OLD grads thread 1

[BelladiMamma]

Thought I'd kick this off

Yeah yeah I know I said I wanted less screen time ...

Feel free to get chatting and sharing our tales of life on and off the apps

@InABetterPlaceNow, I think your feelings and thoughts sound perfectly reasonable. I’m sure I would feel a little unsettled if this was happening with my DP.
Mr T has been open with you and I presume is not giving you any reason to feel unsure about him in other aspects of the relationship? It’s difficult to decide whether he needed to tell you - honesty and openness work best so maybe he didn’t want it to come out in another way or at another time. I think you’ve said before that your feelings for him are pretty big and real and that can be a scary prospect. You want to know that it’s reciprocated. Has this come up at a time when you haven’t seen him in person? I find that if I have any doubts or wobbles they happen when Mr V and I have not seen each other for a few days. Once I am back with him in person they dissolve.
I also imagine that if you have had issues or problems in previous relationships then those feelings can be very quick to surface. When will you see Mr T next ?

@Stepcount

I’m seeing Mr V later, I’m hoping we are going to make it to the pub to watch the rugby. I’m a big Irish rugby fan and get rather involved 😬 Mr V got a generic ‘no issue found’ response from the GP after his CT scan so now he’s having blood tests and then hopefully a FTF with the GP about how to treat the ED. I’m happy of course that there is nothing sinister happening ( too scary to even contemplate having lost DH to bowel cancer) but slightly on edge waiting to see if tablets are prescribed and how Mr V reacts to them. I’m not wholly convinced he will be that happy having to take something- he rarely bothers with even a paracetamol for a headache- so the next step will be a true test of how important a regular sexual element to our relationship will be for him. At the start and for some time ( until he hit the problem) it was good sexually between us so fingers crossed!! I do worry that my patience will run out- or rather that the lack of sexual activity will impact my feelings.

I'm glad he's got all checked out! And that there's nothing sinister going on. Keeping my fingers crossed that he gets prescribed something that knocks you both out of the park! I'm the same with paracetamol and am very stoic about taking it, but I have faith the blue pill type thing might end up being a very, very good thing if it works for you both!!

Aww, thank you @Badbaddog and @InABetterPlaceNow, I’m hoping for the best outcome obviously. Mr V actually had the FTF with the GP this morning so once his blood tests come back the GP has said he’ll see Mr V to go through the options. The situation has definitely been impacted by Mr V being very self conscious about it but the fact that he has taken steps to address it indicates he does want to get some help. I will update the thread when I have any news 😉

[quote Stepcount]@InABetterPlaceNow, I think your feelings and thoughts sound perfectly reasonable. I’m sure I would feel a little unsettled if this was happening with my DP.
Mr T has been open with you and I presume is not giving you any reason to feel unsure about him in other aspects of the relationship? It’s difficult to decide whether he needed to tell you - honesty and openness work best so maybe he didn’t want it to come out in another way or at another time. I think you’ve said before that your feelings for him are pretty big and real and that can be a scary prospect. You want to know that it’s reciprocated. Has this come up at a time when you haven’t seen him in person? I find that if I have any doubts or wobbles they happen when Mr V and I have not seen each other for a few days. Once I am back with him in person they dissolve.
I also imagine that if you have had issues or problems in previous relationships then those feelings can be very quick to surface. When will you see Mr T next ?[/quote]
Thank you! No, before this I was the most settled I’ve been. If anything over the last week he’s been MORE present and loving than ever which I chalked up to be him being happy with the new job he started.

I think he absolutely needed to tell me. DD would have mentioned it next time I saw her if not. While I’ve only met her once, and we don’t have another meet planned, it would have come out that way. His friends are also in the loop as they all know her so will likely come out that way too as/when we get to know each other. We’ve also agreed to be honest in that respect. I thanked him for telling me. It would have been worse if he hasn’t. And I don’t blame her. She let a good one go.

Yup, with his new job there’s been no mid week meets. I’m not even sure if I’ll see him tomorrow (his DD weekend so would usually fit something in on Sunday evening but haven’t discussed logistics). I think I’ll push for it.

Past relationships definitely plays into it which I’ve been open with in him return. He agreed I haven’t “seen someone do the right thing by me in this situation yet”. And that in theory this could be a real trust builder.

Honestly part of my bloody problem is that we talked it through like adults, no one got grumpy at each other, and while it left me uncomfortable at the whole situation for being a situation in the first place it’s not because of how he dealt with it and is in despite the reassurance he gave me! I really want to be able to lean into him and trust that my Big Feels for him are justified. I want to keep talking through stuff like this with a willing partner. And hot damn I like (love) him in all the ways. I will be gutted if he picks her.

All signs point to him not.

@InABetterPlaceNow so she wants him after cheating on him? I doubt he would be stupid enough to go back

[quote Eesha]@InABetterPlaceNow so she wants him after cheating on him? I doubt he would be stupid enough to go back[/quote]
I really hope not. I spoke to my "like a Dad" about it today and he said, I guess she's just feeling lonely... I replied, oh no... she's still with the ex best friend 🙈

Honestly his initial comeback was "I'm not going to be taken for a fool again".

I pushed back on that and said... umm... because other stuff wasn't working and because we're doing pretty good?

Which ofc he agreed with. Hence him saying the relationship being dead for at least 2 years.

I just don't have a useful comparison I think. If my ex gets in touch, I phone the police 🙈 He has 100% assurance that won't pick up. He proposed to her. She f'd up.

Absolutely brilliant if it works out for us (her loss). But the Fear is real.

Went for asking for the F2F and he's coming over tomorrow night after DD goes home. I'm not sure if I actually need to talk to him about any of this (I do think he's played it all well) but his willingness to prioritise me and to get to touch his face helps.

I'd be so gutted to lose him.

@Stepcount this is great that the GP and MrV have taken this seriously. And also a huge relief to know 'nothing sinister' going on. From what you've posted it seems you're still not 100% convinced that he is going to put his brave pants on and prioritise your sex life. That will be the true test, and you'll know soon enough if he is. Then you can figure out how you feel about that. Unorthodox I know but I'd have been talking about the different ways that I could find pleasure, outside the relationship, as he's made it clear to you that he wasn't so interested in a one way street sex wise (did I get that right?). Otherwise you're stuck with a situation where one of you is sexually frustrated but relying on the other to provide physical evidence of their love, which isn't forthcoming. But if everything else is good, it puts a huge burden on the two of you if you can only have sex with each other. Sorry - I know this isn't the norm for everyone and I am just posting how I'd feel in your shoes.

@InABetterPlaceNow wow yes that's a biggie. So my senses went all alert 🚨 and I was thinking through all the usual scenarios when people love to triangulate or use DC to get messages through and frankly I was thinking that I didn't like any of the answers that I was getting.

But actually - you've got to give credit where credit is due - honesty was absolutely the way forward in this situation. I'm most unimpressed with the ex. What is all that about? A power play via his DD? Ewww that would be enough to put me off someone for life.

Here's hoping that it's just a blip in a good relationship in a complicated world!

Thank you @BelladiMamma ! That’s given me validation that this is an absolutely OK thing to be wobbly about. I’m wary of my internal radar because it’s primed to go off at the slightest thread but this one is a big ‘un I think. I said that to him anyway. That I think it’s absolutely OK I have Feelings over this.

I said I feel uncomfortable that she asked if he’s seeing someone (DD, bless her, said apparently “there is someone he’s been seeing for a while now and I think they might be in a relationship” - what a freaking awful situation to put a kid in!!) and THEN went on to say about “what if Dad and I get back together”.

I said it felt like a complete lack of boundaries. He said she HAS no boundaries.

So. What I’ve learnt is that his ex wife is probably not an issue (they worked together to protect their kid), but this one might be something that will come up from time to time. I feel I need to play it carefully as I don’t want him to hide stuff from me to protect me, but it’s also going to trigger processing in my own mind. Let’s hope we can keep talking things though 🤢 Why can’t life be simple?

@InABetterPlaceNow

Thank you *@BelladiMamma* ! That’s given me validation that this is an absolutely OK thing to be wobbly about. I’m wary of my internal radar because it’s primed to go off at the slightest thread but this one is a big ‘un I think. I said that to him anyway. That I think it’s absolutely OK I have Feelings over this.

I said I feel uncomfortable that she asked if he’s seeing someone (DD, bless her, said apparently “there is someone he’s been seeing for a while now and I think they might be in a relationship” - what a freaking awful situation to put a kid in!!) and THEN went on to say about “what if Dad and I get back together”.

I said it felt like a complete lack of boundaries. He said she HAS no boundaries.

So. What I’ve learnt is that his ex wife is probably not an issue (they worked together to protect their kid), but this one might be something that will come up from time to time. I feel I need to play it carefully as I don’t want him to hide stuff from me to protect me, but it’s also going to trigger processing in my own mind. Let’s hope we can keep talking things though 🤢 Why can’t life be simple?

Things to reassure yourself with: He's not saying he feels Sorry for ex fiancée or that he's going to meet up with her for closure He didn't hint at something then leave you dangling, he told you straight off

Things to maybe straighten out?
Ex fiancée's boundaries with DD and her ongoing contact
What contact MrT and ex fiancée have

And like what the hell does her current bloke think about all this? She sounds pretty dreadful. At best immature, at worst, actively interfering.

Try to have a nice catch up with him tomorrow and see what comes out naturally? Or just straight up tell him you're not on board with how this has all played out?

@BelladiMamma Agree re reassurances. He’s played it exactly right.

Ex Wife has banned DD from seeing her and he is on board. She was really upset.

MrT has her on FB and will see her during mutual meets. That’s the bit I have to trust him on (and I do, currently).

Current bloke is clueless I think. I guess my initial warning signs of “red flags about speaking of toxic exes” can be laid to rest. She is living up to what he described.

Yeah, I just need some in person F2F time I think after this. Im grateful he’s seen that too and is coming over tomorrow. I don’t think I need to do anymore talking through (he’s done every he could) but knowing me it will come out if I do 😅😂

[quote InABetterPlaceNow]@BelladiMamma Agree re reassurances. He’s played it exactly right.

Ex Wife has banned DD from seeing her and he is on board. She was really upset.

MrT has her on FB and will see her during mutual meets. That’s the bit I have to trust him on (and I do, currently).

Current bloke is clueless I think. I guess my initial warning signs of “red flags about speaking of toxic exes” can be laid to rest. She is living up to what he described.

Yeah, I just need some in person F2F time I think after this. Im grateful he’s seen that too and is coming over tomorrow. I don’t think I need to do anymore talking through (he’s done every he could) but knowing me it will come out if I do 😅😂[/quote]
How sis the ex fiancée get to arrange this if he and his ex W are against it? She sounds like a real low life if she's going against both parents' wishes! The poor DD. hopefully this will get sorted so she's not stuck in the middle anymore

Been meaning to check in on here for ages! Great to see @Notcoolmum around, happy to hear things are still going well with Mr B.
@InABetterPlaceNow that's a lot to unpick I think, agree that some face to face time is needed here. I'm not keen on Mr T saying "I won't be taken for a fool again" rather than "cos obvs I have you and I'm totally in love" but I'm guessing when it all happened with her, it must have really hurt.
Hoping things start to get better in the bedroom dept @Stepcount 😉 must be a relief that it's nothing too scary. @Eesha I know what you mean about comms ending up as pleasantries, I'm in the same boat. The limited physical contact must be really hard

@Heartbeats0708 lovely to see you as well. How are you doing? Yes it's been tough and will be a month next weekend. He's actually opened up more saying it was important he was fully well and OK before seeing me so things then made more sense, plus we do still talk every day somehow for a bit. I guess for me, the change so early on has been a lot but I'm fully aware that if someone got fed up of me because of an illness I couldn't help, then that also wouldn't be fair. I was out this weekend seeing friends plus I'm doing up my place as a gift to myself so that's making me feel better. Hoping to see Mr Music next week though.

@Stepcount Excellent news on Mr V. Lets hope he doesn't shun the medication offered and you can go back to some form of intimacy.

@InABetterPlaceNow I don't have anything to add that others haven't said but agree with you that issues like this are par for the course when people come to relationships with their own legitimate baggage. Once you're over 30 everyone has baggage and its just finding a way of dealing with it together. Relationships can be hard work.
I hope seeing him face to face makes you feel a whole heap better.

Good thank you @Eesha! Mr D and I are about 9 months in now. In some ways it still feels very new, I'm sure I don't "know" him properly yet and I still get a tad nervous meeting up when it's been a week or so, but in others we are very settled. Mostly in a good way, in that time together feels comfortable and easy. But in a not so good way, I feel our messages between meets are a bit minimal? Not much flirting/excitement like there used to be, which I miss, but it's something I'm willing to compromise on I think. He does make me feel very secure and loved 🥰 which is no easy task! Had some excellent support and advice on this from @SortingItOut, @BelladiMamma and @InABetterPlaceNow that's helped me prioritise and unpick.
I hope Mr Music is soon feeling well enough to resume things, I'm quite a physical person and would really struggle in your shoes. Have you made any nice plans together for the coming weeks/months?
Doing your place up is a wonderful gift to yourself!

@Heartbeats0708

Good thank you *@Eesha! Mr D and I are about 9 months in now. In some ways it still feels very new, I'm sure I don't "know" him properly yet and I still get a tad nervous meeting up when it's been a week or so, but in others we are very settled. Mostly in a good way, in that time together feels comfortable and easy. But in a not so good way, I feel our messages between meets are a bit minimal? Not much flirting/excitement like there used to be, which I miss, but it's something I'm willing to compromise on I think. He does make me feel very secure and loved 🥰 which is no easy task! Had some excellent support and advice on this from @SortingItOut, @BelladiMamma and @InABetterPlaceNow* that's helped me prioritise and unpick. I hope Mr Music is soon feeling well enough to resume things, I'm quite a physical person and would really struggle in your shoes. Have you made any nice plans together for the coming weeks/months? Doing your place up is a wonderful gift to yourself!

It's interesting isn't it, that nervousness. I was actually thinking this morning that I get quite anxious and panicky before meeting up with MrD, if it's not on my patch. I used to have the same with MrA. I am however living with concussion syndrome and complex PTSD so maybe that's normal for me 🤷🏻‍♀️, it's more about being scared to leave my comfort zone. I just wish he'd always travel here and we could be cosy in my space but that's wishful thinking really.

@Heartbeats0708 I am actually struggling to stay interested after almost a month of not seeing each other. It's only recently in the last week that he's perked up a bit and said he misses me/looking forward to seeing me whereas before it was just pleasantries till I pulled him up on it and said the dynamic had really changed. I'm trying to remember it's early days still but it's definitely feeling more subdued and hard to sustain any enthusiasm when you don't know when you're seeing someone and when they aren't giving much in return.

I get nervous when I know Mr B is on his way to me, it lets me know for sure that there is something real there.

I too get the nervousness when I’m seeing Mr L as it’s always at least 2 weeks since we last met so it’s very much nervous excitement rather than anxiety

just back from a lovely weekend together and the next weekend we are together we are actually taking a trip to the UK to visit his friends. I can’t wait to leave the country for the first time in over 2 years and it’s all the nicer that it’s with him:)

Thank you everyone for all the good wishes for my dormant sex life ! We had a great time at the pub, cheering on the Irish rugby win - helped along by a tad too much wine. Mr V was the best company and we had a fab afternoon chatting to strangers in the shared experience of watching the match.
Bella your suggestion of satisfying my sexual needs elsewhere-I think that was the implication- is something I have thought about but not pursued. I feel totally committed to Mr V and I know from past experience that once I start to seek something outside of a relationship then it impacts things and messes with my head. If it continues to stall sexually with Mr V I don’t know at the moment how that would impact us. I’ve fallen for him, he’s a very significant part of my life and all I hope is that we can work with whatever further challenges there might be.

@Stepcount

Thank you everyone for all the good wishes for my dormant sex life ! We had a great time at the pub, cheering on the Irish rugby win - helped along by a tad too much wine. Mr V was the best company and we had a fab afternoon chatting to strangers in the shared experience of watching the match. Bella your suggestion of satisfying my sexual needs elsewhere-I think that was the implication- is something I have thought about but not pursued. I feel totally committed to Mr V and I know from past experience that once I start to seek something outside of a relationship then it impacts things and messes with my head. If it continues to stall sexually with Mr V I don’t know at the moment how that would impact us. I’ve fallen for him, he’s a very significant part of my life and all I hope is that we can work with whatever further challenges there might be.

Sounds like a lovely day with MrV 🤗

Yes I totally hear you. I don't know what I'd do if MrD and I hit a significant roadblock to our sex lives. We're both very into sex and a lot of our chat is about that. Having said that, working towards an open relationship has always been on the cards for us so it would simply be a revisiting of the topic.

I have an abiding fear of being 'stuck' in anything, probably always have done but after a 20 year emotional waste of time with my ex ... even more so ...

@MayEye

I too get the nervousness when I’m seeing Mr L as it’s always at least 2 weeks since we last met so it’s very much nervous excitement rather than anxiety

just back from a lovely weekend together and the next weekend we are together we are actually taking a trip to the UK to visit his friends. I can’t wait to leave the country for the first time in over 2 years and it’s all the nicer that it’s with him:)

Awww that's lovely to hear.

I hope you have a fabulous time when you come over

Mini update, MrT and I are fine... now 🤦🏼‍♀️

Despite trying really hard to deal with it all well and "be OK"... I was invited to impromptu girlie drinks Sat night, got absolutely trollied, proceeded to try to make MrT jealous / pick a fight via text which went totally over his head and lost the heel of my favourite pair of shoes somewhere in town 🙄

Cue me drunkenly apologising to him for being such a douche and admitting how much it had all got to me. From further talks both him and his ex wife are horrified at how ex has treated DD and she is REALLY upset so I think it's time for me to grow up and stop talking it all so personally. I think ex has probably burnt any chance of anything with this in all honesty (not that it seems that there was a chance to begin with).

I was mortified on how I'd acted yesterday. MrT came round with 2 bottles of my favourite fizzy drink to settle my stomach, a biscoff doughnut his friend made for me (the best female friend I was also wary of 🙄 not yet met her and she's making me baked goods!!) and a set of D&D dice he'd ordered and bought for me "just because". And generally hugged the grump out of me. Told me to stop apologising.

So yeah... I lost all moral high ground 🙈

@BelladiMamma Just to clarify, it's after this incident that she's no longer able to see DD. So potentially no longer an issue and she's written herself out of their lives but I guess we will see! Much more settled about it all now (if mortified on how poorly I handled it in the end)