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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OLD grads thread 1

617 replies

BelladiMamma · 21/02/2022 10:33

Thought I'd kick this off

Yeah yeah I know I said I wanted less screen time ...

Feel free to get chatting and sharing our tales of life on and off the apps

OP posts:
Badbaddog · 28/03/2022 16:22

How are you feeling about things after seeing Mr M at the weekend @Eesha?

Eesha · 28/03/2022 17:35

Hi @Badbaddog, we had a big chat yesterday about it all after something else came up for him. It was OK as was family stuff but I guess I felt like the timing has been hard for us. I hope we will chat this evening but it's very hard and I've asked whether we should take a break till things are easier for him. I've felt sad all day today but if I can get through a couple of days, I'm sure I'll be fine

Badbaddog · 28/03/2022 17:44

Wow it’s one thing after another for him isn’t it @Eesha? I’m so sorry. Would you feel better if it was you who took the decision to take a break though, rather than leave the ball in his court?

Eesha · 28/03/2022 17:47

@Badbaddog it was more a miscommunication, he said we would have next weekend together but actually we don't now, just Friday night. I can see how it all got confused. I raised the issue a few times about timing but he feels he's doing as much as he can but he says it's still upsetting me so he doesn't know what else he can do. I guess I just feel like we need to get back to how we were and the fact that all this has happened, has made me resentful. I'm trying to get past it.

Badbaddog · 28/03/2022 17:54

Well you’re only human - and so is he. I’m sorry the timing of all this is so soon after you started seeing each other. Resentment is a hard thing to deal with though

Eesha · 28/03/2022 18:41

@Badbaddog thank you, it's been difficult for us both. I do wonder whether it's possible to meet someone with no stress. His has been illness and family and its caused resentment on my side because I waited 5 weeks to see him for a few hours.

Badbaddog · 28/03/2022 18:47

I don’t think it is possible to meet someone with no stress, no. Everyone with a body, a family, a job, assets and liabilities has stresses of some sort or another. How a person deals with everyday stresses is key, because that’s how they will be going forward. Only you can tell if it is reasonable for him to be so overwhelmed by these particular ones, ie they’re not just everyday ones or there are so many it’s exceptional.

Original poster
BelladiMamma · 28/03/2022 19:15

@Eesha @Badbaddog joining the 'in difficulties' camp.

What can I say, it's Fucking hard to be a human sometimes

OP posts:
Stepcount · 28/03/2022 19:24

@Eesha, I wonder whether how Mr M is dealing with things now explains some of the reasons why he was single for such a long time? As baddog says it’s how people deal with life’s challenges that matters. You may not want to specify but did the reason that limited this week’s time together appear to be genuine and unavoidable? I think you said he was seeing a friend on Saturday so he could (?) have seen you at that time instead? Not advocating people don’t see friends etc but when you have had a 5 week hiatus I would be freeing up as much of my available time for whoever I was dating - well certainly in this situation. When you talk about having a break how do you envisage that playing out ? Free to go back on the apps ? Talking and staying in touch but no pressure to see each other in person? I genuinely feel for you because I know you see many good qualities in him and were so hopeful that this had true potential. I guess the test will be if there continue to be hurdles how long either or both of you keep finding the way round or over them. You deserve a break in luck x

Eesha · 28/03/2022 21:19

@Stepcount hi, so he was unwell for 3 weekends, then the following one his child had covid badly then the following one, they had issues so he had to support them. So he's been wellish for 2 weeks but it's been family stuff which then got in the way. I had plans this weekend gone anyway so couldn't have done the weekend so we had Friday for a few hours but he couldn't stay over as had to go see his child who lives far away. Basically I'm saying it's been real, valid reasons. He's dealt with things in different ways, the illness had made him retreat and not see a soul but he still called me every day.

Stepcount · 28/03/2022 22:15

@Eesha, hopefully then this has just been a run of issues beyond his control and things will calm down sufficiently for you to get back to quality time together. It sounds like you are both invested in making it work.

Eesha · 28/03/2022 23:59

@Stepcount he feels very guilty that it's always his doing that impacts us. I've made it clear that as long as we see each other regularly, I'm OK with things. I'm really not sure how it's all going to work but let's see.

InABetterPlaceNow · 29/03/2022 19:51

It's been a while since I've updated. On paper MrT and I are doing better than ever. There's absolutely no doubt I love him, and he's so good for me.

However it also shines a light on my previous trauma and while he's ever patient and very much a rock when I wobble I keep just waiting for the moment he calls things because I'm such an idiot. I just can't get my head around someone wanting to put up with me. It's not even low self esteem, it's an awareness of being so aware of all my flaws or something. It's perfectionism in overdrive and I need to knock it off. Honestly I think it's (hopefully) mostly just affecting me, he just seems to think I'm a bit derpy and cute on how much I worry.

I've done CBT which is helping somewhat to work through things. We've settled into a nice routine of seeing each other every alternate Sunday when he has DD then the other weekend he comes over for overnight/s depending on what's happening for us both (at least one). Then top up video calls through the week.

Time to get some proper therapy I think before I screw this up entirely. Sigh.

Original poster
BelladiMamma · 29/03/2022 19:58

Hey @InABetterPlaceNow I know we have spoken a little already about this, but therapy is super useful. Do be fussy about who you choose, it's your well-being, not anyone else's.

As for the why you should do it, of course you want things to go well with MrT and often being in a relationship is the thing that 'holds up the mirror' to ourselves. And rightly or wrongly, we self judge and self measure by the success of our relationships.

Personally I know that the work I'm doing may or may not help my future with MrD but it will help me!!

OP posts:
InABetterPlaceNow · 29/03/2022 20:01

So true @BelladiMamma. I do need to do it for me and what you say about the mirror is spot on.

I'm sick of my own brain at this point!

InABetterPlaceNow · 29/03/2022 20:12

Me posting in here was also a sign I needed to be open with MrT about something that had been simmering (due to circumstances we've not had any sexy time since weekend before last, he came over on Sunday but it was Mother's Day and we couldn't sneak away and we won't get another chance till next weekend). He instantly responded to me, set me right, and will call tonight to reinforce. Called me a big silly.

I think I'm going to look for EDMR as a first try for private therapy. I've heard it can be useful for CPTSD which is the root of everything? Doesn't help my ex reared his head last week just as PMT hit.

Eesha · 30/03/2022 01:40

Unfortunately Mr M broke up with me tonight. As expected, lots of stress and issues on his side and he felt he was constantly letting me down plus not well again. Lots of tears on both sides. I'm so desperately sad.

SortingItOut · 30/03/2022 06:41

@Eesha Shot, I'm so sorry, I did not see that coming. Take your time to grieve over this💞

ButterflyOfShay · 30/03/2022 07:06

@Eesha petal, so sorry for you darlin, I know it’s really hard maybe in time when things have calmed down for him it could be worth another go? It did really sound like you had a connection I dont think this is the end of the road completely, hope you're ok , big big hugs FlowersFlowersxxxxxxx

Original poster
BelladiMamma · 30/03/2022 07:09

@Eesha this is such a sad update which is not where I thought things were going in recent days. As @ButterflyOfShay says maybe it isn't the end of the road for you guys? But even so, give yourself a proper break and some space.

Do you have anything nice that you can plan for yourself? ♥️♥️♥️

OP posts:
Badbaddog · 30/03/2022 08:06

Oh @Eesha I’m so sorry, I had everything crossed for you both but the universe seemed to be against you. I hope you have friends/family to rally round you. Do you have to work today?

Stepcount · 30/03/2022 10:35

@Eesha, I’m so sorry this has happened. I’m sure it’s been causing you a lot of upset and nobody wants to think of you hurting in that way. 💕

Shunter350 · 30/03/2022 12:04

@Eesha we're all thinking about you. Heartbreak is awful..

Justanothernametoday · 30/03/2022 12:15

@Eesha so sorry to hear this, I hope you can take some time to process it and be gentle with yourself. Do the bare minimum with other responsibilities and look after yourself

Notcoolmum · 30/03/2022 13:59

Sorry to hear this @Eesha You are a lovely person who really does deserve better.

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