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Original poster

Am I being paranoid here?

137 replies

Canaryblue · 18/02/2022 13:46

Been with my partner for 4 years, and currently pregnant with my first child.
We were out for a meal and bumped into an ex of his, who got really nasty. She basically ignored me entirely but laid into him with absolute anger. I was really taken aback because I never expected this out of nowhere.
He was terrible too. When she had com up and snapped at him he somehow taunted her and that made her even angrier. She said horrible things, like what she hoped would happen to “his” baby and this really upset me. He got angry at that, but at that stage she was already being asked to leave. It was so embarrassing, and everyone was staring at that stage.
I asked him of course what on earth this had been about, because wtf?? He said he had been seeing her for a while when he had been working at uni, but that it had been short and that he didn’t know what this was about, and that she was obviously unhinged.
That would have placed the two of them together ten years ago. I can’t help thinking that there must be more to the story and that there is something he isn’t telling me :( I mean who would still be this angry after such a long time??
I’m so torn. I really want to know what this was about but I’m also terrified of running into her again because I can’t get over what she said.
I don’t know what to do or if I should just let it be. I don’t want to ruin everything by being paranoid.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 18/02/2022 14:21

Have you asked him what's behind there being such anger after so long? Stop worrying about being paranoid, you're allowed your feelings, and if you don't feel secure with him, then between you you have to be able to make you feel secure, otherwise you'll just keep feeling horrible. It doesn't matter who's right. It doesn't matter if it makes sense. It matters how you feel, and how you both deal with that.

Think about a fear of spiders (in the UK) It's totally irrational, it's paranoid, it's hysterical. But a loving partner will help you deal with it put spiders outside, make sure you never have to deal with them. A less worthy partner will make you feel like you're paranoid, being stupid, over reacting etc.

Tell him you're uncomfortable, unsettled by what happened. Tell him why. Do it calmly. It's up to him then, whether it turns into over reactions or you being called paranoid. Let him show you who he is.

How do the two of you usually deal with conflict? Is he respectful, does he listen to you?

Bookworm20 · 18/02/2022 15:07

Sounds very bizarre for a short relationship over 10 years ago. What was he saying to taunt her?
And what sort of things was she saying?

Do you think they might be much more recent than that 10 years? Or he did something really really bad to make her hate him so much?
It is really strange,no wonder you're feeling a bit paranoid about it

Original poster
Canaryblue · 18/02/2022 15:08

He has impaired empathy, so discussing these matters can be a bit difficult. We can talk about things but he often can’t understand my view and vice versa, so I need to explain a lot. In this case I can’t understand how he can’t see why this upset me.
All he said was that he didn’t see her for very long, and that she took it badly when he dumped her. I just find it so strange that someone would hold a grudge for being let for this long. I don’t want to annoy him with this but it still has me unsettled so I think I do need to raise it again.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 18/02/2022 15:14

We can talk about things but he often can’t understand my view and vice versa

How does conflict get resolved, generally?

Original poster
Canaryblue · 18/02/2022 15:29

@Bookworm20
She called him a lying scumbag and asked if he had any idea what he had done to her. He laughed and said that he barely even remembered her, and that then got her really mad, saying that he had messed her up but that she’d at least learned to stay away from people like him, and that she pitied anyone who’d fall for him. He only got angry when she said this horrible stuff about our baby, before that he had seemed more amused. She never said anything to me at all, which was really strange because she was obviously talking about me while I was there. I just can’t see how anybody could wish such a horrible thing on someone who they’d never met before.
He’s really caring and I’ve never seen him as anything she described him as, so I don’t understand it. I have seen him taunt people before when they are agitated, and I don’t like it. But in this case something just doesn’t fit.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 18/02/2022 15:33

I have seen him taunt people before when they are agitated, and I don’t like it

Does this not put you off him, regardless of anything else?

Original poster
Canaryblue · 18/02/2022 15:36

@Watchkeys

We can talk about things but he often can’t understand my view and vice versa

How does conflict get resolved, generally?

Depends. Sometimes we agree to disagree, other times I just leave it because it’s not worth the discussion. When it’s something that I really need then I tell him so. It’s. compromise really. He does acknowledge that he lacks in this department.
OP posts:
ACNHlife · 18/02/2022 15:39

What's going to happen when both of you don't agree on something for the baby?

momtoboys · 18/02/2022 15:42

"He has impaired empathy". Real question - is this just a fancy way of saying he's a jerk?

Theunamedcat · 18/02/2022 15:43

Are you obviously pregnant? Maybe she had an abortion it seems like she was focused in that area?

Shuffleuplove · 18/02/2022 15:46

Impaired empathy?

girlmom21 · 18/02/2022 15:50

What does he think he's done that could have upset her so much?

Did he sleep with her mom, best friend or sister?
Did he steal from her?
Did he give her an STI?

People don't stay that angry for that long without good reason.

Original poster
Canaryblue · 18/02/2022 16:01

He can be a bit of a jerk at times, but I don’t think he’s a bad person. He just often can’t see thing from other perspectives and it often takes him a long time to think about it.
My bump is visible now, yes. The thought of an abortion hadn’t even entered my head..I can understand why this would have upset her then :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Canaryblue · 18/02/2022 16:05

Urgh, I’ll talk to him later again. I hate being inquisitive but I
there is no other way to find out what happened really. At least I’m not the only one who thinks this was more than weird.

OP posts:
talkingbubble · 18/02/2022 16:14

@girlmom21

What does he think he's done that could have upset her so much?

Did he sleep with her mom, best friend or sister?
Did he steal from her?
Did he give her an STI?

People don't stay that angry for that long without good reason.

Agreed, anger simply subsides after a while in these cases, unless something major happened.

You won't get the truth from him. Can you ask her?

Ronaldmcdonaldhair · 18/02/2022 16:17

I’ve dated people 10+ years ago who did some awful things to me eg abuse, rape and worse and I don’t hold that level of anger. I can’t believe anyone would be so angry over a relationship of a few months that ended 10 years ago. I’m a suspicious person by nature so I would go straight to recentish affair, she didn’t know about you and it ended when you became pregnant. But only you know if that’s likely/possible.

As another poster said though, his character would put me off of him.

Original poster
Canaryblue · 18/02/2022 16:40

That’s the thing, I can’t see any reason why someone would stay angry for this long. Unless it bubbled up again when she saw him. Yes an affair had crossed my mind but there is nothing that indicated it. No change in pattern or behaviour.
I don’t know her name so I can’t ask her. Part of me would like to ask her but he other half is reluctant because of what she said.

OP posts:
Original poster
Canaryblue · 18/02/2022 16:42

@Ronaldmcdonaldhair

I’ve dated people 10+ years ago who did some awful things to me eg abuse, rape and worse and I don’t hold that level of anger. I can’t believe anyone would be so angry over a relationship of a few months that ended 10 years ago. I’m a suspicious person by nature so I would go straight to recentish affair, she didn’t know about you and it ended when you became pregnant. But only you know if that’s likely/possible.

As another poster said though, his character would put me off of him.

I am so sorry that this happened to you. Wishing you all the best
OP posts:
Watchkeys · 18/02/2022 16:42

He can be a bit of a jerk at times, but I don’t think he’s a bad person. He just often can’t see thing from other perspectives

Again, why doesn't this put you off him? You could find someone who wasn't a bad person, and wasn't a jerk, what a treat!

In all seriousness, it sounds like respect is at a low bar in this relationship, both ways.

MadeForThis · 18/02/2022 16:53

I would definitely ask her name and then see what you can find out about her online.

The fact that she even approached you shows how angry she is. I imagine if it was an affair she would have thrown it in his face. But I'll bet something happened.

Has he seen her since they broke up?

BOOTS52 · 18/02/2022 16:54

It is difficult to say but the first thing that seems odd is that you nearly seem afraid to have a discussion or talk to him incase you upset him. So all is calm while you do not rock the boat. Seems strange that she would go so crazy if this was a relationship he had with her years ago, so unless it has been more recent and she was shocked seeing you together and you pregnant, congrats by the way, you do not need this stress now while pregnant. I would want to contact her as I would be worried what is going on and she may be able to tell you as he won't. Something is off and I would need to know as another poster has said how she went through so much which sounds horrific and really hope she is ok, but I would not be angry like that, so something has happened more recently and you need to get him to sit down and talk to you. While you are agreeing with him and been all nice you are not really seeing the real him. My older sis said to me the other day and it is so true men do not like when you disagree with them or have your own strong opinions and then they turn. Some even set out to break you down as how dare you stand up to them or disagree. Also are you really happy to just let it go, does he work away or anything or anything recently raise your suspicions. Hope you are ok as that would be so unsettling what happened.

LocalHobo · 18/02/2022 16:57

I hold this level of anger for someone I haven't seen for 30 years! We dated for 10 months. He did nothing apart from not love me like I thought I loved him. I felt humiliated by his indifference. I'm aware it sounds arrogant to say he has been the only man who ever rejected me and I loathe him for it.
If I were alone and I saw this man I would not be able to resist going for the jugular. Some of us feel things more deeply than others.

Ronaldmcdonaldhair · 18/02/2022 16:58

Thank you @Canaryblue that’s so sweet of you to say when you’re having a hard time yourself at the moment Flowers

HollowTalk · 18/02/2022 16:59

I think it's more likely that he did something seriously wrong to her than she's just a crazy woman.

You say he has no empathy yet you say he's very caring. He taunts people - that is a really horrible trait.

I wonder why you decided to have a baby with him? I know it is what it is now, but seriously, why would you think having a baby with someone who doesn't show empathy was a good idea?

Bookworm20 · 18/02/2022 17:03

Something obviously happened during their relationship which triggered this intense anger in her when she saw him. She implied he had done something really bad by asking if he had any idea what he'd done to her. And she wished harm on his child.

OP, you say he has impaired empathy.
I hate to think it but is there any possibility he could have assaulted her back then?

Him taunting her with something like he barely remembers her, would be a huge huge trigger for a victim of assault if their perpetrator was dismissive of them like that - showing no empathy.