OLD grads thread 1

[BelladiMamma]

Thought I'd kick this off

Yeah yeah I know I said I wanted less screen time ...

Feel free to get chatting and sharing our tales of life on and off the apps

So me and Mr A have not seen each other besides a walk with the kids for weeks due to my ex getting covid again (anti vaxxer) but today! Is the first day he's OK and also negative so my dd is going to his tonight and tomorrow. I'll miss her but my god, she has late bedtimes and ill be able to stay over with the man for an evening

@clovertoast I think I remember you too from way back, let us know the test results! I had a scare a few weeks back but my periods are all over the shop, think I'm peri menopausal

@eesha whats up with mr music? Can you not nip round for a cuppa or is it covid?

@TowandaForever I bought something called the flourish kit from Boots and I'm planning on using it when I stop the pill in a few weeks. It's supposed to tell you where you are hormonal wise. Could be interesting!

[quote Eesha]@BelladiMamma thank you, its feeling a lot better though I possibly won't see him for a few weeks due to this health stuff. But things do feel more back to normal after talking it through. As a pp mentioned, illness is a big test for relationships.[/quote]
I'm so pleased. Sometimes a chat is all you need ♥️

@Eesha, good to read that you had a proper conversation with Mr Music. Obviously you ,may not want to say what his illness/condition is but does it have to mean that you won't be able to see each other in person for weeks at a time potentially ? I think supercali's suggestion to go round for a FTF catch up/cuddle etc would be good. If this is a recurring illness then finding a way to stay connected through these episodes is going to be crucial. Even seeing Mr V's cheeky face stood at the end of my path for a few minutes last summer when we had Covid was a lovely boost. He lobbed a packet of paracetamol at me, cracked a few jokes and got back in his van.

I had a lovely time at the family party on Saturday. They really are a fantastic group of people. It is testament to their all encompassing attitude that they were genuinely disappointed that Mr V was not with me. Younger DD absolutely loves spending time with them. She's the youngest GrC at 17 and many of her cousins now have their own DC so it was a big noisy gathering and just what we needed.
Mr V was really good and checked in several times with me from his party and I went over to see him yesterday. Met his Dsis for the first time in a perfect low key way as she was just finishing off some DIY with him prior to her moving in. There's a family meal on his side soon so I will get to meet the rest of his small clan. In a completely non mushy way he told me he's never felt or been as serious about anyone as he is about me. Ideally these kind of statements would be delivered in an eyes locked romantic clinch so I have had to re tune my brain to accept that this is his way of telling me his feelings, because they are said with an endearing sincerity.

[quote Stepcount]**@Eesha, good to read that you had a proper conversation with Mr Music. Obviously you ,may not want to say what his illness/condition is but does it have to mean that you won't be able to see each other in person for weeks at a time potentially ? I think supercali's suggestion to go round for a FTF catch up/cuddle etc would be good. If this is a recurring illness then finding a way to stay connected through these episodes is going to be crucial. Even seeing Mr V's cheeky face stood at the end of my path for a few minutes last summer when we had Covid was a lovely boost. He lobbed a packet of paracetamol at me, cracked a few jokes and got back in his van.[/quote]
Hi @Stepcount, no I think if he's still unwell, I genuinely can't see him. It's OK, it's something we have to live with. Unfortunately I have a perfect child free weekend coming up!

@Stepcount that sounds really lovely with Mr V. He genuinely seems crazy about you.

It’s quiet on both threads, I hope everyone is ok?

I’m back safe in the arms of Mr B after two weeks apart. I really missed him. He is loyal and steadfast, calm and loving. Fantastic sex night and morning. The complete opposite to XH. Who knew that this is what a relationship with a man could be like?

Why can’t I commit?????

@Badbaddog

It’s quiet on both threads, I hope everyone is ok?

I’m back safe in the arms of Mr B after two weeks apart. I really missed him. He is loyal and steadfast, calm and loving. Fantastic sex night and morning. The complete opposite to XH. Who knew that this is what a relationship with a man could be like?

Why can’t I commit?????

What's stopping you? Where / how do you feel it?

All fine here thanks, just not got much to say at the moment. Working hard, and following the news. Feeling a bit everything-and-nothing about it all.

Thanks @PurpleStripyScarf it’s a variety of things. Mostly, I hated being a wife the first time around, I didn’t like being part of an official ‘couple’ (feeling judged for having chosen such an idiot (XH). I don’t want someone around all the time -XH worked away during the week for the second 15 years of our relationship so I have little recent experience of cohabiting with a partner. It feels huge.

Historically I’ve not made good decisions about men, I don’t trust myself about it.

I’ve always said I won’t marry again. Mr B desperately wants me to marry him, he regards marriage as the ultimate expression of love. Do people really think that??

He’s not putting pressure on me, he’s prepared to wait. He knows I may never be ready. Given that, should we part so he’s free to find someone who will be happy to marry him?

@Badbaddog

Thanks *@PurpleStripyScarf* it’s a variety of things. Mostly, I hated being a wife the first time around, I didn’t like being part of an official ‘couple’ (feeling judged for having chosen such an idiot (XH). I don’t want someone around all the time -XH worked away during the week for the second 15 years of our relationship so I have little recent experience of cohabiting with a partner. It feels huge.

Historically I’ve not made good decisions about men, I don’t trust myself about it.

I’ve always said I won’t marry again. Mr B desperately wants me to marry him, he regards marriage as the ultimate expression of love. Do people really think that??

He’s not putting pressure on me, he’s prepared to wait. He knows I may never be ready. Given that, should we part so he’s free to find someone who will be happy to marry him?

Why would you do that? You're both happy, good for each other and want to be together.

Don't worry about the future, we've no control over it.

The present moment is the best one we'll ever have.

Enjoy yourselves and be less critical. Don't overthink! ♥️♥️♥️

Noooo don’t part @Badbaddog. He sounds really lovely. Except for the banging on about marriage 😆 it’s quite sweet though. Why does he wish to marry??

@ButterflyOfShay

Noooo don’t part *@Badbaddog*. He sounds really lovely. Except for the banging on about marriage 😆 it’s quite sweet though. Why does he wish to marry??

Exactly. Tell him he can only propose once a year, when it's a leap year and Valentine's Day falls on a Monday.

I'm so rubbish at keeping on top of these threads!! I'm sorry.

I'll still do a mini update while I'm catching up and trying to be a useful contributor. MrT just keeps surprising me in all the good ways.

I met his DD on Sat. She is genuinely hilarious 😂 Was much more focused on embarrassing him than interrogating me. She's so, so similar to my own DD in the same year group (same school but different campuses). She wanted to take a photo of me and him when he gave me a hug goodbye so I think she's accepted me as a thing 😂 (I ran away 😅)

I cooked a roast on Sunday when he came over after dropping DD off and he ended up staying last night too and bought us all takeout.

However. My hormones are playing up massively (and trauma) and I'm telling myself this is all too good to be true. Don't get me wrong, we've both seen the less good side of each other at this point. He's not perfect by any means. But WE seem to work really good together. He could see I was off I I told him I was caught in a thought loop - I feel for some reason he's going to leave - therefore I'm all up in my head on high alert on reasons he might do - therefore I make it more likely he'll leave. He hugged me and said "He's got me" (eventually, at first he rolled his eyes until he saw I was serious).

And ofc after we had that talk I then snored like a trooper and he got zero sleep and then teased me about it today. I'm actually freaking out about that. He's not, apparently.

I L word him more than last week and infinity more than a month ago. It scares me.

I think eventually I might marry this guy. If he sticks around. I really hope he does.

@Badbaddog This is so interesting to me. I never married my ex (thank god) but we were as good as for 13 years.

MrT did the huge wedding thing and isn't interested in doing "that" again.

I also don't trust my choices when it comes to guys. MrT seems to be glossing over that point and rather than trying to "fix" anything is just being himself and being consistent?

Some kind of lifelong commitment is important to me. If I think I've found my person and I'm happy to work through the shitty stuff with them (and we've proven we can) I'd rather that till end of days than find someone new and try to do it all again.

If we get there, MrT is keen on a super small "handholding" ceremony and I love the idea of that.

I guess what I'm saying is I see where he's coming from. I think LTR are a choice once you know you can work through problems together and ultimately make life a better place for each other. Someone who's always got your back. If you can do that with someone I think it makes sense to formally commit to that.

Thank you so much, especially: ‘ I think LTR are a choice once you know you can work through problems together and ultimately make life a better place for each other. Someone who's always got your back. If you can do that with someone I think it makes sense to formally commit to that.’

Yes. I’ve been letting the sweet shop mentality of OLD stay in my head. Of course there’s so much more to our relationship after three years, it’s not a question of letting him go off to find someone else to slot in. And vice versa.

He did stop asking me to marry him for a while but it keeps slipping out again now. He needs to stop that and we need to seriously consider the alternatives. I think this is it for the long term. Blimey!

‘Has he got my back? Do I have his?’ These are the questions that need a 100% affirmative in a healthy LTR, as I should know - when I fully realised XH didn’t have my back, that’s when I ended it.

Thank you for straightening me out!

Please can I ask for some collective wisdom?

I've been a lurker on the OLD thread since about November when I first ventured back into dating but didn't feel I had much to add/offer so didn't post.

My relationship history is succinct! 23 years with ExH from age 18, divorced 6 years ago, subsequent 2 year relationship with someone who turned out to be a manipulative arsehole. That ended early 2021. I have had therapy and feel that I understand myself pretty well, I have strong(er) boundaries and know what I am looking for in a partner.

Quite quickly into this round of dating I met Mr Print and things have been pretty intense ever since. We are now at the 3 month mark and I am recognising this as a pivotal point mentioned by previous posters (apologies can't remember which posters).

He is very keen to move things along quickly, I have been very hurt in the past and now have boundaries. We have discussed this several times and he understands and tempers his enthusiasm. I am largely going with the flow as, to be honest, I haven't had this much fun (or amazing sex) for a very long time, if ever.

I still find myself doubting things...the old "too good to be true" adage is loud in my head.

One question I'd appreciate thoughts on is how much do you talk about previous relationships each other may have had? I know when and (vaguely) why he got divorced, and he's mentioned a couple of short term relationships since then but I'm torn between wanting to know more about them, and it being none of my business.

I know that at our ages (late 40s) people have history, I get that. But a little insecure part of me that I can't shake keeps saying "what if he does this all the time? Goes in hard then it fizzles out. What if he changes his mind once I have fallen for him??"

Sorry for the long rambling post, hope you get the gist of what I am asking!

I would say don’t rush. See how things pan out as you get to know each other properly, but carry on holding something back until at least a year in.

But then again, I’m a commitment phobe!

@Justanothernametoday I had similar fears...I imagine many of us do...we don't know OL dates from Adam so we have no social proof of who or what they say they are. I'd say the process of trust can't be rushed, you extend a little, see whether its reciprocated, extend a little more. The main one for me was...does this person put their money where their mouth is. Forget fancy words. If he says he will do X. Does he do it? Are they people of their word. You can find that out without massively investigating their past. Does he turn up on time, is he consistent in his affection, does he stay in touch regularly. That kind of thing. I found for me 3 months was where I saw the cracks. Inconsistencies showed up. What they said conflicted with that they did. And thats the decider for me at least. If your words and actions don't match theres no hope for trust and intimacy.

@Justanothernametoday I have the exact same with Mr L about his ex(es). He has never married but has a son and he split from his mother when son was 3- so 15 years ago. Since then I don’t know much and I have had many doubting moments where he might mention an ex- gf in passing and I’m dying to know more but don’t want to interrogate him. I too had the fear that he has loads of short term things and he’s playing me.

But then I consider how he actually is as Supercali says - he is wonderful, consistent, no game playing, lovely to his family, seems crazy about me and wants to see me lots and keep in touch when we don’t see each other. He is planning holidays, gigs etc in the future in a way that it’s a given we will be together.
So I put aside my curiosity and anxiety about exes and look at what is in front of me.
[His dog also loves me and he said dog has never met a girlfriend before and he’s had him 7 years ]

@ Badbaddog thank you, taking my time is the sensible approach and what my head is telling me to do...my heart (and other parts of my anatomy) are having trouble with that message

@Mayeye and Supercali thank you for sharing, you're right about consistency and so far he has not put a foot wrong - in actions as well as words - and sounds very similar to your Mr L. However, I am aware that it is VERY early days.

"So I put aside my curiosity and anxiety about exes and look at what is in front of me." - I will remember this, thank you. I feel more calm and level headed about it now

@Justanothernametoday

@ Badbaddog thank you, taking my time is the sensible approach and what my head is telling me to do...my heart (and other parts of my anatomy) are having trouble with that message

@Mayeye and Supercali thank you for sharing, you're right about consistency and so far he has not put a foot wrong - in actions as well as words - and sounds very similar to your Mr L. However, I am aware that it is VERY early days.

"So I put aside my curiosity and anxiety about exes and look at what is in front of me." - I will remember this, thank you. I feel more calm and level headed about it now

Just another opinion to add to the mix

I think it's a natural curiosity to want to know about past relationships. Sometimes it's the only information we have to judge how someone has developed, created their emotional landscape or hang ups etc etc

Obviously we don't all want to be discussing numbers or favourite positions with ex lovers or anything but it's some of the way we make sense of each other, talking about each other's past and history.

However, living in the present is key for relationships and for any of us to just enjoy the moment and appreciate what we have.

💖💖💖

@Justanothernametoday I've had the same reservations with my partner but like other posters, you can only go by how he treats you now. You'll drive yourself mad thinking about the past.

3 months has certainly been a critical point for me as its showing both our true colours. Both me and Mr Music have been unwell, him moreso plus loads of other stresses. If I do see him next week, it will be 3 weeks since our last meet. On the one hand I know things are shit for him but a small part is wondering whether this is the 3 month thing and this is how things are going to be from now on. I definitely miss the adoration so hoping that comes back soon.

@Eesha 3 weeks is tough, I know I'd find it hard. Sometimes it's nice to have time to yourself - so I hope you're able to enjoy it and do something just for you 💖

@BelladiMamma thank you. It is useful to know certain things about someone's past, I agree and he has been happy to answer the few questions I have asked about his marriage ending.

I am definitely enjoying the moment and trying to reign my overthinking brain in!

@Eesha you're right, and it's good to have the "3 month mark" mentioned as it is helping me recognise that we are maybe moving into the next, more settled, phase of our relationship.

Hope you get to see Mr M soon, you can't beat a bit of adoration