He's got a fact finding hearing in court

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So I've been in a relationship for a few ninety's and things are going well but just wondering if I should take a step back or be a little careful

Basically this week he is going to court to get access to child (hasn't seen them for 8 months) but it turns out this week is a fact finding hearing because of allegations the ex has made, he claims all are untrue and no proof extra but I'm just wondering if a fact finding hearing is just usual practice or are these only done when absolutely necessary

He claims he's totally moved on from ex and things were bad for while before they split but he seems to be getting really worked up about having to see her in court (maybe this is normal to feel like that) Also just found out this weekend that they were in fact meant to of got married last august, everything booked and paid for

The rules changed a few years back and free financial support is only available if abuse is alleged / can be proven. The bi product of this being claims of domestic abuse rocketed to claim legal aid. Look up the statistics .

If he's got a criminal record it will be possible to verify. If not then don't read too much into it as a lot of men go through it and you aren't necessarily going to get a balanced perspective on this board.

@Casper001

The rules changed a few years back and free financial support is only available if abuse is alleged / can be proven. The bi product of this being claims of domestic abuse rocketed to claim legal aid. Look up the statistics .

If he's got a criminal record it will be possible to verify. If not then don't read too much into it as a lot of men go through it and you aren't necessarily going to get a balanced perspective on this board.

Please ignore this post.

Not a “lot” of men go through this.

As I say, I know one.

Just out of interest, could HE have instigated a fact finding hearing? (Am not in UK… know nothing.)

I didn't go through a fact finding myself but have gone through court for child access. My solicitor/ barrister advised a fact finding isn't uncommon. The problem with it being quite often it comes down to who the judge believes rather than necessarily getting to the truth of the matter.

Additionally a fact finding won't necessarily stop child contact but parties may have to agree to adhere to certain things.

If you have a nosey on the step parent board you'll see there's always two sides to these things.

Of course he says they are untrue... take notice, one day it will be you making these allegations and him denying them in a fact finding !

I had a fact finding hearing. Ex didn’t have a criminal record he did accept a police caution I didn’t want to take things further than that.

He got the caution the third time I had to call the police.

I would run. Fact finding hearings only happen is there are abuse allegations. And usually there will be evidence the mother will have n the form of police reports and or social services reports to back up the allegations.

You do still need to prove the allegations so she will have some kind of evidence.

Run, seriously run away from him.

They will both have to have written statements. If she has alleged abuse there will be a statement including any evidence, ie. Photos , police statements. He will also have a written statement giving any explanation, his version of events etc... If he was my partner I would want to see the paperwork and decide for myself. But a big red flag.

Run!

However, I have just seen your comment about her emailing him and sending pictures. In my personal opinion, as someone who has been through all this, she wouldn't be doing if she didn't want him in child's life, so he can't be that bad of a human. The whole point of a fact finding is to decide who is being more truthful. I'd just take caution.

A fact finding is not that common, generally happens when there are allegations of abuse. Access is not necessarily defined by the outcome of the fact finding. Fathers generally get contact in the UK even if they have been abusive. If the abuse is active / high level supervised access may be ordered in the short / medium term. Only in the most extreme cases do they get none.

A fact finding is a gruesome experience, in view of the fact he was always going to get contact, I didn't pursue the abuse for this reason despite his having openly admitted, it had been reported to the police and he indeed justified the violence. My Mother witnessed him assaulting me, as did others.. I know from emails I've had from his wife, and family, that he has told them I am lying because I want to stop him seeing his child and they believe him.

Also, Clare's law would tell you nothing on my ex - I never reported him.. I denied it when the police were involved as he had threatened me with making false reports to social services about me (which he did anyway in the end) therefore no charges were ever made.

Get all the info of him then make your mind up . There's some pretty heavy allegations . Reading the replies on here it could be ether way.

Lad at work had one nearly broke him thankfully she wasn't bright enough to cover her tracks about lying .

When you see red flags, and you are able to sense a deep alarm then listen op. You know full well 'something isn't right' you will only have that instinct confirmed when it is you on the receiving end, and by then you will be in far too deep.

Take a big step back, tell him the relationship is over for now - if you must you can stay in touch from a distance as a friend. It would be madness to get involved with someone like this.

Massively unfair and huge generalisations on here about FOF hearing.

Why should a man be assumed guilty ? I am really glad I didn't 'run for the hills' because DH had a FOF. Her warped and deranged allegations had him accused of beating her and the children on a drink and cocaine fuelled rage for pretty much the whole of their ten year marriage. This was all about how she could 'hit him where it hurt ' by refusing access to the kids for leaving her.

We spent nearly seven years in the courts enforcing contact orders until the kids were old enough to have their wishes heard . At which point they moved to us permanently.

Don't judge until you know the outcome. Do your own investigations amongst friends neighbours and family.
This board is used by a lot of women who have had horrible abusive relationships and will always be biased against the man understandably . I have now been married for 15 years and my DH could not be further from an alcoholic drug addict.!

My son had one recently, no accusations of abuse during the relationship, they came a year after they split up when he started seeing someone else

We are a year in and over 25k lighter in costs but he starts seeing the dc again next month

She was always a controlling manipulative arsehole though

And a lier too it seems, she told ss both me and my son were alcoholic coke addicts. Apparently I take cocaine daily which was news to me

We spent nearly seven years in the courts enforcing contact orders until the kids were old enough to have their wishes heard

Why on earth would op or anyone want to be involved with something like this? Seven years of hell is the best case scenario IF his ex is lying? Or she is telling the truth and op is at risk.

Do you not see polly to most people that is not an appealing concept for someone starting a new relationship. Most people do not want to spend the best part of seven years in battle, nor the stress and worry and costs that this incurs. Your dh may have been innocent but op has no way to know the outcome of her situation. Op does not need to stay, she is not his mother, she can choose something better for her own life.

Run for the hills whilst you still can op is most pp advice for good reason.

I just can't figure out exactly what the allegations are for

For me, if the relationship is serious you would not be in this position. The fact he isn't disclosing information to you says he's hiding stuff. He seems to have made out he is somehow a victim because of the arrest and the cuts but he didn't press charges. So why won't he be upfront with you and show the paperwork and be transparent about it?

You are going to spend your entire life wondering if he's going to do something. The fact he's not sharing at this point does not say a lot about trust in the relationship or open and honest communication. Certainly you think its a possibility and don't fully trust him. Follow your instinct on this. Something doesn't ring true with what he's saying and its bothering you.

I would be mindful of listening to his language. If its about 'getting the access he wants' versus 'its in my child's best interest to see me'. Where is the emphasis? Is it about getting one over on the crazy ex or is it about ensuring the child has the best opportunity to know me etc etc.

Honestly though, even if you believe him, you need to understand you will forever looking over your shoulder for what the next drama with the ex is. Thats not healthy either.

Seriously think if you want to be a third party in the stress and mess this drama creates. You have the option to walk away, unlike the poor kid involved. Remember if you have children with this man, they too will be sucked into this and can't walk away.

Is that a long term future that appeals?

This sounds like a headache. Leave him to it and move on!

@pollygartertidywife

Massively unfair and huge generalisations on here about FOF hearing.

Why should a man be assumed guilty ? I am really glad I didn't 'run for the hills' because DH had a FOF. Her warped and deranged allegations had him accused of beating her and the children on a drink and cocaine fuelled rage for pretty much the whole of their ten year marriage. This was all about how she could 'hit him where it hurt ' by refusing access to the kids for leaving her.

We spent nearly seven years in the courts enforcing contact orders until the kids were old enough to have their wishes heard . At which point they moved to us permanently.

Don't judge until you know the outcome. Do your own investigations amongst friends neighbours and family.
This board is used by a lot of women who have had horrible abusive relationships and will always be biased against the man understandably . I have now been married for 15 years and my DH could not be further from an alcoholic drug addict.!

This proves my point perfectly.

Don't be like polly and 'stand by your man'.

You aren't in deep yet. Understand the level of commitment its going to take to be with someone in this situation. This of the stress it will put your relationship understand. Think of how it could be years of hell, and waiting for the next court appointment and the next round of disagreements or allegations.

Find someone who doesn't have this level of baggage. You have that option at this stage in your relationship.

Is he really that amazing? And quite honestly, if you are saying yes whilst having this many doubts, thats a big red flag in itself because of how little you trust each other and how you aren't fully in the loop. That screams love bombing rather than a good relationship.

As @RedToothBrush says (the RTB? If so - I hope your nee life is going great!!) it’s odd that he hasn’t discussed with you what he is being accused of.

New life!

25k and counting from the other pp may also be a wake up call. You could be spending every penny you have supporting court visits and his battles. Why would you want that for your life?

Honestly six months ago he was due to marry another woman. He's not been allowed to see his child. You know there's been serious allegations against him.

Nothing about this says 'fun, early days of a relationship'. You can do better.

I couldn't continue a relationship knowing I'd been lied to.
Regardless of the Clares law findings (or not , its possible there's nothing to find or that as a PP says its never been reported) I would walk.
But this is your life.
Do you have any kids of your own?

Red flags...don't even take the risk.

Abusive men always blame their 'crazy ex' and claim they have done nothing wrong.

The police were called when they spilt up, he has to go to a fact finding hearing & you caught him failing to mention that they were going to wed. Too much drama.

Even if there is a minute chance that his ex partner is the one who caused this, you probably would then be stuck in the middle of a long term tug of war between her and your partner with his children used as weapons for revenge.

Do yourself a favour and end it.

My daughter's ex was a coercive controller and financially and emotionally abusive with some physical and serial abuse. She was in a refuge and the police investigated. They were convinced of his guilt. Eventually the CPS declined to prosecute.

Despite all that the family court didn't o a fact finding. Personally I think they should have, but my daughter was very fragile at the time, so didn't push it.

All that to say that a fact finding suggests serious issues which I would run a mile from.