OLD grads thread 1

[BelladiMamma]

Thought I'd kick this off

Yeah yeah I know I said I wanted less screen time ...

Feel free to get chatting and sharing our tales of life on and off the apps

Sorry you’re not feeling well @BelladiMamma, apparently the first few days are the worst 💐

Thanks @Badbaddog
It certainly feels pretty bad today! I'm day 4 of feeling sick but didn't test positive until today

ARGH @BelladiMamma, hope you feel better soon!

Bella feel better soon my DD had it last week and was so bad for the first 3 days and then bounced back fairly quickly. So far I seem to have escaped it 🤞🏻(As I practically locked her in her room as soon as test came up positive )

Hope you feel better soon, @BelladiMamma.❤️

I'm not a grad, but you all know me. (I was OnwardsEver... before namechanging. I wanted a fresh start with a new name)

I've got a date on Tuesday. 😀 My first in a couple of years! Feeling really excited but a bit nervous of course ❤️

Thanks everyone. I'm properly feeling like shit and my breathing hasn't been great today but I'm getting extra drugs delivered tonight from the pharmacy. Who made it clear that they wouldn't do this In Normal Circumstances and made me feel like a second class citizen for even asking! Although the GP suggested I ask them. 🙄

Anyway. MrD made me a cup of tea, home cooked soup and wants us to have a proper chat about our future when I'm feeling better.

Am veering between thinking that I've been summoned to the headmaster's office and that I'm very lucky to have met someone who could be a long term relationship, although he's going a little faster than me sometimes...

If money were no object, how would those of you with DC navigate this potential move?

DD and I are already weighing up a move into the city, closer to her school. My ideal scenario would be to live next door to each other whilst the DC were still at home, then move back to my place because it's one of the loveliest houses I've ever lived in.

His DC have a 'sister school' in my city which isn't my DD's school

@BelladiMamma, sorry to read that you are feeling so unwell. Hopefully things will improve very soon.
How long have you known Mr D? Is there something prompting things to move along quite quickly? You are talking about some pretty major decisions. Do you feel that you have had enough time to see each other in a variety of testing situations? I think it depends how much of a gamble it feels or whether you wouldn’t be even considering it unless you had a very strong belief that the relationship will continue to thrive. I don’t know how to imagine these things in the context of money being no object because for most of us the financial cost would be a consideration. So if you are saying that you don’t have to worry in that respect then I guess it’s whether the move is right for you and Dd first and foremost and if things didn’t continue with Mr D you wouldn’t be left feeling that the move etc had been pointless.

I'm 6 years this year with Captain Dusty

Or that you were living next door to a man you no longer liked !

I would drink the tea, appreciate the soup and not think about the rest of it until I was better! My mind gets in a terrible tangle if I have a virus. I hope you feel better soon x

@BelladiMamma I'm with @Stepcount on this. You haven't known him long and he wants to discuss the future, surely you are just getting to know him.
Is this talk going to be a way round 'reining you in' so no non-monogamy?
Does he want you to live close together so he gets childcare help which he has alluded to previously?
Is he getting carried away because you can't see each other for long periods of time due to him basically solo parenting so moving in/living close would help with that.

What does your daughter want? Given her anxiety I think she needs a huge say in what you do until she finishes education.

If money was no object I'd still live on my own and hopefully live close to my partner.
I still can't imagine living with someone other than my kids. I definitely would not be entering stepmum territory.

Thanks all for your views, this is helpful. I certainly am aware of all of those issues and these are things that we have discussed. I agree he's moving fast in terms of conversation, but i was interested to hear what he has to say, so asked him to call me when he got home to discuss. Which he duly did. He said that he wanted to open a discussion about our long term future but doesn't envisage moving closer to me for at least a year. So I think we might be on the same page.

I have no interest in being a full time stepmum (which I've very bluntly told him after the recent ex falling in and out of rehab), or merging finances. I have had full sight of his company P&L and cash flow. It's very lumpy but does well.

However if he's still thinking of my area as a place to relocate to, I think it could be a wasted opportunity not to live close to each other, eg same postcode.

I'm ploughing ahead with my own plans in any case. I've parked everything for the moment as I feel dreadful. (And non monogamy is still under discussion, we are on a 6 month trial period with that. And I'm not rushing to find anyone, I have enough on my plate).

Also, I've dealt with wannabe cocklodgers and desperate Disney dads who see that despite my DD's problems, I've made a pretty good job of things so want to jump on the bandwagon. I don't get this sense with this man. I feel quite hopeful and that I would get a lot out of it getting closer to him.

However feel free to keep dishing the cold water buckets 🪣 as you will all keep me honest 😊

Sorry the ex isn't recent, she recently has been in and out of rehab

This thread keeps dropping off my watchlist!
I can't advise on your situ @BelladiMamma as I think it's such a personal thing. I would say same postcode/town sounds like what I would/kind of am going for- close enough for contact, far away enough if it goes tits up.
Sorry you didn't get to see Mr Music @Eesha 😢 hope his kiddo is better soon.
I remember Mr ginger and the lady who got pregnant, I want to say her NN was something to do with wombats?!

If money was no issue I'd definitely keep things separate. I'd also be wary of encouraging someone I wasn't fully sure of to be on my doorstep. With the poly thing in the air, and the sense it's not Mr D's preferred way of being in a relationship I think there are some hurdles to get through. Let alone blending families. As he has his kids FT I'd be very wary of being too available.

I do love the idea of HBC's set up, although even they didn't make it work forever.

I like having a partner sharing my space on the whole. But there are times I take myself off or encourage him to go out and stay out!

That's the thing, does having more money mean that you can stay separate, so that's a good thing? But then you miss out on 'nesting' together. I miss that sometimes. I miss being there for someone and nurturing them. But I love to go off and do my own thing too, including keeping that option open of meeting other people when I go off to nourish myself on yoga retreats etc.

It's very selfish but also very realistic I think.

I like the idea of nesting with someone but going away and doing my own thing regularly, taking breaks from family life and the responsibilities so that it's never drudgery or entrapment again.

In theory if we each kept our own places as well as the nest, that allows you to walk away. I think? So your DC always have their original family home as it's your fall back and also doesn't get sold so it's their inheritance.

This is a very ideal case financial scenario so it may never happen of course

I have been encouraging him to get some regular childcare and that does seem to be happening. I think we are at the stage of our relationship where he's actually changing more things than I am to make it all work.

Basically what am I afraid of losing most?

A man, or my hard won freedom?

I think I we know the answer to that ...

How do overnights work now @BelladiMamma? I couldn't nest with someone who had younger kids full time. Which makes me a terrible hypocrite. EOW is a tie, in terms of it being restrictive. But I realised that's part of his baggage. And I have plenty of my own.

I think it's usual for the non resident parent to make more of the compromises. Difficult when you are both the resident parent.

Current arrangements, very recently changed, are we each spend a night at each other's when our DC are on sleepovers with friends.

We're both self employed and wfh so sex happens during the day and our grown up sleepovers are no more than once weekly. We do some light socialising with the DC, walk dogs, cook with them. Previously both our DC had 2 nights pw with the NRP's but relations are unpredictable as our exes are unpredictable emotionally and in other ways. It's all very recently changed to the new arrangement and is likely to change again. Potentially with even less contact with the NRP's

I would still go with taking it slowly @BelladiMamma, surely it’s too soon to be even thinking about changing DC living arrangements so you two can ‘nest’ more? You’ve only known each other a matter of months. What’s the rush?

@Badbaddog

I would still go with taking it slowly *@BelladiMamma*, surely it’s too soon to be even thinking about changing DC living arrangements so you two can ‘nest’ more? You’ve only known each other a matter of months. What’s the rush?

It won't be for at least a year. I think we are just enjoying some romantic long term chat as part of our relationship journey ... who knows, if he'd just made me a cuppa soup none of this would have occurred to me 🤪

Ha ha cuppa soup is so much simpler in every way!

It’s lovely in a new relationship to know that there is scope for change, development, improvement in the future. Equally it’s lovely as time goes on to discover hidden compatibilities that would never come out in a planned chat. Basically if you’re good for each other then all these things come out in the wash, they don’t need to be pushed at.

I echo PPs, and it’s the rule I operate with Mr B and in every other aspect of my life: DC come first, given their age and the twattishness of the NRPs. The time will come soon enough when your own priorities can be lined up.

Definitely agree with the priorities too.

It's just how to navigate other stuff that enhances your life without negatively impacting them: that's the real challenge. Whilst my DD wants and needs me to be around, I need to keep developing and growing too, in a way that's either neutral to positive for her.

So if anyone has their own experience to share I'm all ears 👂🏿

And damn it, I'll hide all the fresh food, pots and pans for every visit from now on in

Kinda sad it's taken me to 50+ to have a romantic partner cook for me from scratch