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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH and diabetes driving me mad!

233 replies

Justateweetabix · 20/02/2022 09:59

My husband was diagnosed with diabetes about 8 years ago.
He's never taken it seriously and at every diabetic review has had a telling off from the nurse! He's promised to change his ways but nothing much has ever changed.
He's just had this years test results back. The nurse has told him his results are 'through the roof' and his cholesterol is 8.0 (very high).
He eats a lot of fatty food and stopped taking his statins about a year ago because they were giving him joint pain.
He's on the highest dose of metformin he can take.
I've just had enough. All I can see in my future is being widowed or being his carer. He's 8 years older than me and starting to look a bit ill and haggered.
He was given the results on Thursday. He bought a bottle of wine home on Thursday night and ate hot dogs out of a tin.
We had a long talk on Friday night about how he needs to make drastic changes and he agreed and promised.
Fast forward to yesterday, I caught him eating biscuits the kitchen, he'd had 3.Then for dinner he suggested getting a kfc!!
He just doesn't get it send I'm sick of being the food police 😒
And yes I know we shouldn't have these things in the house but we have a teenager. I don't buy puddings or chocolate. He eats his main meal at work and has now admitted that he eats a pudding there every day too.
I can only do so much. I cooked him a healthy dinner last night but he left the salad, just ate chicken and jacket potato.
Leaving is not really an option financially but it's what I feel like doing. Diabetes has already destroyed our sex life (inpotence) and it could destroy our lives too if he let's it ...
Sorry if this was long and rambling !

OP posts:
bunfighters · 20/02/2022 10:09

How is leaving not an option? It's always an option. Perhaps you need some couples counselling, or counselling on your own, so you could unpack what is going on and the way forward for you. He has autonomy over his body and you over yours... but you don't have to stay with him if you feel the future is so bleak.

Mumof3confused · 20/02/2022 12:04

He needs to sort himself out! My dad was like this. Also 8 years older than my mum. Uncontrolled diabetes for a long time. Now he has heart disease and kidney disease. He’s housebound and has had a really shit 20+ years of not being able to travel or so much due to pain/poor health. His health was all within his control and he chose not to do anything about it. He only gave up smoking aged 70 when his GP refused to refer him for an operation unless he gave up.

I’m sorry this does not help you but I am absolutely fuming on your behalf. He does not only have himself to think about. If I were you I’d pack my bags and save myself if I’m completely honest. I’ve seen your future.

Photolass · 20/02/2022 12:08

Can he eat a low carb diet? Does he want to change, because he is the only one who can do it.

Original poster
Justateweetabix · 20/02/2022 13:34

@Photolass carbs are his favourite thing! I can't see him giving them up or even understanding why he had to! I think I'm realising that he doesn't want to change

OP posts:
Original poster
Justateweetabix · 20/02/2022 13:36

@Mumof3confused thank you for sharing your story. It's exactly how I see my future, which is very depressing!

OP posts:
Original poster
Justateweetabix · 20/02/2022 13:37

@Mumof3confused he's recently had a kidney stone and infection so is having investigations. Yet he still drinks at least a litre of diet coke a day!

OP posts:
Justilou1 · 20/02/2022 13:38

He’s a big baby isn’t he? I would find being married to a baby a giant turn off. I would suggest he gets counselling to address his relationship with food. Ask him directly why he wants to die.

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 20/02/2022 13:41

I completely sympathise OP, my DH was diagnosed about 15 years ago and behaves in a similar manner.
He’s developed other health conditions as a result but still carries on in his own sweet way. There’s sweet FA I can do, I have come to the conclusion he’s either oblivious to everything professionals have told him or he’s stupid.
I have told him he has to live with the consequences. It’s completely illogical to me!

Thoosa · 20/02/2022 13:45

Just FYI “the highest dose of metformin” is, I think, 2g a day and that’s not some appallingly high level of medical treatment. Some people live permanent in n that with stable blood sugar. It’s also often the basis for a two tablet therapy.

They probably would be looking at putting him on a dual medication therapy and maybe trying a different statin if he would just engage with them.

So don’t panic about what’s possible or his meds level (neither are anything to worry about). You do need to worry about his attitude.

Would some kind of shock work? Has he been on the diabetes education courses some (all?)trusts seem to run?

I think you’re well within your rights to make it clear you don’t know if you can stay and watch him destroy himself.

Original poster
Justateweetabix · 20/02/2022 13:45

@YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp do you not get annoyed that he's not the only one that has to deal with the consequences? That's my main annoyance

OP posts:
Keepitrealnomists · 20/02/2022 13:49

He needs to stop hurting his head on the sand and being in denial. He needs to get some help and manage it and of he doesn't I would leave. Your likely to be a widow before long anyway so I wouldn't waste your time. He will do what he wants regardless of how you feel.
I say this as someone who had a parent who refused to do anything about it for 25 years and now has many health issues, including blindness, circulation issues, kidney issues, lack of mobility and many more. It was all in their control to sort out and now because of their selfishness I might aswell not have a parent!

Saysama · 20/02/2022 14:00

Fast forward to yesterday, I caught him eating biscuits the kitchen, he'd had 3.Then for dinner he suggested getting a kfc!!

What did you say to this? What do you say when he is drinking a litre of coke every day? And what is his response?

Mirrorball2022 · 20/02/2022 14:05

@Mumof3confused

He needs to sort himself out! My dad was like this. Also 8 years older than my mum. Uncontrolled diabetes for a long time. Now he has heart disease and kidney disease. He’s housebound and has had a really shit 20+ years of not being able to travel or so much due to pain/poor health. His health was all within his control and he chose not to do anything about it. He only gave up smoking aged 70 when his GP refused to refer him for an operation unless he gave up.

I’m sorry this does not help you but I am absolutely fuming on your behalf. He does not only have himself to think about. If I were you I’d pack my bags and save myself if I’m completely honest. I’ve seen your future.

My dads in a similar position in regards to his health. His past lifestyle choices are absolutely now affecting him day to day and is health is rubbish. His diabetes type 2 is poorly controlled and although he is better with eating etc he now needs more and more meds.

People often feel ok but by the time their lifestyles catch Up with them as they age it’s too late. @Justateweetabix it sounds like your husband is one of those people, in denial at how much this is going to take out of his health and pretending its not happening and will do away. Not much you can do if he won’t take responsibility for himself as an adult.

T00Ts · 20/02/2022 14:06

If he carries on like this he’ll have a heart attack and a stroke to look forward to at worse, and blindness and amputated feet at best. How can he be such a complete fool?

Original poster
Justateweetabix · 20/02/2022 14:13

@Thoosa yes he's on 2g metformin plus jardiance and looking at trying a new statin. They didn't know he had stopped taking it as he hasn't had a review for 2 years. He has been on the diabetes education course a few years ago.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 20/02/2022 14:16

Don't waste your life on someone who doesn't give a fuck about themselves. He doesn't have much thought for you, either. I'd be done. What a waste of a life.

Original poster
Justateweetabix · 20/02/2022 14:17

@Saysama the biscuits he said were because he felt his sugars were low. I told him to test his blood which he did, his sugars were high. I told him if his sugars WERE low just one biscuit would do it. He's always drunk a lot of diet coke. The kfc I just rolled my eyes and walked off! I feel like a nagging wife and he even calls me the food police. I just can't let it go on like this.

OP posts:
Saysama · 20/02/2022 14:23

I’m just thinking that, as you don’t want to leave, you’re going to have to have a lot more conversations around this than you seem to be having. So, don’t walk away or shake your head, ask him what he’s doing, why he’s doing it and address the fact that he’s being irresponsible. Make him explain himself. Every time.

“You’re calling me the good police, but we have discussed this. So why have you just drunk a litre of Diet Coke?”

This obviously sounds very unappealing, but if you’re not going to leave him, it’s what you have to do. Either that or silently watch him kill himself.

Slashtrophe · 20/02/2022 14:23

I have type 1 diabetes which I manage very well - and all of your judgements make me feel ill. Do you have any empathy or understanding for him at all? Do you think nurses 'telling him off' is a good thing that will make him respond well? Clearly it doesn't work. A bit of encouragement might.
If he's drinking diet cola surely that is a good thing compared to full sugar cola.
Many people struggle to adapt to a chronic disease and some of that is lack of support at home.
Do you think if you got diabetes you'd just completely change your lifestyle easily?

Thoosa · 20/02/2022 14:29

[quote Justateweetabix]@Thoosa yes he's on 2g metformin plus jardiance and looking at trying a new statin. They didn't know he had stopped taking it as he hasn't had a review for 2 years. He has been on the diabetes education course a few years ago.[/quote]
Grief, he’s a huge PITA then,

Sex strike?

Seriously, if you’re getting dragged into food police role, I would step back from that, in fact do a full 180 and split the food budget 2:1 so that you can buy for you and DS and he can get on with killing him self on his share.

Think about it for a few days and dream about the most confronting “I’m washing my hands, you’re going to die” approach you can. It’s all you’ve got left short of splitting.

Thoosa · 20/02/2022 14:31

@Saysama

I’m just thinking that, as you don’t want to leave, you’re going to have to have a lot more conversations around this than you seem to be having. So, don’t walk away or shake your head, ask him what he’s doing, why he’s doing it and address the fact that he’s being irresponsible. Make him explain himself. Every time.

“You’re calling me the good police, but we have discussed this. So why have you just drunk a litre of Diet Coke?”

This obviously sounds very unappealing, but if you’re not going to leave him, it’s what you have to do. Either that or silently watch him kill himself.

Honestly, I don’t think that will work. As long as OP his his mum, and the diabetes nurse is his auntie, he gets to be the naughty schoolboy and remove himself from responsibility. His choice, but I would dump it all back firmly in his lap.
Thoosa · 20/02/2022 14:36

One more thought, maybe make sure he knows that remission is possible and lots of people achieve it. Ditto plain old fashioned good blood sugar control. If he doesn’t fully appreciate that, maybe he thinks it’s all hopeless.

I’d probably just find a documentary on YouTube and watch it loudly in front of him rather than try to spoon feed him information, though.

RagzRebooted · 20/02/2022 14:38

I really feel for You, OP. So many people just aren't receptive to making the changes needed. They may well feel that dying in their 70s rather than 90s isn't a bad thing, but I always stress the greater possibility of living with really poor health for decades. That has a much greater impact on your life, because it's rubbish and depressing and means you can't enjoy retirement.

I review patients with diabetes as part of my job, in my experience it is always more successful to make it personal. Ask then what they want to do with their lives/retirement etc and explain how choices and hard changes now will make a huge difference later on. Some people never seem to engage though and we jaut see them year after year and nothing we say or do gets through. It's incredibly frustrating as many people just expect you to keep throwing medication at the problem rather than do anything themselves.

On the other hand, it is incredibly rewarding when the message gets through and see really positive changes. Usually more likely if caught at the 'pre-diabetes' stage, but people do still manage it later on. They just have to really want to...

In your situation OP, I'd be considering divorce quite seriously. I have no desire to be a carer for someone for decades and have my retirement plans ruined, just because they won't take care of themselves.

GeneLovesJezebel · 20/02/2022 14:39

You’re not his mother, he needs to grow up and take this seriously, or you will be his carer.