I’ve had enough of my husband’s precious first born syndrome

[seaborgium]

Sorry this post is so long.

DS is still on purees because DH is terrified of choking. At the moment DH works mornings and I work afternoons. I give DS finger foods while DH is at work but I have to be very careful not to get caught. I got caught giving DS batons of courgette once and DH absolutely exploded and went on a two hour yelling rant about how DS is going to choke to death one day.

He still weighs our chubby cheeked 91st centile 10 month old DS about once a week. His constant paranoia about whether he was gaining enough weight was perhaps understandable in the newborn days when he was struggling to latch but seriously? DH once went into a panic because DS gained less weight than expected and went from slightly above the 91st centile to slightly below the 91st centile - he insisted on formula top-ups but luckily the baby refused the bottle.

DH does’t want DS crawling on the floor because ‘the floor is dirty’. So DS only gets to crawl on the floor when DH is at work, the rest of the time he is only allowed to crawl in his playpen. DS spends most of his time in the baby walker because he gets fed up with the playpen very quickly. He is in the grey zone for gross motor on the 10 month ASQ. We actually have quite a clean floor IMO.

When DS is asleep DH often asks “are you sure he’s asleep and not dead?”. He often ends up waking DS in his attempts to verify that he is still alive. When DS first began rolling back to front DH was constantly waking him up by rolling him onto his back. Some nights DS refuses to sleep in his cot and we end up on a mattress on the floor and when that happens DH is up half the night worrying about whether DS is going to suffocate or get rolled on top of.

DH wouldn’t let me buy a sling until DS was three months old. He said that putting a newborn in a sling is dangerous because newborns don’t have enough head control. DS could already hold his head up when he was born.

For the first 6 months or so DH was jittery every time I picked up DS. He was constantly going on about how worried he is that I might drop DS. He set up a bedroom downstairs so that I wouldn’t have to carry him up and down stairs.

For the first few months DH would not let me take DS for a walk without him because he was scared that we would get run over. Then he relaxed the rules a bit and allowed me to take him to the local park so long as I followed a prescribed route.

Does he have anxiety? This sounds way beyond usual PFB stuff. Maybe he should take a trip to the GP.

I would tell him to see a doctor. If he wouldn’t, I would leave him.

You’ve got to stop with the targets and weighing. That’s absolutely ridiculous.

This sounds less like PFB and more like your husband has a serious anxiety problem. Is that something he’s suffered with before, or would be willing to talk to someone about?

Also he seems quite controlling of your behaviour with your son - what happens if you say “No, I’m going to do it this way”?

He should really get this sorted or he’s going to actively hinder his own child’s development.

My DH can be a little like this but nowhere near as bad. It sounds very extreme and I couldn't live like that. Has he seen a doctor? Does he understand that thinks like eating finger food and crawling (not just in a play pen) are important parts of a child's development?

Stop indulging his anxiety. Tell him you will no longer be a prisoner of his illness and neither will your baby, and he needs to see his GP or else the two of you have a serious problem.

He's either suffering from severe anxiety, or he's a control freak that is using your dc to control your every move. If he doesn't agree to a trip to the gp to find a solution for his anxiety then it's probably the latter.

I'm far from a medical professional but that sounds more like severe anxiety than PFB. Sad for your DC they can't crawl and explore normally.

He seriously needs to get help for his anxiety. He needd to realise his behaviours not normal. Neither you nor DS can live like this.

Your husband sounds unwell. I don't mean that unkindly, but he needs to see his GP. This is not normal in any way.

What was he like before the baby came along?

Goodness. He is not well. That is a lot of anxiety and must be exhausting for him and you. Please get him to talk to GP. CBT may be very helpful for him.

I was like this with my DS when he was a baby but I got help and was able to somewhat control my anxiety.
He needs help. This is not normal.

Has he been around other babies the same age?

I agree he needs to go see a doctor for his anxiety - as other posters have pointed out, some of the things he’s doing could actually be harming your son’s development; and it will likely get worse it not controlled.

If he doesn’t start to manage his own anxiety to stop it impacting on you or DS, I’d be considering leaving him - you shouldn’t have to tiptoe around your own husband.

I agree it sounds like it's time for him to see a doctor. It's no way for any of you to live.

He’s preventing development of his child’s jaw and muscles by only feeding slop at that age, and teaching him to swallow without chewing.
He’s restricting the child’s world by only allowing him to crawl in a cage/pen.
Deliberately disturbing his sleep is a form of torture.
How are you advocating for your child from this awful man?
His issues are his to sort, he does not get to inflict damaging behaviour on his kid.

That is all very extreme. It's not clear from your op whether these controlling behaviours are anxiety driven or if he is controlling in a more abusive way. The outcome is the same regardless, this has to change, as PP said he needs to visit the GP and get his anxiety under control if that's a driving factor and you need to consider if you and your child can live like this.

Good grief, I'm exhausted from reading that. Tell him to get to the doctor's

I think you need to speak to a doctor or the heath visitor. That's not normal and very controlling. It's not PFB. I couldn't live like that.
Most of the stuff he is doing is likely to harm your son's development.

Oh wow, that's really not normal - he has severe anxiety, and needs to see a doctor.

Have you reversed the gender of the parents here? This would be extreme anxiety if mum or dad and requires medical attention but it's certainly more common in mums and linked to pnd.

This is not pfb, this is way beyond that. Your dh has serious anxiety and needs help. He is actually hindering your ds development with this and you can't let it go on any longer. You need to tell him firmly that you will not be following these rules and he is to get help ASAP. Explain that he is actually hindering ds from normal healthy development and he needs you stop (with help).
Your dh is unwell op. Setting up the bedroom, telling your which route to take etc are way way beyond rational and normal.

Also, wtf are you doing with a man who ‘allows’ and doesn’t allow you to do things?!

He's very unwell, OP, and you're enabling it.

Time to stop and make him get help. And mean it.

Your DH has health and/or generalised anxiety which is playing it's way out through your child. I know because I recognise his behaviour from myself - I ended up needing urgent therapy at 8 months post partum with my first. I'm not sure if men qualify for this, but there's an urgent post partum referral system for mums in the first 12 months after birth.
I had some reasons for ending up like - baby was very sick at birth and on NICU plus some ongoing (but not serious/life threatening) health issues, but it still doesn't mean my response was normal.
This needs fixing because it will affect your child's mental health. I have been much better with my second but still need to keep a check on my feelings and responses and work hard otherwise it's easy to slip back into dangerous habits and ways of thinking.
Does he understand he has an issue?