Going from EOW for 1 night to 50/50, preparing myself

[7YOChangeToContact]

Posting here as I think this part of MN will be gentler than chat or AIBU

Currently ExH has contact EOW for 1 night. He took me to court when DD was 3 (we split the year before) he was violent and controlling so even though he wanted full residency with no visitation for me, then 50/50, then back to full residency for him but me getting EOW for 1 night.

He was awarded EOW for 1 night instead and 2 nights for tea.

DD is now 7, school year 3.

He never has her in the week anymore but has been consistent with the overnight contact. He always attended school plays or sports days, always attends swimming presentations or Rainbows/Brownies badge giving. But illness and medical appointments (DD has some medical issues) have always been my responsibility, I have always told him about them before they happen but he’s never attended. If she was ever naughty at school (its happened a few times, nothing very bad but she can back chat sometimes – I know it’s bad but compared to the boy who trashes the room most days I wouldn’t say it’s really bad) that’s my fault and he lectures me (often in front of the teacher) about how I need to learn to control her.

In the last 6 months he’s stepped up a bit more which got me suspicious. He started asking about her after appointments, asked about meetings and parents evenings, taking an even bigger interest in activities she does etc. But still leaving illness and appointments to me. Just before Christmas he asked me to send her to a new holiday club, he did all the running around for it although I still paid for it.

Last week I received papers from the court for a variation of the current order. He’s asking for 50/50.

School have told me they will tell cafcass what they believe is best for DD and that’s more contact with her father.

A meeting with my solicitor suggests that he’s likely to get 50/50 as he’s been consistent with the overnight contact plus what school are saying about her needing more contact with him.

This isn’t about stopping him. I’ve resigned myself to it and cried my tears about it as I don’t believe it’s in DDs best interests but it’s not up to me now.

This is about preparing myself for that. The change to my relationship with my DD – we are really close and I admit I miss her when she’s at her dads but I never tell her that and knowing I’ll still be 100% responsible for everything to do with behaviour, medical, illness and I’ll likely still have to pay for all childcare, activities, school uniform and the shoes she needs for her medical conditions with less money coming as he won’t be paying maintenance.

So has anyone been in this situation and managed to cope financially? I suspect this is what it’s about, not just the maintenance but trying to force me to not be able to cope financially so I ask him for help and he can then become RP and get maintenance out of me – He doesn’t know I earn more than him but he can probably work it out, he wouldn’t let me work so I didn’t get my job until a year after I left him.

I'm not adding much here but why on earth is school driving this decision (it appears this way)?
And who at school has been your DD's 'advocate'?
I wouldn't trust schools as far as I'd throw 'em.
My ex-husband is on the sex offender's register and cannot ever go near our children. In a screenshot emailed to me from school, regarding something totally benign, guess who showed up as the main contact and person who collects my son? My ex-husband.
You have to wonder what the fucking agenda is at times or is it just hardcore idiots without a brain cell between them making HUGE decisions for our children, children they actually don't get to know very well at all, despite the years our children spend walking through those gates on a daily basis?
And... breathe... sorry, OP. Rant over.
I swear in this country, they can make a mother feel like her child is borrowed.
So... fight hard, OP. Don't resign yourself. Fight the good fight.
Why is school saying she needs more time with her dad? What's their rationale?

@FunkyBrownie

Brownie leader speaking here - please chat to your leadership team and let them know what’s going on. Not all the gory details, but just an overview so they know your circumstances might be changing. Yes, in an ideal world girls attend every week because then they get the chance to complete the whole programme, but I’d never dream of taking away a space because a girl could only come EOW due to circumstances beyond her control. In our unit, and I would think most others, as subs are paid termly, the space is hers for as long as she’s getting something out her time with us. I’ve had girls in exactly the same scenario as you, and I’ve set them challenges to do in their weeks at home so they don’t miss out entirely. I’ve also had a Brownie who left her jacket with us in the cupboard each week so she could pull it on top her regular clothes and it went home with Mum each half term for a wash and to sew any new badges on. Saying that, if a girl couldn’t wear uniform every week again, we wouldn’t let that be a barrier to her attending.

A discreet chat with your leaders let’s them help you, and hopefully keeps your daughter in an activity she enjoys providing some consistency during this period of change x

@FunkyBrownie Thank you they are aware of our circumstances sort of, as I often pay the subs very late compared to the others due to CM being paid late which is never an issue so I will chat to BO about it if needed.

@Valeriekat

The school seem to be behaving in a very sexist manner if they think it is acceptable for your ex to NOT have her because he is working. In US speak, do you regard them as hostile?

@Valeriekat Not at all, I just think they're applying blanket rules to a situation they know nothing about.

Example. Their rule is they will not stop anyone with PR collecting a child even if a court orders in place. So in theory my ExH could turn up just before collection time and take her and there's nothing I can do even though the court order says he'll collect on 2 nights only.

@Ursusmajor

OP can you argue that the swimming needs to continue because it helps with her medical conditions? For example, it’s a safe way for her to build muscle tone/coordination/cardiovascular stamina etc without over stressing joints (please ignore if it’s not a relevant argument). Was swimming ever recommended by her drs/physiotherapist?

@Ursusmajor Thank you yes she has regular physio and the physio has said swimming is the best exercise for her as it gently improves her muscle strength. So I can get him to write that in a letter for court.

Get a Barrister OP. In my experience, solicitors are fucking toothless in these situations and do not have the skills required.

@JustmeandtheKIDS2

Sorry op I'm confused. Why are school so involved? It's a civil matter and school don't like to get involved. Well that was my experience and what I was told from school. School only got involved when there were safeguarding conserns, which isn't the case with your situation.

@JustmeandtheKIDS2 I asked them when I got the court papers what they would say to court if asked, which they think they will be because they've been asked by the court before in similar cases.

They said (I have this in writing) they'd be recommending more contact with her father due to her unsettled behaviour after contact as they feel due to her SN she needs the chance to get into a routine with him.

Also, the schools rule is wrong - I’d get a very strongly worded letter sent to them about that bullshit.

@user1471504747

I wouldn’t be so happy with the school being so involved, what members of staff are saying all of this to you?

I would start a journal including the dates he’s missed contact, and any concerns you have with DD.

On the nights he has contact for tea, not overnight, is he meant to collect her from school or what does the order state?

It’s really unlikely he’ll get 50/50 OP this is just his way of trying to control you

@user1471504747 It was the headteacher who replied to my email, who said she'd spoken to DDs teacher and also noted that her 3 previous teachers have also commented on her behaviour EO Monday.

school are ridiculous - unsettled after contact does not mean that more contact is needed.

He could in fact be having more contact but he is choosing not to bother with the weekly contact and I’d be telling school and court that.

He hasn’t stuck to the order so far so why would he stick to 50-50?

It’s an abusive, controlling power play and nothing more.

I have DC with complex medical needs and lots of appointments. When I returned to work following (extended) maternity leave, I asked DH to take half the appointments. It was a disaster because neither of us had the full picture when attending all the different appointments, I couldn’t answer questions about what a different specialist had said if DH had taken her and vice versa. The best thing was for me to manage all appointments again to coordinate all her different care needs. And I’m not separated from DH, we are together, live in the same house etc, and it just didn’t work splitting appointments.

So I wouldn’t be too much of a hurry to force your ex to take her to appointments on his time, especially if he is likely to not take her. If this goes to court, I’d ask to remain responsible for taking her to appointments so there is consistency. I don’t know if this is allowed but I’d certainly ask.

@Blueroses99

I have DC with complex medical needs and lots of appointments. When I returned to work following (extended) maternity leave, I asked DH to take half the appointments. It was a disaster because neither of us had the full picture when attending all the different appointments, I couldn’t answer questions about what a different specialist had said if DH had taken her and vice versa. The best thing was for me to manage all appointments again to coordinate all her different care needs. And I’m not separated from DH, we are together, live in the same house etc, and it just didn’t work splitting appointments.

So I wouldn’t be too much of a hurry to force your ex to take her to appointments on his time, especially if he is likely to not take her. If this goes to court, I’d ask to remain responsible for taking her to appointments so there is consistency. I don’t know if this is allowed but I’d certainly ask.

@Blueroses99 I would never stop ExH attending but I will be going whether he does or not, the problem at the moment is its only 1 parent per child, so it makes sense for it to be me because I know whats going on with school and other specialists.

When it goes to court ask for it to be ordered that he covers all costs for when she's with him, that he takes care of all appointments when she's with him etc etc. Then when he doesn't you have evidence that he is not taking care of her.

Cafcass are unlikely to ask the school for their opinion on what contact schedule makes sense. The school are educators not experts in child contact matters and it would seem over-stepping for them to draw conclusions based on the words of a 7 year old or qualify her being unsettled as evidence she needs more time with her Father. Cafcass will ask the school about your child's wellbeing, how she's getting on at school, any issues etc. Cafcass will also talk to your doctor, and any other professionals involved. They may speak to your child but at 7 her views will not be determinative.

My DD spends eow week with her Dad and has done so for > 10 years. She is STILL unsettled on return from ex's and it shows at school. Some kids find transitions hard, it's just how it is - she's one of them. She's a teenager now and describes her experience as having no home and never knowing where she will be. A consistent routine helps here, and while you say he's consistent, it doesn't sound like he is as he's dropped the weekday nights (my abusive / violent ex did the same - it was too much hassle and impacted his social life). If your ex can't spare a few hours on a week night to keep connected with his child, I'm curious how he plans to manage 50/50 and do some real parenting? Sounds like he may plan to outsource care to someone else...

This reads very much like an abusive powerplay.... and your solicitor sounds very weak tbh. Having been in a similar situation, my solicitor took a very different approach of arguing for what was in the child's best interest - not the parents. Children benefit from seeing both parents, and a clear predictable routine between both homes which is adhered to.

If it’s anything like mine it won’t matter what’s written down. My charming and manipulative abuser (also has a now exponged criminal record) has 50/50 after I had a breakdown. I pay for all the activities, take her to all the activities, do vast majority of medical etc….and it’s totally not worth fighting over. Just accept this is who he is. The only thing mind will go halves on are things that make him look good in the eyes of professionals eg school trips etc. And yes, this is ALL about him not paying maintenance.

@TheVanguardSix

I'm not adding much here but why on earth is school driving this decision (it appears this way)? And who at school has been your DD's 'advocate'? I wouldn't trust schools as far as I'd throw 'em. My ex-husband is on the sex offender's register and cannot ever go near our children. In a screenshot emailed to me from school, regarding something totally benign, guess who showed up as the main contact and person who collects my son? My ex-husband. You have to wonder what the fucking agenda is at times or is it just hardcore idiots without a brain cell between them making HUGE decisions for our children, children they actually don't get to know very well at all, despite the years our children spend walking through those gates on a daily basis? And... breathe... sorry, OP. Rant over. I swear in this country, they can make a mother feel like her child is borrowed. So... fight hard, OP. Don't resign yourself. Fight the good fight. Why is school saying she needs more time with her dad? What's their rationale?

Couldn't agree more, DD's primary school did exactly the same. Despite him having no involvement in her school life beyond driving up once a fortnight (if he didn't cancel or send someone else) for her to open the car door and get in. They were aware of his abusive behaviour and prior SS involvement as a result.

He never attended a parent's evening, play or sports day yet they insisted he be the primary contact... I later learnt he'd called them once to complain I was denying his access and information regards our child. Aside from the fact duplicates of everything were sent to him and I checked every single time that he'd received then, and he had never once been denied access they referred me to social services!

I showed social services the evidence of formally asking the school in writing before her admission to send him duplicates and my emails to him outlining every possible piece of information - including stuff like she'd bumped her head at school and needed an ice pack. SS told me that it was him complaint that led to the referral as apparently the school were concerned I was ''alienating'' him and this was the reason for her being unsettled. SS gave the school a very stern talking to about ''over-reaching''. Didn't stop them though.. I was never so glad as when she left that school..

Really made me question the school's agenda and motivations.

You need to be stronger in your approach. Point out he doesn't take up what he's offered now. He didn't attend medical appts at all when he could.
Offer overnights on his week nights and that he has her for those 2 days in the school holidays and arranges or pays for the childcare on those days. Offer to increase the one weekend night to Friday and Saturday EOW
But get it written in that he provides all uniform needed for his days at school. He takes her to her swimming and brownies as she needs swimming for health and brownies for social development. That he pays for and arranges childcare on his days. That he pays for half the activities if you will no longer CM.
And that he takes her to medical appts that fall on his days.

If hecrefuses any of this or fails to comply when its in.practice you go back and apply for the arrangements to change again as this would show he fails to put DD first.
He wants 50/50 on.paper to avoid paying CM.
But if he gets it then make sure the court order covers that he must do 50% of the parenting.

And get what weeks you can have her in school holidays to take her away etc. set out properly for each holiday. And that he is responsible for childcare on those weeks if its needed.
Pin it all down in the court order.

So he's been consistent with overnight contact when it suits him, but has declined contact and also ignored the court order when it doesn't suit him.

I would list out every time he's varied from the court order, either declining contact (every weekday contact opportunity), and those times when he should have returned DD to you according to the contact order (mother's day).

I would argue that he's choosing not to take up the small amount of contact he's already entitled to, so why is he asking for more? If he can't cope with her during the week, which days is he expecting to have for his 50:50? Because he can't expect to have every weekend.

What he's proposing (50:50 with you covering all expenses) is only his starting position. Your solicitor needs to offer a counter. You could propose sticking with the current arrangement (because it's already more contact than he seems to want), or you could offer one additional overnight.

But make sure you also state in your position that he would be responsible for financing uniform/clothing for his days, and for funding any childcare needed on his days that he chooses not to take her. Also state that her medical condition means swimming is a necessity, and he's responsible for taking her on his days.

If you somehow get all that in the court order, he might well end up ignoring it anyway. But at least you'll know it's not you being unreasonable, and you'll have hard evidence you can point to for the next time he ends up pushing for more contact (or your mutual friends try and say what a great dad he is).

No normal child contact arrangements though the courts with no safeguarding conserns don't normally involve the school. Cafcass normally just speak to each parent and potentially the child. They won't be checking with your drs or any other 3rd party.
Does your daughter go to a mainstream school or special needs school ? Also tbf a lot of children are unsettled when transitioning between parents home, unfortunately this is the nature of the beast when patents separate. Certainly mine were unsettled, but it wasn't because they needed more time with the other parent. I just feels it's a bit of an assumption for school to make.

On the days he doesn’t show up, is he meant to collect her from school or from you? And at what time?

@JustmeandtheKIDS2

No normal child contact arrangements though the courts with no safeguarding conserns don't normally involve the school. Cafcass normally just speak to each parent and potentially the child. They won't be checking with your drs or any other 3rd party. Does your daughter go to a mainstream school or special needs school ? Also tbf a lot of children are unsettled when transitioning between parents home, unfortunately this is the nature of the beast when patents separate. Certainly mine were unsettled, but it wasn't because they needed more time with the other parent. I just feels it's a bit of an assumption for school to make.

@JustmeandtheKIDS2 Mainstream but she has a support in school and we're in the process of getting an EHCP, she's unlikely to need special school though.

I have nothing to add just to say that I hate the shut the courts put women and children through to allow abusive men access to further damage their kids.

It’s fucking vile.

@user1471504747

On the days he doesn’t show up, is he meant to collect her from school or from you? And at what time?

@user1471504747 From school from 3.30pm drop off to me at 6pm. So 2.5 hours, so thats 5 hours a week he's missing out on.

Then he has 1 overnight EOWend, which works out at about 36 hours. So all in he's supposed to have 40 hoursish over a fortnight.

If you look at the facts, your ex is only attending 50% of his court ordered contact. I'd call that out. I'd not take the schools comments to court, you don't have to. I'd also write into the contact that he has to provide your dc with clothing including uniforms at his own expense, plus any childcare requirements during his contact time. I'd also inc swimming as this has been recommended by a medical professional

Sorry 50ish hours over a fortnight and he has usually 36ish. So over half.

I know it's going to be a job to fight it, but I will. The points made here have been helpful.