DH and diabetes driving me mad!

[Justateweetabix]

My husband was diagnosed with diabetes about 8 years ago.
He's never taken it seriously and at every diabetic review has had a telling off from the nurse! He's promised to change his ways but nothing much has ever changed.
He's just had this years test results back. The nurse has told him his results are 'through the roof' and his cholesterol is 8.0 (very high).
He eats a lot of fatty food and stopped taking his statins about a year ago because they were giving him joint pain.
He's on the highest dose of metformin he can take.
I've just had enough. All I can see in my future is being widowed or being his carer. He's 8 years older than me and starting to look a bit ill and haggered.
He was given the results on Thursday. He bought a bottle of wine home on Thursday night and ate hot dogs out of a tin.
We had a long talk on Friday night about how he needs to make drastic changes and he agreed and promised.
Fast forward to yesterday, I caught him eating biscuits the kitchen, he'd had 3.Then for dinner he suggested getting a kfc!!
He just doesn't get it send I'm sick of being the food police 😒
And yes I know we shouldn't have these things in the house but we have a teenager. I don't buy puddings or chocolate. He eats his main meal at work and has now admitted that he eats a pudding there every day too.
I can only do so much. I cooked him a healthy dinner last night but he left the salad, just ate chicken and jacket potato.
Leaving is not really an option financially but it's what I feel like doing. Diabetes has already destroyed our sex life (inpotence) and it could destroy our lives too if he let's it ...
Sorry if this was long and rambling !

You don't have to suggest anything op. It is not your job to fix him.

I just assumed you wanted possible reasons for why some people self harm (not taking medication and doing things that elevate sugar constitute self harm). You don't need to stand by him and watch him self destruct. He is an adult with capacity and can care for himself or put in place plans for paid carers.

On a side note, how is he with his diabetic health care professionals? They have a lot of power, whether they deny it or not. Some like using scare tactics, which won't work with a lot of people. I know, I certainly shut down when all they want to focus on is what complications I may or may not suffer.

I much prefer and enjoy going to my normal doctor, who asks basic polite questions. Then examines my blood glucose readings, for any patterns and makes suggestions accordingly. I learn a lot from them and they are highly intelligent.

They don't judge and if they do, they hide it really well. They help and give useful information.

Back again. Things have been OK but not brilliant. It's been a tense couple of weeks so we went out for dinner last night.
Things were going well until the waitress asked if we wanted to see the dessert menu. I said no thank you- I never have a pudding anyway. He said yes please!
He had a look, saying 'well I have been good all week' .
When the waitress came back and asked if we would like dessert, he told her he wasn't allowed and then looked straight at me as if I was forbidding him from having one.
I then explained to the waitress that he's diabetic.
I have realised that he always does this. Always looks at the dessert menu and always says 'I'm not allowed' instead of no thank you.
Its ridiculous. All he has to say is no thank you !!
Also today he went for breakfast with his son, I later asked what they had. He'd had two slices of white bread with marmalade. There really is no hope but at least now I know!

Does he realise that both diabetes & Metformin can cause kidney disease & he is caught in a vicious cycle of his sugar levels are rising, more metformin, more kidney damage. Has he been offered any further drugs or going on insulin so he has more leeway in what he eats within limits?

@Nat6999 he was put on jardiance a couple of weeks ago on top of metformin. He has already had a kidney infection and stone which led to a scan but have never had the results and he hasn't chased it up.

In September last year my best friend died age 55 from diabetes related disease, she was nearly blind, had lost one leg & was gradually having more & more chopped off the other one, her body eventually just gave up & she died having spent a year in hospital bed blocking until she got a council bungalow after her first amputation. She had no life for her last 5 years.

@Nat6999 so sorry for your loss. He is a similar age. This is what I dread but he just doesn't seem to get it.

Is there any sort of support group he could/ would join? I think he needs to face the reality of diabetes. How about joining the Diabetes UK? www.diabetes.org.uk/
Friend of mine was diagnosed probably 12 years ago now. We all thought she’d gone a bit OTT at the time as she became the authority on diabetes, read everything, attended everything. Knows the carb content of every food going, she can go on a bit, but she’s not been ill in those years, seems very healthy and has great results every check up.
I hope your husband will come round.

You need to take a step back. The occasional dessert or white toast is ok , as long as he is sensible the rest of the time. By bringing it up on such occasions it just inflames the situation. You cannot do this for him. Either he takes responsibility or he risks losing his health and/or family.

Leave him. My dh is a type 2 diabetic, although he is now on insulin. For years he ignored it all, he would go to the doctor and to the check ups, accept the medication and then just throw it in the bin. He occasionally made a token effort to change his diet but nothing serious.
He cannot walk because of the ulcers on his feet, he is losing his sight and can no longer drive, he has heart failure and kidney failure. He is 47.
We have three dc and I am trapped.

I agree, leave him. He’s not going to change for anyone.

Unless his death in service is good, then fill the cupboards with sugary food & wait for nature to take its course.

@Elisheva

Leave him. My dh is a type 2 diabetic, although he is now on insulin. For years he ignored it all, he would go to the doctor and to the check ups, accept the medication and then just throw it in the bin. He occasionally made a token effort to change his diet but nothing serious. He cannot walk because of the ulcers on his feet, he is losing his sight and can no longer drive, he has heart failure and kidney failure. He is 47. We have three dc and I am trapped.

That is truly shocking, for someone to throw their own life away like that and create that situation for you and their children....I think I'd have murdered him before he had the chance to die of diabetes related illness. The latest figures on obesity, predicted diabetes rates, etc at a global level are terrifying, large proportions of people are eating themselves to death by any other name and what are those who aren't to do about it? Care for them? Pay for it? Don't particularly care if I am accused of being fat-ist.

Ex was T1 from very young. Drank like a fish, ate what he wanted. I knew this before we got married. I assumed he would eventually wise up.
In his 40's his eyesight started to go, he went on statins, his kidneys packed up. We had dialysis 3 times a week. I was jabbing glucagon in his arse just as often.
No sex life, he hardly spoke to me. I was his carer.
I left when we were in the middle of blood tests to see if I could be a kidney donor. The nurse asked if I knew his awful ex wife was divorcing him. I pointed out that would be me.
I had no life, he'd worn me down, I couldn't understand how he could be so selfish.
We stayed friends, he would visit his dogs. I met my dh and had a child and he would bring her chocolate when he came to see the dogs. He had a kidney transplant and went back to drinking and partying.
He died 4 years after I left of a heartattack. He wasn't even 50. I wasnt surprised.

I got out while we still had a friendship and it was amicable.

he probably has undiagnosed eye issues and. diabetic neuropathy
These can lead to blindness and amputation. If the diabetic neuropathy spreads - which is sounds like its doing as its at waist level now then heart problems are in the future.

Do you want to be his nurse an long term carer as this is what's in your future.

I suspect he's in denial in which case there's no hope. Either for his health or you if you stick with him.

You gettting out might bring him to his senses or he might give up altogether.
If he gives up its not your failt

Id be walking if I were in your position

my dsis was so annoyed that her dh wasnt taking his diabetes seriously, heart issues also
when he had a stroke she was so annoyed.

I'm back. Nothing has changed, surprise surprise.
He's not eating so much sugary stuff but he's just eating crap, crisps, chips, sausage rolls, fried foods, white bread.
The drinking of diet coke has got worse and he's not drinking any water (this was an important instruction on his new tablets to prevent bladder and kidney infection). Oh and he's 'forgetting' to take his tablets sometimes.
I've given up and am making a plan to leave but it won't be easy and I know he won't understand it.
I'm just so fed up with being in mum role all the time. The no sex doesn't help with that, and I've realised that there's just no attraction there anymore.
Anyway I've got that off my chest, just needed to write it down, it helps!

Fair enough. I think you have every right to leave.

Leave, or you'll end up the carer of a blind, 1 legged, impotent man.

Or he'll just drop dead.

Diabetes is not to be taken lightly. I could not live with the uncertainty, anxiety and fear this brings.

I think he has left you with little choice OP, he is showing total disregard and contempt for his own health and for you. I am angry on your behalf. And of course at the cost to the health services of his wilful neglect of himself.

You’re as important as him and need to take care of yourself

I'm sorry @Justateweetabix but I think you were always going to end up having to make the choice, leave him or be his carer. He clearly won't take on board the seriousness of diabetes, not taking his pills, filling up on sugar and carbs whilst making you the bad guy. Maybe you leaving will be the reality check he needs. For what it's worth I think you've made the right choice, he's had years to come to terms with it and done nothing. Leave befire he gets ill or will be so hard for you to go

What exactly is it that he won’t understand, though? It’s incredibly straightforward! Have you told him everything you’ve said in this thread? Just bluntly laid it out? If not, I really think you should.

So sorry you’re dealing with this.

@Hausa yes have spoken many times over the years and about 3 weeks ago when he got his latest test results. He knows

I'm really glad to read you are leaving, because you have two situations ahead of you.

One is, he dies.

Two, which is much worse, is that he becomes ill, incapacitated, and you are left looking after him like someone I know.

She was 25 years married and he was very overweight, diabetic.
She spent the last 15 years begging him to change, do some exercise, stop eating constant junk food, cut down on alcohol etc.
He just wouldn't listen.

He collapsed at a neighbours BBQ and had a stroke.
He is in a wheelchair now and she was his carer for a year...she took a leave of absence from her much loved successful career.

She was so angry and resentful.
He is now in a residential setting at 59 and will remain there.

Her deciding that he had to go there caused a lot of upset in his family.
They felt that she should resign her job that she loves and sacrifice her life to care for him full-time.

She is 53 and decided after doing it for a year that she had enough.

She had begged him for years to eat the healthy food that she cooked for the family but he just didn't care.

She was not prepared to give up her life to care for him full-time.

Funnily enough her two young adult children have been very sympathetic to her, having borne witness to her years of asking him to take care of himself.

One year of being a carer made her realise that their marriage was dead and that she was not prepared to sacrifice the rest of her life considering she had tried her best.

She was not prepared to have her life destroyed as a consequence of HIS choices.

I agree with her.
As do her friends.

Her husband was a nice man but very selfish.
He was under medical care and never took any notice of what his doctor said.

He has brought great grief to the whole family.

I believe he is hugely regretful and was in shock for a long, long time, at his new reality.

Get out now and save yourself.

Also putting a bit of distance between your teen and your husband is wise.

This is no different than you refusing to sit and watch him drink himself to death.

I appreciate some believe in sickness and in health.

In this instance I believe it doesn't apply.

Get out before he drags you down with him.
This is not going to end well.

My dad was exactly like your DH. His eye sight really deteriorated so he couldn't drive and had loads of health problems and died age 66. I honestly don't think you can change your DH and it doesn't sound like he wants to change himself.