Going from EOW for 1 night to 50/50, preparing myself

[7YOChangeToContact]

Posting here as I think this part of MN will be gentler than chat or AIBU

Currently ExH has contact EOW for 1 night. He took me to court when DD was 3 (we split the year before) he was violent and controlling so even though he wanted full residency with no visitation for me, then 50/50, then back to full residency for him but me getting EOW for 1 night.

He was awarded EOW for 1 night instead and 2 nights for tea.

DD is now 7, school year 3.

He never has her in the week anymore but has been consistent with the overnight contact. He always attended school plays or sports days, always attends swimming presentations or Rainbows/Brownies badge giving. But illness and medical appointments (DD has some medical issues) have always been my responsibility, I have always told him about them before they happen but he’s never attended. If she was ever naughty at school (its happened a few times, nothing very bad but she can back chat sometimes – I know it’s bad but compared to the boy who trashes the room most days I wouldn’t say it’s really bad) that’s my fault and he lectures me (often in front of the teacher) about how I need to learn to control her.

In the last 6 months he’s stepped up a bit more which got me suspicious. He started asking about her after appointments, asked about meetings and parents evenings, taking an even bigger interest in activities she does etc. But still leaving illness and appointments to me. Just before Christmas he asked me to send her to a new holiday club, he did all the running around for it although I still paid for it.

Last week I received papers from the court for a variation of the current order. He’s asking for 50/50.

School have told me they will tell cafcass what they believe is best for DD and that’s more contact with her father.

A meeting with my solicitor suggests that he’s likely to get 50/50 as he’s been consistent with the overnight contact plus what school are saying about her needing more contact with him.

This isn’t about stopping him. I’ve resigned myself to it and cried my tears about it as I don’t believe it’s in DDs best interests but it’s not up to me now.

This is about preparing myself for that. The change to my relationship with my DD – we are really close and I admit I miss her when she’s at her dads but I never tell her that and knowing I’ll still be 100% responsible for everything to do with behaviour, medical, illness and I’ll likely still have to pay for all childcare, activities, school uniform and the shoes she needs for her medical conditions with less money coming as he won’t be paying maintenance.

So has anyone been in this situation and managed to cope financially? I suspect this is what it’s about, not just the maintenance but trying to force me to not be able to cope financially so I ask him for help and he can then become RP and get maintenance out of me – He doesn’t know I earn more than him but he can probably work it out, he wouldn’t let me work so I didn’t get my job until a year after I left him.

I would also raise the point, that if DD is expecting to see him on his designated days and he cancels etc (blames working), this will of course heighten her anxiety and also make her more unsettled.

@REignbow

The school are not understanding your daughters behaviour when she has had contact with him. IMO, she probably is unsettled due to being away from you and not that she wants more contact with him.

I would document when he declines to have her on his contact days (like next week), that he expects YOU to organise care etc.

Also, going from what he has now to 50:50, how is this in her best interests?

@REignbow I actually agree with this thinking about it. He doesn't follow her routine here so she's probably confused. Her SN causes memory issues, so I think thats what school are hinting at, that she's forgetting her routine with him and if she spent more time there she'd be more likely to remember it and therefore be more settled which I can sort of understand, but I'm still not convinced 50/50 is right for her.

I would go to the court with "it would be wonderful if he collected DD to week nights and her overnight as at the moment he hasn't even collected her and had her for tea. Once that's in place we could increase to alternate weeks if it proved to be in her best interests.

Op I am so sorry. I have no idea how you prepare yourself.

@REignbow

I would also raise the point, that if DD is expecting to see him on his designated days and he cancels etc (blames working), this will of course heighten her anxiety and also make her more unsettled.

@REignbow Another great point. I try to work set days. I can choose my hours so set my days as for example Monday, Tuesday and Thursday and my mum does the pick ups and drop offs those days. Any extra hours I work during school hours so that her routine doesn't change.

She can cope with change, it just takes her a bit of time and she needs lots of reminders and preperation, so he could argue that as she can cope with it that she can cope with more time there.

Still sounds like supposition to me, OP. Equally someone could assert the upset is from his poor parenting during contact. The emotional consequences of two more equal periods of residency where she is just getting used to one regime before it changing might be much, much worse. Not for the school to assert a possible benefit from an increase change as fact.

Your little girl is unsettled after being with her dad and the school is saying she needs to see him more often? And yet they know he is violent and controlling? I would be absolutely fucking furious with them. How dare they make those suggestions?

Hi,
I think that I would suggest pushing that he can have his extra overnights on the days already court ordered for contact. That way he'd have 3 night a week. Not ideal as you don't get a full weekend, but you're not atm either. Always a noting the club attendance.

If you do this, if also be saying that you have concerns given that he was already awarded these 2 additional days and has chosen to not take advantage of them for the last x years.
I would also push for the special days of the year always being yours, so your birthday will be mother's day, etc, whatever split you prefer for Christmas and easter, daughter's birthday etc. And I'd request an order that states a split for holidays, eg first 3 full weeks of summer holidays or similar. So it's literally as future proofed as possible.

As for clothing, just don't send. Let him behave as he does. You supply her in an outfit and that's it. He buys for her needs with him. Only you can stand up to this bullying.

Childcare costs, reiterate in the cao that you wish to e sure that it contains that in his contact days he's liable for any associated costs linked to clubs, childcare, materials etc.

Choice of clubs that are attended on your time are at your expense.

Re child benefit, there is no splitting it legally. You receive it if the resident parent. If it was genuinely 5050,not 3/7 nights then he could claim it and you attest this. Counting holidays etc.

Likewise 3 nights per week would still mean you get 4/7 of the maintenance.

@ChoiceMummy

Hi, I think that I would suggest pushing that he can have his extra overnights on the days already court ordered for contact. That way he'd have 3 night a week. Not ideal as you don't get a full weekend, but you're not atm either. Always a noting the club attendance.

If you do this, if also be saying that you have concerns given that he was already awarded these 2 additional days and has chosen to not take advantage of them for the last x years.
I would also push for the special days of the year always being yours, so your birthday will be mother's day, etc, whatever split you prefer for Christmas and easter, daughter's birthday etc. And I'd request an order that states a split for holidays, eg first 3 full weeks of summer holidays or similar. So it's literally as future proofed as possible.

As for clothing, just don't send. Let him behave as he does. You supply her in an outfit and that's it. He buys for her needs with him. Only you can stand up to this bullying.

Childcare costs, reiterate in the cao that you wish to e sure that it contains that in his contact days he's liable for any associated costs linked to clubs, childcare, materials etc.

Choice of clubs that are attended on your time are at your expense.

Re child benefit, there is no splitting it legally. You receive it if the resident parent. If it was genuinely 5050,not 3/7 nights then he could claim it and you attest this. Counting holidays etc.

Likewise 3 nights per week would still mean you get 4/7 of the maintenance.

@ChoiceMummy I'd get a full weekend EOW. He only has her Sat to Sun EOWend.

The school can’t apply adult logic to a child’s comment or behaviour. Do you know that your daughter has said she misses her dad & wants to spend more time with him or has the dad told the school this? Are the school reading between the lines (in which case their comments are speculative and treated with a pinch of salt).

You need to appear to be working with the dad towards a better relationship for him with his daughter as courts don’t look favourably on barriers, that said, your daughter has SN and jumping from one night eow to 50/50 is probably too much too soon.

Maybe offer a plan building up to increased time starting with resuming the original court order for one overnight eow and the two evenings/meals and if he is consistent with that you move to every other weekend Friday to Sunday/Monday where you don’t pack or plan for him and the evenings. Force him to Show the judge he’s serious and willing to do what’s necessary. You can’t stop this but you can ensure it’s done with your daughters needs in mind & not as a means to punish or control you.

I would pin down the medical appointments too - if he is a resident parent 50/50 of the time he has to take her. It won’t be received well if he doesn’t as that has the possibility of affecting her health and well-being. CSC can be notified if children don’t attend appointments by Drs and I’m not sure why the court would overlook this it’s key to her health.
I also agree with above posters I think school are putting their own opinions into this judgement and that must be questioned by your solicitor.

@ChoiceMummy

Hi, I think that I would suggest pushing that he can have his extra overnights on the days already court ordered for contact. That way he'd have 3 night a week. Not ideal as you don't get a full weekend, but you're not atm either. Always a noting the club attendance.

If you do this, if also be saying that you have concerns given that he was already awarded these 2 additional days and has chosen to not take advantage of them for the last x years.
I would also push for the special days of the year always being yours, so your birthday will be mother's day, etc, whatever split you prefer for Christmas and easter, daughter's birthday etc. And I'd request an order that states a split for holidays, eg first 3 full weeks of summer holidays or similar. So it's literally as future proofed as possible.

As for clothing, just don't send. Let him behave as he does. You supply her in an outfit and that's it. He buys for her needs with him. Only you can stand up to this bullying.

Childcare costs, reiterate in the cao that you wish to e sure that it contains that in his contact days he's liable for any associated costs linked to clubs, childcare, materials etc.

Choice of clubs that are attended on your time are at your expense.

Re child benefit, there is no splitting it legally. You receive it if the resident parent. If it was genuinely 5050,not 3/7 nights then he could claim it and you attest this. Counting holidays etc.

Likewise 3 nights per week would still mean you get 4/7 of the maintenance.

This is excellent advice. I wouldn't push for the special days. Just make an alternative day special in your own calendar. That will take away his power ever so slightly. I would also go to Women's Aid. And id make sure that the school knew I was onto them. Id be furious. What a bastard.

@ChoiceMummy

Hi, I think that I would suggest pushing that he can have his extra overnights on the days already court ordered for contact. That way he'd have 3 night a week. Not ideal as you don't get a full weekend, but you're not atm either. Always a noting the club attendance.

If you do this, if also be saying that you have concerns given that he was already awarded these 2 additional days and has chosen to not take advantage of them for the last x years.
I would also push for the special days of the year always being yours, so your birthday will be mother's day, etc, whatever split you prefer for Christmas and easter, daughter's birthday etc. And I'd request an order that states a split for holidays, eg first 3 full weeks of summer holidays or similar. So it's literally as future proofed as possible.

As for clothing, just don't send. Let him behave as he does. You supply her in an outfit and that's it. He buys for her needs with him. Only you can stand up to this bullying.

Childcare costs, reiterate in the cao that you wish to e sure that it contains that in his contact days he's liable for any associated costs linked to clubs, childcare, materials etc.

Choice of clubs that are attended on your time are at your expense.

Re child benefit, there is no splitting it legally. You receive it if the resident parent. If it was genuinely 5050,not 3/7 nights then he could claim it and you attest this. Counting holidays etc.

Likewise 3 nights per week would still mean you get 4/7 of the maintenance.

@ChoiceMummy Sorry read half the post replied and now read the other half

I would also push for the special days of the year always being yours, so your birthday will be mother's day, etc, whatever split you prefer for Christmas and easter

Current order says he gets Fathers Day, her Birthday and Easter Sunday which he obviously takes all of because they're special days and make him look good. I'm supposed to get Mother's Day but last year it fell on his weekend and even though I asked for her back he took her out with his own mum. I didn't kick up a fuss and just had the day another time. He also gets every Christmas Day afternoon from 2pm until Boxing Day 2pm, which again he always takes.

With 2 week nights and one night EOW that's only 5/14.

@Alpenguin

The school can’t apply adult logic to a child’s comment or behaviour. Do you know that your daughter has said she misses her dad & wants to spend more time with him or has the dad told the school this? Are the school reading between the lines (in which case their comments are speculative and treated with a pinch of salt).

You need to appear to be working with the dad towards a better relationship for him with his daughter as courts don’t look favourably on barriers, that said, your daughter has SN and jumping from one night eow to 50/50 is probably too much too soon.

Maybe offer a plan building up to increased time starting with resuming the original court order for one overnight eow and the two evenings/meals and if he is consistent with that you move to every other weekend Friday to Sunday/Monday where you don’t pack or plan for him and the evenings. Force him to Show the judge he’s serious and willing to do what’s necessary. You can’t stop this but you can ensure it’s done with your daughters needs in mind & not as a means to punish or control you.

@Alpenguin School have it in writing that's what she's said to them, whether she's actually said it I don't know.

The school seem to be behaving in a very sexist manner if they think it is acceptable for your ex to NOT have her because he is working.
In US speak, do you regard them as hostile?

I would think that the natural progression here would be from him having her 1 night eow to him having her 2 nights eow. That is what most non resident parents have. Why not suggest that?

OP can you argue that the swimming needs to continue because it helps with her medical conditions? For example, it’s a safe way for her to build muscle tone/coordination/cardiovascular stamina etc without over stressing joints (please ignore if it’s not a relevant argument). Was swimming ever recommended by her drs/physiotherapist?

I’m thinking you could get it written into the court order that he needs to contribute half of the cost of the swimming lessons (because it’s part of managing her health issues) if you end up with 50/50 and no child maintenance.

You need a second opinion/different solicitor.
1 night EOW —> 50/50 is a huge jump and it’s difficult to see his it can be spun as safely in the interests of the child.
A reasonable next step would be full weekend Friday evening - mon morning and another night eg the following Wednesday. Plus a clear half of all school holidays. A year of seeing how that goes and then 50/50 if it seems appropriate.
I’m surprised that school is willing to get involved but I imagine (hope) they will write something quite generic.
Finally. re swimming and brownies - if it comes to it, tell them to get over themselves and not to discriminate against a child with two homes going through a big change that needs some stability.

Sorry op I'm confused. Why are school so involved? It's a civil matter and school don't like to get involved. Well that was my experience and what I was told from school. School only got involved when there were safeguarding conserns, which isn't the case with your situation.

Brownie leader speaking here - please chat to your leadership team and let them know what’s going on. Not all the gory details, but just an overview so they know your circumstances might be changing. Yes, in an ideal world girls attend every week because then they get the chance to complete the whole programme, but I’d never dream of taking away a space because a girl could only come EOW due to circumstances beyond her control. In our unit, and I would think most others, as subs are paid termly, the space is hers for as long as she’s getting something out her time with us. I’ve had girls in exactly the same scenario as you, and I’ve set them challenges to do in their weeks at home so they don’t miss out entirely. I’ve also had a Brownie who left her jacket with us in the cupboard each week so she could pull it on top her regular clothes and it went home with Mum each half term for a wash and to sew any new badges on. Saying that, if a girl couldn’t wear uniform every week again, we wouldn’t let that be a barrier to her attending.

A discreet chat with your leaders let’s them help you, and hopefully keeps your daughter in an activity she enjoys providing some consistency during this period of change x

I wouldn’t be so happy with the school being so involved, what members of staff are saying all of this to you?

I would start a journal including the dates he’s missed contact, and any concerns you have with DD.

On the nights he has contact for tea, not overnight, is he meant to collect her from school or what does the order state?

It’s really unlikely he’ll get 50/50 OP this is just his way of trying to control you

@FunkyBrownie 👏 beautiful spirit

Surely next step is him having her Sunday nights and school experience how she is after that??

School is ridiculous