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Original poster

Valentines Day - am I being a brat?

165 replies

MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 08:27

Hi, my other half and I have been together for a year and a half, and he didn't do anything for me for Valentines Day - well he got me a card. I've organised a night out for him and a stay in a hotel next week when we're both on leave plus activities over two days that I think he'll enjoy.

I was a bit upset about it and he said we'd agreed not to because we've just bought a new house and are buying things for it. I don't remember this agreement as Valentines is a pretty big deal to me?

I do think even though he didn't want to spend money, he could have done something - run me a bath, or cooked a meal or something. Bit nothing really really hurts. Also, he does have money for when he wants stuff like new trainers, he's spent a couple hundred on running trainers the other day, and tbh we're both on pretty good wages. So it feels like he just couldn't be arsed. I asked him and he said I was being a spoilt brat.

The nail in the coffin is that he has pictures of a previous relationship on fb with pics of him taking his ex to Prague. I got a card. I just feel so hurt. Am I being a brat and I just can't see it?

OP posts:
james2010 · 15/02/2022 11:50

sad

girlmom21 · 15/02/2022 11:51

OP this thread has become quite sinister really and I'm worried about you. You love love. You deserve someone who can give you that. Not tell you you're crazy or hide you from his friends or anything else.

easterdaffsx · 15/02/2022 11:52

Are you absolutely sure the house is purchased and in both your names ?

Have you met his family ?

Original poster
MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 11:57

@easterdaffsx I've met his dad and brother and his daughter who is grown up. He has a sister but she doesn't speak to them really, and his mum left when he was 8.

OP posts:
CPL593H · 15/02/2022 11:57

OP, I don't mean to sound trite, but try to love yourself more than you 'love love'. If you do, there is more chance you will meet a man who 'does' Valentines day because he knows it is important to you, introduces you to his friends, listens when you say something upsets you, cooks you a meal when he's making one for himself.

Onelifeonly · 15/02/2022 12:05

When you talk about how he is with when your friends are around, you remind me of an ex of mine. He was highly social in company, jokey and charming. My friends often commented on it. I'm not saying he was never like that with me on my own, but there was a self pitying, insecure side they never saw which I found difficult. I used to tell them that he wasn't the same behind closed doors. My mother, in particular, never understood why I broke up with him, in fact she got it into her head that he had broken it off, presumably because she couldn't I understand why I had (because in my place she thought she wouldn't have done).

IrishKatie1971 · 15/02/2022 12:08

HOW much on a pair of trainers? First you said 200... as a runner, I was horrified..... then FIVE hundred???? I nearly choked on my tea. Are they trimmed with gold and diamonds?

Juliauns91 · 15/02/2022 12:11

@MollyMalone2801

I kind of wish he could come on here and give you all his pov. I don't want to think anything bad about him, and I'd love him to have perfectly valid reasons why I'm seeing him as unromantic. I want him to just explain and make me feel better. Nut he jist gets angry when I ask. I feel like he could make these bad feeling disappear in an instant. We've been together a year and a half and I've never met a single one of his friends. Not one. So I thought he might put a pic of me on social media as all his friends are in Bristol where he used to live. But when he changed his pic on fb, he changed it to just one of him, from a time when he and I were out kayaking. God, this sounds so weird, and I would never say this to my friends becasue I just feel silly. But it felt weird. Like he's ashamed of me or something. It was his birthday, and I said, tell me how to contact your friends and I'll organise something. He said oh can't we go out on a night out with your friends and just not tell them it's my birthday, and I laughed it off and sadi that was a bit weird. But is he just trying to hide his friends from me or something. Who goes out on a night out with people they don't know for their birthday? I just feel he must be ashamed of me.
He is hiding his past from you. He doesn't want you to know his friends or anything else about his past in Bristol. The fact you met his family doesn't mean much. Families often don't know what grown up men are up to.

He doesn't want you on his Facebook page for other people to know about. Why? Who might be looking at it?

He is hiding something big.

Original poster
MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 12:13

@IrishKatie1971 no he bought a Nike pair for a couple of hundred but said they felt funny when he was running so he bought some others. They look like spaceships or something.

I said to my friends he was very tight with money, and my friend laughed and said he absolutely wasn't. He had loads of good stuff and I realised he just spends on himself. Hes tight as a gnats chuff when it comes to us or me.

OP posts:
Original poster
MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 12:15

@Juliauns91it is weird. I also found out very recently that his ex from years ago divorced him becasue he had cheated. Whilst in Cyprus. He thought she wouldn't find out but she did through work friends, they worked together. He said that was in his twenties though and he was ashamed of it. I wish I knew his ex.

OP posts:
CousinKrispy · 15/02/2022 12:17

OP, how supportive are your family or friends of you? If you went to one and said "I know this may come as a shock, because DH is so charming and sociable, but behind closed doors he's like a different person and I'm really struggling with it" would they say "I'm here for you" and listen to your concerns, or do you think they would argue back about how wonderful he is, or be dismissive of your concerns?

EKGEMS · 15/02/2022 12:25

Oh love,I'm so sorry you're with this mother fucker! There's not a damn thing wrong with celebrating Valentine's Day or sending cards to single friends. I think you need to end this relationship and spend time with your family and friends.

supercali77 · 15/02/2022 12:27

You really need to get out of this situation OP. He is not a good man. Telling you to shut up when you told him how you felt was a massive red flag. Its only 18months and recently moved in...it can get so much worse.

Not introducing you to friends...from the outside that looks more like not wanting you to find out about skeletons in closets.

Sweetlikejollof · 15/02/2022 12:28

OP, for the love of Christ. Read your posts about this man. You cannot think any of this okay, surely? Why are you living like this?

Regularsizedrudy · 15/02/2022 12:28

Nobody should be telling you to shut up or calling you mental. Let alone someone who is supposed to love you. There is something very off about this man.

RantyAunty · 15/02/2022 12:30

Whose idea was it to buy the house?

Did he have a deposit? How is it split?
Who is paying for it to be furnished?

Does he pay his fair share?

It is a bit concerning this all happened so fast.

Juliauns91 · 15/02/2022 12:31

[quote MollyMalone2801]@Juliauns91it is weird. I also found out very recently that his ex from years ago divorced him becasue he had cheated. Whilst in Cyprus. He thought she wouldn't find out but she did through work friends, they worked together. He said that was in his twenties though and he was ashamed of it. I wish I knew his ex.[/quote]
You sound lovely. I am concerned - very concerned - and I am not some bitter person about men - not at all, but I see something very wrong.

mug2018 · 15/02/2022 12:45

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's heartbreaking to read when you seem like you are such a nice person. There are so many red flags that I honestly don't think you can or should ignore.
18 months is no time getting to know some let alone buying a house together. He's taking you for granted, is dismissive (at best) if your feelings & is 'abusive' when you try and talk. As for his friends, that too doesn't sit comfortably.
I'm sorry to say it, but he's manipulative & selfish.
My DP isn't wealthy in worth but makes up for this in so many ways that cost nothing. A cup of tea, a foot rub, a bath run, dinner ready, a hug after a king day... I don't say these things to add salt to your wounds but to remind you that love isn't about big gestures of fancy nights away & spending cash, it's about being present, being tuned into your partners needs & feelings, I am so sorry, but you are at least worth that and he really isn't the right man for you.
Speak up now, don't settle for less than your worth & get rid. He's just all about himself
😔

CharlotteRose90 · 15/02/2022 13:20

This guy does not Love you. He’s telling you plain and simple with everything he does. I’ll bet his ex took him to Prague for valentines not the other way round. I personally think he’s cheating currently or has cheated and that’s why he’s calling you mental and telling you to get help. It’s the most common response. Won’t say anything about valentines either as to me it’s a made up holiday but if you want someone spoiling you you need to find a guy that celebrates it. Do not buy with this guy. It’s been a year and half way way too soon to buy a house and dog etc. He doesn’t want the life you want.

CharlotteRose90 · 15/02/2022 13:22

Oh and please do not get pregnant by this man. He doesn’t love you, he’s hiding you from everyone, pushing you to get a house and dog next step will be kids. If I was you I’d personally get a clares law check on this guy. There’s something about this creep that’s majorly off.

RestingStitchFace · 15/02/2022 14:47

I just wanted him to feel special, and loved. Just a but wounded that I didn't get any care back.

Wanting to feel loved is not unreasonable. But expecting a big fuss on Valentine's Day is a bit diva-ish. The main thing is does he make you feel loved in other ways - is he physically affectionate towards you? Is he supportive of your life choices? Does he have your back in a crisis? Does he make other thoughtful gestures like making you breakfast? If so, don't let commercialised nonsense like Valentine's Day get in the way of a good relationship.

If he just can't be arsed generally and you are fishing around for scraps of attention /affection, then that's a different thing altogether. Don't tolerate someone who is half-hearted about the relationship.

Melissa245 · 15/02/2022 14:48

Sorry i'm just getting up off floor for £500 for trainers 😬😬😬

RestingStitchFace · 15/02/2022 14:49

Actually - reading your later posts, Op, this guy sounds like an arse...

Juliauns91 · 15/02/2022 15:50

By the way, OP, if you get a dog, he will want a puppy. That is a massive amount of work and you will need to put him in doggy daycare if you both work. Training requires patience, dedication and skill. Walking in all weathers - exercise/discipline/affection in that order.

do you think your boyfriend is going to do that? Who is going to clean up the puppy mess, take him to the vet, pay the insurance, arrange care for him whenever you go away?

YOU ARE.

Your man has NO EMPATHY.

Please please do not get a dog.

notthemum · 15/02/2022 16:21

@isthismylifenow

Sorry but as above, you went way over the top and you adbu

Notthemum, this is the relationships board. This is not AIBU.

@isthismylifenow Yep thanks so much for pointing that out. I realised this just after I posted. However I still stand by what I said and I still believe that on this occasion the OP was being unreasonable. I am so sorry that my absolute failure to notice this whilst distracted with other things incensed you so much that you needed to reference it. How unforgivable to cross reference as I'm sure that you would never do such a thing.
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