DH and diabetes driving me mad!

[Justateweetabix]

My husband was diagnosed with diabetes about 8 years ago.
He's never taken it seriously and at every diabetic review has had a telling off from the nurse! He's promised to change his ways but nothing much has ever changed.
He's just had this years test results back. The nurse has told him his results are 'through the roof' and his cholesterol is 8.0 (very high).
He eats a lot of fatty food and stopped taking his statins about a year ago because they were giving him joint pain.
He's on the highest dose of metformin he can take.
I've just had enough. All I can see in my future is being widowed or being his carer. He's 8 years older than me and starting to look a bit ill and haggered.
He was given the results on Thursday. He bought a bottle of wine home on Thursday night and ate hot dogs out of a tin.
We had a long talk on Friday night about how he needs to make drastic changes and he agreed and promised.
Fast forward to yesterday, I caught him eating biscuits the kitchen, he'd had 3.Then for dinner he suggested getting a kfc!!
He just doesn't get it send I'm sick of being the food police 😒
And yes I know we shouldn't have these things in the house but we have a teenager. I don't buy puddings or chocolate. He eats his main meal at work and has now admitted that he eats a pudding there every day too.
I can only do so much. I cooked him a healthy dinner last night but he left the salad, just ate chicken and jacket potato.
Leaving is not really an option financially but it's what I feel like doing. Diabetes has already destroyed our sex life (inpotence) and it could destroy our lives too if he let's it ...
Sorry if this was long and rambling !

@Anothernick

But we all take risks that could land us needing care, or dead, earlier than people who don't take such risks. I ride a bike, drink alcohol, sometimes climb ladders to work on the house - all of which create risks which would not arise if I didn't do these things. Probably these risks are lower than my DWs diabetes but the principle is the same.

It's not the same principle at all!!

People can't wrap themselves in cotton wool and not live their lives to prevent all risks.

If someone climbs a ladder to do DIY their partner will generally be appreciative and grateful for it, personally I think it's a very attractive trait in a man. If someone lost their partner to an accident off they fell off the ladder they might well say "I wish he'd never went up on that ladder" but unless an accident occurs then there's likely to be no issue at all and it doesn't cause upset or frustration, it's the opposite.

Alcohol can be ok or it can be problematic.

Some people like a drink, they're fun when they drink, drinks adds some kind of value to their life, it's not an issue.

Then there are others who drink alcohol and are causing serious problems in their relationship or with their health, in that case it does become an issue and their partner will often be upset, frustrated, angry or disgusted.

What about a continuous glucose monitor like a Dexcom G6?
I wear one. It's very easy. He could pretend he didn't know what is blood sugar is then.

The diet coke issue is that he was told he needs to drink lots of water, he drinks none.

This is absurd. It can be genuinely difficult to stick to a diet or exercise regime, but it is not difficult to drink a glass of water a few times a day. And why would prioritise eating puddings above the possibility of being able to have sex with his wife? I'm afraid I would take that as a personal insult.

I am so sorry you're going through this

People behaving like this, is almost like they have made their decision on life and if you ask me it's a selfish one.

You need to express the importance of his actions and his decisions not only on himself but to you and your child.

Some actions that might help are counselling and hiring a nutritionist. Maybe when he realises that he's just throwing money out the window if he doesn't follow the plan, he will actually respect and follow it.

[quote Justateweetabix]@Photolass carbs are his favourite thing! I can't see him giving them up or even understanding why he had to! I think I'm realising that he doesn't want to change[/quote]
I'm not sure if I've missed something here, but why wouldn't he be able to see why he had to give them up? Is his understanding of a plain explanation inhibited in some way?

Refusing to change his eating habits is one thing, but if he's got you convinced that, for some reason, he is incapable of understanding that he has to, and you are trying to cater for this lack of understanding and are at the end of your rope, that's co-dependency.

He sounds depressed. Diabetes is depressing without constantly being told your body will fail.

After nearly 15 years of type 1 diabetes (where I been very lucky in having okish control), the best things I found that helped me control my diabetes was a doctor. He is now retired. But he showed emphaty and told me it was OK, to get random bumps. I wasn't a pancreas and I would never be one.

I just needed to do things to the best of my ability with the information I had then.
He then said how can I help you. After few suggestions I had my normal blood test and it turned out I developed hypothyroidism.
I took the thyroxine and I was then able to reduce insulin and get in control of my diabetes again.

I don't know how to encourage your dh. I know sometimes my mood goes down and I start thinking what is the point in trying to be good, when things out of your control influences blood sugar. For example, infections (first covid infection I had to reduce my insulin drastically (I did all and my second covid infection I had to increase drastically) and life stressor.

One thing that increases my insulin sensitivity is early morning walks. If I walk or exercise 30min before or after breakfast, the rest of the day I have to reduce my basal rate. Well I have to do it two days straight for the sensitivity to change.

Would he be interested in morning gym? Or walks?

I now view my diabetes like a hyperactive young toddler, who you need to keep a constant eye on. Consistency is key, in keeping them safe but expect the unexpected.

@Bananarice

He sounds depressed

Where have you got that from? OP has said nothing about him that resembles depression, as far as I can see. She's said he ignores medical advice and eats lots of carbs and sugary food even though he has diabetes. That's not depression.

Big contributor to dementia too. And he has a family history. Scary times ahead.

I'm back. We've talked but I don't think he really understands, he thinks that now hes being careful with what he eats its all OK. He's testing his blood regularly now which he never did before.

I'm just still so annoyed with him that he's let things get to this stage.

@Watchkeys I once said to him he needs to cut down on his carbohydrates (whilst he was eating a chip sandwich ) he said 'what's carbohydrates?'!

So when you tell him what carbohydrates are, what does he say? I'm baffled by the dynamic he has here with people. What about when doctors explain things to him, does he say he understands, but then claims not to understand to you, when it comes to implementing what the doctor said?

I mean, there's nothing to understand, here. If he's eating a chip sandwich, and you say 'That's carbohydrates, and it's dangerous for you to eat', how does he respond? A 3 year old would understand. Is he claiming a learning disability? Is he sounding deliberately flippant when he says he doesn't get it?

Yes he is deliberately flippant. He understands, he's been on the diabetes awareness course, he's had all the leaflets, I've told him. He knows.
He just wants to eat what he wants to eat and take his chances I think.

That actually makes it easier because it clears the waters. He's made his decision.

You have to decide whether you can live with it, rather than trying to change it. It's not up to you. The only options for you are whether to 'stay and accept' or 'leave because you can't accept'.

He's an adult. Tell him the position you're in, and let him respond. Rather than telling him what he should be doing, tell him what you will do. 'If you keep doing this, I won't be staying in the relationship'

Boundaries are being crossed, currently. You are trying to tell him what to do, in order to maintain your own boundary. Boundaries are something you set for yourself, not for other people.

I'm sorry.

From his point of view everything is gone now because he's not eating puddings or biscuits.
I've told him my position, that I'm going to take a step back because I feel like I've then on the mother role.
I've told him I don't want to become a widow or his carer and to protect myself from that I would leave. Its all down to him now.
It's just the odd little comments that annoy me. Last night he came home from work and said he nearly brought a bottle of wine but he didn't want to get into trouble!

*fine not gone

I don't know whether you are in the area but there is a doctor called Dr David Unwin twitter feed who takes the time to treat diabetics and inform them how diet can reverse it.

He does have a network of GPs now across the country who are implementing the same treatment (diet not drugs) and it may be worth trying to get him to see such a doctor. I think that may be the only way to get him to understand that he is literally killing himself very slowly.

It would piss me off too OP. I don't judge you at all for your feelings on this.

I would have another chat and tell him the comments have to stop. That his behaviour and attitude are killing your love for him and it's only his power to change.

Our relationship with food is one of the first relationships we make. It's hugely complex. I watched a family member ignore medical advice because food was one of the major joys in their life. It's hard and it seems so simple but it's not like smoking etc where you can choose never to do the thing at all.

He needs to connect with his fear. He's avoiding it, pushing it out of his mind, continuing behaviour that makes him feel like things are normal and gives him pleasure. I would sit him down and ask him if he's scared and if not why not? Pushing him with anger will just increase his avoidance. I think counseling is a good idea. At the very least you will have more information about how resistant he is to change. Sometimes we can say things until we are blue in the face but an outside person just reflecting what we have said back to the other person can have more effect.

@Justateweetabix

From his point of view everything is gone now because he's not eating puddings or biscuits. I've told him my position, that I'm going to take a step back because I feel like I've then on the mother role. I've told him I don't want to become a widow or his carer and to protect myself from that I would leave. Its all down to him now. It's just the odd little comments that annoy me. Last night he came home from work and said he nearly brought a bottle of wine but he didn't want to get into trouble!

Well you are definitely in 'mean mommy taking my treats away' mode in his eyes. I'd be getting to the bottom of that and putting a stop to it. Although I'd have long since left him to be honest OP, he sounds kind of a twat. What are his good points? If you met him now, would you marry him?

I work with patients with diabetes and ischaemic heart disease (they often go hand in hand) and honestly speaking with some patients nothing you say or do will change them, they just don’t have the desire or drive, they’re unwilling to make any lifestyle changes or if by some miracle they do they’re very minimal and/or they don’t stick to them, they either accept the risks or go into some form of denial because that makes their poor choices easier to deal with.

You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves, he has all the information, knowledge and support and is still making bad choices, so at this point I think you either need to accept this is who he is and he’s unlikely to change or leave.

@Justateweetabix

From his point of view everything is gone now because he's not eating puddings or biscuits. I've told him my position, that I'm going to take a step back because I feel like I've then on the mother role. I've told him I don't want to become a widow or his carer and to protect myself from that I would leave. Its all down to him now. It's just the odd little comments that annoy me. Last night he came home from work and said he nearly brought a bottle of wine but he didn't want to get into trouble!

He really is making the situation into a mother/petulant child role isn't he?

[quote Watchkeys]@Bananarice

He sounds depressed

Where have you got that from? OP has said nothing about him that resembles depression, as far as I can see. She's said he ignores medical advice and eats lots of carbs and sugary food even though he has diabetes. That's not depression.[/quote]
Diabetes does affect mood significantly. One of the things that they do on the diabetes clinics is give patients a chart to record smiley or happy faces etc . They want patients to be able to see that their food intake affects their mood. My EX H was a shocker with moods before he was diagnosed and even after as he was cheating eating the wrong stuff.

@ChickenStripper

Diabetes does affect mood significantly

There's no indication that this man's mood is affected.

I think it's really hard to be diagnosed with diabetes, and the idea that you're no longer able to do/eat what you want. I refused to acknowledge it for 6 months after my diagnosis.

For me it was the realisation that I didn't want to get the complications of diabetes that made me take it seriously.

I think there's only so much you can do OP. You've laid it on the line - he's either going to take notice or not. Even after all this time he might be feeling completely overwhelmed by it, but at some point he needs to wake up to it all.

Having diabetes is crap, you can feel ground down by it - especially when you do everything right & still can't get things under control.

My diabetes team is now offering time with a psychologist to help deal with it all - is something like this available to him?

Something to consider, OP, is that if you want to leave, you will find it easier now than waiting until he starts to lose mobility or becomes disabled, for whatever reason (toes falling off, blindness, whatever).

If you stay and he doesn't change you may feel unable to leave if he becomes dependent on you for everything. When that happens your resentment will rocket, and you will feel trapped.

You are not his mother/nanny/servant. You are not repsonsible for his choices, but you could become responsible for the consequences.

Thanks for all the comments. He's got his follow up diabetes appointment tomorrow so will see how that goes. I might suggest he asks for extra help, but don't really see why I should suggest anything!
He does suffer with depression and has been on antidepressants since before he was diagnosed with diabetes.