Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend won’t spend time with my children - ‘he’s too tired’

306 replies

Lcar · 19/02/2022 19:58

I’m a mum of 4. Late teens and up.
I’ve been dating a guy I really love and who’s really good to me for 2 and a half years.
He started a new job in November, working 2 hours away. He comes home every 2 weeks, or I go to see him if he has to stay on site. It’s kind of working.
This weekend he was home for a long weekend.
Last week, my youngest was crying, she’s lonely when I’m away, and is struggling. She thinks I love my boyfriend more than her.
So I asked him to come to my place this weekend.
His work is crazy busy, site manager in charge of 30+ workers on a construction site. I get it, he’s shattered and needs quiet time when he’s home.
I suggested we took my youngest bowling.
Not stressy, just quiet time for the 3 of us together.
He said he’s too tired to come to my place.

I won’t have a chance to see him again for 2 weeks.
I said it’s not ok that he’s making me choose between him and my children.
He said ‘that’s life’.

He’s a good man who’s been through 2 shit relationships, one as the victim of violence, one with a coercive controller.

His freedom is very important to him.

I left an abusive marriage 4 years ago. I also have triggers and shit to deal with, plus 4 lovely children who are doing well. Mostly.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 20/02/2022 08:35

Sounds like your daughter needs one on one time with you anyway not you, her and boyfriend. He clearly wants a relationship with you and doesn’t want to play happy families. Up to you if that’s what you’re looking for or not

Troublesometooth · 20/02/2022 08:35

He works a stressful job, I think it’s fair he doesn’t want to travel 2 hours sometimes at a weekend. It is also fair he doesn’t want to spent the little time he gets with you entertaining adult/almost adult children.

Most late teens early adults would be abandoning their parents at this age for a relationships themselves so I don’t think it’s unrealistic for you to get to spent time with your partner. However do you get quality time with your youngest daughter? I think her being in tears over you going to see him is probably her stress over something else. Is she worried about starting uni?

I don’t think this guy has suggested you choose between him or your kids. At their ages you should be able to have both quite easily. I think you need to keep conversations open and work on boosting your daughters self esteem so she sees you having your partner in your life, but still loving her.

Toanewstart23 · 20/02/2022 08:37

Women actually are in relationships with men like this
That have this stance on their children?

He’s not in the wrong in the slightest. Not in the slightest.

It’s all on the OP. All of it.

ArchibaldsDaddy · 20/02/2022 08:37

Your attention seeking daughter is the problem here, I’m afraid.

That said, after two and a half years, I’d have expected a little more integration with the family.

And the amount of working away accompanied by now a nonchalant refusal to see you this weekend - if this doesn’t scream terminal decline (at best), then I don’t know what does.

Imdonna · 20/02/2022 08:40

[quote Heytheredemons]For those questioning, the age of the children and the "selfishness" of the boyfriend read this from a couple of weeks ago. Appears he is oozing to commit and make a life with OP and daughter has made some very manipulative comments to her mother if the post is to be taken at face value

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4443490-Am-I-being-selfish-Feeling-lost[/quote]
Hmm I don't think he us oozing to commit or the dd is being manipulative there.

She is 17. Up until a few years ago she lived in an abusive household. She probably isn't perfect, but she doesn't sound like a twat. Most people wouldn't eat to come home from uni, to be a guest in their mothers boyfriends house (they they have never really spent time with) far away from their friends that are at home.

I don't think he has done anything wrong here, but 'instead of the plans we made to get somewhere together you just move 30 odd miles into a home in my name only....yeah sure your youngest dd can stay in the spare room when she isn't at uni and the inheritance kids can sleep on the floor...it will be fun', oozes commitment.

Imdonna · 20/02/2022 08:42

@Heytheredemons

Looking not oozing. Can we have an edit button please Mumsnet 🤣
Cross posted. I did think ooze was an over exaggeration Grin
gannett · 20/02/2022 08:46

A lot of posters don't seem to have read the details properly.

I don't think either her daughter or her boyfriend are behaving unreasonably. Her daughter isn't crying because her mother's partner won't spend time with her, she's crying because she thinks her mother prioritises her partner over her. At 17 with some huge life changes imminent it's totally normal for her to have this kind of a wobble.

The OP's boyfriend isn't making her choose between him and her kids, he's simply too shattered to go to her place or go bowling (which is not "quiet time" ffs). He's not making her feel guilty for not being able to see each other as planned.

I don't know why the OP is displacing the fault here, though a clue is that she seems to think not seeing her bf for two weeks as a huge problem rather than a necessity because at this point reassuring her daughter is more important. It's telling that when her daughter told her she felt her mother loved her partner more, the OP's solution was to make them hang out together, which as far as I can tell neither of them wanted. What the daughter was asking for was mother-daughter time and some reassurance that she was a priority - not for her OP to turn this into a problem with her relationship.

Given that the boyfriend seems to understand this and isn't pressuring OP to spend time with him instead of her daughter, I wonder if there's some truth in what the daughter says. Because surely the response to your daughter saying she feels less loved than your boyfriend is to work on that problem, not try to drag your boyfriend in as the solution and cast him as the problem when he doesn't want it?

Oblomov22 · 20/02/2022 08:49

This sounds messed up.

Why is a teen crying over not getting enough attention? The crying sounds odd, like dd can't express her emotions calmly, in a conversation.

He sounds knackered. And not in it emotionally, to even say such a thing.

Your history shows you have extremely bad borders and emotional triggers. Is this happening again? Have you dealt with / had counselling for your issues?

LIZS · 20/02/2022 08:53

He's not buying into your family unit. He does not want to make time for them and they see him as competition for you. Either you put him on hold until your dc are less in need of your attention or you accept it is not going to work and move on. Otherwise you are building up resentment for dc and stress for yourself.

gogohm · 20/02/2022 08:58

I'm sorry but if after 2 years he's not committed and desperate to see you, there is no future. We already live together and one of each of our kids.

OakRowan · 20/02/2022 09:00

Whether you've got kids or not no one ever said I fancy something quiet and relaxing after a heavy few weeks working away, how about we all go bowling together. Such a gentle environment, you'd be the only people there, no on else for miles around, private and peaceful. Lounge around, have a nap, eat a few nice meals, have a few drinks a film and an early night. At bowling. Give over.

nolongersurprised · 20/02/2022 09:05

We already live together and one of each of our kids

Surely this is classic, “to each their own”? There’s arguments for not rushing and blending families, especially when the children are essentially adults.

If DH and I were to split there’s no way I’d actively introduce any new partner into the kids’ home. I hated it when my step dad moved in. He was nice enough but it felt like an encroachment into my space. I wish my mother had kept him separate until we’d left home.

Dontknowwhattodo99 · 20/02/2022 09:06

Sounds like you want different things from the relationship, you would like him to be involved in family time, he is seeing it more as a you and him relationship. Both fine, but not compatible. Why don’t you have a conversation with him about what you both want and if it’s still different things then it doesn’t look like it’s got a happy future?

adriftabroad · 20/02/2022 09:06

@gannett

A lot of posters don't seem to have read the details properly.

I don't think either her daughter or her boyfriend are behaving unreasonably. Her daughter isn't crying because her mother's partner won't spend time with her, she's crying because she thinks her mother prioritises her partner over her. At 17 with some huge life changes imminent it's totally normal for her to have this kind of a wobble.

The OP's boyfriend isn't making her choose between him and her kids, he's simply too shattered to go to her place or go bowling (which is not "quiet time" ffs). He's not making her feel guilty for not being able to see each other as planned.

I don't know why the OP is displacing the fault here, though a clue is that she seems to think not seeing her bf for two weeks as a huge problem rather than a necessity because at this point reassuring her daughter is more important. It's telling that when her daughter told her she felt her mother loved her partner more, the OP's solution was to make them hang out together, which as far as I can tell neither of them wanted. What the daughter was asking for was mother-daughter time and some reassurance that she was a priority - not for her OP to turn this into a problem with her relationship.

Given that the boyfriend seems to understand this and isn't pressuring OP to spend time with him instead of her daughter, I wonder if there's some truth in what the daughter says. Because surely the response to your daughter saying she feels less loved than your boyfriend is to work on that problem, not try to drag your boyfriend in as the solution and cast him as the problem when he doesn't want it?

Thank the Lord! A voice of reason. I agree 110%

Also... absolutely nobody wants to go bowling. Only the OP seems to want to go bowling.

HailAdrian · 20/02/2022 09:08

I very rarely want to spend prolonged amounts of time with partner's (much younger) child so I can see where he's coming from really.

georgarina · 20/02/2022 09:09

When I was that age my DF had a girlfriend and it wasn't a family situation at all because I was late teens with my own life. And he saw her a hell of a lot more than once every two weeks!

Seems weird/manipulative for your late teenage DD to be sobbing and saying you love him more than her. Like, either quite serious emotional problems, or controlling behaviour.

Ultimately OP if you enjoy the relationship, go for it. It's not all about kisd when they are this age.

HogDogKetchup · 20/02/2022 09:11

Can’t say I blame him. He’s dating you, not her.

GlamorousHeifer · 20/02/2022 09:13

This all sounds majorly fucked up whichever way you look at it.
After 2.5 years 'dating' I would expect to see someone I described as my partner more than a couple of times a month.
I think the 17 (ish) year old crying is a red herring, some people take longer to grow up and if she's only a couple of years out of mum's abusive relationship she might be struggling.
On the other hand she might be a manipulative little madam, it's hard to tell from the limited info provided.

Snoopsnoggysnog · 20/02/2022 09:14

@TuscanApothecary

He's not your forever man.

You will always feel torn between them. He should have enthusiastically agreed to go bowling and taken you both out for food or gotten a takeaway after IMO.

No, he really shouldn’t need to do this!
GlamorousHeifer · 20/02/2022 09:16

Oh, I work full time (9-5 office job) and would be majorly pissed of if someone tried to convince me bowling with their teenager was quiet down time!
I'm totally 100 percent in agreement with him, if he's tired then that will not make him feel better!

adriftabroad · 20/02/2022 09:16

@GlamorousHeifer

This all sounds majorly fucked up whichever way you look at it. After 2.5 years 'dating' I would expect to see someone I described as my partner more than a couple of times a month. I think the 17 (ish) year old crying is a red herring, some people take longer to grow up and if she's only a couple of years out of mum's abusive relationship she might be struggling. On the other hand she might be a manipulative little madam, it's hard to tell from the limited info provided.
It does indeed sound like this until you read the backstory thread rhat someone linked.

Then it all makes sense, he also seems like a nice and understanding guy. (IMO)

C8H10N4O2 · 20/02/2022 09:23

The "LO" is 17 and off to uni this year.

Frankly if she can't cope with the notion of her mother spending a day or two a fortnight with someone else she has rather deeper problems to address.

RantyAunty · 20/02/2022 09:31

Your post is somewhat vague.
Are you going to spend the week where he is when he's away?
It kind of sounds like you are.

user1487194234 · 20/02/2022 09:35

I would put my children first.it won't be that long until they move out

rootsmanouvure · 20/02/2022 09:42

How old is she?
Does she see her own father?