Is anyone else terrified of dating?

[freckles999]

This is genuine.

I am scared of dating. Why? Well..

1. Getting hurt (again).
2. Dealing with abuse.
3. Cheating.
4. Being murdered.

Okay! So I know the last one is a but out there, but I've been hooked on real life crime shows for years and I've seen one too many killed by their partner investigations, not only that, I've literally just seen a tiktok about this man who stalked his ex to the gym where she went and stabbed her 75 times in her car in the gym car park!

Being a single woman living alone, you can never be too careful, and you don't know what anyone is capable of.

Any advice on how to lose this genuine fear, otherwise I'll be single forever.

I've been on lots of dates from dating apps over the past year and can honestly say most of them have been lovely and I've had some fun dates, although no-one I've wanted to have a relationship with until now.
I think you just have to be sensible. Message and talk on the phone/video call first. Gives you chance to look out for any initial red flags or niggles. If you decide you want to see them meet in a public place and don't give out your address to begin with. Take it slowly and always meet in busy places until you are comfortable with someone. Any decent man will understand you don't want to give out your address or other personal details to start with. Keep some boundaries and enjoy it. There are some lovely men out there and I've made a couple of good friends too through dating.

Just wanted to give you a positive post as a lot of the responses you've had have been negative. Yes there are awful men out there, my ex was one of them. But there are also some kind, decent ones.
If you feel you want a relationship you will need to give people a chance, but like I said take it slow and keep your boundaries in place.

[quote freckles999]@Badbaddog

I can stop watching, however the memory of what I've seen isn't going anywhere! [/quote]
Yes I totally get that, snd obviously there are risks. But if you

Don’t immerse yourself in these things you can move away from the idea that it’s really really common.

(Sorry, posted too soon!)

Not terrified at all. I just keep my expectations very low and take all necessary and sensible precautions. I Google the shit out every date beforehand. If I can’t find anything at all, that’s a red flag.

I guess as well I've never met a "good" male role model or seen a positive relationship. I'm not saying they don't exist I just haven't come across one.

I don't particularly want to date any of the perfectly nice men I know because I like the casual friendship we have and don't want to mess that up, but I'm not scared of dating.

MN gives the impression that the vast majority of men are violent and abusive, but that's not my experience IRL at all and I prefer to believe people are good until they show me otherwise. I may well one day get that badly wrong, but rather that than waste life living in fear.

@Milomonster

Not terrified at all. I just keep my expectations very low and take all necessary and sensible precautions. I Google the shit out every date beforehand. If I can’t find anything at all, that’s a red flag.

What kind of things would you expect to find? I just Googled the two friends I was with last night. I haven't found anything, but I'm fairly certain they're not axe murderers.

I am too. My main concern, in addition to yours, is porn. I'm not willing to date a man who watches porn and I think that'll be a (much) harder man to find these days.

I also think men's behaviour has changed for the worst and they are more openly misogynistic and think and behave more negatively towards women.

I think the internet has fuelled many of these changes and I feel sorry for younger women whose male counterparts are growing up with very warped ideas of 'normal' relationships and sex.

For slightly different reasons, I am too. Whenever I’ve experienced bullying in life 95% of the time it was from men - some of them were even strangers who had no incentive to bully me but still found it funny to do so. 🤷‍♀️

Because of this, I find it hard to ‘open up’ or be vulnerable around them (can’t help but think it’s a trick, they’re not really interested in me etc)

I wouldn’t dare voice these opinions in public even to my closest friends as I know I’ll be seen as a man hater or highly irrational. However, I can’t help but think many women who don’t think like this are also lucky to not have to see the ‘true’ faces of some men if that makes sense (for e.g., their brother/Dad/colleague may genuinely be a lovely guy to them but he doesn’t deem all women as worthy of normal respect.

@DetailMouse it’s a way of verifying who say they they are. Also, if they are single or not or any pertinent news stories. Most of the men I have met have been honest and have checked out. I don’t expect to find anything but I like to know who I’m dealing with.

It’s worth googling yourself too to see how much info about you exists and whether you can be traced to an address. I had an unfortunate experience with an OLD guy who harassed me after I blocked him (he only knows my first name and city).

[quote Milomonster]@DetailMouse it’s a way of verifying who say they they are. Also, if they are single or not or any pertinent news stories. Most of the men I have met have been honest and have checked out. I don’t expect to find anything but I like to know who I’m dealing with.

It’s worth googling yourself too to see how much info about you exists and whether you can be traced to an address. I had an unfortunate experience with an OLD guy who harassed me after I blocked him (he only knows my first name and city).[/quote]
Hmm. I looked up two men I was out with (platonically) yesterday, following your post. I know they are decent sportsmen locally because I've seen them compete, but there was nothing about that. I know one of them plays in a band, I've seen them several times but nothing about that comes up on a search of his name. One works in a fairly senior capacity at the local council, I've run into him professionally, but nothing there either.

Neither has a particularly common name, but one shares it with a lower league footballer so all the pages seemed to be taken up with him.

What do you look for/how do you search?

I have Googled myself. My old employer hasn't removed me from their website and there are some sports results. I'm easier though because I have a unique name.

Number 1 is just the risk you take for the benefits. 2,3 and 4 while real possibilities, the chances of them happening have been inflated in your mind by watching too much about it, and probably reading a lot of negative stuff on here. What is in your power is to minimise the risks by really getting to know someone and taking each step very slowly. Consider how long you took before living with them - I'd give it 2 years minimum, if ever, you don't have to cohabit, just date.

@LightSpeeds

My ex was addicted to porn.

It didn't bother me at first cause most men (and women) do watch it and I didn't know how bad it was, but it was daily... many times.

@cpox @Missingindevon

I've had no decent male figure, ever. My dad left when I was 4 and my step father beat me from the age of 4 - 16.

Relationship wise has been full of abuse in ALL ways... so I am yet to see a positive relationship...

I dated one man once, he was a policeman 'on leave'. Didn't think anything of it at the time, I was naive (long time ago). Anyway - years later he turned up at my door and he wanted to come back to me, I said no, but I did at that point Google/Facebook him because something felt off.

Anyway - Facebook turned up that he was in a relationship with a baby, and Google threw at me that during the time we first met he was on leave due to sexual harassment of a woman he dealt with as a policeman.

Can't trust anyone!

I always worry about about being murdered, especially because I prefer to meet men out of my area. Also, I always worry about meeting a peadophile, as I have children.
I must admit, I’ve taken to googling people’s names and seeing if anything comes up about them. Feel like this is a very necessary thing to do, when meeting people you don’t know.
Also, and slightly off note, I am sick of women who date being seen as slappers in this day and age. I am a single mum and have been for nearly 3 years. When I am dating someone, my children aged 5 and 15, don’t meet them. I don’t bring them to my house unless I’ve met them several times before and feel I know them well.
Just seems to me that dads and men can date as much as they like, but if you listen to the woman over the road from me, I’m the village bike because I’ve dated 3 men in 16 months. As consenting, single, adult women, why are we judged so harshly.

@freckles999

I dated one man once, he was a policeman 'on leave'. Didn't think anything of it at the time, I was naive (long time ago). Anyway - years later he turned up at my door and he wanted to come back to me, I said no, but I did at that point Google/Facebook him because something felt off.

Anyway - Facebook turned up that he was in a relationship with a baby, and Google threw at me that during the time we first met he was on leave due to sexual harassment of a woman he dealt with as a policeman.

Can't trust anyone!

Well I think it says you can't trust policeman more than anything!

@Ohmamma30

It's the good old fashioned double standards! Men are the shit if they date endless women.... we are slags/sluts/whores... ridiculous!

@freckles999 I hear you. Shocking how views and rights of women, have really not progressed over the years.

Policemen have the highest rates of DV. I think prison officers are up there too.

Any career that involves aggression … honestly I think people like Tuscan are so naïve, and also living in a sanctimonious cloud with their blanket accusatory posts.

I hear ya OP. You can date safely though. First, instincts. The porn thing is a bad sign, I do believe that. And taking your time will help loads. I also watch true crime quite a lot. But one positive thing is that you see a whole bunch of red flags 🚩 that you can often easily avoid.

If you are younger, I think men still may have a lot to offer you. I am older and ridiculously choosy now. But common sense measures and pricked up ears, there are some positives to be had for male company.

But yes, navigate well, definitely! Make no assumptions.

Yes, yes and thrice yes friends settled down or married to their childhood sweetheart just don’t seem to understand my fears and think I’m just “too fussy” yet I find myself making every excuse in the book not to meet up with men I have met online, cos I’m extremely scared!

@TuscanApothecary

Omgosh! My ex husband who use to beat me was a prison officer!!!!