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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being paranoid here?

137 replies

Canaryblue · 18/02/2022 13:46

Been with my partner for 4 years, and currently pregnant with my first child.
We were out for a meal and bumped into an ex of his, who got really nasty. She basically ignored me entirely but laid into him with absolute anger. I was really taken aback because I never expected this out of nowhere.
He was terrible too. When she had com up and snapped at him he somehow taunted her and that made her even angrier. She said horrible things, like what she hoped would happen to “his” baby and this really upset me. He got angry at that, but at that stage she was already being asked to leave. It was so embarrassing, and everyone was staring at that stage.
I asked him of course what on earth this had been about, because wtf?? He said he had been seeing her for a while when he had been working at uni, but that it had been short and that he didn’t know what this was about, and that she was obviously unhinged.
That would have placed the two of them together ten years ago. I can’t help thinking that there must be more to the story and that there is something he isn’t telling me :( I mean who would still be this angry after such a long time??
I’m so torn. I really want to know what this was about but I’m also terrified of running into her again because I can’t get over what she said.
I don’t know what to do or if I should just let it be. I don’t want to ruin everything by being paranoid.

OP posts:
spotcheck · 20/02/2022 23:38

OP
He taunts people and has low empathy.
You do know that you'll be on the receiving end of those traits at some point soon, right?

DiscordandRhyme · 20/02/2022 23:44

You did the right thing.
All you can get is information and then you can decide how you feel about it.

lucylucyapplejuicy · 21/02/2022 12:25

Any update OP? Hope all is ok x

ChargingBuck · 21/02/2022 12:35

He has impaired empathy
he's really caring

Both of these statements can't be true OP.
Do you think you have some kind of cognitive dissonance going on around his behaviour?

Original poster
Canaryblue · 21/02/2022 14:10

She did reply and described a very different person to the one I know. I shouldn’t have messaged her.

OP posts:
lucylucyapplejuicy · 21/02/2022 14:21

@Canaryblue

She did reply and described a very different person to the one I know. I shouldn’t have messaged her.
So sorry it's not what you wanted to hear. Not sure what else to say but thinking of you & baby. X
Anonymous1987 · 21/02/2022 14:23

Oh no op I’m sorry you didn’t get the answers you wanted have you spoke to him about it.

girlmom21 · 21/02/2022 14:33

@Canaryblue

She did reply and described a very different person to the one I know. I shouldn’t have messaged her.
The positive to come out of that is that he almost certainly hasn't seen her in 10 years and he has almost certainly matured a lot since then.

There are clearly issues on his part that need working on which you've mentioned, but maybe he just genuinely isn't the man she knew anymore.

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 21/02/2022 14:40

Have there been other partners in between her and you? Anyone else you could contact? Hoping that she did not share anything like DV or other abuse & if she did you maybe should use Clare's law to request info on him. Be careful OP, only you know him now but there are some big flapping red flags here

FunnyGoingsOn · 21/02/2022 18:03

How long have you lived with him? 4 years is a reasonable amount of time if you have been living together a lot of the time. You should already have a good idea what he is like. Tbh he doesn't sound like the type of person I would want as the father of my kids 😕

Original poster
Canaryblue · 21/02/2022 18:21

No, I haven’t spoken to him yet. I’m not sure how to broach it as it threw me. I know he is still friends with his ex (before me) as they remained friends, but I never met her. I’ve never had any reason to believe he was anything but a nice guy and I feel like I caused this mess myself now.
I certainly won’t trust everything I was told, but some things left a bitter taste in my mouth. I know I need to talk to him but I really don’t know how to yet. I really hope he won’t lie to me because I don’t know what I’ll do then.

OP posts:
Original poster
Canaryblue · 21/02/2022 18:25

@FunnyGoingsOn We’ve been living together almost 3 years.
I know I haven’t painted him well in this thread but I guess I just listed the bad stuff.

OP posts:
me4real · 21/02/2022 19:51

I wouldn't say that he's definitely matured since then- he still finds it amusing to hurt people.

me4real · 21/02/2022 19:55

I would look at all the behaviour you've seen from him over the years in the light of what she told you @Canaryblue - some of it will probably gel.

Also watch through those eyes when you see his behaviour going forward, and see if it makes it more clear what he's doing.

Once people helped me see what my ex was like, it all became clear to me.

Original poster
Canaryblue · 21/02/2022 20:24

@me4real yes some things sounded familiar, hence the bad taste. The context had been so different though..

OP posts:
Original poster
Canaryblue · 21/02/2022 20:35

I know I need to speak to him and clear it up but I’m not ready yet even if that sounds stupid. I want to thank you all for your help, but I somehow don’t know what I am doing yet.

OP posts:
BertramLacey · 21/02/2022 21:46

Take your time OP. Don't feel that just because you started a thread somehow you are obliged to keep things rolling along and update us!

A couple of things stand out for me. You say He’s really caring and I’ve never seen him as anything she described him as but then go on to say I have seen him taunt people before when they are agitated, The two statements conflict and taunting an agitated person is really unpleasant. So then you have to decide, which of the two things is uppermost?

And this woman has come along and shown you another side to him. And that's the other thing that stands out for me, you have to decide which view you trust the most. My DP has an ex who struggles a lot with life. She does some really odd and at times unpleasant things. She is also the mother of his child though and I've never known him be cruel to her. I've never known him say bad things about her. So if you're trying to work out something about your DP and trying to work out whose account is true, I think you need to think about how he treated her and how he reacted to her.

It's pessimistic but I see myself as potentially the next ex-girlfriend so I look at how men treat their exes. Do they by and large ignore them? Still friendly with them? Or are they antagonistic, cruel, and say the ex is crazy? Because what they're saying about the ex, they could one day be saying about me.

NameGoesHere · 22/02/2022 07:24

You seem to be wearing rise tinted glasses with your partner as the reality is he’s more than a jerk. Do you want to spend the rest if your life with him? I wouldn’t. He’s a liar and nasty.

Original poster
Canaryblue · 22/02/2022 09:09

@BertramLacey Thank you. It felt like everyone knew what to do but I don’t (yet). I’ll take my time

OP posts:
Bookworm20 · 22/02/2022 09:42

Take your time and talk to him when you e got it clear in your head. If he was just a shitty bf, he may have grown up since then, but also bear in mind he is maintaining he did nothing wrong. If it involves abuse of her though, that’s likely the reason he didn’t want you to contact her. Would also explain why she didn’t look at you. I really hope it’s not that, as that’s a difficult conversation you’ll need to have and I expect he’ll deny it or say he can’t remember or she’s psycho.
Good luck and just take care of you. Put you and baby first regardless of any decisions you make right now.

Original poster
Canaryblue · 22/02/2022 15:42

She didn’t accuse him of assault but of severe coercion and manipulation. That’s the side I have never seen him display at home/ with me.
I won’t accuse him of anything because that isn’t fair but I’ll share with him what she said. I really don’t want to fight, but I wish he was bothered to explain it so we can move on, and hopefully the girl can do the same.

OP posts:
Blossom987 · 22/02/2022 20:46

Did she say it was 10 years ago, like he did?

It is possible in that time he’s become a better person but I would be mindful of how he speaks about it, because if he is now a better person he would be able to acknowledge the poor behaviour.

I would say in my early 20s I was not a very good girlfriend, very emotionally insecure which came out as quite controlling (not wanting him to go out without me, not wanting him to meet up with female friends, but of silent treatment if we had a row etc). I’m not proud of it. But I’ve matured and I can recognise it and acknowledge why I behaved that way (the underlying childhood trauma) and I wouldn’t have an issue discussing it with a future partner.

This obviously depends if you believe her account (not saying you should or shouldn’t, but if you do believe her account but that he’s now a better person, be mindful of the above).

Watchkeys · 22/02/2022 23:55

[quote Canaryblue]@FunnyGoingsOn We’ve been living together almost 3 years.
I know I haven’t painted him well in this thread but I guess I just listed the bad stuff.[/quote]
In a healthy relationship, there isn't any bad stuff to list. The fact that there is means you're in an unhealthy relationship.

Also, if you trusted him, you wouldn't be feeling unsettled by this, you'd just brush her off as a loon.

And lastly, if the two of you loved each other, you'd be talking this through between you with the aim of reaching a level of understanding you both felt comfortable with. The fact that you're posting here demonstrates that you can't get what you need right now (reassurance) from him.

Regardless of this woman, you're not in a good relationship, here.

BertramLacey · 23/02/2022 08:17

In a healthy relationship, there isn't any bad stuff to list. The fact that there is means you're in an unhealthy relationship.

I think that depends on what you mean by 'bad stuff'. My OH does some things that bug me. I'm pretty sure I sometimes bug him. But we talk about these things and work on them, or accept them for what they are. I don't think you can expect a relationship in which you just seamlessly meld together and run off into the sunset. It just isn't realistic. That is however different from saying your partner was 'terrible' to someone, which I wouldn't expect to have to do.

Also, if you trusted him, you wouldn't be feeling unsettled by this, you'd just brush her off as a loon.

I think that's the crux of it. My OH's ex has accused him of coercive control. It's so obviously untrue that it's almost funny. What stops it being funny is that she's unhappy enough to think this. I know he has his faults, but the potential for being abusive and manipulative are not amongst them. But for the OP this has been unsettling, which makes me wonder if on some level she realises that actually there is this other version of him.

Original poster
Canaryblue · 23/02/2022 08:38

He does have another side, but he’s just never shown it at home and has always been adamant that this is nothing that he wants in a relationship. Yes, this is the reason why this has thrown me.
I’ll speak to him later and then this should hopefully be resolved. You are probably right that we seem to have communication issues. I didn’t think we did but I might have been wrong.

OP posts:
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