I’ve had enough of my husband’s precious first born syndrome

[seaborgium]

Sorry this post is so long.

DS is still on purees because DH is terrified of choking. At the moment DH works mornings and I work afternoons. I give DS finger foods while DH is at work but I have to be very careful not to get caught. I got caught giving DS batons of courgette once and DH absolutely exploded and went on a two hour yelling rant about how DS is going to choke to death one day.

He still weighs our chubby cheeked 91st centile 10 month old DS about once a week. His constant paranoia about whether he was gaining enough weight was perhaps understandable in the newborn days when he was struggling to latch but seriously? DH once went into a panic because DS gained less weight than expected and went from slightly above the 91st centile to slightly below the 91st centile - he insisted on formula top-ups but luckily the baby refused the bottle.

DH does’t want DS crawling on the floor because ‘the floor is dirty’. So DS only gets to crawl on the floor when DH is at work, the rest of the time he is only allowed to crawl in his playpen. DS spends most of his time in the baby walker because he gets fed up with the playpen very quickly. He is in the grey zone for gross motor on the 10 month ASQ. We actually have quite a clean floor IMO.

When DS is asleep DH often asks “are you sure he’s asleep and not dead?”. He often ends up waking DS in his attempts to verify that he is still alive. When DS first began rolling back to front DH was constantly waking him up by rolling him onto his back. Some nights DS refuses to sleep in his cot and we end up on a mattress on the floor and when that happens DH is up half the night worrying about whether DS is going to suffocate or get rolled on top of.

DH wouldn’t let me buy a sling until DS was three months old. He said that putting a newborn in a sling is dangerous because newborns don’t have enough head control. DS could already hold his head up when he was born.

For the first 6 months or so DH was jittery every time I picked up DS. He was constantly going on about how worried he is that I might drop DS. He set up a bedroom downstairs so that I wouldn’t have to carry him up and down stairs.

For the first few months DH would not let me take DS for a walk without him because he was scared that we would get run over. Then he relaxed the rules a bit and allowed me to take him to the local park so long as I followed a prescribed route.

This is not PFB, your husband has some serious anxiety issues that need to be resolved, otherwise he will end up hindering your childs development.

Has he spoken to anyone about this, if not would he be willing too?

He is actually damaging your son's development now.
Your baby needs messy play, finger foods and floor time. Doesn't matter is floor is a bit dirty
You mentioned ASQ 10 month. Did you take your husband to that appointment? He needs to hear directly from a HCP that your child needs these things.
Does he have any mental health issues?
Also is he controling you?

Your DH is preventing your child from developing normally. At that age he needs to explore normal foods himself and develop his fine motor skills etc in doing so. And how will his gross motor skills develop if he isn’t allowed to explore the world normally. Your DH is holding your child back. As everyone else has said, he needs help with his anxiety. His behaviour is not normal.

Shit, you’re married to me.

He needs to see his GP, unfortunately mental health support on the NHS is incredibly poor and it can take weeks and weeks before you get more than a silly online quiz. Even if he saw the GP tomorrow he could be waiting 3/4 months before what is essentially a booking in appointment. Would finances cover private care, or possibly any private healthcare through work?

When treated well anxiety can be managed really well and no longer has a large impact on your life, for many people it’s a combination of medication, therapy and practical management tools you can apply to certain situations. The hard part of anxiety, and really any mental health condition is that the sufferer often doesn’t know they have it. So if someone told you you have anxiety and you need medical help you would think they were bonkers. Due to the nature of mental illness that is likely how your husband will feel, so do be prepared for that.

I can be fairly batshit where my children are concerned, if my daughter sleeps for more than three hours I feel physically sick as I start to worry that she is dead. What I want to do is wake her up, thats not fair on her, as I manage my anxiety well I can create a mental map of worst case scenario (death) best case scenario (a nice deep sleep) and most likely scenario (she’ll wake up in ten minutes and I’ll be cursing my lack of sleep).

Your husband is very ill, can you not see that? Ive had this severe anxiety too. He needs help

I’m assuming you split your working hours as he would not allow your DC go to nursery/childminder

OP he sounds like he has post natal anxiety.

When my DD had he 12 month check at 10 months the HV asked if DD would eat lumpy foods. She said if DD wouldn’t and would only have puree she would refer him to the hospital.

What does your DH say if you point out the advice on the NHS website regarding weaning? What does your DH say if you point food for labels 10 month old babies and it has lumps in it or it is finger food? Could you speak to you HV and arrange an appointment for both of you where the HV can explain what a 10 month old should be doing and eating?

@KneadingKitty

Your husband is very ill, can you not see that? Ive had this severe anxiety too. He needs help

So have I. It crippled me after DD1 was born. Stems from my abusive childhood and I was so terrified of being like my mother - who didn’t give a shit - that I went the other end of the spectrum and did the most ridiculous things.

Came to a head when she was 3 months old and I screamed at ExDP - we’d never even so much as bickered and all the poor bloke did was take the bottle out of the steriliser without using antibac gel on his hands first

Went to the GP the next day and was referred to Peri Natal and put on some heavy duty meds for 3 months, sent to therapy and was eventually weaned off the meds and fine by the time she was 12 months old.

My friend's husband was like this in every respect. It was (and is) severe anxiety.

Six years later he is just starting to become comfortable in his relationship with his son. They have one child because he simply couldn't cope with another.

The journey has been unbelievably hard on my friend, who has been a solo parent in every meaningful way.

Your husband sounds seriously ill.

It's incredibly damaging for your child to live in that environment where your husbands mental health has such an impact on the both of you.

Surely you don't want to live like this?

I'm afraid your husbands controlling needs to be brought to an end, and it's probably only you that can step up and try and get this dangerous situation resolved.

This is severe anxiety that could hamper your child's development. He should see a dr if it doesn't improve.

My dh was much more of a worrier than me but I stopped indulging him. It was often better to say after the event or just do it. Can't remember the really tiny baby days but I know that he fussed over the removing of the baby gate on the stairs, the change in car seats, ditching nappies and naps, the walking to school alone, the going out on bikes alone etc for much longer than I did so I just let the kids do it as I was home alone with them more.

The point I'm trying to make if he doesn't address it now then there is the potential for it to spiral out of control and you and your child will be the ones to suffer, I would not permit your dh to dictate how you parent if it is that restrictive. That sort of behaviour becomes learned by the child as well. I have seen extreme OCD in a relative and sadly their child now displays similar behaviours.

I was ill like this after I had my second baby. I was diagnosed with OCD. I needed antidepressants, therapy and to be overseen by a psychiatrist..I did get better quite quickly. Please help your DH to get some help. He is probably really miserable.

This is all really crazy and very unhealthy for your child.
I would seriously recommend getting him some medical help. Or just leave him and bring up your child without all this drama.

He needs to try CBT. Most self referral IAPT services fast track this for women in the perinatal period, some might also do this for dads although it’s not a requirement yet.

It’s non negotiable that he gets some help for this, it’s damaging for you all.

This sounds just like severe anxiety. He needs help OP for everyone's sake especially his and your sons

He needs serious mental health intervention. He's going to pass this anxiety along to your son.

Was he like this before you had the child? What work does he do? He needs medical psychological assessment and help urgently. Absolutely unacceptable behaviour and cannot be allowed to continue. Could he be ''tipped over the edge'' do you think? By which I mean completely lose his sanity? It seems to be a continuous nightmare. Only a professional can tell.

My DH is prone to a LOT of these OP.
It’s just his anxiety gone bananas.

He needs to get a prescription from the gp , you need to get your health visitor on side and get the nursery nurse out to help and diffuse.
If DH doesn’t believe there’s any thin wrong with his behaviour , a good and support HVisitor will set him straight and support you both
Most of my visits were spent discussing how insane DH was acting and if it was getting better.
This worked well for us. Nursery nurse helped DH take control of certain baby duties and put his mind at ease
He still wakes to check baby’s alive despite the breathing alarm being on ( Baby is 11 months and doesn’t need it really anymore so I’m weaning DH off if it) and few other things, but often when I remain calm and explain to him that it’s ok, then he relaxes.

Best of luck. He’s not doing it to be controlling ,he obviously can’t help himself. Don’t let it impact anymore of your enjoyment of your baby.

Echoing many others, it sounds like severe anxiety. I have been diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder & recognise many of these worries (choking is a big one for me). Your husband's approach is a lot more severe than mine though. I have tackled my anxiety via medication & various therapies; it's an ongoing battle & I still struggle with health anxiety which affects me daily but I have been referred for a new course of therapy.

It sounds like he has OCD or anxiety or both.

My DP was like this, to a lesser extent. For the first few weeks I wasn't allowed to take DS out by myself because he didn't trust me, he was always worried I would drop him, he had to take me to baby groups and pick me up again. DS wasn't allowed on pavements or grass until he was 6 months old, no one else could look after him alone until he was about a year old.

Practical advice: a risk, but I deliberately spook him in the direction I want. So I told him about the germ resistance from playing on grass, and then he was on board, or about the gross motor skills from walking on rocky surfaces, and so on. Also on the more helpful side, getting him to acknowledge that he has a problem so we can work together to find ways to manage it rather than it being a series of rules. When I got better at laying down my own law I also openly told him I wouldn't do certain things on my "watch", he had to then just put up with it.

My DP got through it and is so much getter now. He will always be on the anxious side, but it's within livable limits now.

Are you ok OP? My situation wasn't as bad but still, for me, it was bad enough that I felt the need for counselling because of the impact on me. I feel so angry and resentful towards him still over it, and angry at all our family for not stepping in and helping me. I put up with it because i was battling my own post natal problems and combined with the sleep deprivation, I was in no position to advocate for myself. I would insist he get counselling before entertaining the idea of a second.

*Wow at all these people saying OP should leave her partner because he has anxiety!+

Imagine for a second a man posted on here about his wife having post natal anxiety (which is exactly what this sounds like) or PND

I completely agree!

I can’t believe how many posters are calling him controlling and telling her to leave.

Many women on here have said they were the same after having a child. Imagine everyone telling their DH to leave her as she’s being controlling.

People with OCD aren't insane or bad. But they do need proper help or it's detrimental to the whole family. I did know I wasn't behaving normally, and I wanted nothing more than to not be so anxious.

Sounds like ocd not just anxiety

Explain to him that by not letting DS develop his chewing skills DS is actually more at risk from chocking. And I say that as someone who is extremely paranoid about weening.

Maybe it would help for DH to know what to do in that situation. Get him to download the British Red Cross baby first aid app. Being prepared might put his mind at rest

I've not read all the comments so I'm sure others have said similar - this is not PFB, this is out of control anxiety, and he's actually starting to harm your son with his behaviour. If your son doesn't start to eat lumpy food, he's more likely to choke. If he's not allowed to crawl on the floor his immune system won't be as strong, and his motor skills will suffer. If he's woken up frequently, then he's not getting the sleep he needs for his brain to develop. Your husband is behaving awfully, and needs medical help.

Your husband is very ill. He needs help. You're not doing anyone any good by going along with it.

This needs a serious chat. He starts therapy and removes himself from decision making over your child or you leave. And if he says no then you need to leave.

Your child cannot grow up like this. If they're not eating proper food yet then they are behind developmentally already. Your child is being held back. You need to step in and stand up to him. He makes no more decisions and has no sole charge of the child until he makes progress in therapy. Find a childminder for his solo time.