OLD grads thread 1

[BelladiMamma]

Thought I'd kick this off

Yeah yeah I know I said I wanted less screen time ...

Feel free to get chatting and sharing our tales of life on and off the apps

@InABetterPlaceNow I'm really glad things have worked out well for you. I actually feel a bit teary as no one has ever been as sweet to me as you have just described him treating you!

[quote InABetterPlaceNow]@BelladiMamma Just to clarify, it's after this incident that she's no longer able to see DD. So potentially no longer an issue and she's written herself out of their lives but I guess we will see! Much more settled about it all now (if mortified on how poorly I handled it in the end)[/quote]
Aha! Makes sense 😊

[quote Eesha]@InABetterPlaceNow I'm really glad things have worked out well for you. I actually feel a bit teary as no one has ever been as sweet to me as you have just described him treating you![/quote]
🤗 awww ☺️

I'm pissed off no one has ever treated you like that.

On the downside my abusive ex was a real one for the grand gesture and lots of presents etc so it can be done in a very manipulative way and sadly I'm now really suspicious of anyone that spoils me too much.

Sad really isn't it

PS @InABetterPlaceNow I never knew how much I needed a Biscoff doughnut til now!!! What even is that 🍩😋

@Eesha Me too! The cynical part of me thinks he was "killing me with kindness" for my transgressions but I honestly just think he might be a good one, understood why I went a bit OTT and seemed quite amused at me 🙄 Hopefully no permanent harm has been done.

@BelladiMamma in the same. Grand gestures have me running a mile. I'm not quite sure what to do with these little bits of "caring" from MrT. It's especially growing me a loop as it's growing over time. We split all bills to start with and he didn't buy me anything for Xmas (he was isolating us to Covid but I was a little miffed because, Amazon!). He's now started to get me little token gifts which while don't have a big monetary value have a huge amount of "knowing" me and care if that makes sense? Feels entirely different from what I've had in the past.

Oh my goodness the Biscoff doughnut!! I'm even finding it hard to compute his best friend made it for me knowing I was "important". But it was in a little box with one for each of us (and he'd said he'd had another one the day before) so sounds like she popped in with them and gave a separate one for us to share? She's a trained pasty chef and has worked at Michelin starred restaurants 😳 I'm pretty sure it was one of the best things I've put in my mouth (I can't add the caveat towards MrT on a public forum 😂). Doughnut, with Biscoff flavoured cream filling, Biscoff flavoured icing, crumbled Biscoff and white chocolate drizzled across 🤤 She is a master, truely. It pretty much instantly fixed my hangover 😂

I'm struggling. Usual "comedown" after seeing him, but mixed with some shame still after how I acted. He's not given me any reason to doubt him and seemed more than fine. I don't know how long it's going to take to trust "this". It's all just a bit too good to be true but in a very gentle way, so can't even see it as love bombing of that makes sense? Just working through the feelings. I'd be shocked (and devastated) if we suddenly broke up with no reason, and he's given me no reason to think we will, but it's where my mind keeps going. Sigh.

@InABetterPlaceNow do you think some of your comedown / anxiety could be hangover / alcohol related? My emotions are all over the place after I've had too much to drink.

Otherwise mmmm 😋 yummy 🤤 🍩

[quote BelladiMamma]@InABetterPlaceNow do you think some of your comedown / anxiety could be hangover / alcohol related? My emotions are all over the place after I've had too much to drink.

Otherwise mmmm 😋 yummy 🤤 🍩 [/quote]
Yup, highly likely!! It's been at least 2 years, maybe more, since I had a night out like that. And god knows how many since I've been "attached" which was a bit of a head f in itself.

He's touched base for a call later anyways. I think we're fine... 🙈

Hello all, just catching up on the thread.
@Eesha I hope you manage to meet up again soon with Mr Music. You are very patient and understanding, I'm terribly, terribly anxious around contact so I worry I couldn't handle it at all.
And there's the root of my most recent problem...
I rather fear I've messed things up with Mr P.
Some advice and perspective if anyone can spare some would be nice?...
We were supposed to meet up Friday lunchtime and spend the weekend together. He messaged me early to say he had to go into work, he was sorry etc.
I was frosty, but said OK.
Long story short, I went out with the girls in the afternoon and got a bit tipsy and paranoid.
There's a new girl on his team that he mentions a lot, she's very pretty and I'm shamefully jealous. In my mind I convinced myself he wanted to go in because she was there. By the time I got to his I was tipsy, argumentative and basically hinted that I wasn't happy, I said I felt insecure and I wasn't sure about us.
He was stunned. Asked me if it was because of her, I said no !!
Told me he now felt very unsettled etc and he wasn't sure what he had done wrong.
It gets worse, the drink wore off and I fell asleep
In the morning we talked it through. He was really cross, said thr drink made me behave like a dick, that he was now incredibly confused by my feelings. That it had taken us 2 years to introduce each other to children etc and now he was regretting it.
I apologised, said I was sorry, said it was the drink etc, but tbh, some of it was me !! I DO feel insecure and needy. I have from the start!
He has been cool with me since then. We continued the weekend together but it was strained. I felt so awkward and he made a few digs about me and drinking over the weekend. Then Monday before I left, he was working and i was cuddling him etc. I stupidly said, I remember when I used to be able to distract you from work, and lure you away from the laptop. He got cross and said, but I'm working. I said yes you're right I'm sorry I'm being childish and I went to get ready to go home. He got up and said, ok I'm done, let's go upstairs and ill cuddle you before you go.
I got really annoyed and snapped, no ! I don't want to be fitted in !
He them got annoyed and said he couldn't win.

I feel like such an idiot.
I've really pushed my neediness and think I've messed up
This isn't the first time. I try so hard to distract myself and fill my life, but I'm a mess.
I'm supposed to see him today but he's gone into work today. I've received just the briefest of messages and yesterday was the same....
Bleurgh
How do I stop being a dick

I don’t really have an answer to your question @Clovertoast, ‘being a dick’ is difficult behaviour to just stop because it sounds like you are repeating past patterns of behaviour? In which case you need to break the pattern. Perhaps be open and honest with Mr P, tell him you regret the spiral of behaviour you fell into and apologise. If it were me I would also tell him I would be stepping back for a while to think things through and find a way to break the behaviour, perhaps counselling? Or just some time alone?

@Clovertoast, when you envisage what a perfect relationship with Mr P looks like how does it differ from what you currently have? Can you identify what he does or doesn’t do that feeds your insecurities? And what about you? If you think of times when you’re feeling unsettled is there something that is actually happening or do these exchanges escalate out of nowhere? I’ve been around the thread for some time and I know that you have felt rather insecure or unsure in this relationship pretty much all through- but there must be genuine feelings on both sides that have sustained it. Neither of you has to stick around so there must be enough reasons to make you both stick at it. I know I feel unsettled sometimes and others too on the thread. One thing some have tracked are their periods and potential shifts in hormone levels. Do you think it might be worth getting yours checked?

@Clovertoast you've had some great thoughts already from other posters. Like you, I would feel wobbly after a change in plans or in attitude. Sometimes it's harder but better to 'fess up to those feelings as soon as they come up, otherwise you're left trying to manage them by yourself and they can take on gigantic proportions when they're not really deserving of so much headspace.

Is there a way you can get through to MrP that you understand that you let things get out of hand and you'd like to 1. Have a bit of self reflection 2. Make amends and understand how you can both put things right and deal with what's going on

Also: alcohol. Never a great help when already struggling with things. Definitely worth thinking about your relationship to booze. Have you looked at some of the new social media profiles for groups like 'love sober'. Some really helpful perspectives on female relationships with alcohol.

Hope things get better between you and come back here to vent, it can be soooo helpful.

@Clovertoast when I feel insecure and act out there is usually an underlying reason. Is Mr P doing things to make you feel anxious or insecure. How are things going generally? Is this the sort of relationship you want. One you would be happy if your best friend was in something similar? It's been a long time since I read the dating thread so I am probably horribly out of date, but I do recall Mr P making you feel less than you should and taking you for granted. I hope that's not still the case.

@Clovertoast I do feel for you as its incredibly easy for anxieties/insecurities to blow things out of the water. I would probably try and hold my tongue a bit and also blame the drink in order to get the relationship back on track. However behind the scenes I'd be looking to understand why you still have such insecurities after so long with Mr P. Is it him not giving you enough reassurance or will it simply be the case with anyone you date. Correct me if I'm wrong but it does seem like your world revolves a lot around him, I remember you used to do his washing etc. But the thing is when your happiness depends on someone else, it really hurts when things are tense etc. Also, he's flagged the drink thing so is that an issue for you or something triggering for him?

I'm guilty of falling into sadness if a relationship isn't going smoothly myself. I am also insecure but I try and keep it to myself rather than tell any partner how I'm feeling as it always sounds irrational and that's never an attractive trait. Its been tough with not seeing Mr Music but it makes a huge difference when we talk intimately rather than going through the motions. I don't think any relationship can sustain with such long periods apart unless you have good communication. We were struggling for a few weeks and I hated it but thankfully it feels better now as he's been more open.

@Clovertoast I'm really pleased you are back, please stay around for support.

I agree with Eesha that you need to work on why you have felt insecure from the start. Why do you have low self-esteem? Why don't you think you're good enough?
Have you had counselling?

We've said to you many times about making a life outside of Mr P but you haven't done it. Is this linked to the low self esteem and you cant join clubs or groups?
Is there anything you can do on your own?
We're not suggesting not seeing Mr P to do these hobbies but to do the hobbies when you don't see him and to make your life happy and fulfilled even when you don't see him.

Having a meet cancelled (although it sounds like it was postponed) by a few hours doesn't feel great but you can't take it personally.

Also, stop drinking, it can make you act a dick if you have underlying things going on.

The time to bring up issues is when both are sober and are ready to talk. Blurting stuff out isn't helpful.

Hey @Eesha I hope you have been able to see MrMusic xx

@BelladiMamma no unfortunately but he's adamant will be next weekend, that will be 5 weeks. His child has covid badly.

[quote Eesha]@BelladiMamma no unfortunately but he's adamant will be next weekend, that will be 5 weeks. His child has covid badly.[/quote]
So sorry to hear that. I hope his child recovers very quickly without any serious consequences.

What a long wait for you though!!! I hope things are clearer very soon for you

@BelladiMamma yes I did jokingly say we need to have a deadline if it gets much longer. He's aware I'm having doubts now so let's see what happens now.

I need to write down some thoughts somewhere so thought here would be good as I might get some perspective from you sensible folks!

I’m feeling a bit weird about things with Mr L all of a sudden. I can’t even articulate to myself why! Nothing has happened, he is always amazing to me when we are together, is obviously committed to our relationship, is a kind, loving supportive funny person who has put up with my pace for things all along without ever complaining. He is well liked amongst his friends, family has a good job, solvent, no crazy ex - basically perfect right?!

I just feel afraid - I don’t know if it’s of committing to him or of losing him we have been together for 7 months and in ways it feels longer but it’s really no time at all. Up to last weekend I spent all my time really missing him but since then I feel like I want to run away - for no apparent reason! We are heading to the UK on Friday for the weekend and I’m anxious instead of looking forward to it. I know you should trust your gut on things but I also self sabotage. He is everything I wanted when I started OLD and everything my ex is not - what the hell is wrong with me*???

*may be peri menopausal

@MayEye At what stage of your cycle are you?
Ovulation time is when I go into 'must dump Mr K' which lasts about 10 hours abd then I'm fine. Weirdest thing but since I started tracking it I'm much more at ease with it and go with the flow (and sit on my hands 😂)

Is some of the worry coming from things getting slightly more serious and there's part of you nervous about this?

@MayEye I think wanting to run away from things is a common peri trait. I'd try and see how you feel in a couple of weeks. It doesn't sound like there's an external reason to want to do a runner.

I was on the dating thread around 4 years ago! Still with Mr24 (he's now Mr29 🤣)

Welcome @wishywashy6

@MayEye I haven't yet started tracking cycle and thoughts and feelings but there's seems to be a lot of wisdom in doing this

Also the sense that things are getting more serious, I've definitely been guilty of wanting to run away when this happens. Even if all is ok. I think it's hard for us as women to throw ourselves back into big relationships as we generally have more to lose.

I've been quite open with MrD when I've felt like this - in a way that I hope isn't too negative. I just say things like 'life would be easier without all our baggage, is there somewhere we can drop it off for the day' 🤪

@wishywashy6

I was on the dating thread around 4 years ago! Still with Mr24 (he's now Mr29 🤣)

Think I'll still be here in 4 years 🤪

Thanks ladies for your inputs - I knew I would get some thoughtful responses.
I do think it’s partially the fear of things getting serious. He has said the L word and I haven’t responded in kind as I’m afraid to admit feelings. After a shit show of a marriage break up I can’t go through that again so of course it’s scary. I have more to gain than lose by being with him though because he is lovely.

Interesting re cycles etc because I’m just assuming everything wrong with me lately is related to peri I probably should address that with my doctor sooner rather than later. As I have a mirena I don’t have a regular period but upon checking my diary I was an emotional wreck about a month ago when I was leaving Mr L’s after the weekend ( the opposite of my feelings this month😂) and I started my period the next day so there might be something to it.
I’ll keep an eye on things - I won’t be mentioning anything to him just yet as he will seriously think I’m nuts