OLD grads thread 1

[BelladiMamma]

Thought I'd kick this off

Yeah yeah I know I said I wanted less screen time ...

Feel free to get chatting and sharing our tales of life on and off the apps

I think I’m a bit older than you, maybe that makes a difference, but ‘nesting’ to me just sounds a bit 🤢. I did all the work providing a stable nest for my little fucklings during my marriage, and I continue maintaining this party-driven safe space for them now they’re grown. No-one else is going to get a say in how I do that!

@Badbaddog

I think I’m a bit older than you, maybe that makes a difference, but ‘nesting’ to me just sounds a bit 🤢. I did all the work providing a stable nest for my little fucklings during my marriage, and I continue maintaining this party-driven safe space for them now they’re grown. No-one else is going to get a say in how I do that!

🤣🤣🤣

Brilliant description of teen life and offspring.

We are a pretty quiet bunch and actually it's that bookish atmosphere being disrupted that I get most upset about!!

I swither between wanting to remain living alone and wanting the pleasure of living with him. The thing is I know pleasure living together can only happen if its set up right and I know that part involves space (in a home together) and doesn't involve relatively young step children and exs with opinions about parenting. I've been a step parent before and it's hard work. I had a shit and abusive situation with dds dad but thats not put me off living together. Different me, different partner. I just know day to day reality places pressure on relationships with child rearing....and im not sure im ready for it soon.

Its a shame because I think he and I would be brilliant at living together if it were just us. We have a lot in common, love talking, and similar need for alternating closeness and space. Once the kids are older. I defo ...when they've moved out....want to eff off to the country with him and potter about with our various projects (we are both creative workers)

In summary. Dating in your 40s seems to have a lot more....limitations and therefore options for alternative ways to be with someone. Its quite fascinating.

@supercali77 this sounds very familiar to me. I love the idea of just indulging our current feelings for each other and leaning in to shared interests and activities ...

We're both self employed, have a lot of flex in our lives and the same interests. This is all good, but ...

The DC involved are aged 11-19, mine are the eldest.

He's voiced his desire for me to be an important person in his DC's lives and I'm talking him down from that. They have a mother. Even if she's an addict, she's their mother. Not me

I will be an empty nester in less than 3 years. He's got another 7 years on the clock ...

@supercali77 how old are the DC in your situation?

@belladimamma ours are closer in age at 8-11 so we both have plenty of active parenting left to do....its more the step parenting scenario im wary of. If you dont live together...who cares really? I can feel how I like about his parenting/childs behaviour and vice versa. It doesn't really affect either of us.... but living with it can be 😬 no matter how well you get on with their kids the fact is you have to kind of sit back and bite your tongue on matters of parenting them....even if you strongly disagree with an approach. I guess while my ex hasn't put me off living with someone or sharing finances....the experience has put me off step parenting

I can absolutely see why you'd be loathe to mix if you're mostly free of parenting responsibilities

@supercali77 totally get that. I also don't want to mess up my relationship with my two, especially my DD who's faced some significant MH challenges and we are in a good place again

As his ex is out of the picture parenting wise, he's really love someone to fill that gap. That's a biggie and I'm pleased that he's been able to express that because that's given me the opportunity to express my boundaries around it ... and how I think he's kidding himself that it's easier to get a new adult involved in your relationship with your kiddos

@belladimama...is she totally out of the picture then? No contact at all?

Well the question is 'easier for who?', I'd imagine many solo parents would feel they'd fare better with an extra pair of hands but of course its really not something anyone else should take on lightly

@supercali77 she's still around but she's an addict so she has no contact with the school, never cooks for them, no family arrangements or play dates etc. She's like an unreliable babysitter who pitches up occasionally and needs Ubers arranged and pizzas delivered if she's babysitting. But they still have an emotional relationship with her.

However, I can see how this might change if I suddenly pitched up as 'step mum'.

And yes, his life would be much easier if I was prepared to be around a bit

This is interesting. As a sole parent I have really longed at times to have someone else involved. Mine are now adults-ish. What I've found is Me B supports me, rather than parenting them. Abs that works. His is younger but I play fun auntie. Never attempt to be a step mum. We get in fine but I leave the parenting to Mr B.

Our current issues are money - some old debts of Mr B's have become an immediate issue just when I was expecting him to contribute to the household and a dying parent (his). Things aren't perfect or always easy but on balance he enhances my life.

@Badbaddog I love the canoe analogy, I'll change it to kayak for my situation as the K in Mr K stands for kayak.
I think each paddling their own kayak sounds perfect but I still have concerns that if you lived together and one lost their job or got sick and there was limited money coming in from one party the other person would need to step up to ensure bills are paid and that's what I don't want to do.

@supercali77 @BelladiMamma I've never been a stepparent but don't want to be.
Mr K and I are 3 years apart in age but we are poles apart in children's ages, his son is 10, my children are 19 & 25 so my parenting has ended and I'm not interested in starting again unless its with grandchildren.
Luckily Mr K does not want a stepmum for his son and I have very limited contact with him, I've met him about 3 times in the 2.5yrs I've been with Mr K and even then it was as a friend.

@Notcoolmum This would be ny worst nightmare, having someone move in who doesn't contribute.
I think you said before that Mr B had kind of moved in before you realised he had lots of belongings at your house which is fine if it works for you but I wonder how the discussion about him contributing went as presumably before he moved in to yours he ran a home of his own so does have money for accomodation.

@SortingItOut I definitely have a fantasy / daydream of being the person everyone in my immediate family comes to if they need anything. Maybe it's not such a fantasy as I do have a lot of relationships like that but then I have a great network of Friends and family that would do the same for me. That also extends to wanting be a good thing for MrD's DC but it does stop short of being a parent. It's just plain wrong because they can't wish their DM away, however challenging she must be for them to have as a mother. Plus it's way too soon for this to move beyond thoughts and into reality, it's a very far away prospect. Although I mentioned 'years away' to MrD and he joked that he'd die of pining for me before then

As for the nesting idea that @Badbaddog doesn't like 😎. I've loved being a homemaker and in some ways I think, why should I lose that if I'm empty nesting? But equally I want to enjoy the freedoms of the imminent empty nest. I'm going away next week and DS will be in charge whilst I'm away, with the truly wonderful dog sitter coming in twice a day to see that all is well. So I'm clearly ready for some freedoms even if I want everything to be all lovely for everyone else, even in my absence

@Notcoolmum this isn't a scenario I'd be comfortable with. The sad truth is that if a partner can't contribute tothe cash pot, I would find them a lot less attractive. It's not nice to see that written down or realise it about yourself but there you are. It's reality. Much in the same way I'd not cope with being financially dependent on anyone else I suppose?

@SortingItOut he is going to contribute. It's just going to take a little more working out. I'm very conscious of not being taken for a mug but also see us as a partnership and sometimes one of us will have to pick up extra slack.

@Notcoolmum I totally get this too. I would have loved someone to have picked up the slack when I haven't been well recently 😞

It's just does it work in both directions. And sometimes I question whether or not I could pick up the slack for MrD with his kids, as he'd clearly love me to do that

@Notcoolmum yeah that would be an ideal scenario re being like fun aunt/uncle with them rather than step parent. Im not sure it could work like that because the kids are with us in the week as well as the weekend so it just feels like it could easy get bogged down.....I dunno it might all be fine but its the thing that makes me go hmmmmm

@SortingItOut re kayak, and one person getting ill so the other having having to step up....would something like illness or unemployment insurance cover a scenario like that? And would you not feel the duty to help/support the other person even though not living together anyway? Maybe its more about having choice over obligation. I agree though, I would absolutely not be up for young children again if mine was an adult 😂 That just seems insane to sign up for if you dont have to

Tbh. My kinda dream scenario is me and mr s keep our respective houses for now, we raise our kids there. And we buy something somewhere else. The kids don't go there. Its less time for us both to travel to (we are currently 40 mins drive apart). Its a bit more secluded. Its our space entirely. Hah! Pipe dreams

Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend 😊. It’s more the nesting with a partner I go 🤢 at. My DC are late 20s but I have kept this place very much as their nest/ home to come back to and hold parties in if they need. That is very very important to me, and one of the many reasons I dumped XH - he saw parenting as ending at 18, I see it as lifelong. To get over the empty nest thing - DC live away - I’ve had lodgers since 2017, all young women the same age as my DC who want a home not a house share. It’s been marvellous. Plus I have dog sitters/plant waterers on tap when I head off in my canoe!

@Notcoolmum I'm glad you've got things sorted, I was worried about you being taken for a mug.

@supercali77 I know it would be normal in a relationship to support your partner during sickness and unemployment but its not what I want to do.
In my marriage I had no choice as we lived together, one of my ex's other tricks (aside from being a spendaholic with debt and no money to contribute to bills) was to just quit his job on a whim. If he got annoyed at work or pissed off with anyone he'd just quit his job with no thought🙄 and guess who picked up the shortfall?
He also had depression which he'd had since a teenager, plus various other ailments and I feel like all my sympathy ran out during my marriage so I don't have any left. This sounds terribly harsh but honestly I'm so done with men who are poorly even though I know most illnesses are not self inflicted.
I blame my ex 100% for me not being able to have a proper relationship ever again, I worry that they will take advantage and take me for a mug.
I do have counselling and have talked about this loads but I still have the same view point on full on, living together relationships hence my preference for a LAT relationship.

Your XH and mine found so similar @SortingItOut and I feel exactly the same as you on not supporting a partner. If Mr B moved in it would be so awkward getting rid of him if he fell on hard times. That sounds awful but it is how it is. The flip side of course being not expecting/accepting support from him if the same thing happened to me.

I’m alone in my canoe.

@SortingItOut genuinely very understandable. My ex also financially drained me (starting up a business. Wannabe entrepreneur. Its why id NEVER go out with one of those types again). I think the only reason I'm not put off it with Mr S is that he's far more fiscally responsible than I am. Im good at making money but its not secure. Hes the embodiment of stable security. I doubt you can assess how likely someone is to get ill so its not really the same thing.

Trusting is very hard though

Bevause of the way my ex was... my struggle is the feeling that deep down someone is never who they say they are. They are always running a con of some kind. It has been tricky in parts because the very nature of OLD is that you are cold meeting someone. You dont know their family and friends. You have no social proof. Me and mr s are mostly over that....but I tell you it still lingers in me

@Badbaddog I'm glad you understand my thinking (although not glad you went through the experience) and dont just think I'm heartless.

I'm also alone in my kayak but too be fair that is easier than being in a 2 man kayak with only one person paddling.....

Luckily Mr K is very independent and appears happy in his kayak (for now).
Although the downside when we go out anywhere is that we debate a lot about who's paying for things even down to getting a takeaway, we have a huge debate.
I just can't let him pay lest he thinks I'm taking advantage of him and I would hate anyone to think that of me. He thinks the same so we often go round in circles🙄😂

@supercali77 my struggle is the feeling that deep down someone is never who they say they are. They are always running a con of some kind
This hits home so much,this is exactly how I feel.
Sometimes I think Mr K is not who he says he is and that our relationship is one big con (and he is leading a double life) and one day the truth will come out and then other times I think the opposite and what a great guy he is.

My biggest fear is being taken for a mug,my ex husband took me for a mug and I was one.
I'll never put myself in that position again.

@SortingItOut oh god it is exhausting isn't it? I think its the unfortunate product of being gaslit and used for years. By people who are supposed to love you but who in real terms just extracted resource out of you. I think it fundamentally disturbs ones faith in humanity.

Lots of familiar feelings here about being taken for a mug. Luckily in the end my exh did make all the money he promised he would so my settlement, whilst a miniature proportion of his annual income, is relatively generous.

I have had terrible trust issues with MrD, compounded by the fact that he bare faced lied about something to me for 2 weeks. It wasn't good. However that bucket of cold water has been very useful as it means that I've been catapulted out of my sex bubble and into a serious, all questions asked, situation. He knows that I'm going to want continued honesty and proof of honesty otherwise I'm outta there. I know he makes decent money as I've overheard the conversations and seen the emails etc and payments come in. The only proof is in tax returns and he knows I'll want to see personal returns as and when and if (several centuries down the line) we ever get close to being under the same roof, even if it's for a portion of the week.

Otherwise @supercali77 that's exactly what I want. A neutral space that's ours alone and another space for our respective DC's. Bliss

[quote supercali77]@SortingItOut oh god it is exhausting isn't it? I think its the unfortunate product of being gaslit and used for years. By people who are supposed to love you but who in real terms just extracted resource out of you. I think it fundamentally disturbs ones faith in humanity.[/quote]
Exactly this.

So many of us on this thread have been in abusive relationships. Maybe that's why we need the wisdom of strangers?