Is anyone else terrified of dating?

[freckles999]

This is genuine.

I am scared of dating. Why? Well..

1. Getting hurt (again).
2. Dealing with abuse.
3. Cheating.
4. Being murdered.

Okay! So I know the last one is a but out there, but I've been hooked on real life crime shows for years and I've seen one too many killed by their partner investigations, not only that, I've literally just seen a tiktok about this man who stalked his ex to the gym where she went and stabbed her 75 times in her car in the gym car park!

Being a single woman living alone, you can never be too careful, and you don't know what anyone is capable of.

Any advice on how to lose this genuine fear, otherwise I'll be single forever.

@FluteSongs

I'm not young, no. I am 46.. not far off 47.

@Ceriane

Isn't it just so scary!?

I am on dating sites and I got a load of abuse because I didn't want to meet up after 2 messages! What is that all about!? I was called a fucking time wasting c word. So rude and unnecessary.

Yes! Not for the same reasons but more rejection for me would hate to get excited about something only to be rejected. Spose we all have to "face our fears" otherwise we don't move forward with our lives.... says me single for 3years not been anywhere close to a date 😅

Yeah so naive and sanctimonious to trot out a reliable statistic around policemen beating their wives. Oh I'm sure the poor dears just reported them for fun - projection much @FluteSongs? And it is a well known fact that violent abusive men tend to get in positions of power over people where they can hurt them as part of their job, just like sex offenders like to get in with scouts ect. It's purely coincidental.. Not!

What app are you on OP? I met my ex who I married on Hinge? Wonder if you need to fit your demographic more? Or get on Meetup.com, join in anything that feels like fun and who knows you might end up meeting the love of your life after discovering a load of new interests. Maybe if you didn't think of it as dating you'd meet some great friends and one of those friends might develop into something more.

Oh I’ve been called a time waster as well, also called rude and harsh by some dickhead as I didn’t want to go straight to Whattsapp after 3 messages and the worst is a female friend who is settled with her first and only boyfriend since she was 19 constantly tells me I never give anyone a chance and am too fussy and just want someone with “no flaws” very easy for her to run me down for being single when she has no idea of the enormity and reality of my fears about dating!!!

I think more than a couple of us are worried about the reactions of an ex, to us dating, which is rather sad. And I blame him, and his abusive behaviour, for making me afraid of other men (he was perfectly nice at first, though in retrospect there were some minor warning signs). I don't watch 'real crime' programs, so it's nothing to do with that.

Any advice on how to lose this genuine fear

Self esteem. If you have high self esteem, you can walk away from any poor treatment (even if it's sudden after a period of them being utterly lovely) and know you'll be ok. You can accept that you might get hurt and that if you do, you'll be fine. You'll be able to leave at the first sign of abuse, so you'll know that you'll never need to deal with an abusive relationship again. You'll be able to walk away the second you find out they cheated, with your head held high, and without any crushing blow to how you feel about yourself.

Work on your self esteem until you're in a position where you know that nobody can crush you, whatever they do. Until, if they disappoint you, you'll be able to hold your head high and say 'Well, I'm better off out of that!' Don't date until that's how you feel. Until you'll only stay with somebody if they're making you joyously happy.

@DetailMouse I first Google, but will check Facebook (usually good to see if they are partnered), LinkedIn, any professional sites. The more high profile their career is, the easier it is to find info. I have an unusual name but was found easily by a psycho weirdo. I wouldn’t dream of contacting someone via any social media accounts but I think if the info is out there, it’s perfectly ok to check them out.

This thread is hitting home with me. I've recently blocked a guy I was seeing after he suddenly became insanely jealous. My 'crime' was to forget to plug in my phone and the battery died while I was asleep. He worked nights and had been trying to message me. By the time I woke up, I'd apparently shagged all my co-workers, been active on dating sites and messaged men on Facebook. Some of the things he said were appalling.

It shook me that someone could treat another person that way for no reason. It's a shame because he was amazing at the beginning, but that's how they reel you in. They're not going to get many takers if they're a cunt from the outset. It's a question of recognising the early signs of abuse, which can be a lot more subtle than this bloke was.

@Pugworld

Wow!!!!!!! That IS crazy.

I'll never date again. I dont want sex and I have my own career, pension and home. I'm absolutely not interested. He'd have to be amazing for me even to look.

Resonating thread!

I agree with @TuscanApothecary

Self esteem above all else.
You have got to have a dating rules checklist - this list gets longer the more you online date because you come across more and more oddballs!

These are my rules
NEVER
Share your mobile number before meeting
Message back and forth building rapport - it's creating a fake intimacy

ALWAYS
Try to book a phone, video or in person coffee meeting as soon as possible.

Listen to them! Mostly you'll want someone to show you some admiration, some flirtation and this is a mistake. Most men are pretty good at showing their true nature if you just stop to listen for it.

Ask the pertinent questions!
Ask about porn, ask why their previous relationship ended!

Mostly tell them after 20,30,40 minutes that whilst it was nice to meet them, you don't feel there is a connection for you.

When you meet a good one - you'll know. And then you take it SLOWLY.

Don't try to replace your marriage and don't intend for anyone to move in.

This is my talisman. You'd be wise to memorise it.

I might take a look at the Freedom Program @grandmashotdoodlebugs Thanks

I don't know how I'd define my self esteem exactly, but I've definitely lost confidence, and feel I have some form of ptsd, if that isn't too dramatic. My first small step was that I eventually stopped the sexual part of our relationship and ended the marriage.

'Uses your name' is interesting! My husband never used my name, except for emphasis when he was angry with me about something.

@PeonyRedding

'Uses your name' is interesting! My husband never used my name, except for emphasis when he was angry with me about something.

@PeonyRedding - what did he call you? Wife?

@PeonyRedding

I might take a look at the Freedom Program *@grandmashotdoodlebugs* Thanks

I don't know how I'd define my self esteem exactly, but I've definitely lost confidence, and feel I have some form of ptsd, if that isn't too dramatic. My first small step was that I eventually stopped the sexual part of our relationship and ended the marriage.

I couldn't endorse the freedom program more highly. It's a must for all women.

I confess I didn't learn my lesson the first time nor the second but I did have the strength of character to get out (threw out the last one!)

I then spent 2 years on my own (again). It got easier as the kids are older now - teens. When they were little, dating was nigh on impossible and I felt a lot more hopeless about life.

Give it time.

Dating is rubbish in mid life. Most men in their 40’s and 50’s are on those sites for a reason. The best men are the ones who are already taken! I’ve had a few flings but nothing more as I find the men so draining.

I can feel myself extremely emotionally vulnerable how do I do the freedom programme please

Yes. Me. Absolutely.

Personally I don't relate. The 4th is of course a not of a concern but the first 3 I think after everything I've been through I'm even savvy enough or can't imagine myself caring about enough for it to be a worry. I can spot a red flag from a mile off re abuse/control and I know I can get over the worse hurt or betrayal and be happy again. Of some Jen wants to leave or chest then their loss - go for it there won't be any second chances. It's very liberating to have this mindset (but hasn't come easily)

*4th is a BIT of a concern

@Keystone76

Dating is rubbish in mid life. Most men in their 40’s and 50’s are on those sites for a reason. The best men are the ones who are already taken! I’ve had a few flings but nothing more as I find the men so draining.

I found a 50 year old man His wife decided he wasn't good enough (she was totally wrong) and I couldn't have asked for a better man - I should have known he was the right sort of man when I was younger but we live and learn.

Keep binning the shit ones (do us all a favour and tell them they are a shit one when you meet them) and good luck

@Keystone76

Dating is rubbish in mid life. Most men in their 40’s and 50’s are on those sites for a reason. The best men are the ones who are already taken! I’ve had a few flings but nothing more as I find the men so draining.

Sorry you've been unlucky, but speak for yourself. Dating isn't rubbish for everybody in mid life.

I want to lose a couple of stone and get myself back out there. Can you give us any good advice?