OLD grads thread 1

[BelladiMamma]

Thought I'd kick this off

Yeah yeah I know I said I wanted less screen time ...

Feel free to get chatting and sharing our tales of life on and off the apps

Maybe a reread of my old favourite Mr Unavailable and the fallback girl. Sounds very like Mr M is emotionally unavailable until he sorts out his trauma. Someone can be lovely but it doesn't mean they are right for you.

I'd be straight back on the apps if Mr B and I finish. I know what I want in my life now. And I've learnt a lot about how I am in a relationship.

The irony is I'm about to reread it. I did feel he was much more available as we did have a huge connection but when things got stressful, he just seemed to become so distant. He did call every day though but emotionally seemed to be struggling with life. It just felt never ending.

Hey @Eesha, how you feeling? So good you have the little ones to keep you from wallowing too much however nothing wrong with allowing yourself time to feel that way ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

Hi @ButterflyOfShay, thanks for checking in. Mr M got in touch today and we had a long text chat about things. The general gist is he couldn't cope with everything and was letting me down. Anyway, it's all done now.

Hi All. Thought I'd come by as I'm in a bit of shock. I downloaded Tinder today, have been swiping when up pops a face I recognise. Its Computer Geek but he is using a different name and age, some of the photos are the same ones from his old profile so it is definitely him and not a twin brother. At least he has his face on this profile. I didn't swipe on him as I was too stunned(and now he is no longer in my stack so I assume he has swiped left on me, the tosser 🤣😡) but it does make me wonder if he was actually lying to me. In fact everything points to him lying to me, as his new profile has his face on and a bio. Now this would explain why I could never find any social media for him if he was lying about his name and why he could never make our dates if he was with someone.

Eurgh this was why I stopped OLD and when I go back to it I get that bullshit.

As you all know I don't plan to live with anyone ever again. I don't want to merge finances or lives.
I thought Mr K was on the same wavelength albeit he thinks we'll live together at 70.
On Saturday morning before he left there was a brief discussion about living together, I can't remember how it started but Mr K said he hopes we'll live together soon
I told him that I'd made my thoughts clear all along and it isn't an option.
I then told him I need a minimum of 5 years notice so we can have the chat about it and see where it takes us.
He said he was thinking that in 4 or 5 years we'd live together. I made a joke about needing a very large house to accomodate everyone etc and that I wouldnt trust a man financially ever again even if they agreed to pay their way due to my history. I then changed the subject.

This isn't what I want, I've thought about it all weekend and the thought fills me with dread.
I want to live alone but have a relationship with him...I want LAT (Living Apart Together).
I'm planning on having the house to myself once my kids fly the nest, I don't then want a man to fill the space.

I foresee difficult conversations ahead....

The irony of the situation has not escaped me, we barely manage to meet once a week and now he's saying he wants to live together in the future😂

Hello all!

I was on the OLD threads a while back but have since name changed (no reason why, just liked the name!) so apologies if you don't remember me!

I was having an on again/off again thing with a certain Mr Tall who kept flip flopping and changing his mind about me. A few weeks after I finally decided to call it quits and cut contact I met Mr M....

Who is literally the most wonderful human I have ever met. I really am so lucky 🥰 Been together 9 months now and moved in together at the end of last year. All is going swimmingly 😁

The ONLY issue I have is he is really against marriage. We had a brief conversation about it when we first met but didn't really discuss it at length at that stage of the relationship for obvious reasons!

In all honesty I am really disappointed. Despite how much I love him and how amazing he is I do wonder if 'just' being his girlfriend for my whole life is enough, am I'm concerned that eventually the resentment at not 'being good enough to marry' will eat away at me and make me really unhappy. He is not a commitment phobe by any means, so, if I'm totally honest, I just really don't understand why he is so adamant he doesn't want to do it. It's always been something I saw for myself (eventually) and I can't imagine being with someone my whole life and never taking that step. We aren't going to have kids so (to me) it's even more important.

Part of me thinks I'm being absolutely insane for even making an issue out of it when everything else is so perfect!

@squashedalmondcroissant Has he said why he is against marriage?

He doesn't need to marry you becsuse you already live together and he gets all the benefits of a wife without marrying you.

If it's that important move out and tell him you'll live together when you're married😂

I'm divorced and never marrying again but if marriage is important then you need to make clear how important it is to you.

@squashedalmondcroissant my fella (can't rem what I called him 😂 mr S will do) is also quite against the concept of marriage. Didn't marry his very long term (20 + year) partner before me. I have never wanted marriage before but now I do. I dont even understand why because I've never particularly valued it before....I think I'm just 40+ and had enough of being partner/gf. I want to marry. Anyway......I understand. I do think moving in takes away some need for him to propose....as sortingit says....he pretty much has a wife in all but name now.

Not sure what you do though, moving out again seems quite radical. Do either of you already have kids?

Mr S despite being against marriage in a lot of ways has jokingly mentioned it a few times over our 2 years, like...if we married then..... etc. But that has been quite far in so....I think if you make it known that you want to marry he may come round to the idea?

I think it's a combination of factors really, he hates the expense and spectacle that comes with the 'process' of getting married. He's a very shy and frugal sort of person so this is in character for him (although my argument to this would simply be just go to the registry office and pay the £40 odd minimum fee with minimum witnesses!).

He also dislikes the idea of being financially linked to someone. Ultimately though I think it boils down to the fact that he just sees it as an unimportant and unnecessary piece of paper and not something he wants to do. Unfortunately I see it very differently but there we are.

I really don't want to be in a long term relationship with someone I don't live with. I want to live with him and I want to be with him in general. To be honest, everything else about him and our relationship is so good that I don't think I could find it in myself to give him up. It might eventually start to bother me but then again it might not.

I don't ever want to coerce him into doing something he doesn't want to do so if he doesn't want it then I won't give him an ultimatum. I'll just have to accept that it won't happen for us 😞

All that said, it hasn't even been a year yet! Maybe I'm jumping too far ahead of myself and he'll reveal a glaring flaw that makes me not want to be with him anyway 😂 Time will tell, although he did rescue me from a giant spider yesterday and he brings me coffee in bed every morning so my gut tells me he's a keeper 😁

@squashedalmondcroissant sounds like a mix of financial worry and not being particularly arsed about the ritual and meaning. Ultimatums are a hiding to nowhere anyway.....im assuming from what you've said the 2 of you dont have kids and no plans to? if you were wanting children .....i'd say getting married is a wise idea. Not for everyone of course. But a woman raising children and possibly taking a hit to her career as a result is always in a better position married should anything happen.

@Itisreallyme

Hi All. Thought I'd come by as I'm in a bit of shock. I downloaded Tinder today, have been swiping when up pops a face I recognise. Its Computer Geek but he is using a different name and age, some of the photos are the same ones from his old profile so it is definitely him and not a twin brother. At least he has his face on this profile. I didn't swipe on him as I was too stunned(and now he is no longer in my stack so I assume he has swiped left on me, the tosser 🤣😡) but it does make me wonder if he was actually lying to me. In fact everything points to him lying to me, as his new profile has his face on and a bio. Now this would explain why I could never find any social media for him if he was lying about his name and why he could never make our dates if he was with someone.

Eurgh this was why I stopped OLD and when I go back to it I get that bullshit.

Hi 👋🏻 That would definitely have been a shock for you. That's so grim and it just knocks the wind out of your sails. However, you know what to do. Block, Delete ... move on! It's a good thing that you've decided to go back on the apps and have another go at meeting someone. I hope that you managed to get some closure with MrCricket too. Hi 👋🏻 everyone else. I'm in rural France 🇫🇷 with crap wifi!

@SortingItOut

As you all know I don't plan to live with anyone ever again. I don't want to merge finances or lives. I thought Mr K was on the same wavelength albeit he thinks we'll live together at 70. On Saturday morning before he left there was a brief discussion about living together, I can't remember how it started but Mr K said he hopes we'll live together soon I told him that I'd made my thoughts clear all along and it isn't an option. I then told him I need a minimum of 5 years notice so we can have the chat about it and see where it takes us. He said he was thinking that in 4 or 5 years we'd live together. I made a joke about needing a very large house to accomodate everyone etc and that I wouldnt trust a man financially ever again even if they agreed to pay their way due to my history. I then changed the subject.

This isn't what I want, I've thought about it all weekend and the thought fills me with dread.
I want to live alone but have a relationship with him...I want LAT (Living Apart Together).
I'm planning on having the house to myself once my kids fly the nest, I don't then want a man to fill the space.

I foresee difficult conversations ahead....

The irony of the situation has not escaped me, we barely manage to meet once a week and now he's saying he wants to live together in the future😂

This is an interesting one. Have you ever thought about 'meeting in the middle' eg both keeping your houses but renting somewhere big enough? You seem very settled with MrK and I am sure you can manage the conversation in a way that suits you both. Equally you may find that things change in the next couple of years? Are you at all open to it? It's very hard to be with someone long term if if you see your futures very differently.

I'm feeling very philosophical about long term things and marriage again, as have spent 3 days with my Dad who's been single for 20 years. I don't think it's been good for his MH or for mine (!) as I feel so responsible for him.

Update from me. MrT and I are doing... great?

Had my first therapy through Betterhelp last weekend and it gave me an entirely new perspective on things. I do well in therapy generally but being able to text him an overview of my background and points to work on pre session meant we actuallly did work that session, plus he texted me mid week to check in and I had another 🤯 moment - next session tomorrow morning and I'm looking forward to it!

I feel like it's given me a missing puzzle piece (essentially listening to my inner child which I've read about before but he framed it in a way I could accept).

It's changed the dynamics between MrT and I but in a really good way so far. I can confidently say he's brilliant for me, and I'm so grateful for him. I also know that I get to keep that side of things if we split. However I hope we don't because he's so bloomin' awesome in so many other ways other than how he's taught me how to be treated decently and with respect.

I feel like I've massively lucked out. He's a massive douche at times (I've settled on "this is my douchebag" rather than "boyfriend" when I talk about him to friends) but we've both been through tough times and know how the other reacts and it seems to still be working. I'd be shook (and I might lean on you all!) if this ends any time soon because it would come from left field, and could happen, but I'd also be happy for this one to end up as my forever guy.

Time will tell, but very smitten and grateful right now ☺️

@InABetterPlaceNow

Update from me. MrT and I are doing... great?

Had my first therapy through Betterhelp last weekend and it gave me an entirely new perspective on things. I do well in therapy generally but being able to text him an overview of my background and points to work on pre session meant we actuallly did work that session, plus he texted me mid week to check in and I had another 🤯 moment - next session tomorrow morning and I'm looking forward to it!

I feel like it's given me a missing puzzle piece (essentially listening to my inner child which I've read about before but he framed it in a way I could accept).

It's changed the dynamics between MrT and I but in a really good way so far. I can confidently say he's brilliant for me, and I'm so grateful for him. I also know that I get to keep that side of things if we split. However I hope we don't because he's so bloomin' awesome in so many other ways other than how he's taught me how to be treated decently and with respect.

I feel like I've massively lucked out. He's a massive douche at times (I've settled on "this is my douchebag" rather than "boyfriend" when I talk about him to friends) but we've both been through tough times and know how the other reacts and it seems to still be working. I'd be shook (and I might lean on you all!) if this ends any time soon because it would come from left field, and could happen, but I'd also be happy for this one to end up as my forever guy.

Time will tell, but very smitten and grateful right now ☺️

This is amazing and so good to read. Do you feel that the therapy has had a direct impact on that?

I also love the idea that you feel like you've got something with MrT that you can take away just for yourself. That's really empowering.

I've had lots of really good chats with MrD and I feel like he's going in the right direction for me to want to plan beyond day to day with him again.

However, the good thing is that we also won't be seeing much of each other until the end of April, so all the difficult stuff and the conversations and the seeing things in a different way can just settle and get processed by each of us.

It's good to have self imposed and forced breaks sometimes, especially after difficult and almost breaking point stuff has happened. We can both think carefully about how we feel about each other and where it's going

@BelladiMamma

Yup, the therapy has had a direct impact. After one session!! A few disclaimers - I’ve had a lot of therapy in the past, and I’m good at it. I’m super self aware, a blessing and a curse - and is from trauma and being hypervigilant - it’s useful when I can make it work FOR me! Also, this week is my “best” week in my girly monthly cycle. Things may go downhill… 😂

A small part of my session this morning was talking about CBT and why I didn’t think it had worked for me properly. This therapy feels like a missing puzzle piece and my mind is making connections all over the place.

However, the ideas he’s introduced me to are perfect for my actual problem - attachment issues - and I think I’ll do a lot of good work with him.

I’m glad you and MrD have had good chats! The space also sounds really good. It feels like you’ve both had a lot of baggage just dumped on the floor and both need some time to figure out who’s is what, and stash away / deal with your own stuff, and the left over bits that are shared between you can be gone through together if that makes sense at all? It’s just the image I get in my mind!!

Ha @InABetterPlaceNow that's a nice image.

Well, I will still feel that he was massively out of order in one of the issues we had. But with everything else he's really great. I think he lives in a pressure cooker with all his responsibilities and has a very poor coping mechanism for when he wants to check out. I'm still so angry with him but I've expressed that to him, he's done all the right things and we are both committed to moving forward. (Or at least he is, I'm still wounded but I'm going from week to week now rather than day to day.).

That's the issue with the early days isn't it, it's all passion 🔥 and baggage 🧳 ...

@BelladiMamma Right now I can't even consider meeting in the middle, I'm adamant I want to live alone (well with my adult kids) and I don't know what would change my mind.
My marriage has scarred me a lot, my ex husband barely contributed at times to the household finances as he was a spendaholic and ran up loads of debt so a lot of his income went on paying debt rather than household bills. He never did housework and spent his spare time watching TV or building elaborate sheds in the garden.
I don't trust a man not to screw me over again financially and I don't want discussions about housework and who does what.

I've been split from my ex husband 4 years at the end of the month and when we split I realised I had spent over half my life living with a partner, I'd left home at 15 and lived with a partner for 20 years of my 37 years😱
I love living on my own and right now can't see that changing, plus my adult kids are at home and I'd never force them to live with someone they're not related to.

We were on the same page so I'm not sure whats changed for Mr K, and it makes me wonder how long he's changed his mind and not told me.
I'm hoping he brings it up sooner rather than later so we can have a proper discussion.

Mr K is buying his first house soon, he's always rented and never wanted to buy but now does so I'm hoping that having his own place changes his mind.

I can see being alone can be hard on peoples mental health but I think if you've got lots of hobbies and friends and keep active it will help.
I don't want my kids to worry about me when I'm old.

@SortingItOut the first thing I thought when I read that, is that 4 years is nothing ... after half your life. Jeez. Some people. Your ex ... just no words. It's huge. Very easy for us complete random internet strangers to comment or try to help or advise when ... frankly you need a lot of time and rest and recovery. Which I know you're doing.

I guess the issue is, will MrK be very hurt or feel like your goals aren't compatible. Or will you change as time goes by? Maybe if he buys his place a bit nearer you there might be a LAT situation that you're both happy with. Gives you a bit more time together and means that he feels his needs are being met? You can also refuse to do any housework at his 😜 as after all you'll always be a guest

I can't imagine Merging finances either. It brings me out in hives if I'm honest 😫

I also can't imagine not having my own little bolt hole or nest egg or rescue fund. Or bot having a week off being in a relationship every now and then. I think the idea of being totally merged brings me out in hives and total exhaustion...

I’m with you both on this. Just ‘no’ to merging. I’ve finally found out who I am and I like me. Why would I merge into something/someone else?

Mr B has had Covid so I’ve not seen him for nine days. I don’t miss him as such but I’m very much looking forward to seeing him on Monday. I love having him in my bed. But I also love having the bed to myself! I want the best of both worlds - LAT - and I’m bloody well going to have it.

@BelladiMamma I appreciate all comments from everyone. Its hard to fit in every meaningfully example/situation that has shaped you into one post so sometimes you will get comments that don't work for you but that's still great as I like hearing viewpoints.

I'm not sure how hurt he will be and I would hope things would continue as we are but if they don't I'll accept that.
His life is busy now and even as his son gets older I still think it will be busy so I'm hoping he'll realise that merging lives won't work.
I'm hoping he buys near where he currently lives which is 5 miles away and then LAT would definitely work.

I don't want to merge finances or be responsible for anyone, even if we didn't merge finances but lived together what if he had no income and I had to then pay everything because I wouldn't want to lose my house? Then its merging finances by stealth.
I'm also concerned that Mr K has no pension provision, he's been self employed all his life and not considered it.
Since he met me he's got the Lifetime ISA (and pays in the maximum on 6th April every year) and will be buying a house but I'm not sure what he will do in retirement and I am definitely not funding him.

I was thinking about the week off/time apart the other day when driving to work.
Mr K watches TV in the evening (when not busy) and I can imagine he'd want me to sit with him and watch stuff too which fills me with dread. I spend evenings doing all sorts but never watch TV, I get bored easily.
When I split from my ex my TV wasn't even switched on for 18mths and when it was I had no idea how to use it😂
Even now I only know the basics....
I was wondering how Mr K would take me not wanting to spend evenings with him?
And then that led on to thinking about complete weeks away from each other and how he be about that?

Being completely merged is so far from my ideal that I can't even contemplate it.

@Badbaddog I'm 100% going to push for LAT for us, either he accepts it or he doesn't.
I mean maybe once we've done LAT I might think differently, I doubt it but I might.
Something like 2 days/nights together every week sounds great alternating between houses would be perfect. (I know some people do 2 days/nights just in their relationship).

Hope Mr B wasn't too poorly with Covid.

@SortingItOut @Badbaddog on the living together / merging situation. As I was thinking about leaving my marriage I had several months of deep thinking / visualisation of what I wanted now. I imagined being in a relationship with a person who had as much interest in making a home as I did: interiors, garden, entertaining at home etc. Even down to what we would eat, how we would spend our weekends. I thought I was doing a great job of 'manifestation' when someone turned up who ticked all those boxes almost as soon as I split from the ex. Turns out this dream man was indeed a product of my imagination as he was a professional cocklodger who'd spent time modelling and having flings with celebs in his 20's and as his looks faded did a couple of correspondence courses in architecture and horticulture, as well as cooking, so that he presented a veneer of usefulness and respectableNess. Within weeks he'd posted photos of my house and garden on his socials as if they were his own work. MADNESS. Yes, he was nuts but I invited that sort of delusional thinking into my life because I was so sad and disappointed about the life that I never had with my ex ...

Anyway. I guess that's what you might call a cautionary tale 🤪

I still have that deep desire to nest. Sure, a divorce where every penny is counted is not the best way to set you up for nesting again. I actually really enjoy being the centre of a busy home and being the one that people come to for warmth, food, a nice environment. Obviously that's partly cultural because it's exactly what my Mum created and it has been a nice thing to enjoy whilst growing up. Despite her 3 marriages 🤪🤣 ... she's very handy and crafty, which I'm neither, but I love that atmosphere she creates.

BUT she was financially independent then merged in her 3rd marriage. He has more money than her so in theory that's ok but I've seen that she 'thinks' she's got no money whereas she brought more equity in, he just had a higher salary and investments.

Anyway. What am I trying to say? I'm not sure but I love the idea of a joint nest and a solo nest. Basically I need a lot more money and a very understanding partner.

MrD is in a healthy financial position but I'm aware that as it's all in property it could go bust in the blink of an eye if we get a very high interest rate economy.

I want to have a horse again soon and I want to run my own timetable half the week and then join my partner for the other half. I want to travel at the drop of a hat and sometimes to travel solo. I would like the option of other partners. I don't want to feel obliged to stay in a job I don't like to cover mortgage payments. I don't want full on childcare of someone else's children. But I want them to know I'm a reliable person who can be a good thing for them (this is both the partner and the DC). But I don't want to go back to having my day cut short for school pick ups.

Yes I can see I'm not for everyone other than a retired millionaire, but most of them are lazy bastards 🤪 so I probably wouldn't fancy them anyway.

@SortingItOut this pension thing is a time bomb too isn't it. I've got just enough to cover my expenses but not enough to cover 2 of us. I've got no money to gift the kids for housing unless I sell. It's a minefield isn't it

It’s a complete minefield, and my take on it is that I want to paddle my own canoe from here on in. I call Mr B my DP now because emotionally and sexually he is. But he will never be my financial or social partner and he’s not my cultural or sporting partner either. The man is lazy and has zero appreciation of art. So I’m free to do everything I want but just come back to cuddle him three nights a week. Perfect.

Pension-wise we are about equal though mine is all private and invested quite riskily so could go up in a puff of smoke. His is gold-plated. I have way more equity. That’s all fine. We can each paddle our own canoes alongside each other.

But there's part of me that wants all the dependence and the nesting and the whole 'swoon, sweep me off my feet darling' stuff.

Hopeless fight between rational brain and romantic culturally formed brain ... quite apart from the wild woman of multiple relationships with both sexes brain 🤣🤣🤣