I’ve had enough of my husband’s precious first born syndrome

[seaborgium]

Sorry this post is so long.

DS is still on purees because DH is terrified of choking. At the moment DH works mornings and I work afternoons. I give DS finger foods while DH is at work but I have to be very careful not to get caught. I got caught giving DS batons of courgette once and DH absolutely exploded and went on a two hour yelling rant about how DS is going to choke to death one day.

He still weighs our chubby cheeked 91st centile 10 month old DS about once a week. His constant paranoia about whether he was gaining enough weight was perhaps understandable in the newborn days when he was struggling to latch but seriously? DH once went into a panic because DS gained less weight than expected and went from slightly above the 91st centile to slightly below the 91st centile - he insisted on formula top-ups but luckily the baby refused the bottle.

DH does’t want DS crawling on the floor because ‘the floor is dirty’. So DS only gets to crawl on the floor when DH is at work, the rest of the time he is only allowed to crawl in his playpen. DS spends most of his time in the baby walker because he gets fed up with the playpen very quickly. He is in the grey zone for gross motor on the 10 month ASQ. We actually have quite a clean floor IMO.

When DS is asleep DH often asks “are you sure he’s asleep and not dead?”. He often ends up waking DS in his attempts to verify that he is still alive. When DS first began rolling back to front DH was constantly waking him up by rolling him onto his back. Some nights DS refuses to sleep in his cot and we end up on a mattress on the floor and when that happens DH is up half the night worrying about whether DS is going to suffocate or get rolled on top of.

DH wouldn’t let me buy a sling until DS was three months old. He said that putting a newborn in a sling is dangerous because newborns don’t have enough head control. DS could already hold his head up when he was born.

For the first 6 months or so DH was jittery every time I picked up DS. He was constantly going on about how worried he is that I might drop DS. He set up a bedroom downstairs so that I wouldn’t have to carry him up and down stairs.

For the first few months DH would not let me take DS for a walk without him because he was scared that we would get run over. Then he relaxed the rules a bit and allowed me to take him to the local park so long as I followed a prescribed route.

I'm wondering if it's worth getting a health visitor to have a chat with him about how this behaviour is impacting on your DC's development, alongside getting help for his anxiety as mentioned by other PPs. I do think you need to give him an ultimatum though. He either gets help or you walk.

Also yes waking ds up from sleep is actually abusive and awful for your poor son. If its coming from a place of anxiety that's different and obviously your dh can't help it but if not that is a huge concern.

How exhausting! GP and counselling for your husband as others have said. All three of you cannot carry on like this.

This is not normal PFB behaviour. That would be something lighthearted and harmless like warming wipes on a radiator before you use them on your baby.

This is dreadful. You are not ‘allowed’ to feed your baby finger food? Or to let him crawl about as he wants and needs to? You can only take the baby out if you walk a certain route? Read back your OP. This is not anywhere normal. This is coercive control of you and your baby and it is horrendous.

He may be unwell with anxiety/depression or whatever. That’s for him to sort out. You need to leave him while he sorts himself out. This is awful OP. Your post has really shocked me.

Contact your HV and see if they can get you some help for dealing with your husbands anxieties.

Wow and you're actually pandering to all this ridiculousness?
Your poor baby is suffering, not allowed to eat proper foods or crawl? Your poor baby.
Your husband sounds very poorly, tell him to see the GP and stop pandering to him

Just to echo others. This is in no way PFB normal. This is seriously wrong and it sounds like your DP needs help.

He is actually causing your child damage by not allowing him to eat a range of textures or build his immune system. You will most likely end up with a sickly, anxious child with eating issues unless you deal with it

Agree either SEVERE anxiety or massively controlling. What's he going to be like when your son walks / runs / falls over ? Will he have to sit strapped into a little chair so he doesn't get hurt?! Obviously I'm being extreme but your son will suffer unless your DH changes.

Stop pandering to his nonsense, it's ridiculous.

His level of concern sounds like anxiety. He should speak to his GP.

But you sound a bit scared of him. Why are you pandering to him and not just let your child eat his finger food at every meal?

Yes is this a reverse?

Because if so, look into PND

This is not precious first born syndrome, he’s sounds very unwell.

He needs to see a doctor.
He is going to make himself physically ill if he carries on like this.

I had massive anxiety when my DD was young (still have a bit now) and I constantly thought she was going to die. Apparently it was part of my post natal depression and I needed medication and therapy.

@seaborgium

Sorry this post is so long.

DS is still on purees because DH is terrified of choking. At the moment DH works mornings and I work afternoons. I give DS finger foods while DH is at work but I have to be very careful not to get caught. I got caught giving DS batons of courgette once and DH absolutely exploded and went on a two hour yelling rant about how DS is going to choke to death one day.

He still weighs our chubby cheeked 91st centile 10 month old DS about once a week. His constant paranoia about whether he was gaining enough weight was perhaps understandable in the newborn days when he was struggling to latch but seriously? DH once went into a panic because DS gained less weight than expected and went from slightly above the 91st centile to slightly below the 91st centile - he insisted on formula top-ups but luckily the baby refused the bottle.

DH does’t want DS crawling on the floor because ‘the floor is dirty’. So DS only gets to crawl on the floor when DH is at work, the rest of the time he is only allowed to crawl in his playpen. DS spends most of his time in the baby walker because he gets fed up with the playpen very quickly. He is in the grey zone for gross motor on the 10 month ASQ. We actually have quite a clean floor IMO.

When DS is asleep DH often asks “are you sure he’s asleep and not dead?”. He often ends up waking DS in his attempts to verify that he is still alive. When DS first began rolling back to front DH was constantly waking him up by rolling him onto his back. Some nights DS refuses to sleep in his cot and we end up on a mattress on the floor and when that happens DH is up half the night worrying about whether DS is going to suffocate or get rolled on top of.

DH wouldn’t let me buy a sling until DS was three months old. He said that putting a newborn in a sling is dangerous because newborns don’t have enough head control. DS could already hold his head up when he was born.

For the first 6 months or so DH was jittery every time I picked up DS. He was constantly going on about how worried he is that I might drop DS. He set up a bedroom downstairs so that I wouldn’t have to carry him up and down stairs.

For the first few months DH would not let me take DS for a walk without him because he was scared that we would get run over. Then he relaxed the rules a bit and allowed me to take him to the local park so long as I followed a prescribed route.

This is abuse

He's going to make you and your son seriously mentally ill. If he won't get help you need to leave.

I agree with everyone else OP, your husband is unwell and needs to see a doctor about his anxiety. It's not healthy for him, you or your son. He's actually stunting his development and his controlling behaviour towards you in terms of what you are and aren't 'allowed' to do is worrying.

That's going to harm your child's development and his future life chances.

It's not PFB syndrome, it's abuse (even if the intent is not consciously malicious).

The first six months he didn’t trust you to carry your own baby. That’s some crazy stuff right there, not sure we would still be together if it were me. He needs serious help. If he refuses then you should leave him. This is not healthy for you or your dc.

This is either extreme anxiety or control masquerading as anxiety. Either way, it has to stop, for the sake of you and your DS.

What happens when you tell your DH no? When you refuse to go along with these insane demands? I think that would reveal much.

He is very unwell, and it worries me that your child is ten months old and hasn't been given the opportunity to develop normally.

You absolutely need to be open and honest with your HV and yes, he absolutely needs to see his GP, but I'm guessing that he won't.

I agree it's abusive, to the child. I had post natal anxiety, I had two babies a year apart and severe Sleep deprivation , needed eyes on the back of my head and it was so so so stressful and I used to panic about them climbing, falling, choking etc. To an extent I think we all worry about these things BUT I didn't stop them doing normal baby and toddler things ! I let them develop and take reasonable risks. As pp have said your DH needs help, or you need to stop him being in control, or both.

Baby walkers not good for development either. Good luck getting him to get help.

Men can also super from perinatal mental health problems and it sounds like your DH is. As part of the bouquet of crap mH I had after DD I was too anxious to drive her in a car, was unable to sleep because I thought she would die etc etc
He really needs some help and support if you can (don’t know how you are feeling yourself)

Good grief poor you and poor DS. Can you get the health visitor to come and talk to him? Advise him that his behaviour is impacting your sons development?

Your husbands anxiety will be way more damaging to ds than some finger food in the long run op. This is way beyond pfb and he needs to see a doctor.