Going from EOW for 1 night to 50/50, preparing myself

[7YOChangeToContact]

Posting here as I think this part of MN will be gentler than chat or AIBU

Currently ExH has contact EOW for 1 night. He took me to court when DD was 3 (we split the year before) he was violent and controlling so even though he wanted full residency with no visitation for me, then 50/50, then back to full residency for him but me getting EOW for 1 night.

He was awarded EOW for 1 night instead and 2 nights for tea.

DD is now 7, school year 3.

He never has her in the week anymore but has been consistent with the overnight contact. He always attended school plays or sports days, always attends swimming presentations or Rainbows/Brownies badge giving. But illness and medical appointments (DD has some medical issues) have always been my responsibility, I have always told him about them before they happen but he’s never attended. If she was ever naughty at school (its happened a few times, nothing very bad but she can back chat sometimes – I know it’s bad but compared to the boy who trashes the room most days I wouldn’t say it’s really bad) that’s my fault and he lectures me (often in front of the teacher) about how I need to learn to control her.

In the last 6 months he’s stepped up a bit more which got me suspicious. He started asking about her after appointments, asked about meetings and parents evenings, taking an even bigger interest in activities she does etc. But still leaving illness and appointments to me. Just before Christmas he asked me to send her to a new holiday club, he did all the running around for it although I still paid for it.

Last week I received papers from the court for a variation of the current order. He’s asking for 50/50.

School have told me they will tell cafcass what they believe is best for DD and that’s more contact with her father.

A meeting with my solicitor suggests that he’s likely to get 50/50 as he’s been consistent with the overnight contact plus what school are saying about her needing more contact with him.

This isn’t about stopping him. I’ve resigned myself to it and cried my tears about it as I don’t believe it’s in DDs best interests but it’s not up to me now.

This is about preparing myself for that. The change to my relationship with my DD – we are really close and I admit I miss her when she’s at her dads but I never tell her that and knowing I’ll still be 100% responsible for everything to do with behaviour, medical, illness and I’ll likely still have to pay for all childcare, activities, school uniform and the shoes she needs for her medical conditions with less money coming as he won’t be paying maintenance.

So has anyone been in this situation and managed to cope financially? I suspect this is what it’s about, not just the maintenance but trying to force me to not be able to cope financially so I ask him for help and he can then become RP and get maintenance out of me – He doesn’t know I earn more than him but he can probably work it out, he wouldn’t let me work so I didn’t get my job until a year after I left him.

Good. X you really have got your head screwed on. It worries me sometimes on MN when advise is given like like. Very well meaning but probably not people who have had to go through the court system.

If he wants 50/50, then its half of everything. I haven't RTFT so apologies if I'm repeating many other posts. Your solicitor needs to get stated into the court order that he is responsible for childcare costs / activities, appointments, paying for and providing uniform during his 50/50 time. This can be done, if this isn't something your solicitor feels they can fight for, then I think you need to change your solicitor.
So he never stepped up to tea twice a week, but now wants 50/50? Have his circumstances changed?

@Hiphopboppertybop99

If he wants 50/50, then its half of everything. I haven't RTFT so apologies if I'm repeating many other posts. Your solicitor needs to get stated into the court order that he is responsible for childcare costs / activities, appointments, paying for and providing uniform during his 50/50 time. This can be done, if this isn't something your solicitor feels they can fight for, then I think you need to change your solicitor. So he never stepped up to tea twice a week, but now wants 50/50? Have his circumstances changed?

@Hiphopboppertybop99 If he gets 50/50 it will be 50/50 in everything apart from school uniform and appointments, I'm not letting DD be worried about incorrect uniform and I'm not not attending appointments when I know the full picture.

@7YOChangeToContact absolutely go to the medical appointments, apologies if I misread the situation I thought you wanted him to take her. But he can do his share of the dentist etc.
As for uniform, he should still contribute to the cost of this for the uniform at his home. If you don't make a stance on this now, he will never contribute.

It's not that the school should enforce a court order and leaving a child at school wouldn't be good parenting. It's that the school seems to assert an unsubstantiated opinion that his DD should have greater paternal contact when his poor parenting is demonstrated by that not picking up his child. Also that the fact of his DD being unsettled would be improved by greater paternal contact rather than a result of his poor parenting. If the school in any report asserts such opinions beyond the facts that he refuses to pick up his child and his child is unhappy after his contact day then hopefully there will be scope for the OP's solicitor to point out the unsubstantiated assertions that are not in the OP's interest. Hopefully the school's report will be written in green crayon, stapled to a Father's for Justice meeting flyer dated 1952 to point out the school's underlying way of thinking.

@Zilla1

It's not that the school should enforce a court order and leaving a child at school wouldn't be good parenting. It's that the school seems to assert an unsubstantiated opinion that his DD should have greater paternal contact when his poor parenting is demonstrated by that not picking up his child. Also that the fact of his DD being unsettled would be improved by greater paternal contact rather than a result of his poor parenting. If the school in any report asserts such opinions beyond the facts that he refuses to pick up his child and his child is unhappy after his contact day then hopefully there will be scope for the OP's solicitor to point out the unsubstantiated assertions that are not in the OP's interest. Hopefully the school's report will be written in green crayon, stapled to a Father's for Justice meeting flyer dated 1952 to point out the school's underlying way of thinking.

@Zilla1 Another good point thank you.

Obviously I have no idea what DD is saying about ExH or I to members of staff so that could also be influencing their stance on it.

- Get my solicitor to ask why he doesn't sort childcare

Is this actually what you want tho? If he doesn't want to look after her himself during the week, wouldn't it be best for you to have first refusal (rather than a childminder)?

@LannieDuck

- Get my solicitor to ask why he doesn't sort childcare

Is this actually what you want tho? If he doesn't want to look after her himself during the week, wouldn't it be best for you to have first refusal (rather than a childminder)?

No because OP also uses childcare as she also works. If he's 50/50 and not paying maintenance then he needs to pay for childcare just as OP does.

Havent read whole thread and cant help re contact issues but surely you should be entitled to DLA for your DD and poss extra UC (disabled child element). That should help with medical appts expenses etc

@Zilla1

It's not that the school should enforce a court order and leaving a child at school wouldn't be good parenting. It's that the school seems to assert an unsubstantiated opinion that his DD should have greater paternal contact when his poor parenting is demonstrated by that not picking up his child. Also that the fact of his DD being unsettled would be improved by greater paternal contact rather than a result of his poor parenting. If the school in any report asserts such opinions beyond the facts that he refuses to pick up his child and his child is unhappy after his contact day then hopefully there will be scope for the OP's solicitor to point out the unsubstantiated assertions that are not in the OP's interest. Hopefully the school's report will be written in green crayon, stapled to a Father's for Justice meeting flyer dated 1952 to point out the school's underlying way of thinking.

Oooft I love this post.

Had a meeting with my solicitor today, she thinks we can fight 50/50 as he's not taking the contact he has but it still could go in his favour.

She will bring up the returning in dressing gown in court but she doesn't think the judge will be bothered or care because in photos he's putting her in clothes that his family buy, he's just not letting her come home in them. She thinks the best we might get is that she is returned in the clothes she was sent in bar knickers and socks which should be clean.

She thinks cafcass should speak to DDs headteacher so we can find out exactly why she thinks more contact is in DDs interests, and then maybe put questions to her after the initial hearing.

She thinks we can also request that other than family childcare ExH uses the same childcare I do (i.e. holiday club) so she's got continituity. Which given he's already said he knows how much she loves it shouldn't be hard. So I've got to get in touch with the company who runs the holiday club and ask them if they can have two accounts for one child or whether it needs to all be done through my account, if thats the case we can ask for financial order/charging order to be added so ExH has to give me extra CM to cover his childcare.

I told you she was good, she just never makes any promises or guarentees and always tells you worst case scenario. Which I prefer. I'd rather prepare myself for the worst and be surprised when it's not as bad as I was expecting.

That sounds really positive OP and dont be scared off using a solicitor that you trust just because some knee jerk mumsnetter thinks she should be able to promise you the moon and sixpence.

It would be a disgrace if he got 50/50 when he can't even have her the extra 2 nights for tea. Honestly I don't think I could understand anyone who thinks this could be a good thing, and not just see it for what it is which is a power play, and to get out of CM.

@purpleboy

It would be a disgrace if he got 50/50 when he can't even have her the extra 2 nights for tea. Honestly I don't think I could understand anyone who thinks this could be a good thing, and not just see it for what it is which is a power play, and to get out of CM.

@purpleboy But we have to prepare that the judge may give him 50/50 and even if ExH gets it he may still leave everything to me, so I need to be prepared for that.

My Solicitor can't promise that she can stop him getting 50/50 because she just can't, he could get it, the fact he's been consistent on his EOWend contact will go in his favour. And no solicitor should promise me they can stop it.

That doesn't mean we're giving up or giving him what he wants without a fight but we have to be realistic. There is a very real chance he could get 50/50.

It would be very wrong of them to promise something when it's not your solicitor who has the final say. Just to reassure you I've been to the family courts many many times (about 14 times). My solicitor has never promised me an outcome, even when it's pretty clear cut (well in my head!)
Patents are always going back to court for a variation of the existing contact order. Your ex could say he couldn't have the child for the tea date as he's working . But that if he gets 50/50 he would use a child minder or something. Yes it doesn't look good on him but it's not the bee all!
He has still remained consistent with the other contact . You are right to go in open minded! Even if he gets 50/50 he may not even keep to it.

You sound so much more in control now op, better informed and calmer. Glad to see your solicitor seems to know what they are doing and is managing expectations

I don't know enough about courts etc to offer advice, but do make sure you have a shit hot lawyer as there seems to be lots of holes in his plan.

I do know something about the working of arrogant pricks minds though. How much are you in contact with him at the moment? Can you pretend to be pleased about his request? Ie send a text:

"got your court papers, I didn't know you wanted more time with X. You're currently not seeing her the 2 evenings you're supposed to and I've been wanting to join a pole dancing class / go out with a new friend on Thursdays so shall we agree you'll have her from now on? Or how about you increase your EOWend contact to Friday - Monday, that would be fine with me & so I can get a few weekends away sorted. Seems crazy to spend £££ on a court battle when you aren't taking up the contact you were awarded last time and so why not just have her a few more nights for a while? "

Did he get 50/50 @7YOChangeToContact ?