OLD grads thread 1

[BelladiMamma]

Thought I'd kick this off

Yeah yeah I know I said I wanted less screen time ...

Feel free to get chatting and sharing our tales of life on and off the apps

@BelladiMamma there is a kind of safety in sharing with strangers....like going for a night out and sharing life stories with strangers in the ladies loo.

I like the wisdom of all who have been through the same, no one in my friendship group has been in an emotionally abusive relationship so although they're a great support and always have my back they don't truly understand what I've been through and how it impacts me still.

@BelladiMamma I'm glad you and Mr D are working things through and you're out 9f your sex bubble. That bloody oxytocin has a lot to answer for.
Lying is a huge no for me...thanks to my ex husband who lied (and lied by omission) all the time I can't abide liars and there would be no second chances
Honestly I'm surprised Mr K and I have made it this far with all my deal breakers, boundaries etc😂

@SortingItOut @supercali77 yes, this place is like the hairdressers / ladies loo / beauticians etc etc ... almost anonymous offloading in a safe space

I just had an interesting experience with my Mum today that explains a lot about why I stayed in my relationship for so long. To long winded to explain but displayed some incredible truth distortions she was trapped in, with her H. Means that I can't even work out anymore if she's happy or ok, it's so multi layered.

Basically, I blame Catholicism! Luckily MrD is also a lapsed Catholic so I can spot all the signs a mile off

Yup, another lapsed Catholic here! It’s why I can never be a wife again. It’s too ingrained in me that wife = inferior/martyr/sufferer. As soon as that ring was on my finger my perspective changed, and I bent myself out of shape for the next 25 years. Never again

@supercali77 that is so very wise. Also another abuse survivor. Emotional, physical, sexual, financial... despite this I went straight in to another relationship (with a verified person through work etc) with naive optimism, trust and hope only to be cheated on and heartbroken. Now I don't think I will ever fully trust someone and I feel like I'm always playing detective and second guessing my decisions.

Being on this and the dating thread and I am always struck by how many people on the threads are genuinely amazing. Very attractive, intelligent, interesting and independent women. And yet so many of us have been abused and/or taken advantage of.

Well, on the abuse topic ... I had a very interesting interaction with my Mum and SD this weekend. It kinda told me all I need to know (they're also both Catholic).

SD tells DM she can't do something. I'm surprised, she then asks me to help her do the thing. I agree (in secret). DM then makes up spurious reason to tell me off for not being respectful enough to SD.

I'm beginning to see a very clear pattern of secrets - lies - double think around mother daughter wife step daughter role - brainwash everyone and start again.

Bloody hell. It's a bit late to start a rebellion against a 78 year old mother but ... maybe I need to push back here with the rescuer role, given that DM will happily drop me in it with SD when it suits her.

Do you mean you should step away from being the rescuer of your mum? Of course you should. She’s a grown woman and can make her own decisions. It sounds like they are in some weird relationship dance rather than an abusive, coercive one relationship?

Ladies some of your musings are like reading inside my own head! Very interesting discussions about future living together etc. I truly don’t know how Mr L and I would navigate that in the future. I too am scarred from a less than ideal married relationship, not abusive as such, but draining and difficult. I have a such a fear of ending up there again.
I would like to see Mr L more but I do not want to live together while my kids are here so we are talking 8 years or more of a more distant relationship if we go the distance.
Who knows 🤷‍♀️

@Badbaddog

Do you mean you should step away from being the rescuer of your mum? Of course you should. She’s a grown woman and can make her own decisions. It sounds like they are in some weird relationship dance rather than an abusive, coercive one relationship?

It's a constant dance with them, which I think has slipped into abuse. Both my cousin and I have had to tell SD to stop verbally abusing my mother. It's not abusive all the time, but it's horrible to know that it's there

Hi @MayEye

It's damn tricky isn't it?!

Sometimes in my life I've hesitated loads over decisions and then when I've made them I've wondered what all the fuss is about. I suppose the love and marriage and all it's various permutations aren't just about us anymore, there's the DC, the exes etc etc

So it's not like you go off and make your own mistakes and no one else is affected ...

Ah @BelladiMamma I’m sorry to hear your DM is experiencing verbal abuse, that’s horrible. But her seeking your support then throwing you under a bus is also horrible. Hard as it is, you have your own responsibilities and your own life, so you can’t really get sucked in more than checking in with her regularly and letting her know you are a safe haven should she need it?

My news: Mr B is back! He manages to combine being really sweet with being really good in bed. I do feel lucky to have him in my life 😊

I should probably talk to her @Badbaddog

She's a very reasonable woman, but wrong foots me in her relationship with SD too often. I don't enjoy feeling like she's asking me to be the rescuer than setting me up to fail. Very frustrating

Hope you're all enjoying this lovely weather. I'm seeing MrD this weekend then I'm away for a week. Quite looking forward to the break from my usual responsibilities

oh help. MrD has invited me to a neighbours BBQ; all the kids and the local couples will be there. They're all quite close and the kids are in and out of each other's houses all the time.

I had thought we were going to have a quiet night in before I go away for a while. I'm not really up for it, and am hoping for a compromise where we can just show our faces for a drink. But his DC will be there and then going to their Mum's for the night (he'll take them). It's all feeling super awkward. I'm happy just popping in before he and I go out and saying hi but I'm not ready for full on local socialising with (albeit very small) potential to run into his ex.

I just want us to live in our own bubble and have nothing to do with any DC. I know that he finds this hurtful at times.

Aaaargh. Relationships. Who'd have 'em 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

@BelladiMamma, do you get the sense that this is how Mr D is as a person? Or do you think he wants to accelerate things with you because of how he feels about you ? It seems from what you share that you have been trying to maintain some boundaries but Mr D pushes them pretty frequently. Does he seem concerned about the impact on his life if things don’t progress with you?

Or more specifically any further disruption for his DC ? You have said that there are already some rather chaotic elements to their life. Maybe he wants to fast track this into serious territory because he sees the potential with you and your presence in his life and the life of DC might actually provide stability.

@Stepcount hmm 🤔 I think you may have uncovered something here. Despite my best efforts he has mentioned 'mother figure' and role model again. I hadn't thought it was about his DC, more about his friends and MrD's infinite capacity for people pleasing. Maybe it's as much about the DC

@BelladiMamma You've made it clear to Mr D that you don't want to take on his children but this BBQ invite appears to be a stealth move to meet his children which is very unfair on you.

Stand firm and exert your boundaries

@SortingItOut I have already met them briefly, I just don't want to encroach on their boundaries. MrD seems to have got carried away with the whole 'yeah great let's meet Bella if she's over Friday and the DC can hang out too, job done'. It suits everyone else, they have smaller DC and it will suit his DC to be there before they go to see their DM as she doesn't provide any socialising or entertainment for them.

I am going to upset him if I say no... 🤦🏻‍♀️ one to sleep on

@BelladiMamma If you upset him does that matter?
Are his feelings more important than your boundaries?

I'd be wary of his children getting attached too quickly to you if you start doing things with them, they don't appear to have a positive female role model plus given the issues with their mum they may have attachment issues.

@belladimamma if you've been really clear about not wanting involvement with DC and this bbq is in part about the DC being there then ....while its fine for him to invite you (maybe he considers this a low pressure way for you to mingle with his friends and the kids)...its also fine for you to say no. Thats the deal with boundaries. Someone can make you an offer but they need to be ok if you say no.

I'd suspect that while you've said no to being part of the kids lives....hes maybe labouring under a delusion that either you dont mean it, or you'll change your mind, or...something.

This is all very sensible and wise advice.

I decided to take the 'abundant' approach. Told him I was happy to agree to come along, as it was clearly very important to him, but that I'd like to understand why it was so significant to him, as I'd told him I didn't want to go. Cue long pondering and a couple of conversations amongst no stress or ultimatums. And a conclusion that we'd leave it open ...

In any case I've got a temperature tonight so it may all come to nothing ...

Talking of which when does Covid actually end. So fed up of it now. 4 weeks after testing positive and still getting these little fevers that come and go.

@BelladiMamma I'm glad you were able to have a conversation wirh Mr D and things are left open.

Hope you're feeling better this morning.
The Covid fever can go on for some time as you're still recovering.

Checking in but also people's posts about worrying about being taken for a mug. My ex was an alcoholic and abusive and it took such an effort to get him to leave my home that I'd never do that again. Interestingly my best friend made the point that if I only picked men who I wouldn't want to merge families with, then perhaps there's something about them that would generally always be unavailable hence my recent dating experiences. I guess I'm wondering if this LAT is a bit of a pipe dream....

@Eesha Interesting thought from your friend, I think there are quite a few men out there who don't want to blend families and would love LAT and the commitment that comes with that but can't find anyone.

Also I think there are a lot of people ( men and women) who don't even know about LAT or even have considered something different to the living together relationship.

The more we talk about it the more we can get the word out.

I know Mr K was so disillusioned with relationships and wanted to protect his son from any new relationship that he just went for casual sex as he hadn't thought of other options.
I don't think he thought he'd find someone like me on a casual sex site who actually thought along the same lines.
I think our relationship came about because we were both so adamant about not living with a partner, not wanting to spend all our time together, not blending families etc that it was easy to turn our thing into a full on relationship.

Maybe finding someone who has their children 50/50 or 75/25 would suit you because I think some men who have this are less likely to want living together and blended families.
Unfortunately with this comes the difficulty of schedules aligning.

Just because you're looking for LAT doesn't mean you're going to always get unavailable men.
Are you on the Apartners Facebook page?
Loads of couples on there doing LAT and the positive stories will really help you keep the faith.

Sorry meant to add that I think its just unfortunate that the last 2 men have been hugely unavailable as well as showing traits of being neurodivergent and jumping ship was their default position.