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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being paranoid here?

137 replies

Canaryblue · 18/02/2022 13:46

Been with my partner for 4 years, and currently pregnant with my first child.
We were out for a meal and bumped into an ex of his, who got really nasty. She basically ignored me entirely but laid into him with absolute anger. I was really taken aback because I never expected this out of nowhere.
He was terrible too. When she had com up and snapped at him he somehow taunted her and that made her even angrier. She said horrible things, like what she hoped would happen to “his” baby and this really upset me. He got angry at that, but at that stage she was already being asked to leave. It was so embarrassing, and everyone was staring at that stage.
I asked him of course what on earth this had been about, because wtf?? He said he had been seeing her for a while when he had been working at uni, but that it had been short and that he didn’t know what this was about, and that she was obviously unhinged.
That would have placed the two of them together ten years ago. I can’t help thinking that there must be more to the story and that there is something he isn’t telling me :( I mean who would still be this angry after such a long time??
I’m so torn. I really want to know what this was about but I’m also terrified of running into her again because I can’t get over what she said.
I don’t know what to do or if I should just let it be. I don’t want to ruin everything by being paranoid.

OP posts:

Sunseasun · 19/02/2022 10:44

Taunting people when agitated is horrible narcissist territory as pp said. The comment about barely remembering her may have been a lie you know

wasiwrongtoask · 19/02/2022 11:13

This woman could have been me! I saw my ex with a new woman several years after we split. I realised that he had narcissistic traits and contacted his ex wife to try and process what happened and she confirmed everything that I thought. When I saw him I didn't address her as I knew how credible he was so just asked him in a very loud voice if she knew he was an abuser and a rapist. I'm not excusing the comments made about your baby but I really think if it's 10 years later and still feels so vitriolic towards him that he did something bad to her especially in light of your comment 'he struggles with empathy'. That is just minimising his poor behaviour. I think you know he is an arse at best and a narcissist at worse.

Original poster

Canaryblue · 19/02/2022 11:27

No I don’t like the taunting and I didn’t mean to excuse his behaviour. I just think he often just doesn’t get when he oversteps a mark. I do call him up on it, and so do some of his friends. I also think he provoked her by reacting the way he did, and I am not surprised that it made her angrier. And she never looked at me during the encounter, she was solely focused on him. I’ve decided that she probably didn’t mean to upset me but just him..if that makes sense.
I have spoken to him and explained why I really need to know what happened and that I just want to know, and that I don’t want to fight. He said that he genuinely doesn’t think he did anything horrible to her, and that they were just seeing each other for a short while. I asked him outright if she might have gotten pregnant because of the comment she made, and he looked surprised and said that he didn’t think so because he used condoms unless in a long term relationship. He actually did the same when we first started dating, so it makes sense to me.
I asked for her name and he outright asked me back was I going to contact her. I said I wasn’t sure but that that I actually just want to look what I can find on her. He gave me here first name but wasn’t entirely sure about her surname so gave me a few options. He said he remembered a friend of hers with a very unusual name,, so maybe these 2 are still friends. Now him not being sure about the surname doesn’t surprise me at all. He is awful with names and his inability to remember people’s names has become a bit of a joke in his circle of friends.
I’m not sure what I am going to do but I’ll see if I can find her first. I don’t want to lie to him, but I also don’t want to tell him that I will probably contact her. He didn’t seem happy about it but more in a sense of being annoyed. He also seems to have gotten angrier about her and the outburst in general, and said he’d call the police if this happened again.
I don’t see what the police could do in such a case but I’d probably do the same if someone was having a go at me in public.

I have not seen any abusive traits in our relationship, and I don’t feel unsafe? I just don’t know what to make out of this mess now. I’ll try to keep in mind that he might be lying, but I really don’t hope so.
Thank you all

OP posts:

Chestofdraws · 19/02/2022 11:35

Cmon op no one is this naive. Impaired empathy? Can’t remember her surname? Cmon now really?

Clearly he knows full well her surname and doesn’t want you to contact her. Impaired empathy is short for Nasty piece of work.

He’s had a relationship with her. And recently. He’s a lying toad. And he’s trying to ensure you don’t find out. The fact he treated her like he did is sickening.

wasiwrongtoask · 19/02/2022 11:40

He's talking bullshit.

Sunseasun · 19/02/2022 11:42

It all sounds very strange. Will any of his friends know who she is if you describe her to them? You could just say oh we bumped into an ex of his, you know (first name) casually, see what they say?

Sunseasun · 19/02/2022 11:43

Although it does ring an alarm bell with me that his first question would be are you going to contact her. Why would he care.

Original poster

Canaryblue · 19/02/2022 12:48

I did find her alright, it was one of the names he’d given me. She is also friends with the other girl whose name he’d remembered. I’m not sure what I want to do or say. He’s definitely in a mood since I asked him though.
I’m sure if he’s lying but I think there is at least something he isn’t saying.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 19/02/2022 14:02

If you do feel like he's holding something back and you do want to contact her, maybe just say things were heated the other night, that you want to make sure she's ok and wanted to ask if there's anything about him you need to know before you have his child?

I'm not necessarily encouraging you to contact her. I have no idea what I'd do in this situation. But if she did care enough about not upsetting you that she wouldn't look at you, she's probably the kind of person who would tell you something that would keep you safe.

MalloryMal · 19/02/2022 15:41

[quote sallyslytherin]@Ronaldmcdonaldhair yes I've read all of the OPs posts and am struggling to see what makes him so terrible that he deserves to be shouted at in the street and have horrible things wished upon his unborn child. If a man had done this to a woman we would be telling them to call the police.

All the op has said that is remotely negative is that he struggles to see things from other peoples perspectives sometimes. [/quote]
No one has said he deserves anything. You told the OP not to judge him on this if he’s overall a decent guy and he doesn’t seem to be based on the OPs own posts.

MalloryMal · 19/02/2022 15:43

@girlmom21

I agree with this.

Regularsizedrudy · 19/02/2022 16:29

“ He has impaired empathy” no he doesn’t. He’s just a cunt.

me4real · 19/02/2022 20:22

@Canaryblue My then partner's ex wife acted exactly like that once when we met her in the street. Turns out he had been giving her major false hope, maybe implying he would get back with her etc.

There was no need for her to say anything to me, it was him she was furious at.

Original poster

Canaryblue · 20/02/2022 10:18

@girlmom21

Thank you, this is a great idea. I don’t want to cause her more upset by contacting her. I guess if she wanted to contact me she could have done it.. I’m not sure what to do yet but I definitely don’t want to cause anyone upset. I’m not feeling too great at the moment so I’ll see how today goes. Thank you for the good suggestion.

OP posts:

Original poster

Canaryblue · 20/02/2022 15:12

I contacted her. Not sure if she will get back to me but I have a dreadful feeling in my stomach, and I feel like I might open up a can of worms, but I also don’t want to be an idiot.
Thanks all for the encouragement and good ideas.

OP posts:

AgathaX · 20/02/2022 17:31

I think you've done the right thing. I hope she replies and can give you some peace of mind.

AnotherSillawithanS · 20/02/2022 18:08

I'd just let this go to be honest.

Anonymous1987 · 20/02/2022 18:46

I really hope you get to the bottom
Of this.. it’s easy for people to jump to conclusions and not know the whole story. To me it sounds like there is a tiny bit that don’t believe what he’s saying to you and you are right to contact the girl to find out why she acted like that as I would do the same .

Good luck

BertramLacey · 20/02/2022 19:17

I don’t want to annoy him with this but it still has me unsettled so I think I do need to raise it again.

Why would it annoy him? And why do you worry about annoying him? I mean, I don't want to annoy people because it's not fair on them, so that's possible. But there's a difference between generally being nice to people so as not to be annoying, and being worried about annoying someone because they have a tendency to fly off the handle, or have some otherwise manipulative reaction.

Hopefullyoneday12 · 20/02/2022 19:24

I'd have asked her too. Hope she sees your message.

Rosiestraws · 20/02/2022 20:08

I hope you get the answers you're looking for...

Also want to echo concerns about having a baby with a man with "impaired empathy" .. that does not look like an easy life.. how will he be when he struggles to see things from baby's point of view with crying/distress etc.. lots to think about

lucylucyapplejuicy · 20/02/2022 20:32

Really hope this turns out to be nothing to worry about

glasgowlass · 20/02/2022 20:55

I would have contacted her too.
Infact, I have been in a similar situation, wish I had contacted several women.

Fabricedesauveterre · 20/02/2022 21:24

I think you’ve done the right thing

Jk24 · 20/02/2022 23:30

Any reply op?

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