DH and diabetes driving me mad!

[Justateweetabix]

My husband was diagnosed with diabetes about 8 years ago.
He's never taken it seriously and at every diabetic review has had a telling off from the nurse! He's promised to change his ways but nothing much has ever changed.
He's just had this years test results back. The nurse has told him his results are 'through the roof' and his cholesterol is 8.0 (very high).
He eats a lot of fatty food and stopped taking his statins about a year ago because they were giving him joint pain.
He's on the highest dose of metformin he can take.
I've just had enough. All I can see in my future is being widowed or being his carer. He's 8 years older than me and starting to look a bit ill and haggered.
He was given the results on Thursday. He bought a bottle of wine home on Thursday night and ate hot dogs out of a tin.
We had a long talk on Friday night about how he needs to make drastic changes and he agreed and promised.
Fast forward to yesterday, I caught him eating biscuits the kitchen, he'd had 3.Then for dinner he suggested getting a kfc!!
He just doesn't get it send I'm sick of being the food police 😒
And yes I know we shouldn't have these things in the house but we have a teenager. I don't buy puddings or chocolate. He eats his main meal at work and has now admitted that he eats a pudding there every day too.
I can only do so much. I cooked him a healthy dinner last night but he left the salad, just ate chicken and jacket potato.
Leaving is not really an option financially but it's what I feel like doing. Diabetes has already destroyed our sex life (inpotence) and it could destroy our lives too if he let's it ...
Sorry if this was long and rambling !

@Sexnotgender yep. Horrific. She had lung problems and a bad heart so the anaesthetic would have killed her. She never looked after herself and died young

you need to go on the course - Desmond for type 2s I think it is or whatever your area offers - you both go.

Re cholesterol it helped me bring my rates down from 6.4 to 5.2 JUST using the little benecol drinks - so consider that - or try their yoghurts if he will eat yoghurt.

To be honest it is becoming clearer that low carb is the way to go to control diabetes AND lose weight. A glass of red wine is fine now and then as is A puudding - although depends on what it is - sponge and custard vs dark low carb chocolate mousse type of thing. But its like alcoholics - only when their mind is inthe right place can you move forward and he is still in denial. And yes self sabotage is also common and I am guilty of that to be honest.

its very different to being a heroin addict - you cant go cold turkey on food (oh the irony)

And its not all abut just giving up sugary things either

you have to manage sugar levels to be consistent, then work on reducing them - so bringing in slower release carbs to balance things, reducing the amount of carbs getting the protein and veg balance right - replacing higher carbs with lower - so swede and coarrot mash better than mash etc. Baked potatoes aren't great either to be honest - best is new or boiled

My friend was diagnosed a 24 with type 1 and was dead at 26 as he didn't listen to advice. DH had to break down his door and find his body then tell his mother. It was horrendous. Your DH is being stupid and selfish.

I have to say the medical advice is really mixed from really poor to excellent - but th excellent is few and far between there is alot of victim blaming goes on but my view is that there is a type that get t2 (Dr in the past always used to call it the disease of the fat fair and 40) there are strong links with PCOS and their is I believe a high link with genes although current medical belief is that this is not the case - but it definitely runs in families and some of that is lifestyle - other I am not convinced. Both my Parents were t2. Dad at 50 and Mum in mid 60s. My Mum spent her life mithering my Dad about his weight etc then died of vascular dementia du e in part to t2 diabetes she couldn't manage v well.

I think research in the next 10 years will show we have been very wrong about how we treat and advise diabetics will be intresting to see what happens

t1 and t2 are two diferent diseases

I've seen diabetic patients who don't listen, turn up to an appointment, I go to do a foot check and their toe falls off. Actually a few who it wasn't their first toe falling off.

Diabetes is a scary, overwhelming disease and I'm not one to be namby-Pamby about things but it is hard.

OP I do genuinely feel for you.

I’m wondering if you can afford a month or 2 of Dexcom. Libre won’t work because he’ll have to flash his phone and he won’t want to. Dexcom will give instant readings to his phone of his sugars. It might shock/motivate him?

I find it incredible that he has abused himself to the point of impotence. It’s mind boggling.

You can not make him change you can only decide how much you will put up with or can live with.

See if he can get back on the diabetes course and ask the nurse if rather than tell him off they can offer to help him address the illness. How overweight is he?

I had a family member who died in her late 60’s, she was around 50 when diagnosed and ultimately it was down to complications of unmanaged and uncontrolled T2 diabetes over the years. She was started with diet, then metformin, then insulin. Basically her organs just failed.

Diabetes is a serious disease but so many seem to be under the impression that they can fix T2 at any time they want to, until it’s too late.

[quote Justateweetabix]@Slashtrophe I was hoping for a comment from someone who actually has diabetes. I appreciate it. I have encouraged and supported him for years. He's doing a lot of his bad eating away from the home.

The diet coke issue is that he was told he needs to drink lots of water, he drinks none. Its the caffeine in coke that's bad for kidneys and dehydrating in this case.
And I eat pretty well[/quote]
Get him some literature on neuropathy, he will end up in constant pain if he doesn't get his sugars under control. He needs to test his blood through out the day and see what effect what he eats has on it. I though I couldn't eat grains such as lentils, quinoa etc for so long then realised they stopped my hunger and kept my levels down. Took me a trip to the hospital all wired up and ketoacidosis to start taking it seriously. I'm on the highest metformin, insulin 3 times a day in 6 injections and a separate weekly shot. 4 years ago I was hiking and now I'm in a wheelchair most of the time. Hate I can't do too much before my body rebels.

@hashbrownsandwich

I've seen diabetic patients who don't listen, turn up to an appointment, I go to do a foot check and their toe falls off. Actually a few who it wasn't their first toe falling off.

Diabetes is a scary, overwhelming disease and I'm not one to be namby-Pamby about things but it is hard.

OP I do genuinely feel for you.

Dear god, what the fuck 😱

My DH lived in denial with his diagnosis for years and, sort of, got away with it. Over the past two years his health has started to suffer, including some neuropathy. He found it hard to accept having type 2 (and still does) because he isn’t overweight, has always eaten a reasonably healthy diet, non-smoker etc. He was given the diagnosis in a pretty insensitive way, very patronising, all kinds of lifestyle assumptions made. Anyhow, I’m trying to ensure we both have a good diet. He’s on medication now but side-effects aren’t pleasant. It’s tough and I feel for you, OP.

@Craftycorvid

My DH lived in denial with his diagnosis for years and, sort of, got away with it. Over the past two years his health has started to suffer, including some neuropathy. He found it hard to accept having type 2 (and still does) because he isn’t overweight, has always eaten a reasonably healthy diet, non-smoker etc. He was given the diagnosis in a pretty insensitive way, very patronising, all kinds of lifestyle assumptions made. Anyhow, I’m trying to ensure we both have a good diet. He’s on medication now but side-effects aren’t pleasant. It’s tough and I feel for you, OP.

I thought it wouldn't harm me. I was healthy, exercised. So stupid of me. Now I pray I haven't done too much damage.

Impotence is really common even in well controlled diabetics so Agatha's mind boggling is misplaced.

Place marking, unfortunately.

DH is just diagnosed and I’m looking in to it. Also 20 years plus married blah blah

Also place marking. Somewhat similar situation to you, OP. I can never seem to get him on my side.

Best of luck for us then

Good grief...you're only 47yrs and already you've got this worry.

I couldn't be with someone who was unable to put being around for their child (and wife) as long as possible over their love of carbs tbh.

I've lost about 3st so far, mostly through low carbing, and daily exercise. Not yet enough to come off the drugs, but they should be reviewed soon.

@Slashtrophe

I have type 1 diabetes which I manage very well - and all of your judgements make me feel ill. Do you have any empathy or understanding for him at all? Do you think nurses 'telling him off' is a good thing that will make him respond well? Clearly it doesn't work. A bit of encouragement might. If he's drinking diet cola surely that is a good thing compared to full sugar cola. Many people struggle to adapt to a chronic disease and some of that is lack of support at home. Do you think if you got diabetes you'd just completely change your lifestyle easily?

I know it's not nearly so bad but I was diagnosed with coeliac disease in my 20s and from that day have managed to never knowingly eat anything with gluten in it. It is primarily my responsibility to look after my health so I can be a productive member of my familiy and wider society and minimise the burden I place on the health system. It fucking sucks sometimes to have to be so strict and it is unfair - frankly much moreso than in the case of someone who has arrived at this position due to lifestyle - but you have to just get on with it. I'm afraid most of my sympathy is for the OP

@Justateweetabix - I wrote before and my comment was reactive and emotional because I am dealing with exactly the same with my FIL, who has T2 diabetes, is obese and has a colostomy after having most of his bowel removed due to T4 bowel cancer. (Also largely lifestyle related.). After his surgery, chemotherapy and radiation, he lost a LOT of weight. He was in a rehab hospital to regain physical strength, learn how to manage his colostomy and understand his new diet. (Vitally important when you are missing so much of your bowel as you don’t absorb nutrients and obviously… risk of mess, infection, etc…) The up side was, that he reversed his T2 diabetes and came off all those meds. The circulation in his feet improved and the skin on his legs looked great, etc. (They were making him walk and do Physio, too!) As soon as he went home, he was back to eating family packs of crisps and two packets of biscuits per day, etc… He is as big as he was, back on his diabetes meds, and of course suffering from nutrient deficiencies and complaining that his stoma keeps creating giant messes. None of it is his fault, of course.
I am studying nursing. (Midlife crisis???) Guess who gets called in to fix things all the time? I’ve had to put my foot down and refuse to go to his house (lots of reasons, he’s a hoarder and lives over an hour away, etc…) and hope that our version of SS will step up eventually. I now only visit him in hospital.
Further to this, something you need to think about (especially given your FIL’s vascular dementia) is that there are studies suggesting a new T3 category of diabetes which is a diabetes-specific link to Alzheimer’s Disease.
www.nature.com/articles/srep25589

@Slashtrophe

I have type 1 diabetes which I manage very well - and all of your judgements make me feel ill. Do you have any empathy or understanding for him at all? Do you think nurses 'telling him off' is a good thing that will make him respond well? Clearly it doesn't work. A bit of encouragement might. If he's drinking diet cola surely that is a good thing compared to full sugar cola. Many people struggle to adapt to a chronic disease and some of that is lack of support at home. Do you think if you got diabetes you'd just completely change your lifestyle easily?

It is the OP who needs empathy as she is the one posting.

After 8 years I think it is safe to assume that this man has had a lot of encouragement and not just tellings off!

Many people struggle to adapt to a chronic disease...this disease is also affecting the OPs life, is she getting support at home?

Many people do change their lifestyle easily, once they know that they must.
He was diagnosed 8 years ago so it's not like it's a month after diagnosis and he hasn't been given a chance to change.

If he lost a leg or his sight then the OP would be expected to change her lifestyle easily if she's still around!

”He just doesn’t get it…”

Oh, he gets it. He simply doesn’t care.

You should probably reset your priorities.
I’m very sorry.

@RB68

its very different to being a heroin addict - you cant go cold turkey on food (oh the irony)

And its not all abut just giving up sugary things either

you have to manage sugar levels to be consistent, then work on reducing them - so bringing in slower release carbs to balance things, reducing the amount of carbs getting the protein and veg balance right - replacing higher carbs with lower - so swede and coarrot mash better than mash etc. Baked potatoes aren't great either to be honest - best is new or boiled

Most people can't go cold turkey on heroin either RB68. Withdrawal has severe side effects, far far worse than the side effects of quitting bad food. Severe vomiting and diarrhoea can lead to dehydration or death or they can self harm and commit suicide.

They also often have to strongly resist the urge to use in the future which for some is torture.

Generally if someone sticks to a healthy diet and habits for a period of time and gets their body working well again most of the cravings will stop, they can have a binge here and there, or have some unhealthy food and they're not going to be back to square one like they would be if a heroin addict went back on heroin!