I’ve had enough of my husband’s precious first born syndrome

[seaborgium]

Sorry this post is so long.

DS is still on purees because DH is terrified of choking. At the moment DH works mornings and I work afternoons. I give DS finger foods while DH is at work but I have to be very careful not to get caught. I got caught giving DS batons of courgette once and DH absolutely exploded and went on a two hour yelling rant about how DS is going to choke to death one day.

He still weighs our chubby cheeked 91st centile 10 month old DS about once a week. His constant paranoia about whether he was gaining enough weight was perhaps understandable in the newborn days when he was struggling to latch but seriously? DH once went into a panic because DS gained less weight than expected and went from slightly above the 91st centile to slightly below the 91st centile - he insisted on formula top-ups but luckily the baby refused the bottle.

DH does’t want DS crawling on the floor because ‘the floor is dirty’. So DS only gets to crawl on the floor when DH is at work, the rest of the time he is only allowed to crawl in his playpen. DS spends most of his time in the baby walker because he gets fed up with the playpen very quickly. He is in the grey zone for gross motor on the 10 month ASQ. We actually have quite a clean floor IMO.

When DS is asleep DH often asks “are you sure he’s asleep and not dead?”. He often ends up waking DS in his attempts to verify that he is still alive. When DS first began rolling back to front DH was constantly waking him up by rolling him onto his back. Some nights DS refuses to sleep in his cot and we end up on a mattress on the floor and when that happens DH is up half the night worrying about whether DS is going to suffocate or get rolled on top of.

DH wouldn’t let me buy a sling until DS was three months old. He said that putting a newborn in a sling is dangerous because newborns don’t have enough head control. DS could already hold his head up when he was born.

For the first 6 months or so DH was jittery every time I picked up DS. He was constantly going on about how worried he is that I might drop DS. He set up a bedroom downstairs so that I wouldn’t have to carry him up and down stairs.

For the first few months DH would not let me take DS for a walk without him because he was scared that we would get run over. Then he relaxed the rules a bit and allowed me to take him to the local park so long as I followed a prescribed route.

I literally could have wrote this about myself almost word for word.
He needs to get some help.

If he’s waking in the night it’s going to make his anxiety worse.

I brought a mat that goes in my baby’s cot which sounds an alarm if they stop breathing.
I’m not sure what the max age this is for but it might be worth looking into if it helps put his mind at rest.

He's abusing you and your child. Whether it's through anxiety or just being an abusive prick either way he and you and your baby need help. Seek professional help. What is happening in your house is not normal or in any way ok.

The amount of people talking about “pandering” on this thread is why people struggle to get help with MH problems. Some responses are really lacking in empathy.

@Ohmnomnom

He's either suffering from severe anxiety, or he's a control freak that is using your dc to control your every move. If he doesn't agree to a trip to the gp to find a solution for his anxiety then it's probably the latter.

Yeah it's all disguised as kindness.

Does he have any dad friends who can give him a reality check?

Has he had help for his anxiety. This is going to impact hugely on your son in numerous ways, now and in the future. I'm sorry, this must be really hard for you

Tell him you have gone beyond tipping point and his over protectiveness is now causing more harm than good.

It’s the child that needs empathy and for someone to step in and protect him. The grown man damaging the child is perfectly capable of booking a GP appointment for himself.

Does he realise his anxiety is actually going to harm ds? At 10 months he should be allowed to experience a number of textured foods and have the freedom to crawl about and explore. You need to put your foot down somewhere and address him about his behaviour. It’s not acceptable that ds only gets to experience how a normal child lives while his dad is at work. Also, there’s no way I’d let my partner be so controlling about how I parent the baby. You’re both his parents. Your dp’s expectations shouldn’t be law.

Erm wow, what have I just read

This is awful.

He needs serious help and you need to stand your ground and do what's right for your son and you

I think in the nicest way possible that hubby needs to speak to a doctor , he is clearly not mentally well . Is he usually this anxious or just since baby arrived? Not sure how you will get him to acknowledge he has a problem though . Sounds really stressful

Sounds like it's a tad more than pfb, sounds like he's got some serious anxiety issues, he needs to see his gp and discuss this

I agree with all the PPs that this is not just PFB and it could be damaging to your DS. However I think there could be more empathy on this thread for a person who could really be not very well (although I do agree with those who have said it could be abusive controlling behaviour, which obviously does not deserve empathy).

OP - what do you think? Is it anxiety or is he controlling and abusive?

He sounds crazy

JFC that sounds exhausting for you @seaborgium. Your husband needs to see a doctor. That is way, way beyond normal levels of anxiety.

I say this as a mother who had anxiety in that first year. I had always had anxiety, but having a child brought it to its peak. Your husband needs to see his GP.

While it seems terrifying, It is a surprisingly simple visit. He tells the doctor he is having anxiety and obsessing over certain things. Doctor says let’s try a low dose of a commonly used medication. Odds are your husband tries it and it’s enough for him to now see what he was doing. From there, he will be able to tell GP if it is enough or if he needs another med, dose, or treatment. Some people don’t respond to that initial trial, but it works for many people.

My DH was/is a little like this. But nowhere near as bad. I have always put it down to the fact that his younger brother had leukaemia in childhood and was very ill (but thankfully survived and is now in his forties) and unsurprisingly MIL is completely ott about any minor ailment which has massively rubbed off on DH. My advice would be to tackle it now- encourage him to seek counselling etc. I have never directly tackled it and it has caused big problems in our marriage whenever the DC are vaguely unwell. Our DS was born very prematurely and dealing with DH’s (understandable) anxiety levels were perhaps more difficult than dealing with the situation itself. Has your DH got anything in his past that may have given him this sort of anxiety?

Just to add OP our son was quite poorly his first year and didn't wean when everyone else's baby's were doing the normal weaning foods . He had to have a dysphagia specialist who told us that because he didn't learn to chew or have textures at the right developmental age , he would struggle . She was right, he was on pediasure from the hospital until he was 7 and even now age 15 is good averse with textures he can't quite tolerate . So actually your husband is impeding his development . That's the long reaching consequence of his severe health anxiety 😟

This is anxiety. Probably good idea to get checked by a dr, including blood tests to ensure everything is in order.

Wow at all these people saying OP should leave her partner because he has anxiety!

Imagine for a second a man posted on here about his wife having post natal anxiety (which is exactly what this sounds like) or PND

Please try to convince him to get help as it must be incredibly stressful and upsetting for all of you

Hes not well OP ... sounds like delusion at best

Also feeding him baby food will soon mean he is under fed and potentially malnourished does he not understand that? past 1 year old they NEED food and proper food to learn how to eat, chew etc.

He needs to know that what hes doing is dangerous

What happens if you refuse to indulge him? If he comes in and finds your child crawling on the floor? Or if you take him on a non-pre approved route on your walk?

This is not "precious first born" syndrome OP, it's either huge, irrational anxiety from your DH or it's abusive. Or both. He needs to see a GP because waking a 10 month old several times a night to check they are not dead is not normal.

He is mentally ill, probably delaying your DC's milestones/skills, and unduly controlling your life @seaborgium . Do you ever think 'fuck it' and not follow the prescribed route once you're out of sight? Or would he watch where you are on a phone or something?

He needs evidence-based help, with his GP as first port of call/phone appointment. He could get it the same day.

And this is no life for you. xxx

This isn't PFB behaviour, it's a mental health problem which is now affecting your child's development.

Contact your HV tomorrow and request a visit to discuss his anxieties before he affects your child even further. It's your job to protect your child.

Contact your HV in the first instance op and explain how he is behaving.
Please get him some help before it starts to affect your child’s progression.