Is anyone else terrified of dating?

[freckles999]

This is genuine.

I am scared of dating. Why? Well..

1. Getting hurt (again).
2. Dealing with abuse.
3. Cheating.
4. Being murdered.

Okay! So I know the last one is a but out there, but I've been hooked on real life crime shows for years and I've seen one too many killed by their partner investigations, not only that, I've literally just seen a tiktok about this man who stalked his ex to the gym where she went and stabbed her 75 times in her car in the gym car park!

Being a single woman living alone, you can never be too careful, and you don't know what anyone is capable of.

Any advice on how to lose this genuine fear, otherwise I'll be single forever.

Honestly yes, I’ve read so many horrible stories recently! Read about a woman who met someone off tinder and went back to his flat and he killed her, I know it’s probably unlikely but it seems to be happening a lot more recently, I have children as well so that’s an extra worry about who I would be bringing into their lives

Yes I'm also terrified

Yes. I am also scared if having sex after such a long time. Also I just carnt imagine how a man would fit into family life. But I get no free time away from the kids so not really likely to happen anytime soon.

What's wrong with being single?

If dating is such a terrifying proposition, stay single, there's no law saying everyone has to tolerate some shit weasel partner.

There's nothing wrong with being single right now, but one day maybe in the future a partner would be nice.....

Some of us have been single a long time (5 years for me) and it would be nice to meet someone, I don’t want to never have a partner ever again, but given the recent stories it’s ok to be worried about meeting someone again.

@MaryAndHerNet

What's wrong with being single?

If dating is such a terrifying proposition, stay single, there's no law saying everyone has to tolerate some shit weasel partner.

It an option that definitely keeps cropping up in my mind.

@freckles999 I'm in complete agreement with the list of concerns.

I also have an older child. then there's my ex's reaction when, or if, I do decide to start dating, so I hope he meets someone first. Also was in a sexless marriage for a couple of years towards the end, so there's that.

I sometimes think I will stay single, but I would like to see if there is anybody decent to spend some free time with. I have no wish to marry or cohabit again.

Yes I feel the same. Happily single for now.

I want to stay single but at some point have decent sex... I literally have no idea how to go about this in a safe and fun way. I have the same list of concerns plus kids and a shitty ex impacting on my life.

I hooked up with an ex instead I’m far too scared to meet new men . Especially after my marriage turned abusive I don’t trust anyone .

The quality and risk is so bad, it's just not worth it.

.1I have a child and I'm super worried about abuse towards me or my child.

1. Being let down and wasting my life with a loser.
2. Being emotionally hurt.

4.My ex reaction, we are finally co parenting really well. I know you can't live your life in fear but the most reliable I can do for my child is not to allow a abusive/toxic person into our life and home. I don't have the best track record and a end date when they have grown up.

Also the independence of not being accountable to someone else. I'm not sure I would want to cohabitate again. Especially since you pool your money together and of things go south you need to find a new home.

“Being a single woman living alone, you can never be too careful, and you don't know what anyone is capable of.”

Actually I think you can be too careful, if fear is stopping you doing stuff you want to do. And you sound very aware of the risks op so you have your eyes open.

But as pp have said there is no requirement to be in a relationship, you need to weigh up the risks and the quality of men you meet. Better to be on your own then with a man who makes your life worse.

I am but not for those reasons. I don't want another man's unhealed childhood wounds fucking me up again. I refuse to be another man's rehab centre where their hurts and insecurities impact my own happiness and I get blamed for their shit. I don't want another drain on my happiness and energy. I'm only just getting myself back after an emotionally and verbally abusive marriage where I was in a fog of cognitive dissonance for so long and depression because of the way he treated me. I am not giving myself up for another man ever again.

But I do love being in love. I love dating and getting to know people and doing fun things. I love really good sex. I love the happiness that a good relationship can bring.

I am continuing to work on myself before I even think about dating again. I need better boundaries and to listen to my instincts instead of my fanny

Stop watching real crime things for a start!

@Badbaddog

I can stop watching, however the memory of what I've seen isn't going anywhere!

@TuscanApothecary

I can also relate to what you said. My ex definitely had unhealed issues from his childhood. Rarely spoke about them 'cause he's a man' but I felt that they impacted his behaviour in a major way. I don't know why he never got help for it but instead of dealing with it, he buried it and became extremely abusive toward me.

@Donotgogentle

That's the thing, I've been in relationships where at the beginning they're lovely, kind, talk the good talk and I am positive I've picked a good'un... then suddenly the abuse starts. DV was very prevalent in my marriage - but at the beginning he was amazing.

It's very common for those kinds of people to start off nice but then the narcissism can't be hidden any more and before you know it, all kinds of shit it going on. It's scary how quickly people can change their whole persona to fit the narrative.

@Missingindevon

There's absolutely no way in the world I could ever cohabit again. When my ex husband and I split up in 2009 I redid my bedroom completely from floor to ceiling in a way that there was literally no room for anyone else's stuff in there other than my own.

I've lived in my home for 23 years and I've been alone in here probably 16 of those years ....

I watch a lot of crime / murder documentaries....the thing to remember is its only the fact that what has happened is so unusual that it has been turned into a documentary!
Netflix doesn't currently have a show about 'walking to the corner shop for a pint of milk' because its so common an occurance it is of no note and people wouldn't watch it!
I can't say much about you're other three points, getting hurt is obviously possible but a chance you would have to take I guess.
Being abused and cheated on again are a possibility but you would have to make sure you know what to look out for and act quickly in your own best interests.

@freckles999, you are sensible to be cautious but if you learn to trust your instincts you will be able to slowly move forwards.

Can you look back at red flags you missed or ignored in previous relationships?

No advice but I feel the same way.

My ex husband turned out to have an historic record of child abuse which I had no idea of until after we were married and I was pregnant! I'm now raising our child alone as a result.

I honestly can't see myself ever trusting a man again. I'm bisexual so I've resolved to only date women going forward.

Your fears unfortunately are not unfounded.

I agree with @Fireflygal OP. I have really delved into my past relationships and seen where I have gone wrong to end up in them. That's not blaming myself or anyone else for the abuse, but seeing your own part in it is actually empowering. You get to learn from what you've done and not do it again.

EG all my exes have got anger issues. All my exes have told me when dating that they have anger issues. Each time I've brushed it off, didn't take any notice of the road rage, pushed down the feelings I had when they slagged their ex off for being crazy. I was so loved up that I thought they could never do that to me. I only realised this through a lot of introspection and getting tired of my own shit by romanticising them. Finally have got to a place where I don't need the against all odds love story. I feel like a grown up at last!