OLD grads thread 1

[BelladiMamma]

Thought I'd kick this off

Yeah yeah I know I said I wanted less screen time ...

Feel free to get chatting and sharing our tales of life on and off the apps

Oh @SortingItOut what a truly shit evening indeed! It’s so hard to be there for DC when your own heart is breaking too. But my goodness, you haven’t failed as a mother. You are her protector and friend and support and all-round life-giver. You can’t know that you could have prevented this or the situation with her dad had any bearing on it 💐

That’s horrible @SortingItOut must have been so upsetting for you both xx

@SortingItOut so sorry that you've had an upsetting evening. Hope things will be better soon ❤️

@SortingItOut, what a truly horrible and stressful situation that must have been- for both you and DD in different ways. I can only imagine as her Mom how it must have made you feel. I think in these kind of scenarios it’s even more difficult watching something unfold for your DC than it is if it were happening to you.
I don’t think for one moment you have in any way failed your daughter. I find myself reminding my DDs as often as I can what they should expect from someone who they are seeing and to point out anything that either they or their dates are doing that isn’t great. It sounds like you have done that in bucketloads with your Dd. I’m not sure of her age but those teenage emotions are hugely difficult to navigate, overwhelming and all consuming at times. I would be very annoyed if someone was keeping information about something they knew my Dd was facing so I can see your annoyance with exH. Lots of support and Mom chat when you can.
Just to also say that young people are dealing with a lot of mental health challenges at the moment- maybe we all are- my DD called whilst I was typing this and people around her at uni are very stressed, doing and saying things that are very concerning. Keeping communication open with our DC is absolutely essential.

Thanks ladies.

It was so reminiscent of what happened with my ex husband, he stalked me by driving past my house all the time, harassed me continually with calls and texts, put a tracker in my car etc

My DD even messaged her ex at one point and told him he was acting just like her dad had done to me and how psycho it all was. He said this was different.

They've had limited contact today so hopefully his family have talked some sense into him or he's realised quite how psychotic he was driving here to sit outside the house.
DD is back to Uni tomorrow, her Dad is taking her.

DD is 19 and quite astute but she worries hugely that her ex has no one and worries he will kill himself (exactly the same with me and her dad).
She even said to me last night while her ex was outside the house 'if he kills himself will it be my fault', that broke my heart because I had those exact same thoughts with my ex/her dad and stayed for far too long.

I'm lucky that my DD has bags of confidence so his horrible words don't affect her too much but its the worry about suicide that affects her more.

She's a great girl by all accounts.

checking in again as fell off the thread!

How are things feeling @Eesha? Are you likely to see Mr Music this weekend? 🤞🏼

Hey @Stepcount, looking unlikely so might have to be next week ie 1 month since we last met. I'll be honest, reminds me of my previous situation where I was faded out although I read my stars and it looks like I shouldn't be comparing the two situations even though they look similar!

Aww, @Eesha, I hope it’s not fading out. I feel for you though as not seeing each other for that long must feel frustrating and I think you begin to forget what it felt like when you were actually together in person. Is he indicating any sense of disappointment when you have to keep pushing the next date back ?

@Stepcount he's feeling quite shit really but he keeps hoping for say this weekend and actually I don't think that's realistic. Its not really his fault but as he's unwell, chat feels very matter of fact and going through the motions. I'm sure it will get better but I'm no longer that excited.

Hello all. I'm a long time OLD thread regular going back a couple of years. A few names on this thread I recognise.

I've been with Mr B (met on Tinder) for almost 3 years. It's really not plain sailing dating in your 40s with kids and baggage. But things are going ok and he moved in with me a few weeks ago.

It's been a while since I've read through the dating thread so it's nice to hear how people are doing.

I moved in with dp 2 years ago now after meeting on OLD. Bit of a whirlwind at the time but it was that or be locked down with 2 young adults and their boyfriends! Anyway all has worked out great

Just read your posts @sortingitout. You did the right thing contacting his mum. It sounds like she hadn't any idea what was going on and will hopefully step in and talk to him. You absolutely haven't failed your DD. She has the strength to walk away and talk to you about things. I know in my last abusive marriage I didn't have those.

@Notcoolmum what a blast from the past, great that things with Mr B is still going strong

@Notcoolmum 👋, nice to see you pop up.
How lovely that you've moved in together, has it been hard to adjust?

DD's ex boyfriends mum has now decided that none of the abuse matters but what does matter is that my DD used him to get a lift home from Uni🤦‍♀️
'No, you stupid woman I was going to get her until your son offered to bring her home'
I expected nothing less from the woman who emotionally and verbally abuses all her family all the time, she also has a huge chip on her shoulder about people using her family but ironically during the first lock down when my DD barely knew her son let him live with us for 8 weeks without even so much as offering anything (she moved her mother in and needed her son's bedroom😡)

Sorry that was a rant, hopefully they're all out of lives for good now.

Rant away @SortingItOut! I always say ‘hell is other parents’, having encountered some right wankers who masquerade as the parents of my DC’s friends over the years. As a result I’ve not met any of the parents of my DDs’ bfs, too scared 😱.

I guess all you can do is smile and wave, while silently cursing.

I also dropped off the thread, my iPhone had a meltdown on Monday so I'm back here.

Have been dumping on another off MUmsnet chat about my current situation but I will come back and dump here too some time 🤪

@Badbaddog @SortingItOut I've read your posts and it seems to me like you're negotiating things as well as you can. The anger is always going to be there, it's just recognising it and making sure it's redirected I guess. So long as the DC know you've got their backs, they will continue to respect you and feel supported.

@Notcoolmum I hear you re baggage. I've just commissioned a new mule train to carry mine and my respective partner's. Joking aside, when he's feeling better he's going to get a well aimed kick up the arse as a reminder that he doesn't have his house in order! (He's very lovely but enmeshed with an addict ex).

@SortingItOut I'm sorry his mum isn't supportive. My friends son lost it a bit over a girl and his mum was mortified when she found out and was very clear with him about appropriate behaviour. I was hoping his mum might be similar.

@Eesha you always have come across like such a lovely person. You deserve someone who is all in and not making you feel low down in their priorities. Has it really been a month since you've seen him?

Moving in is very early days. In fact it happened by stealth. I've realised he doesn't go home anymore and his clothes are in my wardrobe!! It's a massive adjustment after 15 years on my own. But I think we are doing ok. It's nice to have someone to put the bins out 😂

Hey @Notcoolmum, lovely to hear from you and your update on life with Mr B. I was onesmallstep back in the day. Still with Mr V, heading towards 2 and a half years. Not quite at the living together stage but it’s been discussed for some point down the line. Do drop in and share your thoughts when you have the time, you always gave really solid, honest and thoughtful responses. We need you 😊

@Notcoolmum yes if we see each other next weekend, it will have been a month. We were quite spoilt with childcare early on so could spend a week here and there together. Unfortunately I got covid then he got ill and its delayed things a lot. He became quite distant and its only when I pulled him up on it that he admitted that usually he would not talk to anyone for days when unwell. He's been single for about 9 years now so it's a bit of a weird shock to have a partner to consider. He did remind me that he continues to call me daily for an hour plus whereas my feeling was that it wasn't fun/going through pleasantries. It's just a different way of dealing with things as I find as a parent, you just get on with life whereas I think for him, he can happily just hide away. He admitted yesterday that he's missing me a lot etc whereas before he didn't say this. I'm not sure if he just realised it was upsetting for me or whether he's telling me what I want to hear but I think he's realised that it's give and take with these things. There's also an element of job worries.

I’m seeing Mr V later, I’m hoping we are going to make it to the pub to watch the rugby. I’m a big Irish rugby fan and get rather involved 😬
Mr V got a generic ‘no issue found’ response from the GP after his CT scan so now he’s having blood tests and then hopefully a FTF with the GP about how to treat the ED. I’m happy of course that there is nothing sinister happening ( too scary to even contemplate having lost DH to bowel cancer) but slightly on edge waiting to see if tablets are prescribed and how Mr V reacts to them. I’m not wholly convinced he will be that happy having to take something- he rarely bothers with even a paracetamol for a headache- so the next step will be a true test of how important a regular sexual element to our relationship will be for him. At the start and for some time ( until he hit the problem) it was good sexually between us so fingers crossed!! I do worry that my patience will run out- or rather that the lack of sexual activity will impact my feelings.

Decided to make a post to get stuff out of my head. Hope that's OK with everyone!

Potential trouble in paradise with MrT. Though I'm not sure it actually is. Just life dating when baggage is around. However it's triggering Feelings. I'd say it hitting me a bit harder because I'm just coming out the tail end of work stress / I'm Ill / I was feeling particularly secure with him and have for weeks... but it would probably have hit the same regardless.

Video call with MrT last night. He'd actually asked for a call the night before but I'd said I needed an early night 🙈 We've spoken once prior to what I'm about to describe happening but he said he didn't feel like it was the right time to bring it up as work stress had been at its peak which I think is fair.

I asked how DD was and he said OK, but... then explained the current situation. His ex fiancé apparently invited DD for a dog walk earlier in the week. Apparently this turned into a mini interrogation session... how's Dad... is Dad seeing anyone? How would DD feel if they got back together? She's been thinking and dreaming about him a lot recently.

DD was really shook and uncomfortable with it.

Honestly, I saw it coming from what I've heard so far. So was going to happen sooner or later. He did all the right things. Told me he hasn't the slightest interest in her and all the interest in me.

Just finding I'm having to do some processing around it all. Is that fair? Or a sign that I'm dealing with this wrong? Objectively I should have all the self love and confidence to have it not be an issue. However I have 4 months compared to 5 years. I can only take his words at face value, and not know what's going on deep down for him.

I feel like there's unpacking for me to do here. Sigh.

Wow @Stepcount and @InABetterPlaceNow, there’s big stuff going on there for both of you. Challenges are bound to come up once a relationship forms, the key thing is whether the challenge is negotiated openly and together, or in private and separately. Good luck.

Unpacking is in progress.

It's a real pain point for me to have a teen be the "informant" or "messenger". I had to leave this one at arms length on the talk. I did say I felt a bit weird about her and DD being in contact (she kept custody of the joint doggo though). He said that's no longer an issue... his ex wife (DDs Mum) went mental on ex for upsetting DD and he'd fully backed her. Snarky comment from him, one of the few parenting decisions they've agreed on. DDs Mum no longer wants Ex to have anything to do with DD. So seems not my circus, not my monkeys and they are all handling it as I would.

He also said to me he's "got this". That I don't need to have any involvement with her and that as far as I'm concerned I can pretend she doesn't exist if that's what suits me. That the relationship was dead for 2 years before they split. And the obvious one, that as she's still "with" his ex best friend that she left him for, it's not exactly proving her case...

I think he's doing everything "right" but it's still hugely uncomfortable.

@Badbaddog

Wow *@Stepcount and @InABetterPlaceNow*, there’s big stuff going on there for both of you. Challenges are bound to come up once a relationship forms, the key thing is whether the challenge is negotiated openly and together, or in private and separately. Good luck.

Agreed. We talked to it through well together, and now I'm processing separately. I do think that if all works out it will be a real trust builder. He's said before he is over the relationship, but it being clearly at the front now - he has an opening if he wants it - all I can do is watch and wait. I don't think that's a lack of trust? Is it?

I'm torn between "you need to trust your partner" and "humans are complicated and for all I know they really HAD something".

My walls are up a bit while I see what happens. I'm not sure I can help that. If he says 2 feet in with me I think it will be a massive step forward in trust between us - he absolutely did love her and it's seemed a threat. Now it's on the table I guess. I'll be fine if he decides to go the other (wrong 😈) way 🙄