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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OLD grads thread 1

617 replies

BelladiMamma · 21/02/2022 10:33

Thought I'd kick this off

Yeah yeah I know I said I wanted less screen time ...

Feel free to get chatting and sharing our tales of life on and off the apps

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SortingItOut · 19/03/2022 19:15

@wishywashy6 👋 If I'm remembering correctly you're a bit older than Mr 24 (now 29)

SortingItOut · 19/03/2022 19:29

@MayEye Feelings after a bad relationship are hard to get your head round.
Mr K and are 2.5yrs and we don't say the L word.
Last month when he was drunk and I was sober and we'd been out there was a conversation if sorts about L and he said he hoped I did love him as I'm his [insert my name]. I panicked and changed the subject, the next day part of me wished I'd asked him.

I can't see me ever telling him I love him,I also don't admit feelings and likely never will. The question if 'what is love' is a recurring one I seek answers to🙄

My best friend told me you can buy a menopause test like a pregnancy test that tells you if you're menopausal.
Definitely speak to your GP or if you're on Facebook join some of the menopause support groups.

I agree with not telling him, I don't tell Mr K of my 'must dump Mr K' days, he'd think I'm not right😂

wishywashy6 · 19/03/2022 19:36

@SortingItOut yes well remembered! I turn 40 in a few weeks Grin

Original poster
BelladiMamma · 19/03/2022 19:49

@SortingItOut so this is a strange one, the L word. I had 3-4 guys say it to me in 2021, it's almost become meaningless. I laughed when a couple of them said it. They were so clearly cocklodgers or not long term prospects I couldn't take them seriously. Obviously that sounds really cruel and they took it quite badly but I absolutely couldn't believe them!

However. I said to MrD early on that I loved having sex with him, loved being with him, spending time with him. Didn't really think or care if it was going to be reciprocated... but then within a few days it was on his lips all the time and I had to do this dance of 'well what I meant was I love having sex with you' etc etc and reinforce the message that it wasn't 'I love you' territory yet. Now however I'm much more comfortable and will say it to him quite a lot. But he knows that I've got boundaries and he respects them, as what I was worried about was him taking advantage of the 'love' feelings. Whereas it's just a love fest / shag fest / having fun together fest and we aren't really putting loads of pressure on ourselves anymore.

Not sure what point I'm trying to make. Just that I've lost my taboo around the 'love' word

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Original poster
BelladiMamma · 19/03/2022 19:50

[quote wishywashy6]@SortingItOut yes well remembered! I turn 40 in a few weeks Grin[/quote]
My mum has been in a long term relationship with a guy with similar age difference. It can definitely work and sometimes a relationship outside the norm is more genuine I think ❤️

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SortingItOut · 19/03/2022 20:28

@wishywashy6 How's it going? Are you living together?

@BelladiMamma Part of my reason for issues around 'I love you' is that my ex husband told me all the time he loved me while having loads of emotional affairs so I find it meaningless.
I stopped telling him I loved him a long time before we split. I wasn't prepared to lie.
I'd much rather have a man treat me well and care for me than tell me he loves me.

Original poster
BelladiMamma · 19/03/2022 20:30

[quote SortingItOut]@wishywashy6 How's it going? Are you living together?

@BelladiMamma Part of my reason for issues around 'I love you' is that my ex husband told me all the time he loved me while having loads of emotional affairs so I find it meaningless.
I stopped telling him I loved him a long time before we split. I wasn't prepared to lie.
I'd much rather have a man treat me well and care for me than tell me he loves me.[/quote]
I agree: the word is meaningless unless it's based on reality. My ex at least had the decency to stop saying it much towards the end. But weaponised it during our split. Yuk.

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MayEye · 19/03/2022 21:34

My ex really ramped up the ILY’s after we split when he decided we should get back together Hmm I’m a ‘show me you love me rather than tell me’ type of gal and he didn’t show me - in fact he barely tolerated me until he realised he had lost me!

Oh how those exes mess us up Grin

wishywashy6 · 19/03/2022 21:58

@SortingItOut yes all good thanks. Been living together for the last couple of years Smile

Badbaddog · 19/03/2022 22:38

Lovely to hear from you @wishywashy6! Didn’t you have a baby with him? 👶💕 I was @tigerdater back in the day, have been with Mr B for 3 years now but can’t wean myself off the dating threads 😂

wishywashy6 · 19/03/2022 23:36

@Badbaddog god no! No babies 🤣
My kids are 12 and 9 now and he's fantastic with them but no plans for any more!

SortingItOut · 20/03/2022 06:33

@MayEye Oh how those exes mess us up Never a truer word spoken.
I also hate the word 'sorry', again my ex said it all the time when he was found out doing something wrong but still did it again and again😡
Don't say sorry to me, tell me the reason you did something and change your actions and I'll decide whether its acceptable.

@wishywashy6 Glad you are happy and living together.

@Badbaddog Can't remember the lady who had the baby, she was late 30's or early 40's and it was a happy accident. I do remember he was Mr Ginger as there was much discussion about baby's hair colour.
I hope she pops in one day to update us.

wishywashy6 · 20/03/2022 07:49

@Badbaddog I stayed on the dating threads for a bit but gradually weaned myself off!
They were so helpful in the early days of OLD though, glad to see they're still going strong!!

Eesha · 20/03/2022 08:07

Hey @wishywashy6, I remember you! Glad you are well Grin. I have to ask, how have you navigated the age difference through the years?

Original poster
BelladiMamma · 20/03/2022 08:09

Glad I'm not sure the only one who finds it hard to leave them! I've been on them for a year and wish I'd started earlier as I had some shocking time wasters in my first year post divorce.

In other news I've just tested positive for Covid and feel like poo 💩 if poo 💩 gets blocked up nose, ears, migraine, cheat infection, extreme fatigue and a fever.

Come to think of it maybe 💩 has a better life 🤔

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wishywashy6 · 20/03/2022 08:27

@Eesha

Hey *@wishywashy6*, I remember you! Glad you are well Grin. I have to ask, how have you navigated the age difference through the years?
Hi @Eesha how are you?!

In all honesty we really don't notice it that much 🤷🏼‍♀️ he was more mature than I'd have expected a 24 year old to be (good job, own house etc) when we met so I've always found him on the same level as me with a lot of things
Other than the odd joke about our different tastes in music, the age thing has just never really come up

Notcoolmum · 20/03/2022 10:53

I stayed on the thread for ages. But it felt less relevant as things became more settled with Mr B. It was great for feeling I wasn't on my own dating in my 40s. All my friendship group are married and saw dating as something exciting and amusing.

wishywashy6 · 20/03/2022 12:29

@Notcoolmum

I stayed on the thread for ages. But it felt less relevant as things became more settled with Mr B. It was great for feeling I wasn't on my own dating in my 40s. All my friendship group are married and saw dating as something exciting and amusing.
Can definitely relate to this! Felt a bit like my online dating life was a joke as all my friends were happily coupled up whereas I'd just come out of a divorce. Was nice to have somewhere to go where people understood Smile
Notcoolmum · 20/03/2022 12:49

I often wished there was a thread for how to navigate the early stages of a relationship with kids and baggage and everything else that comes with it in our 40s too. It was harder to relate to swiping and multi dating, even though I'd been there (and could always end up back there). Often posts on mumsnet are very black and white, whereas real life is more nuanced.

Things aren't perfect with Mr B, there is compromise and acceptance, on both sides I'm sure. I think when I started the online journey I thought I would only take something that was perfect.

Original poster
BelladiMamma · 20/03/2022 13:34

@Notcoolmum

I often wished there was a thread for how to navigate the early stages of a relationship with kids and baggage and everything else that comes with it in our 40s too. It was harder to relate to swiping and multi dating, even though I'd been there (and could always end up back there). Often posts on mumsnet are very black and white, whereas real life is more nuanced.

Things aren't perfect with Mr B, there is compromise and acceptance, on both sides I'm sure. I think when I started the online journey I thought I would only take something that was perfect.

I'd love that too.

I'm constantly yo yo ing between wanting to blend families and wanting to run a mile.

I can see how both myself and MrD would have better loved if we continue to get closer. I can also see that just living nearer each other might be lovely. I can also see that the status quo might be the best thing full stop.

Just doesn't make sense to me and I don't want to take it to therapy because it seems so petty. Plus I'm there for other things. Or maybe it's all linked 🤷🏻‍♀️ who knows

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Notcoolmum · 20/03/2022 13:47

How old are both your kids @BelladiMamma? Mr B just has his DC every EOW. The DC is 10 years younger than mine and I think I'd struggle if it was more tbh.

Original poster
BelladiMamma · 20/03/2022 14:07

@Notcoolmum

How old are both your kids *@BelladiMamma*? Mr B just has his DC every EOW. The DC is 10 years younger than mine and I think I'd struggle if it was more tbh.
Mine are 15, nearly 16 18 yo at uni nearly 19

His DD are 11 & 13. We each have our DC full time. We've both agreed that it wouldn't be fair on the DC to move them in together. But we'd like to be together more.

We're relatively comfortable financially and might be able to afford to rent a big place or places near each other.

But tbh we spoil our time together if we talk about it too much as it's way too early to make those decisions.

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Notcoolmum · 20/03/2022 15:37

Ah yes that's different if he has his kids FT too. Do you live a distance away, how long has it been?

We are both poor as church mouses which is quite restrictive. It would have been nice to have met someone better off!! 😂

Original poster
BelladiMamma · 20/03/2022 16:01

@Notcoolmum

Ah yes that's different if he has his kids FT too. Do you live a distance away, how long has it been?

We are both poor as church mouses which is quite restrictive. It would have been nice to have met someone better off!! 😂

It would require a change of school - most likely for his DC. And when I think about that my mind just explodes and I think - No Way.

It only came up because he's been looking to live in my area for a while now and had been house hunting when we met. The distance isn't huge but it's too much for DC to navigate. Would be fine for one of us to commute or wfh

His ex is near where they live but isn't really reliably in the picture which isn't great either. Sometimes I think they'd all benefit from a break from her but the distance might make her sporadic contact even less reliable

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Original poster
BelladiMamma · 20/03/2022 16:03

@Notcoolmum and in fact that's the problem. I could wade in with all my grand ideas but I've really not known him for long

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