OLD grads thread 1

[BelladiMamma]

Thought I'd kick this off

Yeah yeah I know I said I wanted less screen time ...

Feel free to get chatting and sharing our tales of life on and off the apps

@Eesha I will have had a 3 week gap when I see Mr L next and it’s too long. And its because I have the kids so not down to him at all. I was fine week one and two but now have all the doubts about whether he will get sick of this waiting around never seeing each other- it’s probably going to happen again in April because my ex is v inflexible and I’ll need him to take kids for a work trip which will mean he won’t do one of his weekends instead. I just hope we can ride out the storm until he is introduced to my kids and can be around them occasionally. That won’t be for months though.
I hope you do get to see each other next week anyway and while I know the niggling doubts will be there about the 3 month thing I’m sure his illness has meant that his form is off and hopefully his recovery will mean he is back to how he was. You need some fun weekends after all the illness

@Stepcount, @BelladiMamma @MayEye @Justanothernametoday I'm secretly hoping it's next week but if he's still unwell it might be the following which will be entire month. We still chat every day for an hour or so but I feel its a bit flat because life is a bit shit for him and I'm wondering whether this is the new normal for us and I don't know whether I want that. I want the fun and frolics of early on but that seems to have faded now because of the crap stuff going on. I don't want to flag that because he genuinely isn't well and things are a bit dour but I would say the longer we don't see each other, either the in-between has to be amazing or unfortunately I start to forget the good times.

@Eesha I really feel for you. Is his illness a long term condition, ie one where crises like this are likely to recur? If so, I know I would be thinking very hard about whether this would work for me. Callous, maybe, but your priority is you and your DC first and foremost, not Mr M, and a partner who is chronically sick is a big thing for a parent with two small children to take on.

Hi @Badbaddog, not chronically ill but might get the odd flare up so I'm not too concerned there. My only concern is things have moved from mad passion and attentiveness to nothing passionate at all so I'm hoping things improve when we can meet.

Ah ok, phew I’m glad to hear it! I think you need to have faith and ride it out, hard as that is. Lots of people would struggle to keep up passion and adoration when they’re sick. My god, Mr B had a sprained ankle and went into total decline, lots of sighing and no sex, it was a nightmare!

Sorry, forgot my main point: once the crisis was over it was business as usual. Hopefully that will be the same for you. Hold tight!

@Badbaddog thank you for that! It does feel like it's never ending crappy stuff which makes me want to throw in the towel at times. I miss the fun times but as you say, hold tight

@Badbaddog @Eesha When Mr K broke some ribs last summer he was very down and sex was off the cards for weeks due to the pain. We didn't even do sleepovers because he was awake for most of the night due to pain and didn't want to disturb me. He would just come round in the evenings for a few hours, it felt like a neighbour was visiting!!
I've never known a drought like it and because he was in pain he wasn't as jovial and flirty and it was all round shit.

If the end is in sight it does keep some positivity that things will go back to how they were.

@SortingItOut this is exactly what I mean, it feels very friendzone like which is my biggest fear with any relationship.

@Eesha if its a chronic digestive condition that’s flaring (you haven't said but I just wondered) he probably just feels really out of sorts so try be patient x

@Eesha I'd say, if you see something in him then let it pan out a little longer. We had a similar start, then went through him having Covid, bad anniversaries and I was on the verge of calling things. But "we" worked well and could talk it through even though it just felt like we were "OK" afterwards.

When he came out of the fog, my goodness as has he made up for it. Not in an over the top way but he's present and considerate and my constant cheerleader (and biggest pain in the arse).

Communication has been utterly key, and taking things at face value while also stating "im going to take you at your word so if there's other stuff going on you need to tell me".

I had my own meltdown earlier this week. Full on ugly tears with him. PMS, work stress, life stress. But things are OK for him now and he's reminded me that WE are OK so not everything is shit 😅😂 he's right.

I honestly these things honestly make you stronger as a couple (I guess that's what we are 😳). We've both been through stress... and both been there ok the other side. One of us has, and the other has quietly cheerleadered.

Life is going to throw these things up. How you navigate them tests how the relationship will work long term. I've also done a whole heap of self work / soothing through it which has been really good for me. Even if this doesn't work it will pay off for me down the line. I kinda think this ones gonna work though 🙈

@InABetterPlaceNow thank you for that, it seems like so many of us have been in the same boat. I think for me it's early days and I'm trying to navigate things as best as I can. Mine felt amazing at the start but now feels like its quietened down ie just OK. I'm just wondering if that's enough for me or if its a phase.

I'm definitely identifying with the 'what are we if we can't see each other' phase. I have a few weeks when MrD and I won't see each other so much, it's such a contrast from the early days. But it's inevitable isn't it, unless you start cohabiting with someone you hardly know and hanging out with their kids then you can't sustain the momentum.

Dating with children is bloody hard!

Dating with children is bloody hard!

Never a truer word!
Met Mr L for a day date today (aka no sex date because kids!). We did a 10km hike and had dinner after and a few kisses in the car which left us both frustrated😁 Roll on next weekend for some quality time together 😍

Dating with children is bloody hard

Don't I know it🙄

My best friend said the only way to see Mr K more was to live with him.
I told her I'm not that desperate to see him😂

@SortingItOut

Dating with children is bloody hard

Don't I know it🙄

My best friend said the only way to see Mr K more was to live with him.
I told her I'm not that desperate to see him😂

🤣🤣🤣

Exactly. How to end a relationship quicker? Move in together 🤪

@MayEye

Dating with children is bloody hard!

Never a truer word!
Met Mr L for a day date today (aka no sex date because kids!). We did a 10km hike and had dinner after and a few kisses in the car which left us both frustrated😁 Roll on next weekend for some quality time together 😍

My day dates have recently been sexy ones cos school is handy for keeping the teen occupied all day 🤪

I'm just going to suck it up and enjoy my lover free time, having promised him to be monogamous; it's going to be all about my hair, my nails and my gym routine!!

Can I have a little rant about XH please and some advice?

We split 7 years ago after 30 years, divorced 6 years ago, until 4 years ago I saw him fairly regularly with the DC as a family, this tailed off when I started dating and the DC were all starting their careers, serious relationships etc. He was with me when my darling old dog died and he was perfect.

But in the last 2 years he has behaved more and more like a dick - not to me but the DC, 2 out of 3 of whom have developed serious health issues. They are so kind to him, organised a surprise dinner and holiday for his 60th, engaged with his crazy ideas, cared about his well-being. But he is rude to them, tells them they’re stupid and wrong and he wasted his money on bringing them up. This morning on the family chat he said ‘dogs are like children except they don’t ask for your money’. They haven’t done that since they were at uni, if then!

I’ve stormed off the family chat before and been coaxed back by DC. I want to absolutely savage him on there now, as I did the last time we were together as a family, but perhaps I should just not react? He loves a reaction and I don’t want to give him what he wants. But not to defend my DC feels like cowardice.

Any advice?

@Badbaddog, I imagine a lot of your feelings and frustrations are focused now on the impact he has on your DC. There may also be some residual emotional connection to him and the role he once played in your life. Can you try to identify why his actions are currently getting to you? If your DC’s health has become a worry I think it’s natural to be looking to him as their DF and expecting him to be there for them. It sounds like he’s falling short and it’s brought back to the surface some of the feelings you may have experienced during the time the marriage struggled.
If you spoke to him would he respond positively? Explain how you see the DC’s needs. Maybe he’s underestimated what kind of support they need , maybe assumed that now they’re adults they don’t need you both in the same way. It may be that your maternal instinct is strong and you’re dismayed at him not feeling it and seeing it as you do. Or just accept his limitations and just be extra supportive, kind and present for your DC, minimising any negative impact he has. If you think he’d listen talk to him. If you think he doesn’t have the capacity to be what they need him to be then do as much as you can to make up the deficit.

@Badbaddog, I re read your post and can see that you are mostly angry about his rudeness to your DC. I don’t think you will gain much by giving it to him with both barrels, certainly not on the group family chat. Would his circumstances have changed for him to now be worried about money ? Have the DC been withdrawing from him ? His rudeness can’t be condoned but it must be coming from somewhere if it’s a more recent shift in behaviour. Is he becoming a little bitter about his own life?

Thank you @Stepcount, every word you say is true. I’m still fiercely maternal, realising years ago I had to parent for both of us as he wasn’t up to the job once they hit their teens. Still I’m disappointed and quite honestly cannot understand his cruelty and lack of parental concern. To be as kind and supportive as I can to the DC I have to not say anything on that group chat. They don’t like me calling him out, they (rightly) say that is their job as adults. But man if I saw him right now I would rip him to shreds, probably physically as well as verbally. I hate looking like a coward.

I have spoken to him a little about the health issues, though again as adults it’s their private lives so not my role to divulge much. He’s been overseas for 3 months, before he went I advised him that if one of the DC became disabled, as is possible, that may have practical and financial consequences that I could not shoulder alone. I just don’t think he gets it.

Yeah, I think he’s realised he’s got his sums wrong re his finances! The DC realised years ago there was no financial support forthcoming from him as too many strings were attached. I don’t support them either, they are fully independent adults, but they know I (and my DF) would be their safety net in a heartbeat, no strings attached. The worry is more that he will be a financial burden on them!

I think a number of posters on here will identify with the feelings you have towards your exH @Badbaddog and I know others have said that they sometimes wonder why they got involved with someone who then became the unfeeling, controlling or self centred partner that they did. You’re looking at exH and thinking why on earth is he being like this with DC who should be the most loved and important people in his life? I think it’s best to let the heat go from your reaction today. Give DC reassurance that you are there for them completely and for always and if anything if and when their DF next says or does something and you are aware, try as calmly as possible to reflect it back to him and say you are at a loss to understand why he would ever act towards them as he does. He may not like it but the truth often bites hard.

Thanks @Stepcount. Yes, I’ll never not be disappointed at how the lovely man I married has turned out, but I’m saying nothing in response to this silly comment to him or DC. Meanwhile I shall continue to stick pins in his effigy and hit the gym like a demon to work it off!

Had a case of history repeating itself last night and could have sobbed (it was so triggering for me) but held it together for DD who was really sobbing.

DD's boyfriend of 2 years ended things with her in December and she went along with it but they remained friends and occasional FWB.
He has always been insecure, slightly emotionally abusive and grew up in a not great home.
(Given DD's dads (my ex husband) behaviour towards me during our marriage a boy like this was a moth to a flame to my DD who unfortunately is drawn to emotionally unavailable men).
I hoped going to Uni would end things but he clung on (he had previously told her if she went to Uni he would dump her,luckily she ignored him and went) until a few months ago.
I think he hoped she would beg to stay together but she didn't.

Their friendship since December has been peppered with verbal and emotional abuse but interspersed with real niceness.
Lately its been getting worse culminating in him bringing her back from Uni but refusing to take her to her dad's and making her go to his and trying to keep her there.
Her Dad picked her up from his and took her home. I knew none of this until afterwards.

DD told her exboyfriend yesterday that she no longer wanted to be friends as he was abusive, he went completely psycho and drove to our house and sat outside begging her to talk. I wouldn't let her out of the house although she was so scared she wouldn't have got in the car with him.

I called his mum to tell her to sort him out otherwise I would ring the police after 30mins, she had no idea they had split.

In the end he left so I didn't call the police, DD was scared and angry and generally in pieces.

DD has persuaded him to go no contact for 3 weeks and then she'll consider meeting up in public when she is back at Easter.

I can't believe how much I've failed as her mother by not protecting her more from her father and his faults and now she sees that behaviour as normal.

What an evening😭