Going from EOW for 1 night to 50/50, preparing myself

[7YOChangeToContact]

Posting here as I think this part of MN will be gentler than chat or AIBU

Currently ExH has contact EOW for 1 night. He took me to court when DD was 3 (we split the year before) he was violent and controlling so even though he wanted full residency with no visitation for me, then 50/50, then back to full residency for him but me getting EOW for 1 night.

He was awarded EOW for 1 night instead and 2 nights for tea.

DD is now 7, school year 3.

He never has her in the week anymore but has been consistent with the overnight contact. He always attended school plays or sports days, always attends swimming presentations or Rainbows/Brownies badge giving. But illness and medical appointments (DD has some medical issues) have always been my responsibility, I have always told him about them before they happen but he’s never attended. If she was ever naughty at school (its happened a few times, nothing very bad but she can back chat sometimes – I know it’s bad but compared to the boy who trashes the room most days I wouldn’t say it’s really bad) that’s my fault and he lectures me (often in front of the teacher) about how I need to learn to control her.

In the last 6 months he’s stepped up a bit more which got me suspicious. He started asking about her after appointments, asked about meetings and parents evenings, taking an even bigger interest in activities she does etc. But still leaving illness and appointments to me. Just before Christmas he asked me to send her to a new holiday club, he did all the running around for it although I still paid for it.

Last week I received papers from the court for a variation of the current order. He’s asking for 50/50.

School have told me they will tell cafcass what they believe is best for DD and that’s more contact with her father.

A meeting with my solicitor suggests that he’s likely to get 50/50 as he’s been consistent with the overnight contact plus what school are saying about her needing more contact with him.

This isn’t about stopping him. I’ve resigned myself to it and cried my tears about it as I don’t believe it’s in DDs best interests but it’s not up to me now.

This is about preparing myself for that. The change to my relationship with my DD – we are really close and I admit I miss her when she’s at her dads but I never tell her that and knowing I’ll still be 100% responsible for everything to do with behaviour, medical, illness and I’ll likely still have to pay for all childcare, activities, school uniform and the shoes she needs for her medical conditions with less money coming as he won’t be paying maintenance.

So has anyone been in this situation and managed to cope financially? I suspect this is what it’s about, not just the maintenance but trying to force me to not be able to cope financially so I ask him for help and he can then become RP and get maintenance out of me – He doesn’t know I earn more than him but he can probably work it out, he wouldn’t let me work so I didn’t get my job until a year after I left him.

Then you log ALL of this. And you pushback and either say no or make a note and then take it back

And maybe look at getting a new solicitor as well - not sure how much this one is working for you at all if that is what she is saying she seems rather passive with all the he will get this and he cant be forced to have that.

What are school basing it on?

Sorry, x post.

@Quartz2208

Then you log ALL of this. And you pushback and either say no or make a note and then take it back

And maybe look at getting a new solicitor as well - not sure how much this one is working for you at all if that is what she is saying she seems rather passive with all the he will get this and he cant be forced to have that.

@Quartz2208 She represented me before when we went when DD was at pre-school and she wiped the floor with him, but was the same beforehand saying that she couldn't guarentee that she could fight this and I might have to accept that he will get what he's asked for. She's always been very honest like that, even right before we were called into court before the hearings while negotiations where going on, she was totally honest with what she thought the judge would say/do, and she's mostly been right, the judge did push back last time, it was only when she start questionning ExHs solicitor that we got EOW for 1 night from the judge.

There's no wrap around at school so I don't know how he'd manage that.

I would let him get on with it and see how hard it is being a proper parent and not just looking after her 1 night EOW.

Honestly, once he realises that you’re not fighting him on it and actually it works in your favour - I can see him quickly going back to seeing her EOW.

He definitely sounds controlling.

Courts don’t think 50/50 is the next step up from one night EOW.

My ex was trying for transfer of residency and at the time had 3 nights EOW. I had offered 5 nights out of 14 as he had moved to live closer. His barrister was cross examining Cafcass and trying to get her to agree that 5 nights out of 14 was barely any increase for the father and the judge intervened and forced her to correct herself in that actually it was almost double the number of overnights and therefore very significant indeed.

I’d say he’s likely to get more then he has now but unlikely to get 50/50. It would be a drastic change for your daughter and she is the priority.

After reading your replies I think you should go get advice from a different solicitor tbh they don’t sound like they know what they are doing. He’s only stuck to the 1 night EOW and hasn’t kept to the weekly teatime visits court already ordered and your solicitor thinks he will get 50/50 his excuse that he has to work won’t wash with courts he needs to fit his work/life (sort childcare) around the court order not just txt u that “you keep her” I very much doubt if that’s what’s been happing he will be given 50/50! He will have to convince the court that he is capable of 50/50 and his actions are showing that he isn’t even capable of the current order.

I've accepted that he may get 50/50, like last time I accepted he may get residency, and then I accepted he may get 50/50 when he changed to that.

I'm not saying it will happen and neither is my solicitor, she's just preparing me for what could happen, which I think is perfectly reasonable.

Some of things said here I will definitely use against him and will send them in an email to my solicitor next week.

Hearing isn't until April so I have a while to prepare.

Make sure you are dressed up ready to to go out next time he collects her. And look like you’ve had a really nice day out when he drops her off.

Sadly if he thinks you are using him as a baby sitter he may not want to enable this further.

I think there is a difference between preparing for the possibility (which there is) and also making sure that it is clearly documented what 50/50 means.

Not that he gets the good bits etc. And what happens if the order is broken etc

Rather than week on week off, have set weekdays and every other weekend. So he is always with her on set days, and you are always with her on set days. Then he can book childcare for his days in term time and holidays and you can have activities on your days.

@glitterfarts

Rather than week on week off, have set weekdays and every other weekend. So he is always with her on set days, and you are always with her on set days. Then he can book childcare for his days in term time and holidays and you can have activities on your days.

@glitterfarts Activities are currently on two nights he isn't due to have her. But I use the CM to pay for them, my wages, a small amount of UC, and CB pay for everything else. No maintenance means no activities unless he pays half, which he won't.

Sorry about that, OP. Is there a way to push back on the school's recommendation if they know he is violent and controlling. That shoudl be part and parcel, not something they should wash their hands of. On what basis have they justified 'more contact' and could they ceiling their recommendation to an increase to the 2 days in the current order?

Can your solicitor take the courts view of brownies, swimming and in-week medical appointments, either to get a commitment from him that could be escalated when doesn't comply or to explore his prioritisation of the child? Could your solicitor takes the courts view that he isn't complying with the two nights provision yet is seeking 50:50?

Finally, could the progression to whatever % the courts dictate be staged, especially given he is only taking 1 day rather than the 2 in the current agreement and relying on you to take the spare day now.

I've only second hand experience but it seems the commitment to prioritising your DC should need to be evidenced though I know IRL it isn't always by the courts.

Good luck.

@Zilla1

Sorry about that, OP. Is there a way to push back on the school's recommendation if they know he is violent and controlling. That shoudl be part and parcel, not something they should wash their hands of. On what basis have they justified 'more contact' and could they ceiling their recommendation to an increase to the 2 days in the current order?

Can your solicitor take the courts view of brownies, swimming and in-week medical appointments, either to get a commitment from him that could be escalated when doesn't comply or to explore his prioritisation of the child? Could your solicitor takes the courts view that he isn't complying with the two nights provision yet is seeking 50:50?

Finally, could the progression to whatever % the courts dictate be staged, especially given he is only taking 1 day rather than the 2 in the current agreement and relying on you to take the spare day now.

I've only second hand experience but it seems the commitment to prioritising your DC should need to be evidenced though I know IRL it isn't always by the courts.

Good luck.

@Zilla1 Thank you for that, my solicitor will definitely explore the reason for him not having her in the week. He doesn't have her at all in the week even in the holidays, example he's on Annual Leave next week which is half term and is not having her for his days. When I asked he said to put her in holiday club "as she loves it so much", I asked him to pick her up as a compromise and he said he couldn't as he was busy those nights.

The order only states 1 overnight, not 2, and he has been consistent with that which will work in his favour. I know it will and knew when I got the papers my solicitor was likely to say it would go in his favour. He's only missed 1 overnight due to his own doing he said he was too ill to have her the other overnights he's missed due to her being ill. He's taken her to birthday parties for classmates, he's taken her to his families events on those weekends etc. It all works for him.

School say that what happened between the parents unless it affects the DC isn't their business, it's a blanket rule. I do get it, they can't get involved in arrangements unless asked by courts or SS. They said that DD is unsettled after contact due to not spending enough time to get into a routine (this is partly due to her SN and medical issues); she's very clingy of staff the day after, can be reluctant to play with other children, is more likely to play up with back chat etc. She's the complete opposite when she's been with me.

Apparently they asked her and she said she misses her dad and feels like she never sees him, and they will tell the court that when asked. Which they will be, as they've said they've been asked in previous residency cases.

Hi OP,

I believe if your ex is taking your daughter for extra nights he has to show he can be there to look after her. Judges don’t like taking children away from their mums for them to then spend time in childcare. I would ask that he can demonstrate he can look after her 50/50.

I would fight this OP, no way should it go from one night EOW to 50/50.

Also have you documented the abusive behaviour? Coercive control is a crime now.

Good luck OP, I feel for you.

@Singlemumlifeforme

Hi OP,

I believe if your ex is taking your daughter for extra nights he has to show he can be there to look after her. Judges don’t like taking children away from their mums for them to then spend time in childcare. I would ask that he can demonstrate he can look after her 50/50.

I would fight this OP, no way should it go from one night EOW to 50/50.

Also have you documented the abusive behaviour? Coercive control is a crime now.

Good luck OP, I feel for you.

@Singlemumlifeforme He has criminal charges for when I reported it when we first split and these appeared in the first cafcass report.

I use childcare - my mum in term time and holiday club - so I don't think that argument will wash, as if I use it why can't he?

HI OP, Will your solicitor unpick the school's statement between the facts and what seems like unsubstantiated supposition? They can observe your DC is unsettled after contact. They can't state as fact that is because the duration is too short, it might be because his behaviour during the contact is unsatisfactory. Your DC might have said that she misses her dad but that doesn't mean more contact is in her best interest.

Good luck.

@Zilla1

HI OP, Will your solicitor unpick the school's statement between the facts and what seems like unsubstantiated supposition? They can observe your DC is unsettled after contact. They can't state as fact that is because the duration is too short, it might be because his behaviour during the contact is unsatisfactory. Your DC might have said that she misses her dad but that doesn't mean more contact is in her best interest.

Good luck.

@Zilla1

Will your solicitor unpick the school's statement between the facts and what seems like unsubstantiated supposition?

I will definitely bring this up with her, she wiped the floor with ExH last time so I expect her to do the same again.

I personally have no concerns over contact, DDs never said anything concerning. She comes back a bit tired and often needs an early night but I always assumed it was due to her being out of routine as he doesn't follow mine which is fine and up to him

You can also argue that especially due to DDs needs that she needs gradual transition to any increased contact with her Dad. That he needs to accompany her to the many medical appointments and he has so refused to attend any so how will he be able to moving forward.

You might just need to have a clear view of your DCs behaviour at school and home after contact and not allow anyone to make assumptions these are just a result of the change and the short duration which will be fine with 50/50.

The school are not understanding your daughters behaviour when she has had contact with him. IMO, she probably is unsettled due to being away from you and not that she wants more contact with him.

I would document when he declines to have her on his contact days (like next week), that he expects YOU to organise care etc.

Also, going from what he has now to 50:50, how is this in her best interests?

@REignbow spot on.

I haven't RTFT but is it an option to suggest 60/40 or is it continue as is OR 50/50? My experience of 50/50 is that neither home feels like 'home' as both are half time. Slightly more time in one home I feel gives the child more of a solid base. Perhaps given his history, you could agree for her to stay a bit more, but not quite 50/50?

I do t think you should worry too much I very much doubt he will get 50/50 imo even with the school saying what they are. He will be asked why he hasn’t kept to the current order and he has no justifiable reason( you aren’t denying him the time) I think the court will take what the school has said about what your daughter says about missing him and hardly seeing him seriously and award him more time. The fact your solicitor says because he’s kept consistently to the overnights it’s 1 overnight a week which is nothing and he’s not had her during the week the courts will see that HE hasn’t been acting in the child’s best interests in the case of 50/50 it’s not just about overnights.
I’d get everything written down and prepared all the communication between you about child and don’t leave anything out. If push for 1 weeknight and EOW as that’s in your child’s best interest. Courts will see your putting your child first. Good luck Op

Oh and if he does indeed get 50/50 don’t let him manipulate you 50/50 means just that with regards to every aspect of raising your child (childcare/ schools uniform/ drs dentists/ activities, clothes etc)