Going from EOW for 1 night to 50/50, preparing myself

[7YOChangeToContact]

Posting here as I think this part of MN will be gentler than chat or AIBU

Currently ExH has contact EOW for 1 night. He took me to court when DD was 3 (we split the year before) he was violent and controlling so even though he wanted full residency with no visitation for me, then 50/50, then back to full residency for him but me getting EOW for 1 night.

He was awarded EOW for 1 night instead and 2 nights for tea.

DD is now 7, school year 3.

He never has her in the week anymore but has been consistent with the overnight contact. He always attended school plays or sports days, always attends swimming presentations or Rainbows/Brownies badge giving. But illness and medical appointments (DD has some medical issues) have always been my responsibility, I have always told him about them before they happen but he’s never attended. If she was ever naughty at school (its happened a few times, nothing very bad but she can back chat sometimes – I know it’s bad but compared to the boy who trashes the room most days I wouldn’t say it’s really bad) that’s my fault and he lectures me (often in front of the teacher) about how I need to learn to control her.

In the last 6 months he’s stepped up a bit more which got me suspicious. He started asking about her after appointments, asked about meetings and parents evenings, taking an even bigger interest in activities she does etc. But still leaving illness and appointments to me. Just before Christmas he asked me to send her to a new holiday club, he did all the running around for it although I still paid for it.

Last week I received papers from the court for a variation of the current order. He’s asking for 50/50.

School have told me they will tell cafcass what they believe is best for DD and that’s more contact with her father.

A meeting with my solicitor suggests that he’s likely to get 50/50 as he’s been consistent with the overnight contact plus what school are saying about her needing more contact with him.

This isn’t about stopping him. I’ve resigned myself to it and cried my tears about it as I don’t believe it’s in DDs best interests but it’s not up to me now.

This is about preparing myself for that. The change to my relationship with my DD – we are really close and I admit I miss her when she’s at her dads but I never tell her that and knowing I’ll still be 100% responsible for everything to do with behaviour, medical, illness and I’ll likely still have to pay for all childcare, activities, school uniform and the shoes she needs for her medical conditions with less money coming as he won’t be paying maintenance.

So has anyone been in this situation and managed to cope financially? I suspect this is what it’s about, not just the maintenance but trying to force me to not be able to cope financially so I ask him for help and he can then become RP and get maintenance out of me – He doesn’t know I earn more than him but he can probably work it out, he wouldn’t let me work so I didn’t get my job until a year after I left him.

@Blueroses99 I would never stop ExH attending but I will be going whether he does or not, the problem at the moment is its only 1 parent per child, so it makes sense for it to be me because I know whats going on with school and other specialists.

Totally makes sense and my own experience suggests this is the best approach. Other posters are saying your ex should do half of appointments (alone) if it’s on his time but this is not a good idea - as you have said, you know what’s going on with school and other specialists.

I would stop sending uniform and clothes now and document the dressing gown if it happens- he may stop that as part of his push for contact. And try and get the contact order dependant on taking her to activities, paying for activities and paying childcare so you aren’t breaking it if you keep her because he doesn’t do any of those. If it’s his night on a weeknight he will have to arrange something for collecting her from school won’t he??

@timeisnotaline

I would stop sending uniform and clothes now and document the dressing gown if it happens- he may stop that as part of his push for contact. And try and get the contact order dependant on taking her to activities, paying for activities and paying childcare so you aren’t breaking it if you keep her because he doesn’t do any of those. If it’s his night on a weeknight he will have to arrange something for collecting her from school won’t he??

@timeisnotaline Unfortunately when he first stopped collecting her on a weeknight I told him I wouldn't be doing it, I told school to call him but they called me and made it my problem. They said it wasn't for them to enforce the order and as RP I will be called to collect her if he doesn't. So I can't just leave her.

Make sure that your lawyer details all the ways he isn't following the current order.
Eg not having her mid week, not providing childcare, not taking her to clubs, not having her if she's ill, not taking her to medical appointments, not returning her for mothers day, not providing her with clothes!.

He's an Instagram parent, he doesn't do any of the hard stuff, just the glory bits that make him look good.
Who's to say she isn't unsettled after being with him because he's abusive and yells. He has a track record of this after all. School wouldn't have a clue. He could very easily have coached her to say that she missed him.

I'd be pushing hard for the court to ask him to follow CURRENT order for eg a year, then increase to EOW from after school Fri to drop back to school Monday for a year.

Then add in Wed night too, with a provision that in school holidays, that is all day Wed inclusive of any holiday care needed.
Then in secondary school, look for 50/50 or 60/40.

And if he gets 50/50 and they persist in calling you go back to court and ask for a variation

Well if he wants 50:50 he'll have to collect her on his days or make alternate arrangements won't he?. If the school call you, say no and stand your ground.

@Ginger1982

Well if he wants 50:50 he'll have to collect her on his days or make alternate arrangements won't he?. If the school call you, say no and stand your ground.

@Ginger1982 I honestly did and they said if I didn't collect or make arrangements for her to be picked up they'd hand her over to SS and I'd have to explain myself to them, I'm terrified of SS so I just made arrangements. Then I got the lecture from the HT about being RP and it not being their job to enforce the order.

I very nearly changed DDs school over it, if it wasn't for the fact that she gets so much support and is genuinely very happy there, I would of.

But it's his responsibility! If the school call on a day he's meant to get her, don't answer. You could be doing anything that evening out of signal range in the belief that he is collecting her. If SS are called, he would be the one needing to explain himself.

Personally I would have left the school over that not them expecting me to collect but the lecture? I would have been clear I wouldn't be the one explaining to children services they would be explaining why he wasn't called first

So he collects her from school and frequently misses these afternoons, which means he’s just not collecting her from school? Is he telling you ahead of time or do the school call you and say she hasn’t been collected?

I would simply stop collecting her at normal time that day. If he calls or texts ignore them. If the school call day by the court order it’s his evening. Say you’re half an hour away or something and collect her a little late.

Courts will care about her just being left by him, and the school won’t be as generous towards him in court if he’s regularly inconveniencing them.

Sorry missed the last page somehow. Handing her to SS will work in your favour, if you have a court order that says it’s him that collects on that day it’s him that will be looking like an unsuitable parent not you. That can only go in your favour OP, they’re not going to remove her from you because HE didn’t collect her, and they’re not going to give him more time with her if school are being forced to call SS due to his lack of care

@user1471504747

So he collects her from school and frequently misses these afternoons, which means he’s just not collecting her from school? Is he telling you ahead of time or do the school call you and say she hasn’t been collected?

I would simply stop collecting her at normal time that day. If he calls or texts ignore them. If the school call day by the court order it’s his evening. Say you’re half an hour away or something and collect her a little late.

Courts will care about her just being left by him, and the school won’t be as generous towards him in court if he’s regularly inconveniencing them.

@user1471504747

which means he’s just not collecting her from school?

Yes he stopped picking her up

Is he telling you ahead of time or do the school call you and say she hasn’t been collected?

He told me the first few times then a few weeks later told me he could no longer get the time off work so I'd have to pick her up.

Trust me I nearly fell out with the HT over it, but she insists that it's my responsibility as RP, she told me it's not theirs or SSs jobs to enforce the order and as the RP it's my responsibility to ensure she's collected even on his night. She said she wouldn't show SS the court order unless they asked and even then SS would take their side and say it's my job because the order only says he will collect her from school it doesn't say that I am not to be contacted in his absense.

The HT sounds ridiculous, I would contact her only in writing from here on out, or follow up all verbal communication with a written summary via email. And start building up a complaint.

She sounds over involved and threatening to an utterly unprofessional degree and I’d be concerned for her judgement with any safeguarding cases.

So sorry you’re going through this OP you sound like a wonderful caring mother

OP, you seem entirely focused on your DC's best interests which is good and I imagine your life would be much easier if your ex was too.

Please don't allow him to shape your thinking in his favour, nor to help him make his argument.

The school notice your DC is unhappy after contact - fine. Any presumption it is because it is too short = wrong. It could be because his parenting is poor or abusive on his one day. The school say he doesn't make sure his child is picked up - ask them if they have mentioned that in their report.

He can't be bothered to pick up his child because 'work'. The school facilitate that. He doesn't take his child to appointments because 'work'. He doesn't have the two days contact he is currently responsible for. Fingers crossed all of that leads to scrutiny of his parenting rather than some presumption of 50:50 though I've heard many patients say how unsatisfactory the courts and CAFCASS can sometimes be.

BTW, do the school head and the other teachers dress up as Batman and Robin at weekends and protest about men's rights? Or perhaps use their time machine to return to the 1950s where the mother had responsibility for children.

@Zilla1

OP, you seem entirely focused on your DC's best interests which is good and I imagine your life would be much easier if your ex was too.

Please don't allow him to shape your thinking in his favour, nor to help him make his argument.

The school notice your DC is unhappy after contact - fine. Any presumption it is because it is too short = wrong. It could be because his parenting is poor or abusive on his one day. The school say he doesn't make sure his child is picked up - ask them if they have mentioned that in their report.

He can't be bothered to pick up his child because 'work'. The school facilitate that. He doesn't take his child to appointments because 'work'. He doesn't have the two days contact he is currently responsible for. Fingers crossed all of that leads to scrutiny of his parenting rather than some presumption of 50:50 though I've heard many patients say how unsatisfactory the courts and CAFCASS can sometimes be.

BTW, do the school head and the other teachers dress up as Batman and Robin at weekends and protest about men's rights? Or perhaps use their time machine to return to the 1950s where the mother had responsibility for children.

@Zilla1 It's completely bizarre the attitude towards the court order, in every other sense they're amazing, go out of their way to help DD, always respond to my emails asking how I can help her and even check in on us during the summer holidays.

It's just such a difference to how they usually are.

The head teacher sounds awful! I would be making a complaint about this. If you have a court order stating he should be collecting her then it's completely reasonable that you will have made arrangements for that time. You could be hours away if you're not expected home until 6. Then what? The teaching staff will wait for 3 hours? How is that best for your daughter?

Absolutely ensure that everything is documented through email.

I do not believe for a minute the court would go from 'you're not sticking to your current court order' to 'we'll give 50/50'. Your lawyer might be great when it comes to litigation but it sounds like she is not confident in her abilities and you need someone that can back themselves. This is a child's life.

I would speak to another solicitor solely to see what their opinion is, it doesn't mean you have to change. The whole thing sounds outrageous. Ask that he manages to stick to the current order (which he should be able to do if he wants 50/50) then reassess in 6 months to up to full weekends EOW then go from there.

Medical issues aside, she is only 7 and this is a massive change which should be brought about gradually as this process is for what is in HER best interests, not her Dad's. I am fuming on your behalf! (And I speak as someone who deals with an ex where we are both flexible, no court order and both do what is best for the kids).

The headteacher is being ridiculous.

IN your position I would be collecting a nice little file of evidence of him turning down contact between now and April.

So next time it’s his day mid week i would text something like “it’s your contact day today. Are you collecting from school?” And if he replies to say no I’d reply with something like “I’m working today. Have you booked any childcare?”.

Hopefully you’ve still got the messages from the half term conversation too. And you could maybe message to check whether he has booked any childcare for those days if he can’t have her....

Il sure your solicitor can give you some ideas of what evidence would be helpful.

@wildseas

IN your position I would be collecting a nice little file of evidence of him turning down contact between now and April.

So next time it’s his day mid week i would text something like “it’s your contact day today. Are you collecting from school?” And if he replies to say no I’d reply with something like “I’m working today. Have you booked any childcare?”.

Hopefully you’ve still got the messages from the half term conversation too. And you could maybe message to check whether he has booked any childcare for those days if he can’t have her....

Il sure your solicitor can give you some ideas of what evidence would be helpful.

@wildseas I have the conversations, I am going to ask my solicitor if there's a way to not involve school because I think they could make this situation worse.

Evidence I'm gathering:

• Half term not providing childcare
• Not picking her up on his nights because of "work"
• Get my solicitor to ask why he doesn't sort childcare
• Look at sticking to current arrangement for 6-12m then increase

At the same time I am preparing myself that it could go in his favour. So I've:

• Going to try and manage financially without the CM by putting it in a different account each month
• Talk to Swimming and Brownies about options in case he refuses to take her
• Stock up on 2nd hand uniform so I've got plenty and can hand a load over to him - I know i've been advised here not to but I'm not having DD worrying about not having correct uniform or him not returning it to me because he's petty

Just to say you don't have to have week on/off for it to be 50/50. You can specify certain days are yours so that she can attend regular activities. My view is that that's preferable for children as it becomes part of their routine like a school timetable. I would absolutely flag the after school issues as part of your reason for not agreeing.

That sounds like a really sensible approach @7YOChangeToContact

@user1471504747

The HT sounds ridiculous, I would contact her only in writing from here on out, or follow up all verbal communication with a written summary via email. And start building up a complaint.

She sounds over involved and threatening to an utterly unprofessional degree and I’d be concerned for her judgement with any safeguarding cases.

So sorry you’re going through this OP you sound like a wonderful caring mother

Yes, my next verbal communication with HT id say I think you have the wrong end of the stick. Her dad is an abusive controlling man so i hope you’re very confident you are right that dds poor performance after seeing him is due to not seeing him enough, rather than his poor parenting negatively impacting her well-being. If you are going to tell a court that you had better be right, my child’s health and development are whats at risk here.

It'd not the schools place to inforce a civil court order.
I had the same thing, my children's father dropped the evening in the week. He told me the first few weeks then just said it was permanent. Weather I agreed or not, I had no choice but to collect the children. I did make him call the school and say though, so they heard it from the horse's mouth, so to speak.
The thing is, if he's not going to collect your daughter (you carnt make him) even with a court order. Then of course you have to collect her.
Having a court order doesn't come before having PR. Yes of course he should be keeping to the court order and collecting her, but he's not. Allowing SS to collect her as someone suggested above, won't look good on either of you.you collecting her and recording they he didn't will go in your favour. Neither of you collecting her and allowing her to be collected by someone she doesn't know from SS, would be potentially damaging for her and would look dreadful on you. Speak to your solicitor about this matter if your not sure what to do for the best. But honestly don't just leave her at school, they won't be seen as good patenting.

@JustmeandtheKIDS2

It'd not the schools place to inforce a civil court order. I had the same thing, my children's father dropped the evening in the week. He told me the first few weeks then just said it was permanent. Weather I agreed or not, I had no choice but to collect the children. I did make him call the school and say though, so they heard it from the horse's mouth, so to speak. The thing is, if he's not going to collect your daughter (you carnt make him) even with a court order. Then of course you have to collect her. Having a court order doesn't come before having PR. Yes of course he should be keeping to the court order and collecting her, but he's not. Allowing SS to collect her as someone suggested above, won't look good on either of you.you collecting her and recording they he didn't will go in your favour. Neither of you collecting her and allowing her to be collected by someone she doesn't know from SS, would be potentially damaging for her and would look dreadful on you. Speak to your solicitor about this matter if your not sure what to do for the best. But honestly don't just leave her at school, they won't be seen as good patenting.

@JustmeandtheKIDS2 Thank you, you're completely right and I get the schools POV as well, a friend suggested I see it as a compliment rather than an insult. They know I'm the reliable one and won't leave her, so that's why they call me.

Also to add, I've not always collected her but have made arrangements, and now I've got a more permanent arrangement in place so I can still work that day (my mum or holiday club depending on when it is).