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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being paranoid here?

137 replies

Canaryblue · 18/02/2022 13:46

Been with my partner for 4 years, and currently pregnant with my first child.
We were out for a meal and bumped into an ex of his, who got really nasty. She basically ignored me entirely but laid into him with absolute anger. I was really taken aback because I never expected this out of nowhere.
He was terrible too. When she had com up and snapped at him he somehow taunted her and that made her even angrier. She said horrible things, like what she hoped would happen to “his” baby and this really upset me. He got angry at that, but at that stage she was already being asked to leave. It was so embarrassing, and everyone was staring at that stage.
I asked him of course what on earth this had been about, because wtf?? He said he had been seeing her for a while when he had been working at uni, but that it had been short and that he didn’t know what this was about, and that she was obviously unhinged.
That would have placed the two of them together ten years ago. I can’t help thinking that there must be more to the story and that there is something he isn’t telling me :( I mean who would still be this angry after such a long time??
I’m so torn. I really want to know what this was about but I’m also terrified of running into her again because I can’t get over what she said.
I don’t know what to do or if I should just let it be. I don’t want to ruin everything by being paranoid.

OP posts:
BOOTS52 · 18/02/2022 17:05

Maybe when they were in college she got pregnant and he did not want it as that is the only thing that I can think of. Talk to him and he may open up and tell him that it is important to you and stay calm or he will not say a word. Tell him you just cannot have this hanging over you as a couple and with the baby on the way. I used to be so nice but very trusting and naive in my 20's and I had my eyes opened after been with a narcissist for a few years and what he was capable could not believe a person could be so calculating and cold and actually try to break a person down, their spirit. Have you met his family/friends. Let us know how you get on and really hope it goes ok.

idiotmagnet · 18/02/2022 17:08

@momtoboys

"He has impaired empathy". Real question - is this just a fancy way of saying he's a jerk?
This...
youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/02/2022 17:12

I have seen him taunt people before when they are agitated, and I don’t like it

This is such a horrible trait and one that I've never seen a fundamentally decent person display.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/02/2022 17:17

You have chosen very poorly. There will be no happily ever after with this man.

emsmar · 18/02/2022 17:21

For a woman to say she wishes something bad to happen to your baby sounds like she's deranged. No sane person no matter how hurt would stand there in public and say such atrocious things.

Ronaldmcdonaldhair · 18/02/2022 17:28

@emsmar

For a woman to say she wishes something bad to happen to your baby sounds like she's deranged. No sane person no matter how hurt would stand there in public and say such atrocious things.
It could be something like another poster mentioned like they agreed to/he forced her to have an abortion. I can understand (but don’t condone) her behaving like that if he said they’d stay together and have kids later on and then dumped her and/or the abortion led to complications and infertility and then she saw him loved up with his pregnant partner while she’s struggling.

It could be so many different reasons she did it though and it’s a shame she saw him with OP rather than alone so OP has had to endure that. It’s not something I can imagine saying to anyone no matter what they’d done so that combined with my suspicious mind would make me unable to stop thinking about it so I can see why OP would be unable to stop thinking about it. I might get in touch with her but it depends on other circumstances I suppose so only OP knows if that’s a wise thing to do for her.

me4real · 18/02/2022 17:36

You say he has impaired empathy and likes to wind people up/ hurt people @Canaryblue . These are sociopathic traits. He's already lacking empathy for you when you most need it, and eventually will hurt you for kicks, if he hasn't already at times.

Don't date a sociopath/sociopathic person.

Maze76 · 18/02/2022 18:10

@me4real

You say he has impaired empathy and likes to wind people up/ hurt people *@Canaryblue* . These are sociopathic traits. He's already lacking empathy for you when you most need it, and eventually will hurt you for kicks, if he hasn't already at times.

Don't date a sociopath/sociopathic person.

100% this - it sounds like he was enjoying taunting her, until she crosses the line and involved your baby. Just be careful OP- I sense there is a part of his personality you’ve not been exposed to yet.
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 18/02/2022 18:18

I have seen him taunt people before when they are agitated, and I don’t like it

Have you seen more of this side of him, and his lack of empathy, since you got pregnant? It's very common for abusers to start letting their mask slip once they think they've got you trapped.

I'd consider doing a Clare's Law request on him with the police.

As you are not married, are you legally protected with regards to finances and housing? Ie are both your names on the deeds/tenancy, have you discussed how finances will be split, who is going to be dropping hours around childcare, etc.

This man does not sound like a good man and I urge you to make sure you have protection in the event he becomes more openly abusive.

AgathaX · 18/02/2022 18:39

What a horrible and upsetting experience.

On the one hand, I feel so shocked that a woman would wish bad things on an innocent baby, so maybe she is a bad person generally. As others have said, to hold that level of anger for 10 years is a very long time. To be so malicious in public is very strange too.

His explanation seems to fall far short of adequate though. His lack of empathy, willingness to taunt others when they are distressed is just awful.

Do you know her name? Could you do some checking around, ask his family or friends about her? Someone must know something. I hope he gives you a better explanation when you speak to him about this again. Seems like he's really wanting to brush it under the carpet though.

Cherrysoup · 18/02/2022 18:53

You reckon it’s been ten years since he saw her? Really?

Original poster
Canaryblue · 18/02/2022 20:43

I’m more confused now after having started the thread :(
I just want to clarify. To me whole situation was really confusing (still is) and also hurtful. I bear no grudge against this woman but I’m so confused because she never even tried to speak to me during the whole encounter even when I asked what was going on. That’s what I meant by part of me wanting to speak to her but also being wary.
Thank you all, I don’t know what to do first yet. Right now I feel like a fool.

OP posts:
Angrymum22 · 18/02/2022 21:05

Some women do become fixated. DH’s ex spent 10 years trying to cause problems with us. She had cheated on him but then had an early miscarriage ( not the OM’s since he’d had a vasectomy ). They split up and she went on to marry OM fairly quickly. I think she just couldn’t accept he was capable of settling down with someone else when he wouldn’t commit with her.
When we had DS I did think it would tip her over the edge. Fortunately she stopped, but I did spend a lot of time worrying that it might escalate again.
To the outside world she was normal, sane and popular.
There are some batshit crazy people around who when triggered can be frightening.

iwishu · 18/02/2022 21:28

She sounds crazy to start it in the first place and to make comments about your baby that has nothing to do with her. It triggered her badly to see him with you. Your partner retaliated because of her reaction, when it should of just told her to go away without making it worse.

iwishu · 18/02/2022 21:29

*when he

Jk24 · 18/02/2022 22:08

I defo don't think affair if he said he barely remembers her and she didn't react by saying something about an ongoing affair. In this state I think she would have. I defo think maybe she had anbortion with him or maybe he really messed with her when together

Jk24 · 18/02/2022 22:08

An abortion*

FirstTimeSecondTime · 18/02/2022 22:14

What exactly did she say to him?

sallyslytherin · 18/02/2022 22:17

Typical sexism on MN again. Woman screams at man and wishes awful things on unborn child in public but somehow you are trying to convince the OP that he is in the wrong?

He probably tried to laugh it off because it was an embarrassing situation. It's odd that she's so mad after so long but some people really do hold grudges for that long. If it was uni I would hazard a guess he was a shit to her and she never got over it. There's maybe more to it but it hardly warrants her comments about the baby. Anyone who says things like that automatically loses the moral high ground in my opinion.

Don't judge him on this incident op if he's overall a decent guy. You know nothing about her, she could be a drama queen, trouble causer or simply unhinged.

Ronaldmcdonaldhair · 18/02/2022 22:32

@sallyslytherin

Typical sexism on MN again. Woman screams at man and wishes awful things on unborn child in public but somehow you are trying to convince the OP that he is in the wrong?

He probably tried to laugh it off because it was an embarrassing situation. It's odd that she's so mad after so long but some people really do hold grudges for that long. If it was uni I would hazard a guess he was a shit to her and she never got over it. There's maybe more to it but it hardly warrants her comments about the baby. Anyone who says things like that automatically loses the moral high ground in my opinion.

Don't judge him on this incident op if he's overall a decent guy. You know nothing about her, she could be a drama queen, trouble causer or simply unhinged.

If you read all of OPs posts you’ll see he’s not an ‘overall decent guy’.
Ronaldmcdonaldhair · 18/02/2022 22:34

@Canaryblue

I’m more confused now after having started the thread :( I just want to clarify. To me whole situation was really confusing (still is) and also hurtful. I bear no grudge against this woman but I’m so confused because she never even tried to speak to me during the whole encounter even when I asked what was going on. That’s what I meant by part of me wanting to speak to her but also being wary. Thank you all, I don’t know what to do first yet. Right now I feel like a fool.
You’re not a fool, please try not to feel like that, you’ve done nothing wrong.

She didn’t speak to you at all - did she look at you? Stand with her back to you? Etc. if she did have an abortion she may have found it hard to look at/speak to you but may be able to speak to you online like on Facebook or something if you decide that’s what you want to do.

Do you have anyone in real life you can get support from/talk to?

sallyslytherin · 19/02/2022 08:12

@Ronaldmcdonaldhair yes I've read all of the OPs posts and am struggling to see what makes him so terrible that he deserves to be shouted at in the street and have horrible things wished upon his unborn child. If a man had done this to a woman we would be telling them to call the police.

All the op has said that is remotely negative is that he struggles to see things from other peoples perspectives sometimes.

FirstTimeSecondTime · 19/02/2022 09:58

He did something do horrible yo her that she screamed at him in the street 10years later, he did know who she was but taunted her by saying he didn’t?

Massive alarm bells would be going off in my head too.

My first instinct is that he abused her in some way. No way of knowing though.

supercali77 · 19/02/2022 10:03

Re 'can't see the problem with him
Lacks empathy.
Taunts people when wound up (op said this wasn't the first time).
Ex who is apparently deranged
Op doesn't seem to like to bring things up to him
For anyone who's been in an abusive relationship these things stand out as red markers.

wingscrow · 19/02/2022 10:31

Red flags.

For her to be so upset after so long could well means that something really bad happened during the relationship. Yes, there is a chance she is just unhinged but there is also a chance she had an awful time with this man...

His reaction: taunting, laughing and then anger is not good either. Most people would have been annoyed/embarrassed but they would have tried to diffuse the situation.

'Impaired empathy' 'I have seen him taunt people before when they are agitated'...are you trying to excuse his lack of care and respect for other people and their feelings/opinions? because this type of behaviour would be a deal breaker for me.

Seriously, be careful that you are not involving yourself with a narcissist or someone who has traits shared by psychopaths. Because a lack of empathy, lying, manipulating, gaslighting and enjoying other peoples discomfort are all signs of these personality disorders.

The last man I dated turned out to be a narcs and he had 'crazy exes' who he blamed for everything. Turned out he was the one abusing them all along and the lack of empathy, lying, manipulating, control freakery and enjoying these women's pain soon appeared after the initial nice guy act.