DH and diabetes driving me mad!

[Justateweetabix]

My husband was diagnosed with diabetes about 8 years ago.
He's never taken it seriously and at every diabetic review has had a telling off from the nurse! He's promised to change his ways but nothing much has ever changed.
He's just had this years test results back. The nurse has told him his results are 'through the roof' and his cholesterol is 8.0 (very high).
He eats a lot of fatty food and stopped taking his statins about a year ago because they were giving him joint pain.
He's on the highest dose of metformin he can take.
I've just had enough. All I can see in my future is being widowed or being his carer. He's 8 years older than me and starting to look a bit ill and haggered.
He was given the results on Thursday. He bought a bottle of wine home on Thursday night and ate hot dogs out of a tin.
We had a long talk on Friday night about how he needs to make drastic changes and he agreed and promised.
Fast forward to yesterday, I caught him eating biscuits the kitchen, he'd had 3.Then for dinner he suggested getting a kfc!!
He just doesn't get it send I'm sick of being the food police 😒
And yes I know we shouldn't have these things in the house but we have a teenager. I don't buy puddings or chocolate. He eats his main meal at work and has now admitted that he eats a pudding there every day too.
I can only do so much. I cooked him a healthy dinner last night but he left the salad, just ate chicken and jacket potato.
Leaving is not really an option financially but it's what I feel like doing. Diabetes has already destroyed our sex life (inpotence) and it could destroy our lives too if he let's it ...
Sorry if this was long and rambling !

High blood sugar makes me crave carbs really badly.

I'm type.2 diabetic and really struggle.with my mental health. It's not that I want to be like this.

He may be feeling the same.

@Thoosa I personally don’t think questioning him, making him engage rationally and requiring him to explain his actions (which is what I’m suggesting) is mothering him or allowing him to abdicate responsibility.

[quote Saysama]@Thoosa I personally don’t think questioning him, making him engage rationally and requiring him to explain his actions (which is what I’m suggesting) is mothering him or allowing him to abdicate responsibility.[/quote]
Maybe I’ve misread but I get the impression that’s what OP has been - lovingly - doing for years and he doesn’t seem to have responded. If so, it’s tough love time, I think.

@Slashtrophe I was hoping for a comment from someone who actually has diabetes. I appreciate it. I have encouraged and supported him for years. He's doing a lot of his bad eating away from the home.

The diet coke issue is that he was told he needs to drink lots of water, he drinks none. Its the caffeine in coke that's bad for kidneys and dehydrating in this case.
And I eat pretty well

He just wants other people to be responsible for it doesn’t he. I think you have to step back. “Ok you’re never going to get an erection again and you’ll die young but that’s the way you want it”

@midlifecrash

He just wants other people to be responsible for it doesn’t he. I think you have to step back. “Ok you’re never going to get an erection again and you’ll die young but that’s the way you want it”

…… and I’ll divorce you before I become your carer.

It's not your job to manage his food, his medication, his various health conditions. That's for him to do. You enable his neglect of himself if you do it for him. He has a very common condition, with widely available support, and good outcomes if he chooses to manage it well. But he has to do it.

You're on the right track, asking yourself if the relationship is healthy for you, rewarding for you? Is it respectful to you, being with this person? Is it what you want for your future? If not, take a deep breath, and start making plans to leave. Love to you, OP.

I know someone similar to this, died last year age 57, he had lost his sight and some of his extremities 😢

Ok good. He can ask for a different brand of statin if he has pain from it - they normally start you on whatever is cheapest

Does he feel his efforts are pointless?

Does he resent having to change his food? Could he just change some?

The telling off patient/patient in denial is a very difficult and unhelpful dynamic. Short term wins are normally more motivating.

Sounds like you need to be quite blunt with him OP, as hard as it is.

When my mental health is bad I'm rubbish at controlling my t2. I was diagnosed almost 20 years ago I know the things I need to do but it's hard to do it. I had a scare 2 years ago there are some significant changes in my eyes and I could lose my sight its very scary the thought of never seeing my children's faces again terrifies me,
He needs to realise for himself unfortunately you can't do it for him.

I’m so sorry, I’m a type 2 diabetic and from experience there are 2 types of people, those who take control of the disease and do everything they can to kick it to remission without medication (or very low dose) and those who do nothing and let the medication take care of it. He had to want to change, you can’t force him. But you don’t have to stick around and watch him slowly kill himself.
There are other medications available what has his DN suggested?

My mum was you 25 years ago OP. Dad was diagnosed with an illness that he could have done something about in the early days but he chose not to. She is now 77 and his full time carer. All her retirement plans have been cancelled and she can’t leave him alone for more than a couple of hours. You need to do what’s best for you if he won’t take responsibility for his own health.

Carbs - the more you eat them, the more you crave them. I know someone who was obese and got diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. He cut all carbs out and lost loads of weight, totally reversed it and not diabetic anymore. It can be done, however, he is the exception and more usually you can be banging your head on a brick wall trying to instill change. It's a lifetime of bad habits that causes it in the first place, people who make healthy choices don't tend to develop it. You are fighting an uphill battle and it's not looking good that it's one you can win if having impotence isn't enough to make him want to change, is anything going to?

You are right to be concerned, maybe the lack of sex doesn't bother you as you may well not fancy him anymore anyway, in which case it's more like a co-habiting situation than a marriage. Your choice is when and if you should split - I'd say you should. Either when your teen is more independent or sooner, whatever suits you and makes you happy. Definitely before you get to being his carer.

I'm shocked at the uncaring responses here - my DW also has t2 diabetes and is not controlling it very well. I told her when she was diagnosed that I would encourage her to eat healthily and I do not routinely cook or eat sweet food in the house but I am not the doctor or the food police, constant nagging would just undermine our relationship and have little or no effect on her behaviour. As an ex-smoker I know how hard it can be to give up things you like even when you know they are damaging, I am both concerned about my DWs future and understanding of the difficulty of changing the habits of a lifetime. But I would not consider leaving her for such a reason, that would be callous in the extreme.

To those who are saying it’s mean or callous to want to leave a partner in this situation, each to their own but I would not want to repeat my parents life which could have been so lovely and is now just sad, stressful and boring.

These partners are walking themselves into an early grave and what’s worse, their partner facing 20+ years of life as a carer and unable to leave for a break, even for a night to visit the grandkids, since they can’t be left alone even for one night in case they have a hypo. They have a choice and they choose to put this life sentence on you. The damage is irreversible, once they have lost limbs, eyesight, kidney function and needing dialysis. Lots of people might dream about a retirement full of travel and new experiences, well that won’t happen for many of these people.

I have had gestational diabetes several times and controlled it against all odds with diet and lifestyle. I still live a low carb lifestyle and keep on top of my blood sugar as well as weight, since all of my family are diabetics and I want to keep my vitality into my old age. I think it’s extremely disrespectful to partner and children to not make necessary lifestyle changes. If motivation is difficult there are lots of options - clubs, support groups, counselling, hypnotherapy…

OP - unfortunately there is nothing you can do to make him want to look after himself better.

The only way forward is to detach yourself emotionally. Continue with your life independently. Ensure you have a good pension, savings etc. Build up your own social life away from him.

As the diabetes overtakes his body, he will start feeling unwell. That's not your problem but his to deal with.

I sound very callous but ultimately he will end up with vascular disease which will affect mobility and maybe lead to amputations.

However at least you will have an independent life away from him when this happens.

Just because you're married, you don't have to become his default carer.

I too feel like pp slashtrope. You seem to be lacking empathy on how crap it is. Although he does sound closed off and a bit of a baby. As a type 1 diabetic, since birth, I get told off in clinic most times, despite trying everything and being very diligent.
Why don't they simply up his metformin or offer a insulin injection aswell. Simples. They should be doing more, as should he.

Btw reversing type 2 rarely happens after 5 years. And I drink tonnes of water, tea, and Diet Coke.

Why is he being so bloody selfish. I'm an NzhS podiatrist and spend my days trying to save the legs of people like this. It's a thankless and endless task and I hate watching people lose their legs bit by bit and still they drink, smoke and eat rubbish. Then it's the family who isn't looking after them

To those 'shocked at uncaring responses' people -

OP's husband is not newly diagnosed and in need of a wee bit of support from family joining in healthy meals, etc. It's been 8 years of him refusing to follow medical advice, refusing to make basic lifestyle changes, of deliberately letting his health deteriorate. Of allowing it to negatively affect every aspect of his relationship with OP, and expecting her to sacrifice her own happiness and future. That's an abusive relationship.

My lovely BIL (age 50) has badly controlled diabetes and has put on another 2 stone since lockdown. He also has high BP & cholesterol and has had a TIA. My DSis believes he selfmedicates his emotions with food (difficult childhood) and she is at her wits end and, like you, so frustrated with his nonchalance about his health. She shops healthily for them both (no unhealthy snacks in the house, lowcarb etc), cooks from scratch and has tried everything (hypno, nagging, tough love etc). He's a secret eater (she finds wrappers in his work car /bin and stuff on his credit card bill) and she sadly believes he won't stop until he's killed himself with food. It's so sad that someone we all love dearly won't help himself to a longer healthier life with his family.

I would also struggle to support him further as he seems unwilling to even attempt to make any changes to try and improve his situation for himself. Please ensure your own financial independence and do not feel that you have to stay together - no fault divorce is coming. As a pp has suggested perhaps split your food budget.

I conduct diabetic reviews and reading your post unfortunately I could relate what you've said to several patients.

Realistically the short answer is, until he's ready to change, he won't.

When you say his cholesterol is 8, do you mean his total or his Total:ratio? Agreed though, either way is high.

I spend ALOT of my time discussing statins with both diabetic and non-diabetic patients. If he feels he is having side affects he really does need to speak with either his diabetic nurse whoever is in charge of his care at his surgery. We can change the statin dosage or discuss alternative statins, there's lots available.

One thing I note is you mention your sex life has stopped. Is this due to him not being able to maintain an erection and/or lack of sensation for him? This is something we commonly hear so please be assured you are not alone and there are medical options that can help if he is willing to.

In terms of you though, he really does need to wake up. Unfortunately the diagnosis of diabetes is not pleasant for the patient bur often times the family of the patient are also dealt a blow too. I'm going to re-read your post to see if there's anything else I can offer x

[quote Justateweetabix]@YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp do you not get annoyed that he's not the only one that has to deal with the consequences? That's my main annoyance[/quote]
Yes, I have pointed it out too!