I’ve had enough of my husband’s precious first born syndrome

[seaborgium]

Sorry this post is so long.

DS is still on purees because DH is terrified of choking. At the moment DH works mornings and I work afternoons. I give DS finger foods while DH is at work but I have to be very careful not to get caught. I got caught giving DS batons of courgette once and DH absolutely exploded and went on a two hour yelling rant about how DS is going to choke to death one day.

He still weighs our chubby cheeked 91st centile 10 month old DS about once a week. His constant paranoia about whether he was gaining enough weight was perhaps understandable in the newborn days when he was struggling to latch but seriously? DH once went into a panic because DS gained less weight than expected and went from slightly above the 91st centile to slightly below the 91st centile - he insisted on formula top-ups but luckily the baby refused the bottle.

DH does’t want DS crawling on the floor because ‘the floor is dirty’. So DS only gets to crawl on the floor when DH is at work, the rest of the time he is only allowed to crawl in his playpen. DS spends most of his time in the baby walker because he gets fed up with the playpen very quickly. He is in the grey zone for gross motor on the 10 month ASQ. We actually have quite a clean floor IMO.

When DS is asleep DH often asks “are you sure he’s asleep and not dead?”. He often ends up waking DS in his attempts to verify that he is still alive. When DS first began rolling back to front DH was constantly waking him up by rolling him onto his back. Some nights DS refuses to sleep in his cot and we end up on a mattress on the floor and when that happens DH is up half the night worrying about whether DS is going to suffocate or get rolled on top of.

DH wouldn’t let me buy a sling until DS was three months old. He said that putting a newborn in a sling is dangerous because newborns don’t have enough head control. DS could already hold his head up when he was born.

For the first 6 months or so DH was jittery every time I picked up DS. He was constantly going on about how worried he is that I might drop DS. He set up a bedroom downstairs so that I wouldn’t have to carry him up and down stairs.

For the first few months DH would not let me take DS for a walk without him because he was scared that we would get run over. Then he relaxed the rules a bit and allowed me to take him to the local park so long as I followed a prescribed route.

I'm sorry if this comes across as taking your husbands side, I understand this must be very difficult to live with. I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety when my son was 6 months old. I sought counselling, was private through my work, the NHS waiting list was very long. Everything you described was like I thought. I hated taking him anywhere, if the bus crashed he'd die, if a car loses control and hits him he'll die. Sat up hours watching him sleep, couldn't move him into his room. Very rarely was on the floor. I hate myself for it. But with the right help I realise there's a difference between worry and panic. Please try to sit him down and explain he needs help. Read up on post natal anxiety, it affects dads too. Best of luck to you both.

My EX was exactly the same... turns out he was a controlling abusive dick

Still is but we're not together and still try's to wrap my son in cotton wool
Luckily my son is so independent and so confident and is not having any of it 😀

He’s preventing development of his child’s jaw and muscles by only feeding slop at that age, and teaching him to swallow without chewing

Unlikely. Before baby led weaning was a thing, it was the way most babies of ten months were fed. We all seem to be OK.

He sounds very unwell @seaborgium. I think he needs help.

Many women on here have said they were the same after having a child. Imagine everyone telling their DH to leave her as she’s being controlling.

I know a 12 yo. Never allowed to play out, never allowed to visit friend's houses, only ever able to be with her mother, no other people have ever looked after her, never allowed on a bus, there is a list of places and people who are (I know them; perfectly nice) 'dangerous'. She has now developed pretty severe anxiety herself. Would it have been better for her to have left with her dad? Absolutely.

If her mum had sought help? That would have been very different.

Wow. I’m sorry OP, it must be so difficult to live like this. Tell your DH that he hinders your baby’s development by having such anxiety and it will get worse. Have a serious talk and tell him you won’t be able to tolerate it any longer.

I got caught giving DS batons of courgette once and DH absolutely exploded and went on a two hour yelling rant about how DS is going to choke to death one day.

I assume this was in front of your son. This is not acceptable and he needs to either accept he has a problem and get help or you start looking at ways to protect your child.

Sounds really worrying. This doesn't sound normal. And his anxiety may manifest into your dc. I think he needs to see someone.

Dh needs to seek treatment for his anxiety

@RJnomore1

He is actually causing your child damage by not allowing him to eat a range of textures or build his immune system. You will most likely end up with a sickly, anxious child with eating issues unless you deal with it

I agree...

Verging on abuse

Has your DS ever crawled on the grass outside?
Are you 'allowed' to take your DS out with you to meet friends?
Are you 'allowed' to take your DS to baby groups and playgroups?
Has your DS ever been to a play cafe or soft play?
Do you take your DS to shops with you?

I feel for you. Babies learn by being out and about and exposed to different environments. This is also how most mums on maternity leave stay sane.

Your situation must be very lonely and limiting. You need to give your DH an ultimatum to seek help.

Who the hell does he think he is? I have anxiety, fortunately for me it doesn't manifest in this way, but if it impacted family life and my child's normal development to this extent I would deserve to be told to get help or get gone.

Agree that he is unwell and that's unfortunately manifesting in extreme control (prescribed path to park only, etc).

What would happen if you just carried on doing things he deemed unsafe when he was around? Would he barrel in and physically stop you?

He needs help. Don’t entertain this rubbish.

He has his own mental health battles about being a parent to a tiny one. This isn’t PFB territory.

I wouldn’t accept the way he’s spoke to you, and would continue doing what you’re doing with or without him.
I couldn’t be arsed tip-toeing, hiding and worrying about that behaviour.

Your husband has mental health issues and needs to talk to a doctor about this. This isn't PFB.

Yeah he needs therapy at the very least ! This is hardcore anxiety, it's not fair on you or your child !

I think the lack of empathy demonstrated by a large number of posters for someone who clearly has a MH problem is astounding.

No wonder people - and particularly men - are still scared to admit to struggling with their MH if they are written off as 'controlling' and 'abusive'.

He should at least seek help before the OP decides to leave him and start again with a young baby.

My friends husband was like this

He was actually diagnosed with some type of depression. Like PND. But in fathers.

I would get him checked.

Not normal.
Not healthy.

Yelling for two hours is absolutely awful.

I would think there is a huge risk of this behaviour crossing over into abusive territory.

Definitely a GP needs to be seen.

Echoing everyone else, this is not 'pfb syndrome' and you shouldn't dismiss it as such.
He needs help.

@SolidGoldBrassiere

His actions are controlling though and could be considered abuse. Acknowledging that is not writing him off.

I’ve had an anxiety disorder for longer than I can remember and it has made me behave in strange ways before, and it’s not lacking in empathy to acknowledge that people with MH can act in ways that are detrimental to themselves or those around them. The large majority of people are encouraging for him to get help.

Your husband has mh issues. He is exhibiting very similar behabiours to those I did. He needs kindness and support

That being said - you cannot indulge this or let his anxiety dictate what you do with your son. If you have to live separately whilst he gets help then so be it. Good luck. This sounds really tough.

He needs to get a grip. Stop being a slave to his anxiety. This will have a serious impact on your child if this isn’t nipped in the bud asap.

Like most posters here, I’d suggest he gets help asap for his anxiety. He’s clearly in mental anguish. He doesn’t need to live this way, and nor do you and your child.
He must see a doctor.

He goes to the GP TOMORROW or you leave with the baby.

Seriously.

This is abusive and controlling behaviour, fueled by a shocking level of anxiety and paranoia. It's not fair to raise your son in a home like this.