I’ve had enough of my husband’s precious first born syndrome

[seaborgium]

Sorry this post is so long.

DS is still on purees because DH is terrified of choking. At the moment DH works mornings and I work afternoons. I give DS finger foods while DH is at work but I have to be very careful not to get caught. I got caught giving DS batons of courgette once and DH absolutely exploded and went on a two hour yelling rant about how DS is going to choke to death one day.

He still weighs our chubby cheeked 91st centile 10 month old DS about once a week. His constant paranoia about whether he was gaining enough weight was perhaps understandable in the newborn days when he was struggling to latch but seriously? DH once went into a panic because DS gained less weight than expected and went from slightly above the 91st centile to slightly below the 91st centile - he insisted on formula top-ups but luckily the baby refused the bottle.

DH does’t want DS crawling on the floor because ‘the floor is dirty’. So DS only gets to crawl on the floor when DH is at work, the rest of the time he is only allowed to crawl in his playpen. DS spends most of his time in the baby walker because he gets fed up with the playpen very quickly. He is in the grey zone for gross motor on the 10 month ASQ. We actually have quite a clean floor IMO.

When DS is asleep DH often asks “are you sure he’s asleep and not dead?”. He often ends up waking DS in his attempts to verify that he is still alive. When DS first began rolling back to front DH was constantly waking him up by rolling him onto his back. Some nights DS refuses to sleep in his cot and we end up on a mattress on the floor and when that happens DH is up half the night worrying about whether DS is going to suffocate or get rolled on top of.

DH wouldn’t let me buy a sling until DS was three months old. He said that putting a newborn in a sling is dangerous because newborns don’t have enough head control. DS could already hold his head up when he was born.

For the first 6 months or so DH was jittery every time I picked up DS. He was constantly going on about how worried he is that I might drop DS. He set up a bedroom downstairs so that I wouldn’t have to carry him up and down stairs.

For the first few months DH would not let me take DS for a walk without him because he was scared that we would get run over. Then he relaxed the rules a bit and allowed me to take him to the local park so long as I followed a prescribed route.

This is unfair on you and your DS. I agree with seeing a health visitor and voicing his concerns with them. Hopefully if he hears from a healthcare professional it will help allay some of his worries. At the same time I would definitely be trying to get him to see a GP.

I wouldn't say he just has first born syndrome but a full blown anxiety problem tbh. Have a good chat with your DH OP. As they grow older, you will face bigger challenges. What is he going to do if some boy / girl pushes your Ds in the playground or your DD's best friend suddenly doesn't want him anymore in school. He needs help now.

This is either extreme anxiety and/or extreme control and it's detrimental to your child's development.

Echo everything people have said about health visitor, doctor and counselling.

In the meantime, is there any way he could socialise more with other fathers, do you have brothers or BILs that could talking to him without him feeling you were discussing him behind his back?

I personally would be booking the gp appointment myself and ensuring he went with me present, if that's not viable, wait untill the health visitor arrives and detail your concerns Infront of her, even giving her a call before she arrives. None of this is healthy behavior for him you or did. Whether it be anxiety or controlling behavior it's not normal and is only going to get worse. How are you? Maybe worth speaking to someone as well for advice on coping mechanisms and standing up for yourself. Do you have much support? Have you shared this with anyone else? I understand only to well this experience and in truth it ruined the early memories I have of my children as such an unhappy fraught time, worry and hiding things from my partner. Whatever you choose to do I wish you luck

Not eating solid food may cause speech and language delays. Would he listen if a HV told him these things?

I don’t think this is controlling behaviour, agree with the other replies that this is anxiety. Your DH must feel awful stressing out over your child’s wellbeing constantly. Hope you can get him to see your GP

I am your husband! Not literally obviously, but this was my behaviour after our first child was born. I had quite bad postpartum anxiety and had to see a counsellor.

The only thing that really helped me was having a second child. I no longer have the time to stress about everything, because life is just too busy!

I still find some situations difficult but do try to hang back before swooping in and trying to take over.

I can imagine how frustrating it is for you. My husband is driven mad by my concerns but it probably sucks for your husband too. I’d suggest he gets counselling for his own sake!

@FennecShandDoesEverything

Stop indulging his anxiety. Tell him you will no longer be a prisoner of his illness and neither will your baby, and he needs to see his GP or else the two of you have a serious problem.

I absolutely agree.

YABU, if only for referring to this as 'precious first born syndrome' and not what it is, which is 'severe, life-limiting anxiety'.

Speak to him about getting some help ffs. You're both dismissing him - by saying he's being ridiculous - and also enabling him - by hiding the stuff you are doing so he thinks his anxious thoughts are correct.

What has happened to him - your DH? Did he have anxiety and/or OCD before the baby, have you lost a baby prior to your son or has your husband experienced an unrelated very traumatic life event for example the death of someone he loved, an accident that resulted in serious harm etc; What do both your parents and friends with or without children think of his behaviour - have they told him it’s bizarre?

I think this could be very damaging to your baby’s development. I really feel for you too op. How can you enjoy your baby with all these “rules”.

Your DH needs professional help.

He is either a controlling arse or he’s severely mentally unwell and you need to make a GP appointment immediately. In fact I’d make one for yourself and discuss this.

This isn’t a sustainable way to live for any of you. He’ll do damage to your son like this. As other say, tell him he needs to seek help.

This man is batshit. End of. Get rid!!!

That is way way way beyond PFB OP, your husband sounds like he has serious anxiety and needs psychological help (and I say this as a wife of a DH who’s had said help)
Things won’t improve on their own, you need to forge ahead now and get him help before your son is further held back by parental anxiety

Yeah this isn't PFB stuff, this is full on anxiety and a very serious case of it that's being allowed to severely impact the family.

Your DH needs medical help or you may end up having to leave for your own sake as well as that of your baby.

I feel for you because this must be so stressful to have to deal with. I’d echo everyone else and say that he should visit his gp (or seek therapy for anxiety directly) to try and get some help for him so he can put his fears into proportion. If he carries on catastrophising and not allowing your DS to do entirely natural, reasonable things he’s going to create a knife-edge environment that will be not only totally unreasonable but also unbearable. Someone earlier in the thread said leave him. Personally, I think that’s absolutely ridiculous because it’s a far better situation to have him being so careful about his son than it would be if he were neglecting him - but this level of anxiety is so unhealthy. But it can be helped, with a professional’s guidance.

@Hen2018

I would tell him to see a doctor. If he wouldn’t, I would leave him.

This Your husband is disturbingly controlling. I would be giving him an ultimatum- either he seeks help for his mental health problems or your relationship is over.

This is not PFB. Your husband is seriously unwell and needs to speak to someone. He needs help with his mental health.

It sounds like anxiety and if not controlled soon can cause an awful lot of damage to your DC, I've been there unfortunately, he needs to go see his GP in the first instance. If he really wants what's best for his son he'll go but you do need to start sticking up to him, your DC needs to be out exploring and trying new foods now xx

I thought this might be a reverse.

But even so, have you pointed out that as much as he's worried about clean floor, weight and purées, he doesn't seem worried that it's only advised babies are in baby walkers etc for a max 20 minutes a day and also that not starting solids is harming his jaw/muscle development?

@Rainbowpurple

I wouldn't say he just has first born syndrome but a full blown anxiety problem tbh. Have a good chat with your DH OP. As they grow older, you will face bigger challenges. What is he going to do if some boy / girl pushes your Ds in the playground or your DD's best friend suddenly doesn't want him anymore in school. He needs help now.

Absolutely this, and he needs to get professional help for his anxiety sooner rather than later.

@kagerou

Wow at all these people saying OP should leave her partner because he has anxiety!

Imagine for a second a man posted on here about his wife having post natal anxiety (which is exactly what this sounds like) or PND

Please try to convince him to get help as it must be incredibly stressful and upsetting for all of you

No, they are telling her to leave because he is abusive. The initial reasons may be related to anxiety, and it sounds like they are, but no one has to put up with abusive, regardless of the reason.

I've seen women abused by men with anxiety, depression, PTSD, various PDs and others. In every case it's for the man to seek help. And if a woman with PND was behaving abusively and not seeking help, I'd say the same.

This is not anxiety, it's severe anxiety. We all have anxiety & worry as first time parents but this is on another worrying scale. I had an anxiety disorder before I became a mother but I never woke my baby or stunted their development in any way. This is not in baby's best interests. Please get him some help

What was he like before your baby was born? Like everyone has said, he either has significant anxiety or postnatal anxiety/depression, either way I appreciate it must be a real pain for you but it must be absolutely awful for him to be living like this. And is clearly also already impacting on your sons development, and will continue to impact in much more significant ways as he grows older. If you can speak to him about it I would ask him to go to the GP and if it’s not something he’ll respond well too I would seek some support from your health visitor or some local mental health supports in your area. Fathers can get postnatal mental health issues too, there is more and more recognition of this now in my local area, although all the supports still seem to be aimed at the mother sadly. To people saying they would leave him I think that’s really harsh, he’s unwell and needs help and support to get better. Good luck x