yeah the judge is throwing it out..." "She know show to play the system...."

He's LYING.

RUN FOR THE HILLS.

Your gut is telling you something isn’t right because he’s lied to you. More than once now. If he’s lying to you now then forget it. This isn’t a trustworthy man and it’s too much drama.

@RedToothBrush I absolutely agree with everything you have said. Claires law results are not a fail safe as you have outlined in your comment. I just feel its worth her doing on the off chance it reveals something that op can protect herself from.
Other than that I agree.
Op abusers are not always reported and prosecuted so Claires law can only be of benefit in the cases that are. Its actually true that it takes a very high number of abusive incidents before a victim will reach out or call the police. Not sure the actual number now but its high. Its likely his ex suffered without reporting until the last incident and thats something you will never know. Again don't take the risk.

Claire's law has been applied for, though I'm guessing nothing is going to come back on that as if there was there wouldn't of been a need for a fact finding hearing as if found guilty in a criminal court then that's evidence enough..... please correct me if I'm wrong but that's how I understood it when reading online

Maybe this is classic love bombing behaviour as up until this week I had no doubts, he's the perfect gentleman, expensive gifts and treats, always trying to give me money, but me things etc

It was just this week something started bugging me

He can't even tell the truth about where the hearing is. Why are you still even entertaining him? He's a born liar. He's an untrustworthy, probably dangerous man.

Just tell him you don't want to continue things and block him. Why fanny about? It's only been a few months.

Oh and next time don't introduce boyfriends to your DC a few months in. It's far too soon. You literally know nothing about anyone after a few months.

@userclip

Claire's law has been applied for, though I'm guessing nothing is going to come back on that as if there was there wouldn't of been a need for a fact finding hearing as if found guilty in a criminal court then that's evidence enough..... please correct me if I'm wrong but that's how I understood it when reading online

Maybe this is classic love bombing behaviour as up until this week I had no doubts, he's the perfect gentleman, expensive gifts and treats, always trying to give me money, but me things etc

It was just this week something started bugging me

Sounds like classic lovebombing.

And you are the classic vulnerable target by the sound of it.

Trust your gut. The perfect gentleman doesn't end up in situations like this with his ex. You know this.

SOMETHING has happened. He got arrested. He has admitted this.

Gentleman dont get arrested like this. 'Crazy ex' scenarios are largely a myth.

They might split up, but in a situation where the man gets arrested? Na. Not buying it.

Deep down i think you know this, but its hard to let that feeling of being wanted and appreciated go.

Let it go. Its not real.

My ex took me to court over 30 times for access, for more hours, an extra day here and there. He also accused me of violence (to the children), neglect, not feeding them. I had social services and the police turn up several times to do a welfare check unannounced.

He gave up work so he could get legal aid to keep doing this. (Some years ago now).

He did not do this because he had his children’s welfare at heart. He is an incredibly controlling man. A court ordered psychological report on him diagnosed him with morbid jealousy.

He had 5 or so girlfriends over those years (he took me to court for 8 years). No doubt he told them I did x, y and z awful things.

Truth was, I went to a refuge. I followed the court process carefully.

If you were to do a Claire’s Law on my ex, it wouldn’t show you anything. He has an enormous criminal record but for fraud etc so the police wouldn’t tell you that. They only tell you the bits you need to know. Chances are he hadn’t gone on trial for anything like that, or been found guilty.

Your partner is lying ALL THE TIME. He will have had his ex’s accusations way in advance of today. He will have worked out answers to her accusations.

He has withheld information from you about his near marriage, the FOF, the refuge etc. Now he is lying to you about how “well” today is going, like he’s winning a bloody egg and spoon race! He’s even lying about where he is today, to stop you from attending.

Did you ask him why he lied about the location of the court?

@userclip

Also just to clarify he has taken her to court for access not the other way round.

Regardless my gut is telling me something isn't right here

@userclip - listen to your gut please. It's there for a reason.

@CrumpetStrumpet

He can't even tell the truth about where the hearing is. Why are you still even entertaining him? He's a born liar. He's an untrustworthy, probably dangerous man.

Just tell him you don't want to continue things and block him. Why fanny about? It's only been a few months.

Oh and next time don't introduce boyfriends to your DC a few months in. It's far too soon. You literally know nothing about anyone after a few months.

@CrumpetStrumpet - agreed - I've always heard 6 months minimum to wait before introducing boyfriends/girlfriends to DC - if anyone does this sooner it usually goes tits up.

@AngelDelightUK

Did you ask him why he lied about the location of the court?

OP needs to keep this sentence in mind He’s even lying about where he is today, to stop you from attending.

He didn't want to risk you contacting the ex and asking for her side of things.

This is all about control.

He is controlling, slowly, how much he discloses. In the hope that he can establish the relationship firmly before you find our more.

By which time its harder to exit the relationship.

His disclosure is all on his terms - its not about transparency.

The gifts and attention - they are about feeding his ego not because he is thinking about the recipient first and foremost.

Cut your losses and walk away now whilst you still can!

If he had nothing to hide he would've produced all the evidence to prove this and made sure you fully informed.

@Gonnagetgoing My minimum is six months as well. I haven't actually introduced them to anyone since I split with my ex...nobody has made the cut!

Red flags to begin with about trying to give you money - who does that?? Clear life bombing behaviour. Hoping to have you reeled in before he had to start telling the “truth” (or some version of the truth) and the court process. Some of these guys even think this makes them attractive - a Dad going to court for his kid. Awwww. Bottom line you will never ever know what the truth is. And there are plenty of men out there who have not had the police called when their relationship ended, not had their ex go to a refuge and aren’t the subject of a fact finding hearing …
Don’t get sucked back in. Cut all contact and be careful.