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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OLD grads thread 1

617 replies

BelladiMamma · 21/02/2022 10:33

Thought I'd kick this off

Yeah yeah I know I said I wanted less screen time ...

Feel free to get chatting and sharing our tales of life on and off the apps

OP posts:
supercali77 · 30/03/2022 14:22

@eesha really sorry to hear it. As notcool says - you're lovely and deserve better.

Eesha · 30/03/2022 15:10

Thanks everyone for your kind words, I'm just working and wishing the day away so I can go to sleep. I feel pretty sick at the situation but no real choice on lying in bed when you have small children so I'm just wishing away the day.

InABetterPlaceNow · 30/03/2022 21:18

Oh @Eesha I'm so sorry to hear this! Take gentle care of yourself 😞

Badbaddog · 31/03/2022 08:18

Good morning @Eesha, I hope you managed to get some sleep and chase away the sadness for a while. Thinking of you 💐

WeWantTheFinestWines · 31/03/2022 09:26

Oh Eesha I'm so so sorry it went that way. Sending you thoughts of love and hugs of comfort. And flowers 💐

Heartbeats0708 · 31/03/2022 10:03

So sorry @Eesha that's rubbish news, sounds like everything has just got on top of Mr M. Hope you're taking care of yourself Flowers

Original poster
BelladiMamma · 01/04/2022 12:04

I hope people have some nice plans for the weekend. MrD and I have been through a real rough patch this week but both our DC are away from tomorrow so we will have some 1-1 time. I'm taking things one day at a time with him now, a bit like I was in the beginning before I got swept up in things.

I'm still really keen to have an open relationship but because he has many other issues I'm not sure he will cope. And I'm not sure how I feel about the trade off in general; getting into a committed relationship when actually your single life is going ok feels like a retrograde step UNLESS you have a lot to gain.

There's so many things I'd like to discuss with him that go beyond the fire fighting that he's doing in his life and I find it exhausting having to bottle things up or agree to park things and focus on his stuff. To be fair on him he's not been flaky or wavered in his commitment to me. I am just at a different phase in my life where actually things feel pretty stable for me and I am more into future planning / optimising where my life is.

I've chewed other peoples' ears off about some of the specifics in our situation but it is probably a transition that will always be there when you go from single to dating to committed.

OP posts:
supercali77 · 01/04/2022 13:08

@BelladiMamma forgive me the 20 questions here 😂 but im not sure of the backstory with mr D because I've dipped in and out of the thread and not joined in much....but presumably there is a gain to a commitment with him if this is where you're at? Has an open relationship been discussed before? How long have you 2 been seeing each other?

Original poster
BelladiMamma · 01/04/2022 13:15

[quote supercali77]@BelladiMamma forgive me the 20 questions here 😂 but im not sure of the backstory with mr D because I've dipped in and out of the thread and not joined in much....but presumably there is a gain to a commitment with him if this is where you're at? Has an open relationship been discussed before? How long have you 2 been seeing each other?[/quote]
Hi 👋🏻
Yes fire away!

Been together 4 months, committed to monogamy for 6 months (so til May!).

There is lots to gain eg stability, good sex and company, proving to myself I can do a relationship 🤪

We have a lot of similar interests and share the same very absurd sense of humour. We're both potty mouthed lapsed catholics and our upbringing was very similar.

I think I hadn't really taken on board how much more work I'd done on myself vs where he's at. He's a sole parent to 2 younger DC and to be fair, that along with his business to run and a heavily dependent ex (she's an addict and lives in a property nearby that he's bought her), means he's still in the thick of it. Whereas I am gazing at the sunny uplands of the empty nest and my rather lovely comfortable single lifestyle ...

OP posts:
supercali77 · 01/04/2022 13:26

@BelladiMamma ahhh, yeah those are very different life situations. It does count for a lot especially if you want to travel etc. So what happens in May then...you stay together but open it up?

supercali77 · 01/04/2022 13:27

@eesha how are you doing? X

Original poster
BelladiMamma · 01/04/2022 14:16

[quote supercali77]@BelladiMamma ahhh, yeah those are very different life situations. It does count for a lot especially if you want to travel etc. So what happens in May then...you stay together but open it up?[/quote]
Exactly. My cousin has invited me to go away with him on a pretty special trip and if I want to go, I'll have to go alone

I think in May we have a conversation. Things can change, I may not be in a place where I want to chase tail but I need to have the conversation and check in with him

OP posts:
supercali77 · 01/04/2022 15:57

@BelladiMamma yeah it feels so tricky to begin relationships post kids compared to before. The amount of logistical differences in life situations can overwhelm a good romantic match.

Will that be a surprise for mr D in May or does he know broadly speaking that you're inclined to non monogamy?

Original poster
BelladiMamma · 01/04/2022 16:11

[quote supercali77]@BelladiMamma yeah it feels so tricky to begin relationships post kids compared to before. The amount of logistical differences in life situations can overwhelm a good romantic match.

Will that be a surprise for mr D in May or does he know broadly speaking that you're inclined to non monogamy?[/quote]
He's fully aware of where I am. I have an inability to be dishonest in almost anything

OP posts:
Eesha · 01/04/2022 21:18

@supercali77 hey, thanks for asking. I'm getting by, trying to sleep really early with my children about 8ish because I hate just I overthinking and would rather the days are over quickly. Generally sad but my children are tiny and have already asked why mummy has a sad voice! So im trying to be more chirpy and get on with things. Life goes on right? Thanks to all especially @SortingItOut and @BelladiMamma who have been lovely and insightful as always.

Original poster
BelladiMamma · 01/04/2022 21:39

@Eesha I feel sure that you're going to meet someone. You're so loving and kind and patient.

OP posts:
InABetterPlaceNow · 01/04/2022 21:48

@Eesha I know things feel really hard right now and I'm glad you're taking care of yourself.

It doesn't sound like he's been giving you a whole lot to work with for a while now? You started off so lovely but perhaps it was a sign that he wasn't able to invest more right now. You deserve so much more.

Eesha · 01/04/2022 22:11

@InABetterPlaceNow I do genuinely believe the love was there on both sides but I think he couldn't deal with his own stresses plus his ill health meant we couldn't see each other. He told me it wasn't fair on me and that I deserved better. I sortof wish he could have stuck it out with me rather than back to being alone.

supercali77 · 02/04/2022 08:16

@eesha I think he was right though, you do deserve better! Especially if the not seeing each other for long periods would be recurring.....not good enough for anyone really xx im glad you're finding a way through though. I also like to sleep through being sad and overthinking

SortingItOut · 02/04/2022 10:13

@Eesha Thanks for the name check.
Your relationship with Mr Music was so intense so fast and you spent lots of time together (because the childcare gods aligned) but then reality hit and day to day life got in the way so the difference from the start was so large and so very different that it makes you wistful.
Of course Mr Music couldn't help much of what went on but the gulf got wider and wider and clearly he realised that you were unhappy (and likely panicked) and ended things.

Its completely fine to grieve over the relationship😊

Notcoolmum · 02/04/2022 12:39

@Eesha I know I have a tendency to be a bit too blunt so I hope this is ok. I wasn't on the thread when things were going well with Mr Music so I can only see how upset you've been for the past 5 weeks and how he kept you at a distance. My thoughts are that we never end a relationship to benefit the other person. We only end the relationship because it's what we want. I appreciate that distance and having young children and then illnesses can make seeing each other tricky. But if you really want to see someone you find ways to make it happen. It doesn't have to be a full on date but a coffee or something. A quick meet up half way between houses etc.

You have always come across as so lovely. And i whole heartedly believe you deserve so much better. Being lonely when you are in a relationship is a much worse place to be than being lonely alone. You deserve someone who puts you first and can't wait to see you. I'm sure Mr M has now cleared the decks for you to meet someone worthy of you.

Eesha · 02/04/2022 13:26

That's OK @Notcoolmum, I appreciate your thoughts. I guess it's just hard going from something amazing to absolutely nothing. I know I have to be OK with that but its left me reeling. I had a similar experience with my previous partner and it just hurts

Notcoolmum · 02/04/2022 13:32

Not going to lie @Eesha but I was a total mess when my last Bf before Mr B dumped me. We'd only been seeing each other for 4 months and I was distraught. Way beyond what was reasonable for such a short relationship. I had just invested so much and imagined how our future would look it broke me when it ended. Of course the future I imagined was Through rose tinted glasses and conveniently missed out his interdependency with his ex, his death grip and other issues!!

I even went back to him after 4 months and let him dump me all over again! So I really empathise with how you are feeling.

Notcoolmum · 02/04/2022 13:34

I whole heartedly recommend no contact (and blocking them, if I had blocked Mr A he couldn't have come back and fucked me over again). Getting back on the apps. Reminding yourself you deserve someone who adores you. And lots of self care.

Eesha · 02/04/2022 13:42

@Notcoolmum the thing is I know Mr M and I know he's a decent guy. I do think he's had such a traumatic background that I often wondered how things could ever be OK with him. Anyway, doesn't matter really now, its sad but its done now. With the apps, i know its a necessary evil but truthfully I'm scared to go through this again.