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Original poster

DH and diabetes driving me mad!

233 replies

Justateweetabix · 20/02/2022 09:59

My husband was diagnosed with diabetes about 8 years ago.
He's never taken it seriously and at every diabetic review has had a telling off from the nurse! He's promised to change his ways but nothing much has ever changed.
He's just had this years test results back. The nurse has told him his results are 'through the roof' and his cholesterol is 8.0 (very high).
He eats a lot of fatty food and stopped taking his statins about a year ago because they were giving him joint pain.
He's on the highest dose of metformin he can take.
I've just had enough. All I can see in my future is being widowed or being his carer. He's 8 years older than me and starting to look a bit ill and haggered.
He was given the results on Thursday. He bought a bottle of wine home on Thursday night and ate hot dogs out of a tin.
We had a long talk on Friday night about how he needs to make drastic changes and he agreed and promised.
Fast forward to yesterday, I caught him eating biscuits the kitchen, he'd had 3.Then for dinner he suggested getting a kfc!!
He just doesn't get it send I'm sick of being the food police 😒
And yes I know we shouldn't have these things in the house but we have a teenager. I don't buy puddings or chocolate. He eats his main meal at work and has now admitted that he eats a pudding there every day too.
I can only do so much. I cooked him a healthy dinner last night but he left the salad, just ate chicken and jacket potato.
Leaving is not really an option financially but it's what I feel like doing. Diabetes has already destroyed our sex life (inpotence) and it could destroy our lives too if he let's it ...
Sorry if this was long and rambling !

OP posts:

Ttcfinalbub · 20/02/2022 16:32

You can't force him the change has to come from him and I genuinely don't think many men take this type of thing seriously or think ot makes them weaker so do as they please anyway but maybe try show him some later case scenarios explain your worries to him both health wise and relationship

LIZS · 20/02/2022 16:40

Kfc is the least of your problems, it is not as "bad" as you may assume. Fizzy drinks, portion size, carbs are all high risk factors. How often does he check his levels or is it just the hbac1 test? Also be aware Jardiance can mask high blood sugar levels and complications. In the end you cannot control what he chooses to eat and drink, but you can control what shopping you buy and cook.

RantyAunty · 20/02/2022 16:44

It will take something drastic for him to want to change.

Right now it's all good because he does what he wants.

I believe I'd give him an ultimatum about it. 6 months to get serious with it or you're leaving.

user1481840227 · 20/02/2022 17:12

@Anothernick

I'm shocked at the uncaring responses here - my DW also has t2 diabetes and is not controlling it very well. I told her when she was diagnosed that I would encourage her to eat healthily and I do not routinely cook or eat sweet food in the house but I am not the doctor or the food police, constant nagging would just undermine our relationship and have little or no effect on her behaviour. As an ex-smoker I know how hard it can be to give up things you like even when you know they are damaging, I am both concerned about my DWs future and understanding of the difficulty of changing the habits of a lifetime. But I would not consider leaving her for such a reason, that would be callous in the extreme.

I think it's just as uncaring and callous when people won't address their issues even though they affect the rest of the family too.

anywinewilldonow · 20/02/2022 17:31

Get him to watch "Fixing Dad"? It's available on Youtube. Very inspirational.

Sexnotgender · 20/02/2022 17:34

I’m not sure I could live like this.

How old are you? Do you have children?

Anothernick · 20/02/2022 17:46

But we all take risks that could land us needing care, or dead, earlier than people who don't take such risks. I ride a bike, drink alcohol, sometimes climb ladders to work on the house - all of which create risks which would not arise if I didn't do these things. Probably these risks are lower than my DWs diabetes but the principle is the same.

BoodleBug51 · 20/02/2022 17:52

I'm t2 diabetic OP and was diagnosed around 10 years ago. Slowly I've lost 3 stone, am on 1g of Metformin a day and a BP tablet but low dose. I walk an hour and a half every day with the dogs, and try hard to not eat too much carb. It's not easy, it's a battle every day to be honest. I love love love food. But my Dad is also T2 diabetic, and insulin dependent. He's going blind, and I just don't want to be the same.

My own DH has got a multitude of health complications, and doesn't look after himself well. He eats junk food non stop, even though I never buy it. But that's his perogative. I have made it very very clear that at no point in the future will I be his carer in anyway shape or form. His actions, his consequences.

Slashtrophe · 20/02/2022 17:58

Perhaps read this too:
forge.medium.com/the-uncomfortable-psychology-of-medical-victim-blaming-567ff0c9d0fc

Results in diabetes aren't great because its much easier to blame the patients than look at whether the services are good enough. All the HCPs commenting on here should be ashamed of their sanctimony. Until you've been in that position you don't know what its like, and no gestational doesn't count, because it is a temporary condition. You may well go on to develop T1 or T2 anyway after that.

Duchess379 · 20/02/2022 17:59

Ugh - my mum was diagnosed with diabetes in her 50s & didn't control it properly. Ate what she wanted, intermittently took her insulin, just thought it was all a big exaggeration by the Dr's. Then she had 3 mini strokes in 2017, topped off with heart failure & a triple heart bypass. The past 5 yrs have been very hard as I'm now her carer. She's learning to walk again after the stroke weakened her right side.
Your hubby really needs to take it seriously or he will lose a lot more than comfort food. Good luck 💕

Mumof3confused · 20/02/2022 18:29

Yes @Slashtrophe gestational diabetes is different but it puts you at much higher risk of developing T1 or T2 later. The point is, you can do everything possible to reduce your risk factors.

Gassylady · 20/02/2022 18:29

Slastrophe it is not sactimonious of the OP to not want to be looking after her other half when he needs ferrying to dialysis three times a week, cant drive because of his damaged eyesight and possible reduced number of lower limbs. It is rather selfish of him to be aware of and ignoring the consequences

Original poster

Justateweetabix · 20/02/2022 18:32

Thank you all for your comments, it's given me a lot to think about. Will reply tomorrow, he's here at the moment

OP posts:

Original poster

Justateweetabix · 20/02/2022 19:02

He's gone for a bath, I can reply now!
Something I should add is that his own father has diabetes but has always looked after himself pretty well. He's now in his 70s in a nursing home with severe vascular dementia.
I don't consider myself sanctimonious or controlling, I suppose I'm just trying to control my own future rather than his.
He just doesn't care, and that's hard to digest.
Of course he's the only one who can decide what he does from now on but I need to protect myself. I'm 47.
A couple of people mentioned the sexual side of things. He has seeked help, taken tablets but these things don't work anymore.

He's seeing a urologist but the sexual side our relationship has just gone. We don't bother anymore and that's really sad.
I don't want to be his housemate or mother. I want to be his wife, who doesn't worry about what he's eaten, and he sex with him every now and again.

I think I'm going to gather my thoughts this week and have it all out, warts and all!

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 20/02/2022 19:08

[quote Justateweetabix]@YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp do you not get annoyed that he's not the only one that has to deal with the consequences? That's my main annoyance[/quote]
Would he like to meet my friend's DH? He's just had his leg amputated. It was just below the knee the first time but he couldn't manage the prosthetic leg so he's had a second op to take it above the knee

catfunk · 20/02/2022 19:08

Op I honestly would leave if he won't change. Low carb is good for diabetes but consult a doctor/ dietician before making any drastic changes.
My mother spent 10 years as my fathers carer as a result of life changing disabilities from heart disease and diabetes, until she found him dead in bed one morning. It's no life for either of you.

Sexnotgender · 20/02/2022 19:09

I think I'm going to gather my thoughts this week and have it all out, warts and all!

Do you love him? Really love him?

You get ONE shot at this life, is this how you want to spend yours?

Orangesox · 20/02/2022 19:14

Honestly I would leave in this situation, and I very much doubt that I would hesitate to do so.

My mum (a nurse of all things) was like this with her diabetes and associated bloods (cholesterol etc)… ultimately it killed her less than 3 weeks ago as she went into sudden acute heart failure and suffered a cardiac arrest. She was 61, and I am so so angry with her for having the sort of attitude that your husband has towards his health.

He won’t change for you; he’ll only do it if he wants to do it for himself.

Sexnotgender · 20/02/2022 19:14

@Orangesox

Honestly I would leave in this situation, and I very much doubt that I would hesitate to do so.

He won’t change for you; he’ll only do it if he wants to do it for himself.

I’m so sorry for your loss

I can understand your anger, I’d probably feel the same.

Original poster

Justateweetabix · 20/02/2022 19:23

@Orangesox
I am so sorry for your loss. I worry about the anger I will feel - instead of grief - if anything like that were to happen to my DH.
@Sexnotgender I do love him but this has diminished over the years and I'm worried it will continue to do so. I don't think I've ever admitted that to myself before.

OP posts:

Barbarolo · 20/02/2022 19:29

I’m a t2 diabetic, diagnosed about 8 years ago with a strong familial history of it. Exactly the same medication as your DH.

I find that Metformin makes me crave carbs and ‘bad’ foods badly and could be driving his poor choices. Jardiance makes you horribly thirsty but as long as it’s diet drinks with some water here and there, he should be ok - plenty of fluids to lessen the risk of thrush and UTI’s. T2 diabetes also gives me horrible FOMO and although I know I shouldn’t eat sugary and carb-heavy foods, I do, especially if I’m feeling miserable.

I feel for you and your DH, but only he can decide to make the changes he needs, and all of the nagging/cajoling in the world won’t help unless he’s happy doing it. Just keep leading by example.

Some t2 diabetics subscribe to a high fat/NO carb diet which is supposed to be really successful www.diabetes.co.uk/diet/low-carb-high-fat-diet.html that may be worth a try.

Good luck OP and to your DH.

Sexnotgender · 20/02/2022 19:33

I do love him but this has diminished over the years and I'm worried it will continue to do so. I don't think I've ever admitted that to myself before.

It’s hard watching someone destroy themselves.

You’re not a bad person if you don’t want to stick around and watch him self destruct.

anothernamedoesntsmellsosweet · 20/02/2022 19:37

My MIL didn't listen to advice and ended up with a lower leg amputation and then still didn't listen so had the second one done and because she had so many other health issues as a result she had to have it done under local/spinal block so listened to them cutting her bones. Tell him that!

Sexnotgender · 20/02/2022 19:41

@anothernamedoesntsmellsosweet

Oh god that’s awful! An amputation with spinal block 😱😱

Daenerys77 · 20/02/2022 19:52

If he were a heroin addict, would you have put up with it for eight years?

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